jo,
um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 2, 2012 (5 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
Hi
I’m not even sure of why I am sending this email but I just- I guess I just need to talk to someone that doesn’t know me at all. So, hi. I’m so so so sorry if this is weird (I know it is tho) but I just, um, I don’t know? I just really wanted to talk to someone who’s not gonna judge me. I had a panic attack a few minutes ago. It wasn’t that bad but I was alone and I got scared -duh- so I tried to calm down with some breathing exercises and now I’m better, but I’m still a little upset and this is, uh, this helps. Just writing to someone who’s nobody I know. It really helps. I’m sorry if I’m annoying you.
Uh, I don’t know what else to say. I needed to write this even tho I actually didn’t write anything relevant.
You don’t need to answer this. Unless you want to. But it’s alright if you don’t.
That’s it. Now I say goodbye. Wow I’m too weird.
Bye
J
re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 2, 2012 (5 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
hey i get it. taking to someone you don’t know really helps sometimes.
can you give me some advice?
something not good happened to me and i don’t know if i should tell anyone about it.
it sucks that you had a panic attack but it’s good you remembered your breathing exercises. make sure you get some rest after things like that happen because they can be really draining.
regards,
p
re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 2, 2012 (5 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
Hey, thanks for the good response. It means a lot to me.
Take it from a person that finds it hard to open up to people: when you talk to someone about your problem, it actually gets a lot better. When someone else knows what you're going through, whatever that is, you know you don't have to do it all alone. Maybe you should try and talk to someone you trust?
But if you're in danger or someone hurt you, I think you really should talk to an adult.
I'm used to the panic attacks. They come with the whole anxiety package, and I learned how to deal with them. It's just that yesterday I was sad and tired, I don't know. But yeah, I went to bed after that, so don't worry. :)
J
re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
j,
i’m glad you got some rest! i hope you’re feeling better.
i don’t even know who to talk to, i was going to email someone but then it just kind of felt weird to email them but i couldn’t possibly tell my aunt to her face because she would freak out and it’s not really a big deal.
i haven’t really been able to leave my house without my hands shaking. it got so bad when i went to school that i called my aunt and told her i threw up so i could go home.
anyway,
p
re: re: re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
p,
i'm sorry you have to go through this (whatever it is), it sounds pretty bad. maybe you should talk to a friend first? the important thing is, you can't keep it to yourself. when i try to hide my problems they end up getting a lot worse.
i know it's hard, but i insist that you really should talk to someone. maybe a friend or your aunt, or anyone you know and trust. it'll help, i promise. if you don't wanna tell your aunt because of her reaction, you could try and talk to another adult and they could tell her? i don't know. i've been there, i know it sucks, i'm sorry.
i'm feeling better actually! i almost had another panic attack while i was going to school this morning because i was nervous about my exams but everything worked out well and now i’m fine. school is a lot worse this year so, that sucks. but it'll get better. i hope.
j
re: re: re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
j,
i’m glad everything is going okay with you. i hope that it keeps going that way for you.
you really think i should talk to someone? i think i might send that email, it could probably help. honestly, i probably won’t do it today, i don’t even think i could type out the words at this point, but you make something good points about telling someone
gosh, does it ever get easier to think about?
thank you so much for your help, honestly it’s really good to get someone to talk to.
p
re: re: re: re: re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
p,
don’t thank me, really, it's no big deal. i’m glad i can help you in some way.
i know it’s scary because you never know how the other’s reaction is gonna be and you actually don’t know if you should say anything in the first place, because you think it’s not that important - but you should tell them because it is. if it’s making you suffer, it’s really important.
i can’t tell you the exact way to go through something like this -because maybe your problem is different that the one i had-, but i can assure you it does get better, it does get easier, you just need to hold on and keep in mind the fact that you’re actually not alone.
it’s gonna be alright, p.
j
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
j,
thanks. you’ve really helped me a lot.
