Tony didn’t want to go into the house.
If he went into the house, he was afraid of what he might—or might not—find, of what realizations he would have to face.
He had to go inside though—he had to know, had to know what had become of one small decision made by Stephen Strange that affected everyone in the world—everyone he knew and loved.
Tony had been back on Earth for two days, keeping under the radar as much as possible, and avoiding his home like the plague. He hadn’t tried to reach out to anyone, afraid of what he might discover, but two days had been long enough. Not knowing would certainly kill him; though knowing might kill him even faster.
Mercy. That’s all he wanted.
A growing sense of dread started somewhere deep in his chest, the feeling seeping deep into his bones and settling there, taking hold and refusing to let go. His stomach was in knots to the point of making him nauseous and he wondered if he’d actually be able to walk into the one place he used to love without getting sick or passing out. He had to try though, he had to be strong. If not for himself, for Pepper.
God, Pepper. Just thinking about her made his heart constrict and his chest tighten so painfully that he had to hunch over, hands on his knees, and take a few deep breaths.
Damnit. I should’ve listened. I never listened to the one person who actually had her shit together and now look at me. Look at where I am.
It was now or never, Tony figured as he stepped up to the front door of his New York City home. The security system was set, just like it always was, though that brought little comfort to Tony’s heart as it slammed against his ribcage.
With one hand, he typed in the security code while he rubbed the spot on his chest right above his newly inserted arc reactor with the other. If it wasn’t for the fact that Tony was very familiar with the way his body reacted when he was experiencing panic and anxiety attacks, he would’ve sworn he was going into cardiac arrest. He could feel his breathing hitch in his throat as he turned the door handle and after taking two steps inside, he shut the door and leaned his back against the wood, sliding down until he was seated on the floor, his head dropped between his knees.
Please let her be okay. I need her to be okay.
Tony had no idea how long he’d sat there on the floor of the foyer, his head between his knees. It could’ve been minutes, hours even, and he wouldn’t have had a clue. But what he did know was that in the time he’d been sitting on the floor, not a single noise came from within, not even the familiar noise of heels on tile that Tony had come to love and recognize as Pepper.
He couldn’t wait any longer, couldn’t put this off. He had to know. There was only one thing that he couldn’t live without, and that was Pepper. He had to protect her, however he could… if that was still part of his reality now.
Forcing himself to his feet, Tony took a few heavy steps forward, his legs feeling like they were made of lead and nearly impossible to lift. With each step he took, his body protested, the tightening in his chest returning the second he walked into the kitchen and saw no signs of Pepper being there recently. He reached out to grasp the marble countertop, his knuckles turning white at how hard he was gripping onto it.
This was bad. This was so, so bad.
Upstairs. Check upstairs, her office, our bedroom. I’ve got to check, I’ve got to find her.
The only thing Tony could grasp onto was the idea that Pepper was out of the house at the time, that she’d come waltzing back in at any moment. He was still holding out hope that things would be okay, that he could make this right.
Stepping into their bedroom once he’d reached the top of the stairs, whatever little bit of hope Tony was still holding onto vanished just as quickly as Thanos had snapped his fingers. If someone would’ve been there with him, watching his expression, they would’ve seen the very moment the light left his eyes.
The bedsheets were wrinkled, as if someone had been lying on top of the covers, the lamp on the nightstand turned on even though it was the middle of the day and the sun was shining brightly. The book on the floor had clearly been dropped, the pages creased from where it had fallen open and had been left to rest there for God only knows how long.
But that wasn’t the worst of it.
There lie Pepper’s engagement ring just a few inches from the book, as if it had simply slipped off her finger and onto the floor.
He could feel the bile starting to rise in the back of his throat as he tried taking a few steps forward, though he didn’t get very far. The sheer force of the realization that Pepper was gone hit him like a truck and brought him to his knees, the tears that had been pricking at the corners of his eyes now beginning to spill down his cheeks, hot and salty and full of anger and sorrow.
It had been hard enough watching Strange and Quill disappear before his eyes, even harder losing Peter as he held the boy in his arms. But this? This was so much worse; the pain that came with this was more than he thought he would ever experience. Pepper had been alone, unaware of what had happened on the other side of the world, unaware of what that meant for her.
Fuck. She had to have been so scared. She was alone and I wasn’t here to protect her, to hold her and tell her that she would be okay. I couldn’t save her, the one thing I swore to protect—I let her down even after I promised her I’d never do it again. Pep—oh God, Pepper I love you, I’m so sorry honey. I should’ve stopped him, I should’ve saved you.
Grabbing the small trashcan that was next to the nightstand, Tony heaved until nothing else came up, his shoulders still shaking with the tears that refused to stop falling.
So this is what grief and guilt felt like.
God, he hated the feeling, hated himself for not being there for Pepper, for not listening to her when she told him to get off that ship and come home.
He’d regret his decision for the rest of his life.
He leaned forward, grabbing the custom engagement ring he’d bought all those years ago for her, and held it tightly in his fist. After several moments, he lifted his hand closer to his face and unfurled his fingers so he could look at the ring.
A combination of anguish and guilt, fury and pain, washed over him all at once at the finality of it all—at the finality of Pepper being gone.
It was as if every nerve ending in his body was suddenly on fire.
The ring tumbled from Tony’s hand and hit the floor and he didn’t bother to retrieve it.
God, the pain, the hurt… it would never end. This feeling of grief and guilt and anger and defeat would be something he’d carry around with him for the rest of his life.
How was he supposed to live like this—in a world without the one woman he’d loved more than anything else?
Tony started to scream.