part 1
“Are you sure we should be doing this?” Peter asked, biting his lip and looking down towards the floor.
“AWWW!” Wade cried. Peter’s head snapped up, and Wade grabbed his cheeks.
“You’re so cute when you’re feeling guilty!” Wade let go of Peter’s cheeks and started skipping towards the desk where the bottles of Asgardian Olive Oil were placed (courtesy of Loki).
They were in the meeting place of the tower, a room near the helicopter pad, allocated for when the emergency alarm went off.
“Wade, don’t you think this is a bit-”
“Can you imagine how painful gay sex would have been before they invented lube?” Wade interrupted, opening the cap off the first bottle and sniffing it.
“What?” Peter said, folding his arms.
“Well,” Wade continued, half ignoring Peter. “Historians believe-”
“Since when did you listen to historians?”
“- that the Greeks were like ‘hmmm, what are we going to do about this?’ So then another Greek was like ‘OLIVES’!” Wade began pouring the Asgardian Oil over the floor near the door.
Peter balked. “Wait, so you’re saying-“
“They used olive oil as lube,” Wade said, grinning maliciously at Peter.
Peter looked horrified at Wade. “I will never look at Olive Oil the same way again.”
“You’re welcome!” Wade sang.
Loki entered room as Peter started gagging.
“What happened here?” Loki said, looking between Wade and Peter.
“Wade just told me that the Greeks used Olive Oil as lube.”
Loki laughed. I wasn’t a small snort, like ‘ha that was funny,’ but the type of laugh where the person was hugging their stomach, threatening to fall on the floor.
Oop, too late. Loki was on the floor. Laughing.
Wade took interest at this. “What?”
Loki could no longer breathe. He was laughing too hard.
“What?” Wade said, extremely interested now.
“You think…. the Greeks… did that?” Loki managed to force out. It was quite a feat.
Loki regained some of his composure (he was able to breathe somewhat normally again.)
“Pfft, mortals,” Loki said, sitting up.
“Do you know how old I am?” Loki asked Peter and Wade.
“Old,” Wade said, walking to get another bottle of oil.
Loki laughed (it was a small one this time). “Yes.” He smirked. “Well, I took pity on their pain, picked an olive tree from Asgard, and gave it to them, with a little hint, of course.”
Peter chocked. “Wait, you mean-”
“I was the Goddess the Greeks called ‘Athena.’”
Wade considered this. “And then I’m guessing that Thor was-”
“Poseidon. And Odin was known as Zeus.”
“Weren’t they brothers?” Wade asked.
“The Greeks got a bit confused in the translation from Asgardian.”
Wade hummed.
“How are you so ok with this?” Peter asked turning to Wade.
Loki stumbled back a bit, and Peter didn’t miss the hurt in his eyes.
“Is it really that hard for you to grasp that I can be a woman?” Loki asked, his expression… different.
Peter realised it was vulnerable.
Peter immediately backtracked. “What?!?!” he cried. “Of course not! I mean about you giving man Olive Oil as lube!”
“Oh,” Loki said, looking down. Peter moved towards him, avoiding the puddle of oil (lube) on the floor.
Peter grasped Loki on the shoulder. The god looked up.
“Look, Loki,” Peter said. “I’m glad you opened up to us, but it doesn’t change anything. Whatever you define as, you’re still Loki and we love you.”
Loki smiled. “Thanks, Little Spider.”
Wade was silent throughout the exchange. “So,” he said. “What pronouns do you prefer?”
“Meh,” Loki said. “Depends on the time period. Right now, I’m he/him, but I will respond to they/them.”
Wade finished dumping the oil on the floor. The entire floor was covered in a layer of it. The desks had all been pushed to the sides of the room, and Wade was currently marking a square in tape on the window that lead outside.
Wade stood, and lifted a hammer, swinging it back.
Peter launched himself at Wade. “NO!” he cried, landing on him and pushing him over. “NOT YET!”
Wade dropped the hammer and rolled over with Peter on his back, squashing him beneath him.
“mmmfffff,” Peter said.
“I can’t hear you Baby-Boy.”
Peter pushed Wade off him. When Wade stood, he attached himself to the other’s side, lifting his legs off the floor so he was hanging off Wade.
“Wow, role reversal much?” Wade said, poking at the limpet that was Peter.
“Don’t do it,” Peter begged.
Wade moaned. “Don’t do that to me, Baby-Boy,” he whined.
Peter intensified the puppy-dog eyes he knew he was doing.
“aaaaargggggg,” Wade moaned, tearing his eyes away from Peter like it physically hurt him, and picked up the hammer (with Peter still attached).
He swung it into the window.
It bounced off.
“Ha!” Peter cried. “Bulletproof glass!”
Wade cocked his head, then angled it so he was looking at Peter, and grinned maliciously.
“No,” Peter said.
Wade opened his mouth.
“Nope. I have a feeling you’re going to-”
Wade covered Peter’s mouth.
“Hee hee hee.”
Wade pried Peter off him and ran out the door before Peter could stop him.
Loki was still leaning against the door.
Peter glared at him. “Couldn’t you have stopped him?”
“Yes,” Loki said. “But why should I have?”
“Because someone’s going to get hurt!” Peter said.
Loki shrugged.
Peter groaned.
Wade came back with a rocket launcher.
“I want,” Loki said as soon as he saw it, reaching for it.
“Nope, this is my baby. No touching,” Wade said.
And fired it at the window.
The window shattered.
“Well,” Peter said. “That worked.”
Wade whooped.
“Let’s begin Phase Two of the prank.”
Phase Two literally consisted of Loki conjuring a giant slide that lead from the window to the street below. They covered that in oil as well.
“I still don’t think this is a good idea,” Peter said.
Bucky, Loki and Wade all shushed him.
“It’s time,” Bucky said.