is there anything i could do for you? i’ve really just been dumping my problems at you...
p
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
p,
i'm really happy i helped. it's nice to feel useful for a change, since i'm used to being treated like a burden, so you don't have to thank me.
also, there's nothing wrong about opening up to someone. it's fine, really, don't be sorry just because you talked about your problems. if there's anything else i can do to help, i'll be happy to do it, so don't worry.
i can't think of anything you could do, p, just by being so nice to me you're making me feel a loooot better, i mean, this past few days have been crazy and hard but now i feel better and i think it's thanks to you.
are you gonna talk to someone about that ? do you wanna talk about anything else? because, as i said, i'd be happy to help you.
j
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
j,
i think i’ll send that email tomorrow. once i know i have my head on straight. i dunno.
are you sure there’s nothing i could do for you? i’m glad i’m at least making things better for you on some level.
you’re right, though. talking about it even just a little makes everything better.
p
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
p,
i'm so glad you're gonna do this! it may be hard at the time but it'll make everything better, i promise. just- make sure you tell someone you trust. people who act like they care when they don't, uhm, they can be really mean when you tell them important stuff. but i don't wanna annoy you with my story. if anything happens, you can talk to me and i'll give you any advice i can, but i'm sure everything is gonna be alright.
i really don't think there's anything you could do for me, p, it's fine tho. just make sure you tell me when you do this thing. i wanna hear (or read?) the whole story.
is it okay if i call you peter, by the way? 'p' sounds weird. and you can call me blue. or jo. or 'j'. or- whatever.
i'm glad i kinda convinced you to do this, really.
j
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
it's fine if you call me peter! sorry, i guess old habits die hard, and i just signed the email as a reflex to avoid signing it with my deadname.
i'll let you know as soon as i tell someone, i promise. you're the reason i'm telling anyone, even though i knew i should anyway, and i don't think i could ever repay you for it if this works out okay.
is it weird that i'm going to tell a person i've never met in person and only written letters to before? we've only talked like five or six times, and i've only ever drafted an email. i trust this person, though, is that worse? i mean, i trusted
skipsomeone else and it didn't go so well but i think i can trust this person more.peter
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
jo blue [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
pete,
oh my god i'm smiling so much right now. thanks for letting me help, seriously, i feel really good and i haven't felt good in days. and it will work out okay, so don't worry, just do it (i feel like the guy in that nike commercial).
it's not weird at all! i mean, if you think you trust this person, then go for it. get it out of your system. maybe it's better that you talk to someone that's not like your aunt or your closest friend because they know you so well and they still didn't realize this thing -whatever it is- happened. or maybe they end up thinking you don't trust them and that that's why you were afraid of telling them or something and you don't want that. so, yeah, i think this way is better, don't worry.
yeah, old habits die hard. i'm sorry if i misgendered you in any way, i didn't mean to do that. at all. i know that sucks. you identify yourself as a boy, right? please correct me if i'm wrong. i hate to do that to trans/non-binary people. sorry.
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: um
me [ [email protected] ] June 3, 2012 (4 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
i absolutely identify as a boy, thanks for being so great about it! you're a lot nicer than some people i've known my whole life.
i'm happy that i made you smile, it's always a nice feeling when i get to help someone, even in the smallest way.
i'm glad you think that me emailing my friend is a good idea, i was kind of worried that it wasn't smart to email this person when i don't really know them.
thanks again,
peter
fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
fwd from morgan [ [email protected] ]
jo i think i really messed up because i worried everyone for no reason and i know that mr. stark has some issues and i really didn't mean to make him worry.
