a suffering too terrible to name

"Mr. Stark…I don’t feel so good-“

“I…I don’t know what’s happening,” Peter gasps, as if his lungs had stopped working properly.  His face is white, chalky, pupils blown wide in horror. 

It hits Tony like an moon to the back - again - that Peter’s spider senses are going wild, knows that there is danger, knows that death is coming, and he can’t do anything about it - 

“I’m scared, please, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to die, please-"

Peter is shuddering in his arms, so forcefully Tony can feel the vibrations through the suit. 

Peter’s face - so young, so innocent, so pale, so scared - is pressed hard to his shoulder, and together they crumple to the ground, the dusty sand of Titan billowing around them, and Tony can only stare in horror as the Guardians around them slowly vanish into dust - 

“You’re alright kid.  Shh, shh, I got you,” he whispers harshly against Peter’s temple, and he cradles him like a child - like his child - and tries frantically to think through his panic, tries to think of a way to fix this, to protect him  - 

“I don’t want to go,” Peter repeats, his voice high pitched and breaking on the words, and Tony can feel the tears building behind his eyes and he grips him tighter and tighter as if he can just hold him there with him - 

“I have you, I got you, Peter, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, I’m going to fix this, I promise -“ 

Peter stares up at him, fear still making his precious face a heartbreaking picture, but there is something in his eyes - a blind faith, a trust, that Tony had seen in his expressions before whenever he looked to him to fix something, and that is what breaks him - 

Peter dissolves into ash in his arms, still looking at him with a child’s faith, and Tony stares down at his empty arms on this empty planet so far away from their own home, and he looks up at the sky and screams - 

And screams -

And screams 

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Nebula watches as the man with the metal suit screams out his grief to the sky, his bloodied hands grasping at the pile of dirt and ash where the young boy used to be - 

She turns away, everything within her shattered and aching.  

She glares over the skyline.  If it were possible, she would cry, sob, let the grief come out of her in a torrent of tears and wails.  

But she is a product of her own upbringing, and she does not allow herself to crumble.    

Did you grieve like him, father, she thinks bitterly to herself, when you killed Gamora?  Did you mourn your child?  Is it a price you would pay again?

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Tony had told himself that he had no place raising a child.  

So he created his bots.  He had made U and Dum-e and Butterfingers, his precious robot toddlers.  

He made Jarvis, his strong, snarky, intelligent AI that just kept growing and learning and he had been so proud-

He had grieved Jarvis’s “death” as if he were a real, flesh-and-blood child because he had loved Jarvis, had loved him so much and screw anyone who thought he was just a computer program, he was more than that, he had a soul-

Harley had come into his life in a time when he thought his only legacy would be ash and blood and ruin for the people he loved.  The sarcastic, damaged little kid who had looked at Tony and demanded more, demanded better of his hero because he knew Tony could be greater-

Vision has been the child that spring up, a conglomerate of Jarvis, his own coding, Bruce’s work, the soul stone -

Vision had been innocent and pure but he hadn’t needed Tony, didn’t need his protection or love and Tony ignored how much that hurt - 

Peter…Peter was his hyper spider-child, the teenager who was going to change the world, who was going to make it better, the fifteen-year-old who suddenly got super-powers and his first thought was to protect people, to make sure no one lost someone like had lost his Uncle Ben - 

Peter had looked at him with those wide eyes, distraught, and told him I just wanted to be like you -

I wanted you to be better - 

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When Tony was talking to her about having a son - It was so real!  We named him after you eccentric Uncle, what’s his name, Morgan! - Pepper had just smiled and rolled her eyes.  

She wanted to say It is real, you already have a son, have you forgotten?  His name is Peter Parker - 

She had listened to Tony brag about the boy’s achievements, knew that Tony was breathtakingly proud of everything that Peter did. 

Pepper saw Tony slaving over the schematics for the Iron Spider armor, knew that Tony loaded that suit with everything the teenager would need and things he would (hopefully) never need, because Tony did not want to take a single chance with that boy’s life.  

A tracker - 

Because Tony had been lost for months, tortured, unable to be found even though there were those that were desperate to find him - 

A heater - 

Because Tony had dragged his armor behind him in the snow with nothing but a thin tank top to protect him - 

A parachute - 

Because Tony had watched his best-friend be shot out of the sky, had fallen himself, knew the fear of the free-fall with no one there to catch you - 

He had sworn to himself that he would always be there to make sure Peter never hit the ground. 

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Aunt May trusted Tony Stark to keep her nephew safe.  

Because Tony had taken one look at the teenager and had seen that there was no way that Peter was going to give up being Spider Man - 

So he had installed fail-safes, had checked in on him, had told him he was proud of him, had swooped in when things became too much and admitted when he was wrong - 

Aunt May had seen the look in Tony’s eyes when he watched her nephew work, Peter babbling on full speed with pop culture references mixed with science-talk she had never fully understood, and recognized it.

