Tony couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t think, couldn’t comprehend. He simply starred down at his hands, body trembling lightly as the pain was hidden behind the shock. As his brain refused to accept what had just happened.
Humans didn’t just… they didn’t just decatenate. People couldn’t just turn to ash and dust, not for no reason. It just wasn’t possible.
But it had happened. To half the entire universe, if Thanos’ plans were to be believed. Half of every life that existed had just become scattered atoms, snuffed out in a snap of Thanos gauntlet covered fingers.
Random, he’d claimed. The lives destroyed would be random. But how was Tony to trust that? When it had taken so much longer for Peter to succumb, when he’d looked in pain where everyone else had felt nothing. How was Tony meant to believe Peter had lost his life randomly when only he was left? That didn’t seem random, that seemed like Thanos keeping his word to let Tony live while destroy every other perceived threat.
Even a child.
Tony shut his eyes, body forcing in a shaking breath before he could black out. He was alone. That wasn’t a new feeling. It hadn’t been a new feeling when Rogers and the others had walked out, when Bruce had gone missing, but since then it had settled in his bones. A constant dull ache that he got used to. Tony could accept being alone.
But he couldn’t handle this.
Clutching his fists around dust, Tony wished he could just wake up. Wake up and find himself in a cold sweat on his bed. Wake up and walk down the hall, assurance himself that Peter was alive and well and asleep.
Peter couldn’t be-
He just couldn’t be-
Tony shut his eyes so tight he it hurt as he tried to push the word away, tried to stop it from taking root in his mind. He wouldn’t let it.
God, he hadn’t even said anything. Peter had been begging for his life, had been clutching so tight to Tony, his last words had been an apology. But Tony had said nothing. He hadn’t been able to force the words past the lump in his throat. Tony should had said something. Told Peter he loved him, told him how damn proud he was of him, that he was the best damn think in Tony’s life and always had been.
But he hadn’t.
And now that chance was gone.
“We should go.” Tony startled at the voice, looking over to find that blue cyborg standing, walking towards him. Right, he wasn’t actually alone. He’d forgotten she was still there. Still alive.
“Where?” Tony asked, voice rough around the word. Where could they go? What was there to do now that Thanos had won? Strange had said there was only one future where they won, clearly they’d fucked up whatever plan he’d meant for them to follow.
“Earth.” The blue alien answered. “Your planet had two of the infinity stones, and forces that could stop his children. It might be the only planet left with the strength to destroy Thanos.”
“What’s the point?” Tony muttered. “He’s already won.”
“Then we will make him regret it.” The blue alien said firmly, walking towards where that other group had send their ship was. Anger bubbled in his stomach as he took in her words. Yeah. That could work. They weren’t called the Avenger’s for nothing. Tony hobbled towards the ship, kept upright by adrenaline when his side should have been screaming in pain. He’d make Thanos regret it all.
That anger only last Tony to the ship. Once they were flying, with nothing for Tony to do, it was quickly outweighed by the grief. Killing Thanos wasn’t going to fix anything, it wasn’t going to ease that pain. Tony knew that, and it quickly chewed away at his anger. He hadn’t the energy to be angry in a long time.
So instead of spending the trip plotting Thanos’ brutal death, he did mindless repairs on his suit. Tried not to think of Peter’s pleading tone and terrified eyes. Save for quick introductions, he and Nebula hadn’t spoken since they’d gotten on the ship, but he got the impression she wasn’t having the same problem with her anger. The snarling glint to her lips, the way she was glaring at the space ahead, Tony was positive Nebula was imagining tearing Thanos limb from limb.
“We’re nearing Earth.” Nebula broke the silence of the ship some immeasurable time later. “I’m picking up readings of a previous aircraft landing, is that where your friends will be?” Probably not his friends, Tony thought but didn’t bother to voice.
“Probably.” He said instead, finding up one last tweak to his suit. It wasn’t perfect, but it was at least functioning again. No more risk of stab wounds. No more risk of stupid wizards bargaining the universe for his life.
They broke through the atmosphere and flew towards what had recently been announced as the real Wakanda. Tony tried to ignore the way his eyes stung. Peter had wanted so bad to see Wakanda, even more so since meeting Shuri. For weeks, Tony had been trying to brush the requests off without explaining why he thought it was a bad idea. The city, in all it’s technological glory, came into view and Tony knew Peter would have loved it even more than he thought.
He excused himself to the loading bay as Nebula landed, not wanting to get close enough to see who’d be waiting for them.
Nebula had to help him down the ramp. The adrenaline and shock were finally starting to wear off, which meant his body was remembering he’d been stabbed pretty life threateningly earlier. Standing before the ship, tense but weapons not drew, was a semi-circle of mostly familiar faces, a few new ones.
“Where’s the others?” One of the unfamiliar faces, a talking raccoon, questioned Nebula. Normally, Tony might’ve spared a thought for that. Today, he just let out a breath when he saw Rhodey.
“Thanos killed Gamora to get the soul stone.” Nebula explained, tone just a step above pained. “The others were killed when he acquired the mind stone. The familiar faces tensed and Tony knew Vision was dead. He’d already known, logically, but he’d done a very good job of not thinking about it.
God, it was all getting really damn close to too much right now.
“Tony.” Rhodey spoke like he already knew the answer to a question he hadn’t asked, and he hated it. Please don’t ask, Tony thought. Please don’t make me face this.
“Where’s Peter? The report said Spiderman went missing with you.” It was Rogers that spoke, in that stupid captain voice of his. A year ago, Tony would’ve punched him. But that was the reason he didn’t have the energy to be angry anymore. For two years now, anger had been eating him alive, tearing him down until it had finally settled into a big, ugly mass of pain and hurt that refused fade.