>>On Mon, Jun 4, 2012 at 4:28 PM, Peter Parker < [email protected]> wrote:
i'm really sorry i worried mr. stark, it's not important, never mind.
re: fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
hey, pete, calm down. i bet he's just worried because he cares about you! don't worry. it'll be alright, you didn't mess anything up. just remember what i told you, okay? talk to him.
re: re: fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
are you sure?
i guess i just have to wait for the response, but i will tell someone, if not morgan, because i promised you i would.
re: re: re: fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
yes, i'm 100% sure. i mean, i don't know mr. stark (even tho i really hope we're talking about tony stark because oh my god, i admire that man) but he's probably just worried. maybe he knows something's wrong, so why don't you just talk to him about it? would that be so bad?
i'm glad you're keeping the promise. it's gonna be alright, pete.
jo
re: re: re: re: fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
yeah, we're talking about the real tony stark, but i bet he has bigger fish to worry about, so i hope that morgan doesn't bother him with this.
i'll forward you the emails so that you're kept up to date and you can remind me if i forgot to say something or something like that so nothing important gets left out.
peter
re: re: re: re: re: fwd: you said to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
i don't mean to be too loud but YOU'RE NOT BOTHERING ANYONE. they actually care about you. if they didn't care, why would mr. stark (which, by the way, is the coolest person ever) worry about you so much? trust me, pete. i know what it's like to feel that nobody cares, and it sucks. don't do that to yourself.
yeah, he's tony stark and he probably has a lot to do, but he cares about you. and he's worried. and you need to stop thinking you're a burden, okay? because you're not.
oh and, yeah, forward me the emails.
jo
fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
fwd from morgan [ [email protected] ]
okay so i guess i'm telling morgan tomorrow after school.
jo, your words mean a heck of a lot to me, thank you so much.
peter
>>On Mon, Jun 4, 2012 at 4:51 PM, Morgan Beyers <[email protected]> wrote:
Peter,
That sounds like a plan, I'll let Happy know. He'll be there after school to get you.
Please tell your aunt so that she doesn't worry.
Morgan
re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
i'm really glad i can help. i'll be here if you need me.
jo
re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
hey pete, i just now saw the emails you forwarded. i was doing something and i — nevermind.
relax, okay? i know you’re gonna panic when the moment arrives so i need you to breathe and remember it’s gonna get better. don’t panic.
i’m here to help if you need anything, okay?
jo
re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
thank you, jo.
hey, what were you doing? i'm interested in your life, too, remember?
i'll be as relaxed as i can be, thank you so much, you're such a help. honestly.
re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
you’re welcome, pete!
uh, it’s not important. i was just trying to calm down. school is really making my anxiety a lot worse lately so, i don’t know. it just makes me feel bad because if i don’t get good grades i’m gonna end up disappointing my family and i just- i don’t wanna be a disappointment, you know?
anyways, i don’t wanna annoy you.
jo
re: re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo, JO!
you aren't annoying me. i promise.
it sucks that school is making your anxiety worse, can you talk to a councillor about it? i get how terrible it is to have someone else's expectations placed on you, always. can you bring it up with them, either?
i always read math problems when i get anxious, because i find that the numbers always calm me down. how about you?
you'd never be a disappointment to me, i swear it.
peter
re: re: re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
thanks p, this actually means the world to me.
i spoke to my dad about this earlier today, and he said i should take it easy. i guess he’s right, i always panic when my exams are coming up because i feel i’m not enough and that's frustrating. i think i just need to slow down when everything is like too much.
i didn’t know about the math problems thing, that sounds cool! when i get anxious i just close my eyes and say out loud my name, my age, and a couple of thing that i love. i also look at the sky a lot, because i know that, no matter what, it’s still gonna be up there. that really helps.
the thing about anxiety is, sometimes i don’t know how to reach out when i need help. and that sucks. but i’m working on it and i think it’ll eventually get better. i hope so.