It was the same look that Ben had the first night when Peter had come into their lives.  

He had been such a small child for his age, only four years old, when his parents had dropped him off at their house in the middle of the night, dressed in too-large pajamas, wide eyes watching the hustle around him with fear.  

Peter had clung to them, tiny fingers surprisingly strong for one so small.  He had clutched them, had not made a single noise but gave them the most heart-wrenching looks if they tried to put him down into his own bed - 

Ben had held his nephew in his arms for the entire night that first night, soothing him when nightmares woke him up, reassuring Peter that he was safe, that they would take care of him -

Ben had looked at Peter with that same mix of awe, fear, love, and trepidation.  The look of a man who loved this small soul resting in his arms with everything they had, but was terrified of hurting, of damaging, of not being enough- 

Not because they were afraid of failing at something, but because they were afraid of failing someone.  

So, yes, May Parker trusted Tony Stark with her nephew, because she knew in the marrow of her bones that Tony Stark would rather die than let anything happen to Peter.  

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Forgiveness…can you imagine?

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There was one thing Tony would never forgive Steve for.  

Tony might come to terms with how Steve had buried the shield in his chest, had left him behind in a broken suit and a collapsed rib-cage in the middle of Siberia with no one coming for him - 

But what Tony could never forgive the super-soldier for was that moment when his entire world stopped, when Steve had cut the supports and dropped that jet bridge on the kid - 

He had thought he was going to see Peter be squashed like a literal bug under a boot but thankfully Peter had caught it, had been okay - 

But Tony would never forgive Steve for not pulling his punches with his the kid.  

You could hurt Tony all you goddamn wanted, he would survive, but touch who he loves - 

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Peter had been so young when the Stark Expo came to New York, but he remembered how he had begged his Aunt and his Uncle to let him go, and Uncle Ben had taken the day off of work to take their nephew to the exhibition.  

Because Peter had been too solemn of a child after he had been left behind by his parents, after Richard and Mary Parker were confirmed dead in that airplane crash - 

But Peter…his yes would light up with sheer joy with anything to do with Iron Man, or inventions - 

May and Ben would have bent over backwards, set the world on fire, done anything to make sure that that light did not go out.  

Ben had put Peter on his shoulders so that he could see, had basked in the brightness of his nephew’s smile - 

And Peter donned his little mask and repulsers with the bright blue lights, made the noises as he pretended to fight “the bad guys.”  

He dragged Ben through the exhibition, staring in awe at all the inventions and showcases of tech.  He donned the free shirt that said “Stark Exhibition” proudly. 

When the fighting broke out, Ben had panicked.  With all the running people shoving and jostling, he had lost his grip on Peter’s hand, couldn’t see him, couldn’t drop down on his knees to get to his height without risking being trampled, and he had called out frantically for his nephew - 

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Peter Parker had only been five years old when Tony Stark had gone missing in Afghanistan.  

He had been almost five and a half when Tony Stark came back, had been found and bought back home. 

Tony Stark had been like Peter's mama and daddy, had been gone and thought lost but he had come back - 

Peter had watched in awe as Tony Stark had stood up in front of the cameras, not a hint of shame or fear on his face as he boldly declared I am Iron Man - 

Peter had seen Tony Stark stand between the danger and innocents time and time again, just holding up his hand and stopping everything in its tracks, standing proudly and strongly against everything, saw him get knocked down and get right back up - 

He had been six when the Expo came to New York.  

Peter Parker stood in that parking lot, and saw the Hammer drone turning to him with a weapon primed and loaded - 

Peter stood up in front of the tech, not a hint of shame or fear even as his hand shook and sweat beaded on his face underneath the replica faceplate, held up his hand, stood proudly and strongly - 

If I get knocked down, he had thought quietly, determinedly, to himself, I will get right back up -

And then Iron Man had been there, had landed behind him and shot down the drone with minimal fuss, but had taken the moment to turn to the small child that had shown more bravery than people four times the kid’s age - 

Nice work, kid.

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Did you do it?

Yes.  

What did it cost?

Everything.

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Was it worth it? 

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Thanos had killed his daughter for the soul stone, had traded the person he loved most for a goddamn super-powered rock - 

Tony would have forsaken everythinghe ever wanted, every dream he had for Peter Parker - 

He would have traded the whole fucking universe for his child - 

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If I could spare his life - 

If I could trade his life for mine - 

He'd be standing here right now.

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[coda: approximately fourteen million infinities away]

Peter Parker’s eyes fly open, his mouth full of ashes and dirt - 

He coughs, gasping, his entire body trembling, lungs burning, heart pounding so hard his ribs feel bruised - 

A single name on his lips, his hands grasping for the one who had been there a second before, holding him through his fear and panic - 

Mr. Stark - 

DAD!