Kirk woke up when a hand gently shook his shoulder, but he didn’t want to open his eyes yet. He’d finally gone to sleep after almost two days of coffee and energy drink induced hyperactivity, and he definitely was a little mad at whoever dared to disrupt his beauty sleep. Everybody on set knew they had to leave him alone until he resurfaced on his own after his attempts at the Tony Stark Binge Working Maneuver. He had to recognize he’d come a long way from when he first tried it while filming Iron Man. He’d tried to stay up all night and ended up breaking two coffee machines touching a single button (don’t ask how), stabbing his own hand with a prop screwdriver (definitely don’t ask how), and crashing at three o’clock on the floor of the set hugging a fire extinguisher (he may have been a little drunk, he couldn’t get coffee after all).
This time he’d been productive, at least. He’d spent the night wasting ungodly amounts of money in Candy Crush and making good use of the perfectly functional blender they had on set with dubious recipes, some more edibles than others. Yes, that counted as being productive. He could play a genius engineer, but fortunately his current state of mind was good enough to recognize he really wasn’t one. Had he gotten the role years before, he would have probably electrocuted himself trying to science something he shouldn’t. God knows he had done worse things in the name of extreme method acting.
And after his little night on set, being silently supervised by some assistants or whatever, he’d been filming scenes the whole day until one thirty am. He didn’t have any scenes the next day until late in the afternoon, and he fucking needed sleep. And someone wasn’t respecting that.
“C’mon, it’s almost noon. It’s been ten hours, you never do that. You have us worried.” The shaking intensified, but Kirk wouldn’t budge. If it was noon it meant he still had some hours of peaceful sleep. And besides, he always did that. Why the fuck they wouldn’t let him sleep?
“Go’way.” Kirk would have loved to fall asleep again, but he slowly started becoming aware of his surroundings. He remembered falling sleep on the bed in his trailer with his favourite fluffy blanket, too tired to even try to get under the cover or stripping off his clothes. But he was lying down for sure, not sitting with his face planted on a table, without his blanket. Who the fuck moved him? “Who the…”
“There’s fresh coffee brewing in the kitchen. Your favorite.” The hand finally stopped, but now Kirk was definitely awake, and not happy. His back and neck screamed at him, but he tried to ignore it, not wanting to dwell on it or else he’d have another of his midlife crises. He finally raised his head and opened his eyes, not exactly shocked at finding himself in Tony’s workshop, where he filmed his last scene the day before. Maybe he was just so tired he fell asleep right there, and he’d just dreamt he went to his trailer. Had to be it.
"Why did you have to wake me up?” He asked Chris when he turned around and saw who’d been shaking him. If he wasn’t so groggy he’d probably be a lot harsher. Besides, he liked Chris, he was a good guy.
“I told you, we were worried. You never sleep for so long. And you didn’t even reach the couch.”
“I never… Anyway, Whedon needs me now to shoot? That’s why you came?” Kirk stood up and stretched a little, whole body protesting his choice in sleeping position, especially his chest. Weird.
He needed coffee, urgent. And a cigarette would be great, but unfortunately Tony Stark wasn’t a smoker, and he took his characters seriously. Still his personal signature, thank you very much.
“What are you talking about? Did you drink last night?” Chris was looking at him funny, and Kirk returned the gesture.
“What are you talking about? What is it, did I miss some emergency meeting or something? Please don’t tell me we are being thrown in the woods to film the intro scene guerrilla style. Had a bad experience with that,” he half-joked. Marvel wasn’t stupid enough to do that. Besides, too much CGI needed for it to work.
"Tony, what’s wrong? Did you hurt yourself? JARVIS, did he hurt himself?”
“He did not, Captain. He was just working on his latest project and suddenly fell asleep. He had been awake for forty-two hours and twenty-three minutes before that, so he probably passed out from exhaustion. Vital signs have been and are normal.” Kirk was startled by Bettany’s voice, apparently coming out of nowhere. Those fuckers.
“Okay, guys, real funny. Is this karma? I feel like it’s karma.”
“JARVIS, what is he talking about? Are you sure nothing happened?” Chris was still trying. He really was an excellent actor, Kirk would have sworn the worry on his face and voice was real. Maybe Evans was trying to imitate him, see if method acting worked for him too. He really was doing a great job just now.
“Okay Cap, I understand. Good job, it’s working, but there’s nothing wrong in half-breaking character, believe me. I mean, I love that you’re trying it, I find it the best way to really know the person you gotta play, but don’t overuse it. Don’t lose yourself in the process is what I mean, I know from experience.“ He could spare a little bit of acting advice, he was Kirk Lazarus after all. “Also, Bettany, why are you still JARVIS? You better play Vision instead.”
Chris had a confused expression on his face, but before he or Paul could say anything, Jeremy Renner entered the set through the automatic doors. The fake automatic doors.
“Hey, you coming or what? Bruce won’t let us start eating until you two are up.”