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
well i'm glad you're reaching out to someone! and that you were able to tell me, i'm glad you trust me enough to tell me, that made me smile.
getting help is hard, but it looks like you're on the right track, so good on you, jo.
i like what you said about the sky, mind if i use that? sounds like a good thing to have as a backup for math problems.
peter
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
jo [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
pete,
yeah, i guess i’m not that bad. i’m way better than how i was last year so, that’s something. and when you say those things about me reaching out and stuff, it all sounds not so bad.
of course i trust you enough to tell you this! i mean, you trusted me enough to let me help you with your problems so, why wouldn’t i? i’m glad you smiled.
and about the sky thing, you can use it if it helps. and, if you don’t mind, i’ll try the math problems as a backup, too.
i have to go now because today was a looong day and i’m a little tired, but i’ll talk to you tomorrow. goodnight, p
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: fwd: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: you sad to ask you for help if i needed any and now this subject is too long
me [ [email protected] ] June 4, 2012 (3 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
have a good sleep, jo! get some rest, you deserve it.
i'm gonna tuck in pretty soon, too, actually. i'm kind of exhausted.
sweet dreams,
peter
today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
hey p!
how’s your day going? i mean, i know you’re probably gonna freak out any minute now. but hey, today’s the day! and as i could see, that morgan really cares about you, so i’m sure everything will be fine. don’t worry, or try not to worry too much. it’s fine if you’re nervous tho, i get that.
i’m actually proud of you, you know? it took months for me to be convinced to get help when i was— when i had a problem. but here you are! and you’re about to do this and i know it’s hard but i just want you to know that everything is gonna be okay, and that if anything happens you always can talk to me, okay?
have a nice day! <3
jo
re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
you’re right, the day hasn’t even started and i’m already freaking out. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE SCHOOL DAY?
i’m glad that you got help for yourself, even if it took a while to do so! maybe you didn’t have someone as convincing as yourself trying to help you.
my heart just melted, i can’t believe you said you’re proud of me. my uncle and aunt say it all the time but you barely know me and think i’m enough to be proud of.
i hope you have a nice day, too! <3
peter
re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
relax, you’ll be fine! school probably will be really hard today, my friend, i know that. but just relax. you can do this.
i don’t know if i’m that convincing, but i’m glad you think i’m helpful. and, yeah, it took a while but now i have some people who help me a lot so, that’s the good part.
and i obviously am proud of you! whatever your going through it must be a hell and you’re so brave to finally reach out to someone. i don’t need to know you too well to be happy for you.
jo
re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
it's lunch and all i can do is think about what's going to happen
re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
i know, but just- breathe, okay? this isn’t gonna be easy, peter, but you have to get it off your system. i know you can do it, alright? just try to take some deep breaths and it’ll be fine. i promise.
re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
alright, okay. i can do this. i know i can do this.
re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
tell me if there’s anything i can do to help, okay? i’m here if you need me. everything will work out fine.
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
yeah, jo. sure thing. me too, though? if i can do anything for you?
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
i don’t think there’s anything you could do, p, you already helped me a lot, but yeah, i’ll let you know if i need anything. just tell me how it goes asap, okay?
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
i'll tell you right away, i promise.
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
good luck, pete. you’ve got this. <3
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
thank you, jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
hey p, how’s it going? are you okay?
i know you’re probably still talking to morgan. i just wanted to check on you and see if you were fine. please let me know if there’s anything i can do to help you, i know what is like to be in your position and i just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone, okay?
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
so i'm a little worried and i shouldn't be because i don't really know you that well but the fact is that i am worried so please please please talk to me asap, also i had a pretty bad day and i don't want to annoy you with the details but i just need someone to talk to and you're pretty much the only person that doesn't think i'm a burden and i'm sorry if i'm being annoying, i know i can be when i panic, anyways please tell me that you're fine.
