Chapter 1
Lately, Clint finds himself on the range a lot.
He's shooting until his fingers hurt or even bleed, then gets snappy at his new teammates when they want to offer help.
He knows it's no good, that he's basically turning into his brother Barney, brutal and antisocial, but he can't help it... Letting anyone get close just hurts too much.
At least he isn't turning into his father, not yet. Although he sometimes thinks it would be all too easy to fall down that rabbit hole as well, to give up all control. And control over his life is what he clings to, so he stears clear of all alcohol, doesn't even touch a beer at all.
Instead, he shoots his bow again until his hands are bleeding and his head is fuzzy with sleep deprivation, dehydration and exhaustion.
His life has been falling apart ever since he got transferred. He wasn’t looking for it, didn’t want it, but Furt insisted and suddenly he is part of a team of superheroes.
While he appreciates that no longer being under SHIELD contract means less missions and less paperwork, it just doesn't feel right.
He watches the strike teams Coulson's heading out with on his laptop screen, JARVIS having hacked SHIELD security for him.
Clint wonders if Coulson knows. Whether he even cares.
Ward seems to be his new favoured sniper, growing into the role easily despite using a rifle instead of a bow.
And Coulson is still doing his thing, playing the stoic robot agent as always.
And that’s what stings the most, he thinks. Coulson hasn't changed, doesn't seem to have a problem with Clint being gone.
Not one word of protest, just a quick "Congratulations, Barton" I'm Fury's office and then he had walked out. Catching up with Coulson in the hallway, his mind still reeling, Clint had asked if Coulsn had known.
"I suggested you for the initiative. They need someone with your skills, but I wasn't sure the Director would see it the same way"
So he didn't need Clint's skills. Had wanted to get rid of him, left him like everyone always did.
Clint kept quiet after that. And they had not spoken about it ever since. Well, they hadn't spoken at all. Eight years working together, for once thinking that someone would be different, and now this.
So Clint settles in at Stark tower, half-heartedly gets to know his new team, and in the evenings goes to the brand-new shooting range Tony installed on one of the upper floors and gets lost in it. Draw, aim, release. Draw, aim, release.
At first he tries to tell himself the extra range time is a gift, from himself, to himself, for getting what's basically a promotion. Later he just wallows in misery. And now he doesn’t think about anything anymore, just fires the arrows and only moves to fill his quiver whenever it is empty, getting more and more lost.
He's lonely, even if he doesn't want to admit it.
Natasha doesn’t have any time to spare for social calls, no lazy afternoons together being silly, she seems to try to spend all her social energy at once whenever the entire team's around. And Clint doesn't show up those nights.
Maria works as hard as ever, and now that he isn't based at HQ anymore he doesn't see her for weeks. Melinda never shows up, either, and it’s only now that Clint realizes how much of the time they spent together was only ever around Phil. Not Phil, Coulson. He can't keep calling him Phil in his mind, not when the other man so clearly cut him out of his life.
Clint shows up whenever the Avengers assemble, files his reports and his mission work is extraordinary. Steve is pleased and praises him, but it means nothing to Clint.
The only time he gets the sparkle back in his eyes is when the team is assigned as back up to a Strike Team op Coulson leads, and out in the field, Phil's voice in his ear, Clint feels like himself again. But it’s brief and momentary and only once, and Clint sinks back into his daze immediately after.
He spends his days in the vents, or walking aimlessly through the streets.
When he gets home, he goes up to the range before he even considers what he is going to have for dinner, and his fingers are bleeding again by the time he takes his first bite to eat.
By the time he stumbles into his rooms, his mind is completely fogged with exhaustion, hunger and adrenaline. Sometimes he manages to eat pop-tarts or something, usually he just makes himself at least drink a glass of water before passing out on the couch.
Sometimes, he wakes up at four or five in the morning, and climbs into the vents before going back to sleep, waking up with his mind and body still buzzed, feeling the effects of the adrenaline still running through his body, while everything feels cramped from his awkward sleeping position.
He's glad he doesn't have to go anywhere, that the tower- Avenger's tower now, because apparently they're just that great of a team- provides everything.
It's the main reason he even moved there, that and the private shooting range. He doesn't want to run into anyone at SHIELD.
Picking up coffee in the kitchen downstairs, he disappears into the vents before anyone can see him or his wounds.
When Fury tells Clint and Phil about Clint's promotion to the Avengers, without telling Phil in advance, he is mad. Glaring at Marcus, he manages to congratulate Clint anyway, because he deserves that much and his and Marcus' dispute is not Clint's fault, he leaves office, planning to tell Clint more about what exactly is going on.
But Clint is reserved and doesn't stick around to talk.
Phil worries.
While he knows that Clint is ready, has been ready to move on from his position as a specialist for years now, he also knows that Clint, with his history, needs to be eased into changes like this.
But Clint seems to take it alright, and as the Avengers are a funny formed initiative and go on their own missions, he's barely even to be seen at HQ anymore.
While Phil had expected Clint to be busy in those first weeks, it still stings that he doesn't get to see the other man at all. That he doesn't bother to visit. It's only through Jasper that he hears about Clint moving into Stark Tower permanently.