Kirk, completely awake all of a sudden, looked around. Yes, it obviously was Tony’s workshop, but this wasn’t the usual set. There were walls, for starters. What looked like real walls. And no cameras. And, because it was worth noticing again, functional, not fake automatic doors.
“What the fuck?” Kirk said at the same time as Chris’ something’s wrong. “Okay, this has gone too far. I knew I went to my trailer! You fucking moved me while I was asleep to this too real set to fuck with my fucking mind.” Kirk was getting angry. Yes, they might have been friends, but this was not funny. He had almost lost his sanity to acting a few times already, and now that he was finally better, that he went to a fucking therapist and was no longer a problematic violent actor when not filming, his costars tried this shit with him. “I’ll fucking leave the movie, tell Whedon I don’t care about the fucking contract.” Kirk finally dropped the American accent. That’s how disturbed he was.
“Wow, Stark, so many fucks. Also, why are you speaking with a British accent?”
“It’s not British, you fuckwit, you know it’s Australian!” Kirk yelled at Renner, who was still smirking. It had been his idea for sure. He wanted to go to him and deck him, fuck the consequences! “You want a British accent? Here’s your British accent,” he slipped in his Sherlock accent. “With a side of punching!”
Okay, in retrospect he wasn’t proud of his outburst. He put all his forces at throwing his fist, and he felt something break. Renner’s nose, and hopefully not his hand.
Falling into old habits, when fighting paparazzi and the occasional fan was routine, he was already going for a kick in the nuts when he was lifted from the ground. Fucking Chris Evans had picked him up like he weighed nothing.
“Tony, stop! What are you doing, it’s us, your team.”
“Man, that’s dirtier than your usual. What’s going on?” Yes, Renner’s nose was definitely broken, but he didn’t seem even fazed about it. He seemed amused, if something.
“Let me go, motherfucker! I’ll fucking sue you! I’ll…“ Kirk was struggling with all his forces, but Evans’ grip didn’t loosen one bit. He even silenced his mouth with a hand, while with the other arm he circled his torso, locking him against his chest. In other circumstances he would have definitely appreciated it, Evans was undeniably strong and fit. But instead Kirk bit his finger, hard enough to draw blood, even if Evans’ only acknowledgment was a low hiss of pain.
“JARVIS, tell Bruce to come down to the workshop. And to bring a sedative.”
Still struggling in vain, Kirk wondered if it was even real. It sure felt real. Maybe he had gone insane, again. But he was doing so good, no meltdowns since Tropic Thunder. It was unfair.
Kirk was distracted by the not so fake automatic doors opening again. He stopped flailing for a few seconds and saw Mark Ruffalo enter the room, a syringe in hand, pointing at him.
“Please Mark, not you too,” Kirk tried to say, but Evans was still covering his mouth. He bit his finger again in retaliation, but then Mark stabbed him with the syringe and his world went black.
God, what a nightmare. Maybe he should reconsider dropping his techniques, only act when the camera was rolling, because that dream had been horrible. It had to be the sign.
He was lying down, still in his clothes, with a blanket covering him. Good.
“He’s awake.” Kirk frowned, still with his eyes closed. Why was someone in his trailer? He wasn’t in his best mood for starters, the nightmare still fresh on his mind, and now somebody was invading his privacy.
“Get the fuck out of my trailer or…“ Kirk started, forcing the American accent back, but stopped when he opened his eyes. He was not in his trailer, but in a minimalistic bedroom, and Chris Evans and Mark Ruffalo were looming over him.
“Tony, you have to tell us what happened,” Evans said, looking concerned.
So, not a nightmare. Or still dreaming, take your pick. But he refused to believe his costars would do that to him, it was too much. He pinched his forearm, still looking intensely at Chris and Mark.
“Stop, Tony!” Mark took his hand, moving it away from his other arm. It hurt. It fucking hurt.
“Okay, if it’s not a nightmare, then it means you are fucking arseholes!” Kirk spat, and Evans looked ready to restrain him again. Kirk tug his hand away from Mark, hitting his own chest in the backlash, and he froze.
That was a metallic clang. Kirk was suddenly aware of the strange sensation in his chest, the same tightness he’d experienced when he’d woken up before and had attributed to his questionable sleeping positions. He lifted his shirt (from Tony’s wardrobe) and stared at the fucking arc reactor (not a prop) and the ugly scars (not makeup). He felt it, deep in his chest, through his sternum.
“Tony! Tony, please, try to stay calm!” That was Mark, who had taken his arms and was almost on top of him. “Breathe with me.” Mark started breathing deeply, and Kirk instinctively followed him, realizing then he was almost hyperventilating. But then he snapped, and jumped out of the bed. Tony’s bed?
“I-I-I don’t… I mean… Fuck! How?” Kirk couldn’t form any more words. He just stared at Mark and Chris (were they even Mark and Chris?), clasping his chest, the hardness of a real fucking arc reactor under his hand.