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
hi jo,
i’m actually just in the car with happy right now and i haven’t talked to morgan yet.
email me, what happened today? you can tell me about it and i won’t be annoyed, i promise.
i know that i’m not alone, a lot of it is thanks to you, actually.
i’ll be okay. i’m a lot less nervous right now than i normally am, for some reason.
peter
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
i'm sorry, i worried for nothing. i'm really glad you're fine.
today was a bad day, like, one of those days you just feel like everyone and everything is against you. some people said some pretty mean stuff to me earlier today and it hurt like hell, because i'm not used to that. so i panicked. and i started to get this feelings like the sadness and that stuff.
anyways. i just wanted to make them go away, you know, those bad comments, but they kept coming back every time i tried to think about something else. also, my history teacher --who hates me because she's homophobic and i'm bi-- treated me like a piece of shit today and, uh, i'm just tired. i'm sorry, i know i'm probably overwhelming you with my problems and you have a lot on your mind right now.
hey, i'm glad that you're not that nervous. that's great, actually. i hope this email didn't upset you.
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
your email didn't upset me except to make me want to hurt anyone that hurt you.
i know i said i would tell you what happened in the meeting today, but i'm really kind of tired and don't want to talk about it again.
i'll tell you more after i've had a nap.
peter
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
are you okay? i'm so sorry, really, i just- did something happen? did morgan say something or do something wrong? i'm truly sorry, i said all those things about everything getting better when you tell someone and now you feel bad and i'm sorry, i shouldn't have put so much pressure on you to convince you. i hope you're fine.
and that's a very nice thing to say, p. i mean, i don't want you to hurt anyone. they're not worthy and they'll go away eventually. i just have to be strong, i know that.
i'm sorry. again. tell me what happened, if you want to. it's okay if you don't. no pressure. i just- i just wanted to help. i hope that by convincing you into doing this i didn't make everything worse.
jo
re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: today’s the day!
me [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
hey jo,
it's not anything bad. i actually feel lighter after talking about it. it was just exhausting to relive, and emotionally, i'm gonna need a nap. i'm glad you made me tell someone, though. it helped a lot.
peter
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jo [ [email protected] ] June 5, 2012 (2 days ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
oh thank god. i thought i made everything worse.
hey, i totally get it. go rest, you probably had quite a day. i’m glad you did this and i’m glad it helped. go take a nap and eat something.
let me know if there’s anything i can do, okay?
jo
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me [ [email protected] ] June 6, 2012 (1 day ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
you totally didn't make everything worse, i promise.
morgan was really great, actually.
when i was saying what happened, it was kind of tough cause i felt like i was reliving the whole thing, and morgan looked kind of angry so i got scared that i was worrying everyone over nothing and just being a girl about it (not that girls are weak or anything, aunt may proved that for me, but i just kinda was worried i was freaking out over no reason and maybe that kind of thing happens to everyone so i shouldn't have been worried), but apparently the anger wasn't directed towards me at all. so that was cleared up.
i ate some food, because my aunt said so, too. (by the way, morgan said to tell my aunt even if it was going to be hard for me, but i asked to not do it by myself so now i have backup for that conversation.) then i napped, but it was more slept, because i woke up like an hour ago. I DIDN'T DO ANY HOMEWORK AND MY TEACHERS ARE GOING TO YELL AT ME. but it's okay because the conversation i had with morgan made me feel so much better, i honestly don't think anything could bring me down at this point.
there's nothing you can do for me, except keep yourself safe and healthy as well. gosh, i sound like my aunt. BUT PLEASE DO! GET ENOUGH TO EAT, SLEEP LONG HOURS, PRIORITIZE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH OVER SCHOOL AND WORK OR WHATEVER! stay safe, please. talk to people if you need to, you proved to me that it helps a lot.
i don't think i'm really okay, yet. my hands still shake when i leave my house, and i hate walking anywhere by myself now. but i think it's going to get better. i'm going to talk to my therapist, and morgan said we have to involve the police (so that skip can't hurt anyone else, which i totally get, i don't want anyone to get hurt like i did, but it's still kind of scary).
i really hope this isn't one of those "it gets worse before it gets better" scenarios, because i really don't think i could stand that, at all.
