They knew that saving the world was dangerous. All of them knew it, but the image of them losing somehow never properly considered...
But here they were – staring at ashes of people they knew that covered their surroundings. Steve calls it the ashes even though no burning actually occurred and they don’t feel like ashes if you touch them, but that the only word he could think of when he said it.
"What can we do?" Natasha asked, looking around, her eyes the closest to defeated Steve ever seen. He wanted to give a speech – he was told he was good at them – but nothing really came to him. No motivation. No determination. No will to fight... Just emptiness that was probably reflected in his eyes. He put his finger through the ashes, the pieces of Bucky that were left and almost took a step back at how unknown the feeling was. So, he said it. The only thing he could think of.
"Collect their ashes?" He suggested, his voice weak. All eyes were on him for a second, but no one voiced any protest, putting what's left of their loved ones into any container they had. Steve pushed down any actual feelings while picking up the pieces that almost disintegrated in his palms, but he somehow managed to fill the bottom of the container. He stood up and looked at his friends, Bruce hugging Natasha, who kept on whispering something to her communicator. Steve caught a soft 'Clint pick the fuck up' and connected his gaze with Rhodney who looked straight back at him.
"I don't know where Sam was" he said and Steve only nodded, not really knowing how to solve that problem. Okoye was standing still, keeping her guard up while explaining something to princess Shuri over, probably about the fate of their king. Steve felt something tugging on his pants and noticed the racoon that came with Thor.
"You the leader?" The animal asked and Steve wanted to scream that he is not, that he can't be the leader when you don't have a complete team, but he only nodded.
"I guess... Captain Steve Rogers" he answered and racoon pointed towards the place behind him.
"I'm Rocket and I need a spaceship... My friend is dead and I need to find my team" he explained and Steve only nodded, once again, feeling like that was the only thing he could do at this point.
"I invite you to come back to the castle with us and I'm sure princess Shuri will consider helping you" he explained and noticed that the animal looked like he was ready to fight, but Thor came to him, appearing almost out of nowhere – how could he be so quiet? Thor was never quiet...
"I'm sorry Captain, I need to speak to the rabbit" he apologised for interrupting and looked at his new little friend. "I think your friend can come back" he then said and pointed at the stick attached to his new weapon, making racoon's eyes wider.
"He is not completely gone" the Rocket mumbled, his finger slowly exploring the material of the weapon. Steve hold his container tighter... If only he could say the same.
*****
Shuri worked on testing of what was left of her brother, even suggesting that Steve's idea of collecting the remains wasn't as stupid as it seemed. She also looked at the hopeful racoon and the stick Thor was holding before wiping out her tears and nodding.
"I think it's plausible... Trees grow so If there is any seed, dead or alive, I could try to bring your friend. No promises though" she quickly added and Rocket nodded.
"Not to be mean, but I will assist you, princess. I'm quite good at technology" he explained. And that how it started.
Two weeks later Shuri, Rocket and Bruce were still working on finding the way out of the situation. Clint came to Wakanda a week after half of the population disappeared with a two-year-old in his arms and 12-year-old Lila walking along his side. Steve come to say hello, nodding towards little Bartons, not asking the obvious question that was hanging in between them.
"Lila, can you take your brother and go say hey to auntie Nat?" Clint asked, noticing Natasha walking in their direction. Lila only nodded and took her little brother's hand before walking towards Natasha. Clint shook his head. "Nat mentioned what happened..." He started and shook his head. "The most important battle in the history of the universe and I decided to be on the fucking retirement" he then said and Steve shook his head.
"No, Clint. It's not your fault. You spend the time with your family, that was way smarter than us fighting the lost battle" he had one conversation with Bucky before they started fighting. One conversation and couple words are thrown in when they noticed each other. He should have said something more, he should have done something more, he could've enjoyed the last moments they had, but he didn't... His right hand jumped up to his neck, a little bottle with dark fragile elements hanging on his chest. Close to his heart, exactly where Bucky always was.
"I could've done something... to save Laura and Cooper, I could've..." Clint started and quickly stopped and smiled. "Hey princess, did you tell auntie Nat about what Nathaniel did in the car?" He asked and Steve turned around to notice little Barton girl who shook his head and hugged to Clint.
"I told her about talking racoon, but she just wanted to come back to you" Nat said, holding a 2-year-old in her arms. Steve walked away, not saying goodbye, leaving Clint and his kids with Natasha. At least they have each other.
*****
Tony came back shortly after Clint came, a blue alien of his side. He didn't want to talk, just locked himself in a free room with couple bottles of whiskey. No one has seen him for two days after that. Nat told him that both Peter and Pepper disappeared so they decided to let Tony grief in peace.
*****
Tony told them exactly what happened before locking himself for another week. After that story Rocket wasn't seen sober for over a month as he just learned that all his friends were gone. Steve didn't blame Tony or Rocket for their behaviour – if he could physically get drunk he would do it straight away.
*****
"I got it!" He heard Shuri yell, a month after everything started. The Princess run away from her lab and pointed at Steve. "Captain! Where is Rocket? I think I found a way for Groot" she said with a smile and excitement. Steve couldn’t help but smile. They all needed a win right now.