“Okay, um, maybe you have amnesia? Or some sort of dissociative personality disorder?” Mark (Bruce? Impossible) raised his arms in a universal ‘I won’t hurt you’ gesture, and took a step towards him. Kirk stepped back. “This, this thing in your chest? It’s okay, it’s keeping you alive. We didn’t do it to you, you’ve had it for years now. It’s a…”
“I know what the fucking arc reactor is! And it’s not supposed to be real! Or in my chest!” Dream or insanity, Kirk didn’t know which one he preferred. He was definitely asking Whedon to just kill off Tony Stark when this was over. “Is this really not a joke? Are you guys really…? Are you…? Captain America and the Hulk?”
“I told you Bruce, he’s not making any sense! We have to call somebody, Fury, Dr. Cho, someone! He could be in danger!”
“I am Kirk Lazarus!”
“Tony, what?”
“No, Chris! Uh, Steve, whatever. If this is a joke I am going to fucking kill you. I’m an actor.”
“So, you’re not Tony…” Mark -Bruce, God help him- at least kept a cool head.
“I just play him in the movies,” Kirk interrupted, still considering whether he should laugh or cry.
“Apparently you play Tony Stark in a movie…”
“Mo-vies,” Kirk emphasized. “Five so far, counting this one. Six, with my cameo in The Incredible Hulk. But you were a different you there, actually, but it’s still canon. Whatever.”
“You play Tony Stark, in a movie franchise…”
“They’re based on comics.”
“And you’re just an Australian actor.”
“Thank you!” Kirk exclaimed, dramatically raising his hands above his head, and almost smiled. Mark -fucking Bruce Banner- looked confused.
“Clint thought he was British, that’s why he punched him in the face,” Captain fucking America had to explain.
“He deserved it.”
“Okay. So, we’ll have to figure out how that happened. You’re obviously here, in Tony’s body, which means Tony’s probably in yours. JARVIS, what was Tony working on when he fell asleep?” Thank God for Bruce. Kirk would have kissed him in that moment if he wasn’t still freaking out. But well, it kinda made sense. In a weird way.
“Sir was working on a quantum field generator powered by…“ As fascinating as hearing Paul Bettany’s disembodied voice was, the science talk quickly confused him. Let them be scientists and fix this, and he would lose his mind quietly on his own.
“You really are not Tony Stark. He would be interrupting the conversation every other sentence with his input.” Kirk didn’t notice Steve reaching his side until he was already pulling him out of the room, while Bruce and JARVIS (God, JARVIS) bounced theories back and forth.
“I feel like you’ve just insulted me.”
“No, I didn’t understand a word they said either. It’s refreshing, actually, seeing you lost too.”
“And you’ve done it again, mate.” This time Kirk found himself smiling, while Steve laughed. He could do it, then. Live at the moment, and then when it would be over he would know if it only had been a dream, or if he’d gone mad, or if it had been real. It didn’t actually matter; he already was paying for the much needed therapist.
Steve led him to a lift, which had no buttons and started moving immediately after they entered and Steve asked for the common floor. Tony Stark, what a pretentious arsehole, with his ultramodern lifts run by a too-close-to-Skynet AI. That’s why he loved him.
“Are you hungry? I know for a fact Tony hasn’t eaten since yesterday’s breakfast, so you must be starving. You missed lunch.” Steve said when the doors opened again, in what seemed to be a huge open concept kitchen and living room area. Renner was there. Oh wait, Clint Barton. How fucked up was that?
“Hey man, are you gonna attack me this time? It’s that my nose has just been fixed, and you throw a mean punch.”
"Well, if you say one more time I’m British, I might.”
“What the hell, Tony? Still with this?”
“Clint, no. It’s not actually Tony. He’s, uhm, what was it again?”
“Kirk Lazarus. Australian actor.” Kirk didn’t know if not being recognized was amusing or depressing. “Six-time Academy Award Winner, actually.” If he was bragging a little, well, it was just the truth.
“Bullshit. No actor has ever won more than four Oscars.” Kirk was being tempted to punch Clint in the face again, but he restrained himself.
“One best supporting actor, four best actor, and one best actress.”
“Yeah, right. Actress.”
“No, it’s true. I was so convincing they made an exception. I’m not lying.” Judging both Steve and Clint’s face, they didn’t believe him. To be fair, a lot of people didn’t believe he’d really been nominated until the gala either. Surprise, bitch.
“If you wanna sit down on the couch, I’ll make you a sandwich. What’s your favorite?” God, Captain America was like the perfect boyfriend. Gorgeous, attentive, and a superhero. If it weren’t because Chris Evans was his friend, he would have probably already jumped on him, because he was getting some vibes.
“Whatever’s fine, I’m not picky. Thank you, Steve. And sorry for biting your finger.”
“No hard feelings.”
“Wait, why do you keep doing this? You know his favorite sandwich, Cap.” Fucking Barton, what an annoying little shit. He understood now Tony’s line ‘he’s still Barton’.
