forty.
Peter decided that he was going to make himself go back to school the day after his... pregnancy scare? The whole ordeal is still taking some time to wrap his head around. He still doesn't quite get it, but Wade seems to know, and Nat seemed to believe him.
Peter thinks that was the scariest part, seeing Nat's worry as she listened to what Wade said. She probably didn't believe it all 100%, like, she was a spy, she knew a lot of stories were fake. It was just her job to find out which ones, and if this one was fake, she didn't know yet. And if Nat didn't know, then nobody knew.
Peter used the schoolwork to distract himself, but it didn't seem to be working. He found himself absentmindedly touching his stomach upwards of 10 times. Was he really that devastated over the fact that he WASN'T pregnant with a murderer's child? That should be a good thing, shouldn't it? Shouldn't he be relieved? Why was he putting this much thought into it?
He did know one thing, and that was from now on, he and Wade were going to use protection. Religiously.
He could hear Ned and MJ both talking to him, but he wasn't sure where from. Where were they? Was he with them? He didn't know, he wasn't that well tuned in to the world around him right now and it worried him because the less time he spent focused on his lessons, the more time he was spending on thinking about the fact that he and Wade could've had a child together.
A CHILD....... WHAT THE FUCK.
That's not normal. That's just not fuckin' normal. Oh God, and what if Nat tells Tony? Or Bucky or- fuck, what if she tells Steve? Oh, God, Steve would kill him if he knew. Peter didn't think he was ready to die right now... That could change at any moment, but right this second he wasn't ready. He wanted to live.
He absentmindedly thought of the scratch on his wrist and when he looked down at it, he allowed his eyes to focus in on the silvery-white scars he had there for the first time in a year. He hoped to God that nobody else would ever notice. He wore long sleeves, his jacket, his watch. And when he didn't he hoped to God that nobody paid close enough attention to see.
He shouldn't be focusing on this, he knows.
When Wade texted him, he ignored it, opting to not even open the message at all. He simply swiped it off of the screen and was done with it for then. Wade texted several more times, but each time Peter ignored it. He needed time to think. He needed space, and clearly, Wade wasn't too concerned with giving it to him.
Eventually, he just turned his phone off, knowing that anyone else would just contact him through his watch, but even that was starting to get annoying. He was ready to go find somewhere quiet that he could be left alone for a while. Maybe he could get Flash to stick him into a locker and he can just stay there for the rest of the day.
But that might prove to be a problem considering that small spaces were now one of Peter's least favorite things on the planet. It was actually even worse than the old fear that he used to have of clowns.
His watch started to vibrate, but he ignored it too, not even bothering to look and find out why. The steady vibration was one that he knew. He could feel his heartbeat speed up, but he focused on taking a couple of deep breaths to try and relax. He didn't even know what he was getting so worked up about.
Back at the apartment, Bucky was an inconsolable wreck, and Steve couldn't quite calm him down. Every time that he got close, Bucky blew up again, yelling about how badly he deserved to be in cryo or even dead for the things that he did.
He was shaking and every time Steve got too close, he was physically pushed away. And when Steve saw the calendar he realized why Bucky was having this outburst. He remembered this date from Bucky's S.H.I.E.L.D. file and from his Hydra file... Today was December 16th. 27 years ago today, The Winter Soldier killed Howard and Maria Stark.
And Bucky was mentally paying the price for it every day. Today was just worse than the others. Because he knew what he'd done.
He'd murdered a man they both once knew. And his wife. And left their child, the man they both once felt for, orphaned.
And he didn't just murder them. He beat Howard Stark's face in with his metal fist and choked the innocent Maria to death. And the worst part is that he knew who they were. He recognized their faces while the Soldier was walking up to their car.
He desperately tried to make it stop, but with the Soldier in charge, there was nothing he could do and he knew it. All he could do was watch and scream and cry from inside his own mind.
Some nights, that's the kill that wakes him. Sends him shooting up from his bed drenched in sweat and screaming. Sometimes it was the kill that made him go statue still at random during the day. Sometimes it's the kill that brings a tear to his eye once he's finally alone. And sometimes it was the kill that made him lash out at others to keep them away.
After all, he was a murderer, and who could love a murderer?
Steve hated hearing Bucky say such things about himself, but he couldn't get close enough to Bucky to hold him. He was manic, metal hand tightly gripping his knife. Steve knew Bucky wouldn't intentionally hurt him, but when he got like this there was no telling what might accidentally happen.
All Nat could do was watch from her place behind Steve and she decided that today was not the day to tell them what happened with Peter yesterday. She decided it would be good to wait and just spend some one on one time with Peter herself. She thought about taking him to the park later. She was sure he'd like to sit out in the sun and watch the birds.
Peter liked being out because he could be in his own bubble but still be out somewhere. And despite the noise of the city, Peter knew how to make it quiet.
Nat considered texting Wade to press for details about what happened to Peter, but for right now she needed to focus on Steve and James. Although Peter was her boy, these were her men, and they needed her too.
She took a half-step forward and paused, thinking about what Wade said yesterday, about how she might not belong here. She took a full step backward. Then another.
She could barely hear Steve's soothing voice over James' sobs, but after a while, even those quieted down until the apartment was nearly silent once more. She knew that James might blow up several more times today, and when he did she'd be there for him.
She touched her stomach and thought back to her unborn child for the first time in many many years, and for the first time since then, she let herself shed a tear. Not just for herself...
But for them all.