“What do you care?” Tony muttered, tone empty and bitter even to his own ears. “You couldn’t even bother to say goodbye to Peter, or call him on his birthday, why do you suddenly care about his well-being?” Rogers at least had the decency to flinch, face clouded with a pain Tony refused to notice.
“Tony.” Rhodey said his name firmly, a grounding force with his universe had ended. Literally and figuratively. “Talk to me.” There were hands on Tony’s shoulders now, prompting Tony’s eyes back to his best friend. If it had been anyone else, it would have only served to panic Tony further. But this was Rhodey, it wasn’t like that with Rhodey.
“He’s gone.” Tony whispered, hands shaking as he finally, truly comprehended that his son was dead. He was dead and he wasn’t coming back. A pained noise left Tony as the weight of it came crashing down on him. “I couldn’t save him Rhodey, he just… he just faded away.” Without another word, Rhodey pulled Tony into a tight hug. He pulled away just as quickly when Tony cried out.
“You’re hurt.” He frowned. Tony didn’t reply, they’d had a very long talk about not saying ‘I’m fine’ when you didn’t mean it after the whole blood poisoning thing. “Come on, you need medical attention.”
The walk to the city was a blur. Both because he’d almost been crying, and he couldn’t really remember it. All he really remembered was the hasty meeting with Shuri, where she’d taken one look, realized T’Challa and Peter weren’t with them, and hugged Tony tightly. Despite the pain, and the confused compliments from the others, Tony hugged her back. They’d meet shortly after Wakanda had revealed itself, because Tony’s labs were the only ones in America up to her standards and because Tony was happy to meet any young genius. They’d gotten to know each other because Peter and Shuri hit it off. Gone now was the sassy, smirking girl Tony was used to seeing in the lab with his son. None she was a young woman, technically a queen, and trying her hardest not to cry.
She’d quickly directed him to one of her labs now, and sat him down to be examined. The others spilt off from them, Rhodey only after being assured Shuri would fix him right up. Shuri didn’t seem to mind being pulled away from the likely thousands of duties she, as heir to the throne, probably had. Tony couldn’t blame her. She was never met to be Queen, at least machines and fixing things made sense.
“There, you should be good as new soon.” Tony hadn’t even realized how silent it had been until Shuri spoke.
“Thanks.” He mumbled, sitting back up and actually looking at the lab he was in. “Peter would have loved this.” He whispered. Don’t cry, he told himself. Don’t cryTh damnit.
“I was going to ask brother if he could visit.” Shuri wasn’t having the same luck, but Tony didn’t draw attention to tears on her cheeks. “I thought it would be funny to get them to spar, brother would’ve underestimated Peter’s strength.”
“Peter would’ve found that hilarious.” Tony could just see him trying to apologize through his laughter.
“I should go help Okoye and M’Baku.” Shuri forced herself to say. “You should rest more.” Tony nodded, knowing full well he wouldn’t, and watched Shuri leave.
What was he meant to do now?
Tony took a deep breath, burying his face in his hands as he tried not to let the grief overtake him. There had to be something he needed to do, some task to push the painful mourning to a later date. He needed to call Pepper, and Happy. See what resources Stark Industry had to help the rebuild. Help Nebula hunt Thanos down maybe.
Footsteps startled Tony out of his thoughts, and his blaster was armed and aimed before the person even fully came into view.
Seeing Rogers didn’t make him feel inclined to drop the blaster. But he forced himself to drop the armour, mostly because his side still hurt.
“Tony.” Rogers started and then faulted, looking like he was trying to figure out what to say next. Tony didn’t bother helping him along. “I’m sorry.” Rogers eventually settled.
“Don’t.” Tony glared. “Don’t apologize when you don’t mean it. You’re saying ‘sorry’ because you feel guilty he’s-” Tony bit his lip harshly to stop from saying the word. “You don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.”
“I thought he wouldn’t want to hear from me.” Rogers claimed.
“Cut the bullshit Rogers.” Tony rubbed the bridge of his nose. “You were his father, you think he wanted you to just drop off the face of the Earth? How can you be that stupid?”
“I’m not his father. You’re his father.” Rogers stressed. “I was just…” He paused, trying to find the words. Tony bet him to it.
“Just some guy that was dating his father for year. Just some guy that lived with us. Just some guy he called ‘papa’. Where exactly did you get the idea he didn’t consider you his father?” Tony countered. Maybe he wasn’t as exhausted of anger as he thought.
“I messed up.” Finally, finally, Rogers broke that damn ‘captain’ tone. Finally sounded like he actually cared about what he was saying. “But I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me, or that you’d let me talk to him, so I didn’t try. I wish I could go back and change that.”
“Well you can’t. You can’t, and you can’t play damage control either because he’s dead. Our son is dead and his last words were ‘I’m sorry’ because he thinks you hate him. He thinks he wasn’t good enough for you and that’s why you left so easy. And you can’t go back and fix that Steve!” He was standing now, breaths short and angry as he glared up at the super solider.
“I know that!” Steve shouted back, eyes looking just as misty as Tony’s felt. “And I’m sorry.”
“Well sorry’s not good enough.” Tony could already feel the anger leaving again, being washed away by the numbness and the exhaustion. He walked past Rogers, wiping his eyes as soon as he was passed the taller man. He needed to find something to do. Tony didn’t care what it was, so long as it took his mind of the gaping hole in his heart that had once belonged to the brightest boy he’d ever met. The light of his life, the smiles that had always kept him going, the boy that had looked at Tony like he was a hero with or without the suit.
Peter was gone.
Tony wasn’t sure he’d ever be okay again.