“Look, mate, I don’t care if you don’t believe it, but these are the facts.” Kirk sighed, sitting on the couch next to Clint.
“He’s right, Clint. I mean, there’s no other explanation. Tony was in the lab working on some kind of device when whatever happened, happened. Bruce said something about alternative universes converging, I think.”
“Or maybe I’m just fucking with you, Barton. Found an excuse to punch you,” Kirk said in his American accent, with a Tony Stark signature grin, and enjoyed looking at Barton’s confused face. “No, you bastard, just kidding. Still Kirk Lazarus.”
“Okay, I’m still confused, but I’m going to play along. Tell me about yourself, Captain Kirk. Wait, you have Star Trek in your alternative universe, don’t you?”
“Of course we do, we… That’s a good question, actually. Do my movies exist here? Get me a phone.”
Clint handed him a phone, and Kirk noticed it was a StarkPhone. Pretty similar to an Iphone, actually. “Okay, so, I’ll assume there’s no MCU in this universe.”
“What’s that?”
“Ugh, the movies about all of you.”
“Do I have a solo movie?”
“No, mate. I’m pretty sure the writers kinda hate you, actually. You’re nothing like the comics.” Kirk opened the browser, and googled himself. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing. Just a couple of random guys on Facebook, but not him. He then searched some of his movies, and was surprised to find out they existed, even if the actors had other names and only similar (pretty similar) looks. His roles were always played by some guy named Robert Downey Jr., whoever the fuck he was, but he didn’t even have one Oscar. Couldn’t be as good as him, then.
He also tried to search for some of his friends and costars, but found nobody. Until, “Nice to see Tobey Maguire exists here, too.”
“You mean the guy who played Scorpion-man?”
“Spider-man.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it was a scorpion. A radioactive scorpion stung him and then he started spitting venom out of his hands. Became a superhero and everything, long before superheroes were a thing.”
It made sense Spider-man didn’t exist, since Marvel didn’t either, but still, Scorpion-man?
“Hey Clint, do you have a farm too?” Kirk still found it ridiculous, Clint’s storyline in Age of Ultron, especially because the Clint that was sitting beside him seemed nothing like a family man.
“Clint, a farmer? He would kill all the crops,” Steve interrupted them, putting a plate onto the coffee table. Kirk looked up, smiling in thanks, and tried to grab the sandwich, but a hand stopped him.
“What the fuck, Tony? What do you know about it?” Okay, so Clint still didn’t really believe him. And also, the fucking farm was real in this universe too. Disappointing.
“Not Tony. Kirk.” He shook Clint’s hand away, and went for the sandwich again. God, he really was starving. “So the wife and kids are true, too?”
“Wife and kids? They’re not my…”
“Clint. Do you have a secret wife?” Captain America was shocked, and Kirk realized too late that he shouldn’t have said anything. First, even if they were the same characters, and looked the same as the actors, maybe the events in the movies were different. And Age of Ultron had obviously not happened, at least yet, which made sense, since they were only filming it.
“Tony, you shouldn’t know about this at all! Did Natasha tell you?” Kirk finally took a bite of the sandwich. It was delicious.
“For fuck’s sake, it’s in the script! Or so I’ve been told, I never read it. By the way, Steve, this is the best. Thank you.”
"Clint, he really isn’t Tony. And what’s that about your wife?”
“She’s not my wife!” Clint exclaimed, and even Kirk was surprised. He’d been told it was his wife. Either he’d been lied, there had been a last-minute change, or there really were differences between the two universes. “She’s my sister-in-law. And you’re not supposed to know this!”
“So you’re finally coming clean about Laura? Is this his fault?” Kirk turned his head to the sound, and found Scarlett, or rather, the Black Widow, pointing at him. He was equally terrified and excited about meeting her, but maybe more of the former. “JARVIS told me about you. No offense, but I hope Bruce fixes this soon.”
“Nat, you believe this actor thing?”
“And you don’t? He obviously isn’t Tony.”
“Yeah, Clint,” Kirk taunted, American accent back. “Obviously I’m not Tony. Don’t even know him. Who’s that guy again?”
It took some convincing and a lot of time, but eventually Clint decided to believe him, for real, it seemed. Natasha’s involvement, and then Thor’s, who found them when Steve was trying to restrain Clint the same he’d done with Kirk in the workshop, so he couldn’t retaliate from the whole punching in the face, had actually been the key. Apparently, Clint hadn’t believed a word Steve had said before, thinking it all had been a prank they’d been pulling on him, the irony, as Steve and Tony often did. That side of Captain America wasn’t on the scripts.