"He is either bothering Thor, steals some weapons on drinks himself in the kitchen" he offered and Shuri rolled her eyes.
"When he sobers up he will have a surprise" she then added and run back to her lab.
Two days later Steve witnessed a racoon crying over the flowerpot with a little green leaf growing out of it. He felt the weight of his necklace decreasing with this light of hope in their lives.
*****
Steve liked Nebula – she didn't ask questions, she didn't even talk too much, but she was somehow a good companion. They started sparing, which Steve was doing since the beginning of his grief, to reflect his emotional pain in a physical way. Nebula was the only person who was willing to punch him in the face without asking any questions – Thor -, suggesting a less violent solution – Bruce, Rhodney and Clint – or starting some kind of therapy session about dealing with pain – Natasha. So, Steve made a new friend, with blue skin and mechanic parts and could win a sparring match with him within 60 seconds. He never took off his necklace.
*****
Thor managed to make Asgardian alcohol and gave some to Steve before he flew away to another planet, so Steve decided to do the most obvious thing – he got drunk.
Three hours later he stumbled into the kitchen only to meet Tony who honestly looked like hell with dark bags under his eyes and unshaved face. Iron Man looked up from the food in front of him only to drop his gaze after a second.
"Capsticle" he greeted him. "Nice to see you not getting your face punched down by robot-alien" he added and Steve took a step forward. Now, he was aiming for a chair, but he missed.
"I only do... Ho-ow are yo-ou" he mumbled, somehow mispronouncing one syllable words, making them weirdly longer. God, he wasn't drunk for ages.
"Are you... drunk?" Tony asked and sounded almost impressed. Steve nodded before finally sitting on a chair. "How did you manage that?"
"Thor" he only answered and Stark nodded. "Tony... I'm sorry... for that 2 years of us... not talking" he mumbled, hoping that his words came out as he wanted them to.
"Don’t worry about it. It was my fault anyway and... well, we do have bigger issues" Tony said and a corner of his lips moved up. This was the closest to a smile Steve saw him got since he came back. "How are you doing?" Tony asked and Steve needed to think for a moment, but his mouth decided to speak for him.
"Shit" he just said. "I think I may be a masochist... Natasha told me that during one of her subtle therapy sessions" he continued and Tony nodded.
"Can't really argue with that. You do ask Nebula to beat you into a bloody mess" he mumbled and the blonde man nodded, before changing his mind and shaking his head instead.
"It's not only that... It's... Bucky... I-" he stopped himself and felt the pain on his forehead before he noticed that his head fell out of his palm onto the wooden furniture in front of him.
"Cap... What about Bucky?" Tony asked after a moment of quiet.
"He is gone. Like many... And I wear what's left of him... Fucking bloody reminded of what I lost... what I could save if I did something different" he said, sitting up to show his necklace to Tony. "That's all that left of him, Tony and I just-" he shook his head, feeling something wet on his face. "I never told him what I felt... Not really..." He then said and wiped his face after realising that he was crying. He didn't actually cry since the first night after the attack.
"Hey, hey, Steve" he heard Tony say before he something touching his shoulder. "I'm sure Bucky knew, okay? I'm sure he knew how you felt" Stark said and Steve looked at him.
"How can you know that?" He asked and he hoped that his voice wasn't mean because there was no intention of sounding mean.
"Oh, Cap. Everyone could see that, okay? You rebelled for that guy. You threw away fame and your reputation to save his brainwashed ass and became fugitive... There is no way he didn’t know how you felt. And there is no way he didn't feel exactly the same. Okay?" Tony said and Steve felt like he could start crying even more. "Okay?" He repeated and Steve nodded.
"Yeah... Okay" he said and Tony gave him something that reminded him of a smile. It was like a shadow, a memory of a what a smile should look like, but he will take it.
"Guys" they heard and both of them turned around to see Natasha standing in the door. "I'm sorry I had to interrupt this little moment of yours, but I have some news" she said.
"Good or bad?" He only asked and Steve noticed that something different appeared in Natasha. The spark of determination that never really disappeared from her face was there again, shining brighter than ever before.
"Both" she only said and gestured towards the corridor. "Now help Steve move and let's go to the lab. The rest is probably already there"
*****
Five minutes later they were in the lab to see Thor and Shuri explaining something to people who were already there.
"Nice to see you finally made it" Okoye commented and Steve apologised before taking a seat on the nearest chair.
"So, what's so important we all needed to be here at 2 a.m.?" Clint asked, holding his son in his arms.
"I'm glad you asked," Shuri said and something changed. A smile. A simple smile, full of determination and enthusiasm smile appeared on her lips. "Will you tell them, big guy?" She directed her words to Thor nodded and clapped his hands.
"There is a way to get everyone back" the god informed them and the atmosphere in the room changed drastically. Steve tighten the grip on his necklace.
"It includes killing Thanos and probable suicide mission" Shuri added, the smile still present on her lips. "Who's in?" She then asked.
*****
A week later all of them were on the spaceship, ready to fix everything or lose even more – their purpose clearer than ever. Steve sat in his seat, holding his necklace in between his fingers.
"I will see you soon, Bucky" he said and tightened his grip. "This isn't the end of the line yet"