anyway,
lots of hugs,
peter
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jo [ [email protected] ] June 6, 2012 (1 day ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
hey,
you have no idea of how happy i am for you right now. i mean, you took a huge step, you know? and now, even if you still have to tell your aunt, you don’t have to do it all alone, so that’s a good thing.
don’t worry about your teachers, it’s good that you slept because you clearly needed to. and i’m glad you ate something, too. to sum up, i’m really happy to know that you feel better.
i know, pete. you’re probably gonna have to take your time until you feel actually good. but you’ll get there, okay? i promise. it will be fine. also, i hope that skip gets what he deserves. i’m sure he will, because with all those people that clearly care about you, i’m sure they’ll do anything to stop him from hurting anyone, ever again.
i’ll be fine, i promise. it’s getting better. i spoke to my mom like an hour ago and i told her everything that’s been happening in the last few weeks. she said that she’ll help me and i’ll get better. so, yeah, i’m kinda glad i talked to her.
i don’t think you’re in one of those scenarios, p. i think it’s only gonna get better and better from now. don’t worry.
jo
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me [ [email protected] ] June 6, 2012 (1 day ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
thank you so much for believing in me. for a little bit, i thought you were the only one. which is irrational, seeing as i have a lovely support system through my aunt and uncle, and morgan and mr. stark, but it really did feel that way.
i'm so glad you talked to your mom! only up from here, right?
i hope i just never have to think about skip ever again. my therapist says that that's an unhealthy coping mechanism, but what can you do? she also said that about how i used to deal with my gender-identity, like how i used to never ever want to think about it because then it might go away and i could still be the "girl" i was "supposed to be". needless to say, that wasn't correct, and i'm so glad i figured it all out, and now i feel so much better in my own skin and whatnot, you probably don't really want to hear more about that, though.
i really do believe it when you say things will get better eventually, even if they never go away completely.
jo, i really miss my mom and dad. and i don't really remember them anymore. i'm not sure what's worse, remembering them and missing them so much my heart will burst, or not remembering my parents who cared so much about me but couldn't stay with me anymore.
sorry this isn't as happy of an email as i was planning for it to be.
peter
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jo [ [email protected] ] June 6, 2012 (1 day ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
you don’t have to thank me. i’ll always believe in you. i believe in most of the people i know, i’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but i sure believe in you. i know you’ll get through this and you’ll be fine, i know you can do this.
i went to a therapist once, i was like ten years old and my parents thought it would be a good idea because of something that happened to me back then and, uh, it didn’t go so well. i mean, she wasn’t a good therapist, because she kept telling me that what happened to me was not that bad. i mean. i know there’s people with much worse problems, but everyone has to deal with something and it’s not fair when someone tells you that what you’re going through is not that bad, because they have no idea.
anyways, i think it’s fine that you don’t think about skip so much. if you keep thinking about that, it’ll consume you, and that’s not good. it sucks, actually, when a problem consumes you. so, i think your therapist is wrong. i mean, i had this problem a few years ago and every time i thought about that it just made me sad and scared and the only way i got over it was not thinking about that. now that the time has passed, it still hurts when i relive it, but i can at least think about it.
i’m glad i talked to my mom, too. she reacted way better than the way i thought she would.
i do want to hear more about that! i mean, whatever you want to tell me, i’ll listen (read) it and i swear i’ll try to help you. you’re not annoying me at all.
p, i think you shouldn’t feel bad because you don’t remember them. i don’t remember my grandma either — i mean, she’s alive but she doesn’t like me that much so, uh, nevermind.
it’s hard when you love someone that’s gone, because you miss them and you think you’ll never have the chance to give them back everything they gave you. but you shouldn’t feel guilty, you know? this isn’t your fault. you should remember your mom and dad as the people that gave you as much love and protection as they could. and they would hate to see that you’re in pain, so you have to be strong, okay? i know you can be. remember them for the good things, and try to stay with that.
it’s okay to not be happy all the time. you can’t be happy, or sad, or angry all the time. you just have to find the balance.
jo
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me [ [email protected] ] June 6, 2012 (1 day ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
gosh, jo.
sorry it took me so long to reply, i can't believe it. i was kind of in a funk earlier.