To be honest, deep down Kirk still believed this wasn’t real, but he was willing to see where it went. Maybe use it as a chance to understand the characters in a new level, taking it as a spiritual experience and then go back to filming as if nothing had happened. Wait, the filming…
“Are you already searching for Loki’s scepter?” Kirk asked raising his voice. The whole team was there, Bruce had arrived a few minutes earlier, still talking science with JARVIS and occasionally asking Kirk’s opinion (Tony’s, actually) out of habit. He’d been saying he was close to figuring out what Tony did, so it probably wouldn’t be long until they were switched again. But Kirk’s question shut him up, as it did with Clint and Thor, who were in a heated discussion whether they should order pizza or Chinese for dinner.
“Hill and her people are looking into it, but still nothing. We know Hydra has it.” Natasha was the one who answered. “I assume you know where it is.”
“Yeah, well, but that’s not the point. I mean, as far as I knew Clint was a baby daddy, so I’m not exactly sure it’s there.”
“Kirk, where is it?” Steve demanded. All eyes were on him, and even if he generally liked being the center of attention, he couldn’t help but squirm a little, uncomfortable.
“A castle in Italy. Well, no, in Sokovia, I mean. Does Sokovia really exist? Where exactly?”
“Between Belarus, Ukraine and Poland, I think, I haven’t been there in years,” Bruce answered. “It doesn’t exist in your universe?”
“No. Anyway, the scepter is supposed to be there, secret Hydra base and all that. But listen to me.” Maybe he shouldn’t say anything, so the upcoming events wouldn’t change, prevent the whole Butterfly Effect shit. But he didn’t like Age of Ultron, and didn’t want it to happen. Besides, this was probably a really vivid hallucination of meeting the real Avengers, caused by exhaustion or something he might have smoked, so what the hell. He faced Bruce. “Don’t try to do anything with it. Don’t, don’t try to create, or install Ultron, or whatever. Don’t listen to Tony, it will backfire and then you will hate him, and he will hate himself, and the team won’t be a team anymore.”
Okay, yes, he was emotionally involved with Tony Stark. He’d played this character for seven years, come on, he was allowed to.
Nobody said anything. They weren’t even moving, still watching Kirk with confused and concerned faces.
“What does exactly happen in this movie?” Clint broke the silence after a few minutes. Seconds, actually, not even ten, but it felt much longer.
“Nothing good. A domestic Avengers documentary fighting the villain of the week doesn’t make for a good superhero movie. Not aliens, this time, but a fucking murder bot that’s watched Pinocchio too many times.” Had he already mentioned he didn't like Age of Ultron? Because he didn’t.
“Ultron is not supposed to be that. It’s an AI, like JARVIS, that Tony’s been working on for some time, to protect the Earth,” Bruce said, and Kirk sighed.
“I know. But inside Loki’s scepter there’s this thing, an Infinity Stone, and it… Long story short, there’s something sentient in it, planted by the Big Bad, Thanos, who’s supposed to invade Earth in Avengers 3.”
“The Mad Titan plans on invading Midgard?” Okay, at least Thor knew who it was.
“I don’t know. I mean, it’s where the MCU is heading, right from the beginning, but I can’t say it’s gonna happen here. Just, please, when you get the scepter, promise me three things. One: Thor takes it back to Asgard or somewhere else where it will be secured.” Thor nodded. “Two: don't try to study it!” Kirk directed this at Bruce, who agreed reluctantly, and hopefully would convince Tony not to do anything either. “And three: don’t fucking let Tony get the scepter alone. There’s this girl, in the castle, who has weird powers, and she will fuck with his mind, making him more paranoid than he already is. He kinda knows Thanos is coming since New York, and has been trying to warn you.”
He’d filmed the vision scene just the day before, alright. If it had fucked Kirk up, he didn’t want to know what it would do to Tony. Drive him to create an evil AI, apparently.
All were staring at Kirk as if he’d grown another set of eyes, but Natasha was smiling. That had to be a good sign, right?
“Okay, that, that was insightful,” Clint said, clear amusement in his voice.
Well, he’d already opened the bottle. “If it wasn’t clear, I fucking love Tony Stark, so you better treat him as he deserves.” He threatened, “Or I won’t hesitate to come back and punch you on the face again. Punch any of you bastards.”
The little doubt Clint may have still had about him being Kirk Lazarus had completely vanished, since according to the archer, there’s no way Tony ‘I-actually-hate-myself-so-much-you-wouldn’t-believe-it’ Stark could say he deserved better. There had been an awkward silence after this, with the whole team looking at Kirk with a mixture of respect and sadness, although he was pretty sure the sad part (mostly from Steve and, to a degree, Bruce) was directed at Tony, not Kirk.
It wasn’t until Thor proclaimed they would order Chinese tonight, ignoring Clint’s protest, that the tension from the air started evaporating. JARVIS placed the usual order for the team, and asked Kirk about his preference. He surprised everyone but Thor, who apparently had toured all China trying all kinds of traditional dishes, and understood Kirk’s ridiculously over the top request. Thankfully the name Tony Stark pulled even more than Kirk Lazarus, and this was New York, so he hardly had to compromise.
