The intro
The bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Peter rose from his seat and raced to the door, along with the rest of his class. It was a Thursday, so, although it wasn’t the end of the week, there was only one day after until the weekend. The buzz could be felt among all students.
“Before you go, class, I would like to remind you to hand in your permission slips for tomorrow’s field trip!” Mr Harrington called out to the class.
Excited chatter resumed as the students exited the classroom, but Peter visibly slumped.
Sure, it would be nice to go on a field trip. But to his own home? He froze and groaned. Shit.
His Dad was never going to let an opportunity like that pass. Then again, there was the slight chance that he wouldn’t know… But Natasha would. And she would tell him. She would tell everyone.
“What’s up, Parker?” Flash mocked as he brushed passed Peter, causing him to stumble. “Just realised that when we go to the Avengers Tower everyone will realise that stupid internship you’re always going on about is fake? C’mon, Parker, it’s been years. Give it up already!”
Flash continued to smirk as he walked out of the classroom door.
“Is there a problem, Peter?” His teacher asked as he also passed. Peter looked around, realising he was the only one left in the classroom.
“No sir, everything’s great!” Not, he thought.
***
Now, home life is usually mundane. For a child especially. The child would enter the house, parents in the kitchen preparing dinner, perhaps a sibling arriving home from school as well. The child would drop his bag down, and the child would find comfort in the familiarity of the situation, the domesticity of it all.
Unless you were Peter Stark and home was the Avengers Tower and your Dads were superheroes and your siblings were all children in adult bodies.
And the preparation of dinner entailed a food fight.
Peter didn’t announce his presence, just stood in the doorway as Taco ingredients were thrown across the kitchen. He folded his arms, just taking in the situation.
Bruce was the first to notice Peter in the doorway. He shuffled a bit, wiping mince from his cheek. “Hey, kid.”
“Peter’s home!” Clint cried, jumping onto the counter. Nat whacked his shins, causing the archer to fall off said counter and land on a plate.
Said plate smashed.
Peter narrowed his eyes, surveying all of the culprits, then turned to Tony. “Why did you start throwing food?”
Tony squawked. “Well, excuse you, I did not start this.”
“Uh huh,” Peter said, nodding sceptically. “Who provoked you?”
Tony caved, then pointed at Bucky. “He smashed by face into the tomatoes.”
Bucky grumbled, but didn’t object.
“And then I came in!” Clint said, standing up, powdered china from the plate still on his suit.
“And then I got avocado to the face,” Natasha hissed.
“Heh,” Clint said. “Peter’s boyfriend has got an avocado face!”
Bruce rolled his eyes. “You should be nicer to Wade. He’s not that-”
“Yeah! Everyone should be nice to me! Big, mean and green said so!” Another voice called, coming from behind Peter.
“Sir, it appears Mister Wilson has entered the building.” Jarvis’ slightly mechanical voice came over the speakers.
“I take back everything I just said,” Bruce backtracked.
“Why do I have a feeling you had something to do with overriding the ‘Deadpool-is-Bad-and-is-Banned-from-the-Tower’ Protocol?” Tony said, turning to Peter, a look of annoyance on his face.
“Because I did have something to do with it. Duh.” Peter replied.
“You are such a teenager,” Steve said.
Wade, in the time that had elapsed since his arrival, had migrated to the centre of the kitchen.
He coughed. “Ok, so, a) you were going to eat tacos and you didn’t invite me, and b) you had a food fight and didn’t invite me! No one invites me to anything.” Wade paused. “Well,” he considered, “I’m here now, so…”
Wade threw a bowl of diced tomatoes at Clint, and he retaliated by chucking a handful of cheese at the mercenary, but Wade ducked and it ended up hitting Peter. And that just cause a full-fledged food fight… version 2.
When all of the food had been destroyed, and everyone was covered in vegetables, meat, cheese and salsa, Wade waved his hands at the group.
“Shoo. I’m gonna be really nice, and make us all some of Deadpool’s special Tacos!”
“And we can’t stay because…?” Clint trailed off.
“Because,” Deadpool sighed as if it were obvious, “Then you’d know my secret ingredient!”
“You have a secret ingredient? TELL ME!” Natasha screamed as Steve rolled his eyes and said, “You’re offering to make dinner?”
Wade ignored Cap. Peter turned to Natasha, “The secret ingredient is simple really, it’s only-”
“BABY-BOY!” Wade screamed, clamping a gloved hand over Peter’s mouth. “No telling my secrets!” He turned to the rest of the Avengers, “Now shoo!”
“Your manners astound me,” Tony said, exiting the kitchen.
***
A shriek sounded from the kitchen. A very Deadpool-like shriek. Peter sighed, and head into the kitchen.
“Wade, what did you do this time?”
“I maaaaaaay have set the oven on fire. Again.”
