The idiocy of one Wade Wilson
“Wade Wilson, I swear to fucking god, you owe me a new Porsche,” Happy said as the 6 walked toward the tower, after the car had been towed away.
“You know that’s never going to happen,” Wade said.
Happy just nodded in acknowledgment, and brought his phone out to scroll through his emails.
“So, Ozzy Osbourne,” Wade said, addressing Harry. “You seen the updated security since Jolly over here became head of Security?”
“Can’t say I have.”
Peter rolled his eyes. “Nothing’s really changed. Only difference is there are now lasers and 3 guns poised over the elevator.”
Harry, Ned and MJ stopped in their tracks.
“When did that happen?” Ned asked, going a step further and actually walking backwards a few paces.
Peter waved his friend off. “Relax, Tony only has them installed to detect Wade. It only shoots him, you’ll be fine.”
Harry looked sceptically between Peter and Wade. “So, how does Wade get into the tower if he’ll be shot at if he tries to enter the elevator?”
“I’m glad you asked,” Wade said. “So, I’ve only ever tried going through the elevator twice- the other times I just got Petey to give me a piggy-back up the windows. So, the first time I just walked into it and got shot and laser-beamed my head off. Not fun. The second time I wore Pete’s suit. That worked until Jarvis registered my height. Then I also got tasered by Tony because Petey’s suit was destroyed.”
Harry’s mouth opened as if to say something, then shut it as he changed his mind.
“Today,” Wade said dramatically as the 6 stood outside the entrance to the Avengers Tower, Happy still looking bored and on his phone, “Today, I am planning on hijacking a plant.”
“What?” Ned said in confusion.
“You heard me, Jacob-Batalon-looking punk. I’m gonna hijack a plant to get through Jarvis’ security.”
Wade proceeded to run at full speed through the entrance hall, up to one of the 4 giant plants that grew in the pots on wheels near the receptionist desk, and tipped all of the dirt onto the floor, holding the plant in. He then stood in the plant pot, arranging the leaves so that you couldn’t see most of his body. You could still clearly see him, because of the whole red-suit thing, but there were no distinguishable features that would cause Jarv to shoot at him.
Happy gave an exasperated sigh. “I’m going to have to update the security again.”
“HEY, PSSSSTTTT,” Wade hissed loudly from his plant disguise. “PUSH ME TOWARD THE ELEVATOR.”
Thank god for wheels, Peter thought as he and his friends pushed the plant into the elevator. Happy disappeared at the first chance he got.
“Holy shit,” Ned squawked. “This is actually working.”
The elevator began to rise as Peter pressed the penthouse button on the elevator’s side.
“HAHA, I AM A GENIUS. TAKE THAT, STARK.”
“I shall tell Mister Stark you said so, Mr Wilson,” Jarvis said from the elevator.
“WAIT SHIT NO-”
“Mister Stark has ordered me to take the elevator back down to the lobby where you will be escorted out of the building, Mr Wilson.”
Peter face-palmed. Of course.
MJ took out her phone as the elevator began to descend, Ned looked he had been caught with his hand in Tony’s dorito packet, and Harry simply looked at Peter with a brow raised.
Wade on the other hand… raised his gun and shot the roof of the elevator in quick succession.
“What the hell are you doing?” Peter shouted at his boyfriend.
“I have a plan!”
The elevator jolted as the mechanisms in the elevator broke, and suddenly the elevator fell into a free-fall.
Everyone apart from MJ screamed- Wade included, despite his so-called ‘plan’.
After a fraction of a second, however, the elevator came to a sudden stop, and the inhabitants of the elevator fell to the floor from the whiplash. Ned was still screaming, though.
“What the hell Wade?”
“Emergency-stop mechanism,” Wade replied, pointing to the gaping hole in the ceiling, where it could clearly be seen that the elevator was clamped to the cables. The pulley mechanism, however, was riddled with bullet holes.
“Stark can’t catch us if the elevator won’t move!”
“You, Wade. Won’t catch you.”
***
“Mister Stark.”
“Yeah, Jarv?”
“It appears that the elevator on the left wing has stopped working.”
“Whadda ya mean?”
“The mechanism has broken.”
“How?”
“Wade Wilson shot it, sir.”
“That fucking- who else’s in the elevator?”
“I count five heat signatures- Peter included among these.”
“Oh, they’ll be fine, then. Now, where did I put-”
“Your Taser’s in the second drawer, sir.”
“Thanks, Jarv.”
***
If Harry hadn’t already known that Peter was Spider-man, getting out of the elevator and onto the second floor away from Deadpool-targeted lasers would have been significantly harder.
As it were, however, matters were simplified as all Peter had to do to get everyone out of the elevator was give them a piggyback and wall-climb 20 or so metres up the side of the elevator shaft- Tony’s ceilings were really high, goddammit- and yank open the elevator doors.
In hindsight, it would have probably been better to climb the extra 50 metres or so to the third floor.
Because waiting for the five kids outside the elevator entrance on the second floor was Tony Stark, his Wade-Wilson-Taser in hand. The dreaded Wade-ser.
Living up to all expectations, Ned began fan-boying at the sight of his hero, and although Harry wasn’t outwardly displaying any signs of strange behaviour, Peter could tell he too was freaking out.
“Shit,” Wade said, grabbing onto MJ and putting the girl in front of him. “Take her! This was her idea!”
Tony looked at Wade from under a stern brow, face obviously seeing past Wade’s shitty lie.
Wade then pointed at Ned, who was too caught in his freaking out to notice the attention on him. The seconds stretched, and Wade, arm still outstretched, said nothing. He kept re-pointing his finger, however, as if the movement itself would bring an idea into his head.
An idea never came.
Wade simply made a run for it.
Peter dragged a hand down his face, and webbed Tony’s taser out of the man’s hand. Throwing it down the empty elevator shaft, Peter grabbed his three friends and his boyfriend, and made his way toward the stairs.
“C’mon, we’re baking cookies with Bucky. He’s the most normal guy here.”
Harry blinked. “He has a metal arm.”
“Your point?”