Chapter 8
Sam walked out of the room to find their mama. They took a deep breath and tried to will themself to keep walking. This was so surreal. Luckily for them, Carina sat on the sofa, and they could hear machines in the workout room, meaning that they didn’t have to tell both of their parents right now. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust their mom, but they were a little scared after they had heard Maya react angrily to Carina telling her about the self-harm.
They took another deep breath. They really didn’t know how to say this.
They cleared their throat, to let their mama know they had entered the living room.
“Hey, are you two alright?”, Carina asked, before taking in Sam’s solemn face. She saw that they had been crying. What on earth could this be? Had they had a fight with Robin? What was going on?
“Um… well, can you come to my room please?”, they said, trying to avoid the question.
“Y…yes, of course.”, Carina asked, even more confused now. She got up and followed her obviously nervous child.
Robin had stayed on Sam’s bed and gave Sam an encouraging nod as they came back in. Sam sat down next to them again. Carina sat down on a chair opposite them.
She still didn’t know what was going on, but it didn’t seem like there was a problem between the two teenagers.
There was an awkward silence. Carina’s gaze met Robin’s, who immediately looked away again. They didn’t know Carina well yet and they had to admit that they were a little intimidated.
“So… I…”, Sam started, but they didn’t know how to say it. They were starting to panic again. Robin rubbed their back once more.
“I… I’m really sorry but I… you said that you wanted me to tell you and I… I…”, they struggled to say the actual words out loud, “I… self-harmed again.”, Sam didn’t dare to look at their mama once, too scared of the reaction, of the disappointment, the anger.
“Oh Sam. I… I’m glad that you told me.”, Carina said, trying to keep her own emotions in check.
She could only guess that Robin had somehow found out and tried to get them to tell someone. She was really glad about that.
“Can I… may I see it? Just to see if it needs any treatment.”, Carina explained, expecting scratches again, something that she, as a doctor was more than capable of taking care of at home.
Sam nodded, still looking ashamed. Carina had to suppress a gasp when she saw the bloody tissues when Sam pulled up their sleeve.
“Can I take that off?”, Carina asked for permission, even though she was extremely worried about what she was going to find under this.
Sam nodded, holding their breath. No one had seen the cuts yet and they had only seen them when it was still bleeding a few hours ago.
Peeling off the tape hurt a little because it ripped out some hairs on their arm, they remained still though.
Carina had to supress another gasp and she tried to go into doctor mode as she inspected the four deep gashes, that had started bleeding again due to the removal of the tissues. She tried to not think about the tissues being not sterile and how much worse this could get if the cuts were to get infected. She saw that the cuts would definitely need stitches. This was not something she could do at home. She tried to not show how scared and sad she was that her child had done this to themself.
She tried to be practical: She knew that Jo was on shift this evening. Maybe they could avoid the E.R. if Jo was willing to see them; also, Sam knew Jo, so it was probably going to be easier for them. Because she couldn’t imagine treating her own child right now, not with something like this. And she needed to be a mother, not a doctor for them right now.
“Ok, so these are quite deep, they will need a few stitches. I was thinking that I can try to call Jo, so that someone can do it you’re familiar to.”, she said, only now taking in how distraught Sam looked.
She sat next to them on the bed and wrapped them in a hug.
“I’m really proud of you for telling me. And it’s going to be ok, we will find you some help.”, she said.
Help. That was exactly the issue. Sam wasn’t really sure that that is what they wanted. But they didn’t want to disappoint their mama even more.
They had agreed that they wouldn’t tell Maya for now. Carina told Maya that they’d drop off Robin at home.
Carina had already heard back from Jo; she had made a quick phone call and described the situation to her and had told her about Sam’s name and identity – with their permission.
Sam was glad that they didn’t have to deal with their mom’s reaction right now.
Carina asked both of them, whether Sam wanted Robin to stay and whether Robin was willing to, because she could only imagine that it was also a lot for Robin to see Sam go through this and being the first one to find out about it.
Sam really wanted Robin to stay but didn’t want to pressure them, but they said that they’d be happy to stay.
Jo had texted Carina the number of a treatment room, that wasn’t used right now, and she led both Sam and Robin in. They felt a little out of place but could feel that Sam was glad about them being here.
A little later, Jo entered the room with a tray of utensils:
“Hi, Sam. I’m sorry we’re seeing each other under these circumstances. And you must be Robin, right?”
As Jo examined and cleaned the cuts, which clearly stung, Carina was really glad that Jo was the one doing it. She was professional but empathetic. Carina knew her well enough to notice that she was relating to Sam personally, but it wasn’t visible for someone not knowing Jo or her past.
Carina and Robin sat by Sam’s side as Jo carefully injected Sam’s arm with a numbing agent and started placing the stitches.
Carina rubbed Sam’s back throughout the process, letting them know that she was there for them.
A little while later, Jo had finished the treatment and began dressing the wounds:
“So usually, whenever someone comes to the E.R. with a self-injury, we get someone from out psychology department to talk to them…”
Sam inwardly panicked a little hearing that. They didn’t want to talk to anyone, and certainly not to a stranger.
“…but since we know each other, and you’re not technically in the E.R. right now, I can offer you that the two of us can talk and then I can decide if we need you to talk to someone else. Would that be alright, or do you want to talk to a psychologist right away?”
