Jingle Bells
Peter skidded into the recording studio, almost knocking over Dummy who was attempting to string a cranberry garland over the doorway.
“Sorry! I’m sorry! There was a backup on the subway! Is it too late to record?”
“I would give you a lecture on the importance of punctuality, but I’m afraid Pepper would give me a lecture on hypocrisy and my schedule just can’t handle that right now,” Tony said. “Thankfully the robots were able to amuse themselves while we waited.”
“I’m so sorry Mr. Stark, it won’t happen again,” Peter apologized profusely.
“There’s no sense in lying to me. I’m the master of lies!” Tony proclaimed proudly as Peter squinted at the mug in his hand. “Well, technically I think Loki holds that title. But Mr. Frosty isn’t here right now, so I’m the next best. I should totally schedule a lie-off. That sounds weird… Lay-off? No, definitely not. Championship of Falsehood? I like that. That’s a good name. I’ll have Pepper schedule that for me… sometime in… oh April. Yes, April first. That would be perfect…”
Peter was pretty sure the robots weren’t the only ones who had found a way to amuse themselves while they waited. He had a suspicious feeling that was eggnog in Tony’s mug, and judging from the smell he had been pretty liberal with the rum. He was also pretty sure Pepper would not be scheduling the “Stark Championship of Falsehood” either.
“So, uhh, should I go into that booth?” Peter asked, trying to get the billionaire back on track.
“The sound booth, yes! Did you practice? I hope you practiced. We need to outsell the fire department calendar you know. They better not have kittens. Not even naked Captain America on the album cover could outsell kittens.”
Peter very hurriedly tried to scrub that image from his mind. “I don’t think charity giving is supposed to be a competition, Mr. Stark…”
“Everything is a competition, young padawan,” Tony informed him, taking another large sip from his mug. “The sooner you learn that the easier life will be.”
Peter was pretty skeptical about that outlook, but he wasn’t about to argue with Mr. Stark. Especially not a drunk Mr. Stark who was probably about to get a boatload of blackmail material on him. Peter didn’t particularly want “Spiderman butchers Christmas music” going viral online.
"Dashing through the snow
In a cold lycra onesie
O’er rooftops we go
Freezing all the way (hahaha)
Ears of bad guys ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to fight villains
Around New York tonight!"
Peter was pretty happy with the lyrics Ned had helped him come up with. Once he’d found out Peter would be included in the fundraiser, it had been all Peter could to to convince him he couldn’t come to Stark Tower to “help” with the recording. Knowing Ned, he would have found a way to sneak into Tony’s workshop and broken something irreplaceable and then Peter would be out of a job. Again.
Ned would just have to content himself with writing the lyrics. Which he couldn’t be credited for because it would probably give away Peter’s identity. At least all the Avengers would know Ned wrote most of the lyrics. And Pepper would probably write a nice thank you note to Ned that she’d have Tony sign, so that was something.
"A day or two ago
I took a subway ride
And soon this smelly guy
Was seated by my side
I got gum on my backpack
Misfortune seemed my lot
Some idiot jumped on the track
And so we had to stop
Ironman, Ironman
Could I please get a jetpack
New York subways really stink
I promise I’ll pay you back
Ironman, Ironman
A jetpack would be great
I could avoid the underground
And then I won’t be late!"