Phil has never wanted to let Clint go. He trusts him like he trusts no-one else, not even Fury. He wants him on his team, in his life, and he aches in Clint’s absence. He misses the smartass comments over the coms, and Barton's instincts on a mission.
He likes quite some of the new recruits and trusts them enough to know they will get the job done, but they're not the Agent he chose and trained and nurtured for years. Clint’s flair and intuition, the way he and Clint can commuincate without speaking, Clint’s presence, it all makes him invaluable to Phil.
So he misses the other man like crazy, but he won't stop him from moving on.
Phil just wants Clint to take every opportunity, because Clint deserves it, and now Clint seems to finally understand that he's better than everyone at SHIELD, including Phil.
It doesn't stop him from trying to keep an eye on the archer, however. Which turns out to be harder than expected, with how Clint doesn't show his face around SHIELD anymore, especially after Stark declared the Avengers to be a independent organisation.
Clint doesn't return to bed-stuy a lot, either, positioning someone there to take care of his tenants insted of spending his free time there himself. Understandable really, after all it's not like he doesn't have the money now.
So Phil watches and listens and waits.
In the few moments he does catch sight of him, Clint is quiet and professional, and sometimes he seems dazed. Phil figures at first that Clint is just trying to adjust to his new position, yes perhaps taking the change harder than Phil initially thought, and trying to be professional around his teammates.
Then Phil notices the distance that has grown between Clint and everyone at HQ. He hadn't thought too much when Clint stopped visiting him, after all he always knew that Clint is too good for him. Now he thinks he might have been blinded by his own insecurities.
It's a comment by Melinda that first throws him. When Maria is talking about who to invite to her birthday barhop, Melinda snorts "Better not plan on Barton showing up, dude's just thinking he's too good for us with his rich bitch superhero friends."
Immediately feeling like he has to defend the other man, Phil butts in "I'm sure he'd come to your party, he's just not on base for work anymore, it's natural we don't see a lot of him-"
"A lot?" Melinda interrupts "I don't want Barton to be glued to my hip like he used to be with you, but he hasn't showed his face around at all!"
"Well, have you gone looking for him?" And while saying this Phil already notices his own mistake. He hasn't ever gone to visit Clint either. Clint might be missing them just as much as he misses him, but be to insecure to ask...
He decides that he will make sure to visit him as soon as possible, after all if Clint really thinks how Mel implied, the worst thing that could happen is Clint telling him to piss off. Which would still hurt, but, well.
A mission gets in the way, and it soon turns out to be everything but a cakewalk.
After he requests backup, he gets a message that the Avengers are on their way. Briefly, he worries about working with Clint after being so distanced, but he knows that the other man can be professional.
And yes, in the field, it's so easy to fall back into old patterns,and he half expects Clint to come hang around in his office after, as he used to. He never shows up. So Phil goes looking himself.
After talking JARVIS into giving him access to Clint's floor, Philis surprised to find him passed out on his couch, not moving even as Phil steps into the room.
It's still relatively early, and Clint and his team haven't had to assemble for the past few weeks, and today he was really only eyes up high for a few hours, so it shouldn't be exhaustion...
And Clint doesn't drink, never did, Phil would've been surprised to say the least if Clint changed that thoroughly.
He can't be seriously ill or injured though, either, as JARVIS would've noticed and allerted Stark as well as telling Phil on his way in. And anything less than pneumonia doesn't usually knock Clint out, he doesn't even take medication unless forced to.
So why does the other man appear to be knocked out cold?
Stepping closer, Phil sees the bandages around Clint's hands and wrists, as well as the dark bags under Clint's eyes.
Clint's bow Betsy is still leaning against the couch in one piece and that doesn't mean anything good either way: Either Clint had just returned from the range and immediately passed out, or he's in such a bad state he doesn't even bother to take care of his favourite bow.
Taking in the sight in front of him, Phil feels shaken. How did he miss this? He should have known. Should have been there for Clint.
Gently touching the other man's arms so as not to startle him, Phil rouses Clint enough to get him to his feet. He's glad that the other man still seems to accept his presence, trust him enough to not snap out of whatever weak state he's currently in.
Clint is still completely out of it, muttering to himself as he lets Phil help him to the bedroom. His rambling is revealing, and Phil carefully listens to every word while he puts Clint to bed.
"Didn't even care about me anymore. Not a word. Eight years and just lets me get kicked off his team, leaves me like everybody else. Won't have me now, not anymore. Not good enough I guess, never like the others. Too long and never told him. No more Phil for me. Gonna die all alone"
Phil gets a little misty-eyed at that. Oh, Clint.
He puts Clint to bed and sets his phone on silent. Dragging over a chair, Phil settles in for the night, watching Clint sleep.
He thinks about what Clint had said in his blurry state, and smiles when he realizes Clint missed their friendship, too.
Then he thinks that maybe there is something more to it, and hopes he is right when he thinks that Clint wants him to be more than a friend, too.
If that’s true, he’s sorry that he’s only figuring this out now, but better late than never.
Looking at the bandages on Clint's hands, he sees the angry red lines that form whenever the archer shoots without his hand guard for too long in his mind, and decides this has to change.