Bruce eventually went down to his lab, to work on whatever device had caused the mishap, and the rest of the team had unanimously decided on watching one of Kirk’s movies, or rather, Robert Downey Jr.’s. Deciding which one to watch was proving a little more difficult, though.
“I can’t believe nobody’s noticed this guy looks just like Tony.” Kirk didn’t particularly care about the discussion at hand. He was examining the DVD cover (actually a hologram, Tony Stark apparently didn’t own DVDs) of Due Date. The composition was all the same, the only differences were both actors looks and names. “What the fuck, if he’s doing my movies he should look like me.”
“But don’t you look like Tony, too, if you play him?
“Well, yeah. But I’m blond and blue-eyed like Captain America here. And actually, Tony in the comics has blue eyes too, but Favreau made me wear contacts. He thinks my eyes look fake.” Clint got closer and fucking poked him in the eye. “What the fuck, mate!”
“You’re not wearing contacts.”
“Yeah, and I got a bloody arc reactor in my chest, that’s obviously not my body!” Kirk tried to hit Clint’s head with the DVD, because he’d promised he wouldn’t punch him again, but the DVD was a hologram. Whatever. “Just put on a movie already. None will be good enough if I’m not really in it.”
At the end, Steve claimed leader’s rights to choose the movie. He almost put on Satan’s Alley when he saw it was a period piece set in 13th century Ireland, but then Natasha smirked knowingly and told him about what exactly happened between Father O’Malley and Brother Brannon. Steve blushed and sputtered some half-excuses, and asked then to watch something else, all while side-eyeing Kirk oh so discreetly. Kirk looked up at Natasha, who was still smirking, watching Steve make a fool of himself while trying to convince everyone (just Kirk, the others ignored him) that he wasn’t a ninety-six-year-old homophobe, he just wanted something different tonight. Cute.
Steve then pointed at Moonshot, mumbling about patriotism and wanting to watch America conquering the moon, but Kirk was quick to ban it (since the incident with the refrigerator, he wasn’t exactly fond of Neil Armstrong or the movie), so he then went for an area of comfort (Nazis, how great), and choose If you could hear what I see.
“Nice, my third Oscar. The sign language was a pain in the arse to learn though.” Clint said something then, signing rapidly and grinning at Kirk. “Yeah, no. German Sign Language, I played a fucking Nazi.” Clint kept smiling, and this time, Kirk understood.
“I asked if you knew ASL. Obviously not.”
“So you’re deaf in this universe? Comic Clint is, but the movies ignored it.” Kirk signed, a bit slower than Clint. It’s been years though, he had an excuse.
“What are you saying, guys?” Steve asked. “Just put on the movie, already.”
“That sucks! Kids need representation!” Clint continued.
“Yeah, I know. But they ignored it, just like they ignore Captain America is gay for Tony Stark.” Clint, and surprisingly Thor, snorted. He understood DGS? How random was that?
“I’m not surprised you noticed. We’ve been trying to set them up on a date for months.”
“They’re both quite oblivious.” Thor said, aloud. Both Steve and Natasha looked annoyed.
“Are you talking about us?” Natasha asked, glaring at Clint, who responded signing something Kirk didn’t recognize (probably ASL). Natasha then smiled, so obviously she’d been clued on their conversation. Steve was still frowning disapprovingly.
“These idiots are blind and in love. You should try to hit on Steve. Make him uncomfortable.” Clint signed to Kirk, changing back to DGS.
“I will.” Kirk promised, and then continued aloud. “Okay, let’s skip this movie, the signing is boring. JARVIS, just put on Satan’s Alley.”
Apparently JARVIS couldn’t ignore a direct command in Tony’s voice, and the movie started immediately after Kirk spoke, lights dimming. Natasha and Clint quickly settled on one of the couches, and Thor claimed another for himself, hogging the huge bowl of almost stale popcorn, considering how long it had taken them to put on a fucking movie.
Kirk slumped down on the only couch left, patting the cushion so Steve would sit down, because he was still standing in the middle of the room looking like he wanted to object. Finally, Steve relented and sat down beside him.
Kirk didn’t particularly care about the movie, since it wasn’t even technically his movie. Yeah, that actor looked eerily like him, especially with Father O’Malley’s blonde hair, but still he couldn’t not notice the slight differences. He’d never been a fan of watching himself act, but that was even worse.
So Kirk discreetly drew Clint’s attention, signing a lone ‘watch’, and stretched out, throwing his legs around the armrest and positioning his head on Steve’s tight, a little higher that he would have done in other circumstances.
“You mind, Cap?” he asked in a low voice, smiling innocently and faking a yawn. Steve mumbled something that could be vaguely interpreted as a no, so Kirk adjusted his position so he could wink at Clint without Steve noticing and faced the TV. But he was so comfortable that he fell asleep before Tobey Maguire even appeared on the screen.
Kirk woke up to someone gently shaking him, so déjà vu. Especially because it was the same someone. He found himself on the couch he’d fallen sleep, still with his head on Captain America’s lap.