“Wade…” Peter sighed, “It’s an oven! It’s designed to be heated up! How on Earth did you manage to set it on fire? For the third time!”
“Ah, but that’s where you’re going wrong Spidey-Boy. It’s not how on Earth, it’s how in the Multiverse!”
“What the actual hell, Wade.”
“I swear I didn’t mean it this time! I only meant it the first time when Iron Dude was being mean.”
“Wade.”
Wade sighed in defeat, “I forgot to take the semi-flammable object out of the oven before I turned it on.”
Peter rolled his eyes, “And you didn’t see it when you put the tacos in the oven?”
“It was hiding. It was being so inconspicuous. It knows Petey.”
“Do I even want to ask?”
“IT KNOWS!”
“What have I told you about storing flammable objects in the oven?” Peter reiterated.
“To only do it when there aren’t tacos at stake.”
“Exactly. How is it that Tacos are always somehow ruined in this household?”
“Well, Petey, when you go into a field to pick flowers, which ones do you pick?”
“The… best ones?”
“Ding ding ding!”
“You’re unbelievable”
“Butcha love meh!”
Peter glared at Wade. Then at the oven.
“Wot.”
“Wade!” Peter laughed, “Dad’s going to kill you!”
“Meh.” Wade dismissed, “I can hide in the vents with Clint.”
“I swear, you’re in the vents more than Clint is in the vents.”
Bucky ran into the kitchen. “WHAZZBURNING WHERREE WHATTFIRREEEEEE?”
He paused, looking at the ruined oven. “Oh.”
Deadpool just waved his arms around the room, as if to say ‘What did you expect.’
Bucky glared at Wade. “I’m hungry and you just ruined dinner.”
Wade squawked as Bucky lunged for Wade, the fire still raging in the oven.
Bucky lifted Wade up over his head and threw him at the oven.
Wade groaned as he rolled off the now-hole-in-the-counter.
Bruce walked into the room, Starkpad in hand. “Hey, Jarv, can you get us some Shwarma from that joint we like?”
“But Tacos,” Bucky moaned.
Peter snorted.
Wade groaned.
“Has anyone seen my quiver? I think I left it by the toasterrrrrr….” Clint trailed off, jaw hanging slightly open at the rapidly decreasing fire, and the Deadpool that was smothering it. And the hole in the counter.
“Oh my god, this is worse than the time Steve tried to play Mario Kart and he broke the TV.”
“That TV was a dud… eerrr… What happened to the oven?” Cap said, as he too entered the kitchen.
“Wade forgot to take out the flammable objects he had stashed in there before turning the oven on,” Peter told his other uncle.
“It was only semi-flammable!” Wade complained.
“What was it?”
“Err…Diesel Fuel?”
“Why did you think to store a highly-flammable liquid in the oven?”
“It’s inconspicuous…It knows.”
Bruce turned to Peter, “Should I ask?”
“No.”
“Tony’s gonna kill you, you know that, right?” Cap said as Wade picked himself off the floor.
Wade waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, he’s working in the lab. I have at least 2 hours before he-”
“WADE WINSTON WILSON!!!”
Wade shrieked and hid behind Peter. Not that that did anything; Wade was clearly visible behind the smaller man’s lean frame. Tony stormed into the kitchen.
“What the fuck happened to the oven?!!!”
Tony took out a Taser from his pocket (that seemed to come out twice a day) and launched himself towards Wade.
“YOU’RE BANNED, WILSON!”
***
Dinner passed like every other dinner with the Avengers (apart from it being Shawarma for dinner, not Tacos, and Wade in his apartment, not at the table). Bucky only broke one fork, Steve only had to stop Tony from strangling Clint once, and Natasha didn’t curse in Russian once. (She cursed twice but that’s unimportant). Until everyone had finished eating. Peter had been tense throughout the course of the meal, and had finally started to relax, when Natasha (of course it was Natasha) announced, “So, Little Spider, I hear you have a field trip tomorrow. Anywhere exciting?”
Tony raised an eyebrow, “Shouldn’t there have been some sort of permission slip to sign?”
Peter waved his hand in a decidedly nonchalant manner, “Yeah, but I just forged your signature.”
While Tony spluttered indignantly and muttered things such as “Multi-billionaire…Trust Issues…Forgeries, ha...”, Cap asked “Where?”
Peter looked down. “Oh, nowhere interesting, just this boring building,” He mumbled.
Natasha smirked.
“What?” Clint urged, seeing Natasha’s Expression. “Nat’s keeping secrets!” He whined.
“Well,” She explained, “It looks like our Little Spider’s coming to Avengers Tower for his field trip tomorrow.”
Tony paused his murmurings and sharply looked towards Peter. His mouth grew into a smirk
Peter knew all too well. Tomorrow was going to be… interesting. He knocked his head against the table in defeat.