THAT THERAPIST SOUNDS LIKE SHE SUCKS AT HER JOB! WHAT AN AWFUL THERAPIST! they're supposed to help you heal, not diminish your problems. just like you said, even if other people are having a hard time, doesn't mean that you can't feel down or upset about something else. life isn't the pain olympics, i guess.
okay so when i was like seven years old, i was really into "boy stuff", and i never wanted to do "girl things". my aunt and uncle just thought i was really a tomboy or something, but like i never wanted to be called a girl, ever. i made up my own "boy name", peter, told everyone i knew that it was my name now, and insisted that everyone called me by it. like i used to throw tantrums when my aunt or uncle or teacher or whoever would call me by my birthname i was kind of bratty, actually. (i picked out peter because it started with the same letter and i liked peter pan. don't tell anyone that's why i picked my name, though.) and then i blatantly refused to be called anything other than a boy, pronouns and all. my aunt and uncle started thinking that it was more serious than everyone else thought it was, and took me seriously when i told them i was really a boy.
fast forward about a year and a bit, i'm eight and now all i'm doing is insisting that i'm a girl because i don't want to be different from anyone else, and my theory was that if i didn't think about my gender identity and i kept saying that i was a girl, i would go back to "normal". (ned was my friend through all this, and he just kind of rolled with the punches, really.) my aunt and uncle realized what was going on, i guess parent's intuition or something, and got me to talk to my therapist about it. she figured out what i was doing, and i came clean about how i really felt, and how i just didn't want to be different from anyone else. i got on hormone blockers, and i'm going to start taking testosterone sometime next year. i'm really excited about it (but also kind of worried because T is expensive and i don't want to burden my family
any more than i already haveso basically that's it).anyway, enough of my dramatic life story.
you really made me feel better about my parents, actually.
thanks,
peter
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jo [ [email protected] ] June 7, 2012 (3 hours ago)
to me [ [email protected] ]
peter,
i’m writing this on my way to school tho it’ll probably send when i get home because i have no wifi here.
yeah, she wasn’t the best at the job. i told my parents and i stopped going there, because it was making me feel a lot worse, instead of better. it doesn’t matter that much now, because i know she was wrong, but it wasn’t such a pleasing experience.
it’s really nice that your aunt and uncle took you serious even when you were little. when i was nine i told my mom i liked a girl and she said i was too young to know if i “really liked her”. so i tried to ignore my feelings too, hoping that they’d go away eventually, but they didn’t. so i stopped trying to make them vanish.
hey, it’s great that you’re gonna start taking testosterone! and please don’t think of it as a burden. you deserve to do it and even if it’s expensive i don’t think you’re family sees it as a problem, you know? so, don’t worry.
i’m glad i made you feel better, p. i hope you keep feeling good!
jo
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me [ [email protected] ] June 7, 2012 (49 minutes ago)
to jo [ [email protected] ]
jo,
that sucks about your mom, i can't believe that she'd say that about you! whatever you feel is valid, even if it happens to be a 'phase' or whatever, because you were just figuring yourself out. no shame in that! i'm glad that you know the therapist was wrong, it would be bad if you thought you deserved to be treated that way.
I'm really excited to start taking testosterone, actually. i think it will make me feel way better in my own skin. as it is, i'm gonna need to keep on T for the rest of my life, so that kind of stinks a bit, because that's REALLY expensive. guess i should move to canada or something... i really worry sometimes that my family thinks i'm a burden, even though they've told me i wasn't before. it's just that aunt may and uncle ben never asked for a kid, y'know? why did i have to be dumped on them?
i'm still feeling good, thanks for asking! i hope you're feeling good, too.
peter