Thor was snoring softly, empty bowl of popcorn that he hadn’t shared still in his hands, and Clint also was sleeping on his couch, although Natasha was nowhere to be seen. Steve was sitting uncomfortably upright; he clearly hadn’t moved at all during the movie. Kirk could still feel the tension in his muscles.
He felt a little bad, actually. Yeah, he’d told Clint he would try to make Steve uncomfortable, but that was unfair. He’d been nothing but kind to Kirk since he’d woken up in the workshop, he’d even made him a sandwich, and he’d paid him by biting his finger (twice), insulting him (how many times?), and using Tony’s body to make him uneasy (at least this he only tried once).
“Sorry, mate,” Kirk said, sitting up and freeing Steve. “Didn’t mean to fall sleep.” No, he’d meant to keep trying to embarrass him during the whole movie, which was far worst. Well.
“It’s okay. It’s just that Bruce knows how to bring you back to, you know, your universe. But you can go back to sleep and wait till tomorrow, if you want.” And Steve still had the nerve to look guilty for waking him up. Kirk really was a terrible person sometimes.
“No, no. You need Tony back ASAP. What if there's an emergency? I can't and won't pilot the suit. Let’s go.” Steve helped Kirk get up, and then they silently went for the lift, although it didn’t seem like Thor and Clint were going to wake up anytime soon.
So this dream was coming to an end. Dream, not nightmare, because Kirk had had a good time, even if he’d been asleep (or sedated, whatever) for the most of it. He still wasn’t sure what had really happened, but he wanted to believe it had been real, somehow, and not the product of his wild imagination.
“Did you like the movie?” Kirk asked with a smirk, which proved he was terrible indeed, but he couldn’t help himself.
“Uh, I, yes.” Steve honest to God blushed, looking down, which was funny, Kirk was down there. Steve realized this too, and looked up instead. “I, I might have cried a little,” Steve recognized, making Kirk laugh.
“I’ve heard that before. But I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, with the movie and the whole falling asleep on you. Clint’s fault. Thing is, Steve, they know, even if Tony apparently doesn’t. You should make a move.” Kirk sighed, he usually was better at giving romantic advice, but he was aware how weird it sounded. Tony Stark telling Captain America he should date Tony Stark.
“Uh, what, no, what are you…? I don’t think…“ Ugh, denial, Kirk’s old friend.
“Look, you believed I wasn’t Tony once I explained it, and still, your subconscious didn’t quite get the memo. It’s alright, Steve, nobody’s gonna judge you, this is the 21st century. And Clint said Tony likes you back. So, go for it, I guess, once he’s back.” Kirk felt like a high schooler, caught in the middle of the drama, but it wasn’t a bad thing. He’d take this fanfiction-like drama over the canon Age of Ultron anytime.
“Are, uh, are you sure Tony likes…? That he…?” Baby steps, at least Steve was no longer trying to lie.
“Well, I can’t be sure, cause I haven’t seen him with you. But who would reject that arse?” Steve blushed again, and Kirk smiled. “And Clint says he does.”
“I've been with you all the time, when did Clint told you…? Oh.” Realization crossed Steve’s face. “So that’s what you were signing. I thought you were making fun of me.”
“Well, we kinda were. Of you and Tony.”
The lift stopped then and the doors opened to Tony’s workshop, where Bruce was waiting for them.
“Hey guys. So, I cracked it, I think. Do you want me to explain how this works?” Bruce obviously noticed the look exchanged between Kirk and Steve, because he laughed softly. “Guess not. How about the simplified version?”
“As long as you aren’t using Tony’s definition of simplified, sure.” Steve smiled, but Kirk was pitying him a little. That had to be a common occurrence.
“Okay, so you’re actually Tony, you just think you’re someone else.” Bruce directed at Kirk, and he was taken aback.
“Yeah, no, I’m not Tony, and I’m not crazy. I know who I am. I am Kirk Lazarus.” Oh, boy. Another existential crisis approaching.
“I know, I know. I meant, both the blood and the brain activity match with Tony’s. By all accounts, you should be Tony.” That was not reassuring, neither helpful. Oh God, what if he was stuck in whatever this was? “That’s where the quantum theory comes in. So Tony was trying to entangle carbon molecules to work out their transportation when JARVIS detected a slight spike in the arc reactor’s energy, just before Tony passed out. What happened then is all pure speculation, because quantum transportation works nothing like that, but my guess is that somehow your consciousness and Tony’s were entangled and swapped. Now, that’s really complex and out of our understanding, we don’t have a material grasp of consciousness, but it could be the only explanation. Reed Richards theorized the existence of infinite alternativa universes and how they could be accessed by tears in the fabric of spacetime, but nothing of this sort happened here, there was just the swap.”
“Okay…” Kirk didn’t know whether he should or shouldn’t lose it. Swap of consciousness? Please, let this be a nightmare. “How the fuck are we supposed to swap back?”
Kirk expected Bruce to start another science rambling, maybe not even ‘simplified’ this time, explaining how and why swapping back was actually super easy. What he got instead was a hesitating Bruce Banner that looked exactly the same as when Mark Ruffalo gave away a spoiler for an upcoming film.
“Uh, yeah, that part. I think it’ll work out.”
“You think?” Steve said, crossing his arms. “You’re not sure?” Yeah, Kirk was definitely gonna lose it. Meltdown starting in three…
“The logic thing would be recreating the original conditions, so, inducing the energy spike from the reactor, and then the swap might happen again.”
“That’s your solution? The equivalent of turning it off and on again like a damn computer?”
Meltdown in two…
“I’ve just had a few hours to study it! And it’s worth trying, if it doesn’t work I’ll call Richards, he may know what to do. You know Tony would try it!” Fuck, Steve was starting to get red, and Bruce literally was getting green.
“What if he swaps with someone else in another universe? What if Tony can’t get back?”
“Then we’ll have to find a way! His consciousness has to be somewhere, and I’m sure he’s trying to get back too!”
Meltdown now. Kirk let out a low screech that increased in volume until both Bruce and Steve stopped shouting at each other. Kirk fell down on his knees and brought his hands to his hair, pulling the strands as hard as he could, still yelling incomprehensibly. That couldn’t be happening, he had to get back to his life. He never should have played Tony Stark, he should have tried his luck with Batman instead. Or better yet, he never should have become an actor, he should have stayed in Sydney and study to be a lawyer like his mum always wanted. Fuck.
“Stop! Kirk, stop!” Strong hands grabbed his, working his fingers open and away from his hair. “Stop, we’re going to figure it out!”
“NO! I want to go back, I NEED to go back! I want my fucked up life! I want to retire already!” Kirk screamed, tears rolling down his face and struggling against Steve’s hold, which obviously didn’t work. Kirk then went limp and fell face down to the floor, still ugly crying.
“Why is he so dramatic? It’s stressing me out!” Kirk heard Bruce say. But it should be Mark. And it should be Chris fucking Evans trying to get him off the floor, not Captain fucking America.
“Well, he’s an actor! And you just told him you don’t know if the swapping will work.”
“I’m 88% sure it’ll work!”
“Boys, stop yelling!”
Kirk raised his head up at that, seeing Natasha with her arms crossed over her chest and a disapproving expression on her face. He kept on crying, using Steve’s shock as a chance to roll away from him. He lied on his back, bringing his hands up (not his hands, these were calloused hands, Kirk loved keeping his hands smooth and perfectly manicured) to his face. What a fucking disaster.
“You, get a grip.” Kirk felt a kick to his side, too strong to be considered a jab. That stopped his crying, and moved his hands away to glare at Natasha. “What’s wrong with you?”
Kirk took a deep breath. “My therapist says I have trouble dissociating from the characters I play because deep down I hate myself, and I want to be someone else. It all comes to my daddy telling me I was good for nothing, and that I’d always be the family disappointment.”
“That sounds like Tony, minus the therapist part.” Natasha didn’t look impressed.
“I know. I was born for the role.” Kirk closed his eyes, breathing deeply to try to calm himself down. Natasha’s no bullshit attitude really did wonders. He let out a last sob, and then he wiped his face with his forearm. “Okay, I’m good.”
“What just happened?” Steve asked as Natasha helped Kirk up. Kirk inspired deeply one more time, grounding himself.
“Clint has these types of meltdowns. They’re brief.” Natasha smiled at Kirk, although it made him a bit uneasy. She showed too many teeth.
“Right, can we please try now the turning off and on again?” Kirk wanted to spent a whole day inside his trailer, drinking margaritas and smoking cigars, and forget about all this for a while.
Bruce briefly explained what he was supposed to do. Bruce would turn on the device, and then Kirk would sit in front of it, while JARVIS powered the arc reactor to the same energy levels from the readings. Then the swap was supposed to take place, hopefully, and he would be back on his universe.
“Okay, guys, bye, I hope. It was a pleasure meeting you. Remember what I told you,” Kirk directed that at Steve, who blushed, again. “Tell Clint and Thor I say bye.”
Kirk sat on the same stool he’d woken up, and Bruce moved away from him, going to where Natasha and Steve were waiting at a safe distance. He sat still for a few seconds, nothing happening, but then, just as he was about to ask if JARVIS had already turned the energy up, for a moment he felt like he was free falling, and tried to grab the edge of the table to steady himself, which didn’t work.
“What the fuck!” Kirk exclaimed, a little embarrassed to have fallen in such a ridiculous way in front of an audience. But then he looked around, and almost started crying again, because he was back in his trailer, alone.
He jumped up and ran to the bathroom, breathing in relief as he saw his blue eyes, and the trace of his blonde in the roots of his dyed hair. And, most importantly, there was no fucking arc reactor shoved inside his fucking chest.