“I… I want to talk to you.”, they mumbled quietly. Of course, they didn’t want to talk to her, but her tone made it clear that this wasn’t a choice really.
Jo nodded and asked Carina and Robin to step outside.
“It’ll be alright, just try to be honest, ok?”, Carina told them, to which Sam nodded.
Jo motioned for Sam to hop down from the gurney and sit down on a chair at a small table. Jo sat down opposite from them. Sam nervously fidgeted with their hands.
“You seem really nervous, do you have any questions before we start?”, she asked.
“Um… like what are you going to be asking me?”, Sam mumbled.
“I’m going to ask you a few things about what led you to self-harm and why you did it. Then I’m going to ask you some general things about your mental health. You don’t have to answer every question if you feel uncomfortable, but I encourage you to be honest. Also, everything that you tell me will stay between us, with a few exceptions; if you something you tell me leads me to believe that you or someone else is in danger, then I am mandated to report it, but other than that I’m not telling anyone anything without your permission.”, she explained.
They nodded, feeling a little relieved that Jo wouldn’t tell their mother about everything they would answer.
“Are you ready to start?”, Jo asked. Sam nodded, taking a deep breath.
“Oh, also I’m going to be taking some notes, but they are just for me to remember. And you can ask to see my notes at any point.”, she added.
“So, when did you self-harm exactly? Can you tell me what happened before?”, she started.
Sam quietly told her everything that had happened before, the fight with their mom, how it had all been too much for them to handle.
Jo listened intently and asked a few additional questions about what had happened at school and had ultimately led to their outing and coming-out. Jo stayed professional but she could see how all of that stress could have led to Sam’s worsening mental health.
“Ok, so you have only self-harmed these two times?”, Jo asked to clarify.
“Yeah, I’ve thought about it for months, but only these two times.”, they admitted.
It felt both wrong and right to share things with somebody. On the one hand, they felt like they needed to keep everything t a secret, because once said, it can’t be taken back. But at the same time, it was so much easier to tell the truth than hiding and making up little lies all the time.
The next few questions were harder though:
“Do you have the urge to hurt yourself right now?”, Jo asked, knowing that the next few questions would be tough.
Sam was caught a little off guard: “Um… not… not really.”
“Can you tell me what you mean by not really?”, Jo probed.
“Um…”, how honest did they want to be? They remembered what their mom said when she had left the room. But what would happen if they told Jo the truth?
“I know it’s not easy, but you can tell me the truth. All I want to do is get you the right help.”, Jo said.
There it was again. Help. In a sense they felt like it would be easier if everyone stopped offering them help.
“Well… I have had urges to self-harm a few times a day recently, but I don’t always do it.”, they admitted.
Jo jotted that down.
“Ok, so what kind of things keep you from self-harming?”, Jo asked, trying to focus on their
resources.
“Um… when I’m with my moms, when I am with Robin… I don’t know when I’m not by myself…”, Sam said, thinking about it.
“Ok, that’s good. Do you think that in the future, when you have the urge to self-harm, you could try to not be alone before self-harming?”, Jo asked.
“I don’t know, maybe.”, they said, not wanting to lie.
“Ok, maybe you can try. So, as far as I understood it, Robin found out about your wounds and then got you to tell your mom?”
“Yeah…”, they admitted.
“Do you think you could try to do that by yourself in future? Because it is important to make sure that you get medical attention to not cause further problems. We can also talk to you mom together and try to find a system that works for you. Some people use a codeword that they text somebody when they’ve self-harmed, or place and item somewhere so you don’t have to tell someone verbally. Do you think we could talk to Carina about this?”, Jo proposed, knowing that it wasn’t the answer to tell someone struggling with self-harm to just stop or shame them.
Sam nodded, not too sure how their mom would react when it would happen repeatedly, but glad that they didn’t have to talk to their mom by themself.
“Ok, I have a few more questions, and I would really like you to be honest about these, ok?”, Jo asked.
Sam agreed, nervous for what was to come.
“Can I ask what you use to self harm?”, Jo asked.
Sam hesitated but answered nonetheless after thinking a little:
“Uh… a razor I got from the bathroom.”, they admitted, feeling ashamed.
“Have you cleaned the razor after using it?”, Jo asked, her voice neutral.
“Uh no.”
“Ok, so you need to keep an eye on your wound. You need to tell your moms if it becomes red or itchy, that means it might be infected.”
Sam nodded.
Jo knew that the next question was going to be hard but chose to ask it: “Is it ok if I tell your moms about the razor so they can remove it when you get home?”
Sam hesitated. They didn’t want to self-harm again but to not have that choice was terrifying. What if they couldn’t cope and needed the pain? What if they were too weak to ask for help? Jo could see the wheels turning in Sam’s head.
“Hey Sam, its ok. You don’t have to tell me and if you do, I can talk you through safer alternatives?”, she informed them, pretty sure that she knew at least one of the things they were debating in their head.
“What alternatives?”
“Well, when some people want to self-harm, they hold an ice cube where they want to hurt themself or they draw on themself with red pen.”, she chose some of the examples.
“Does that work?”, Sam asked sceptically.
“It does help some people; it’s just finding what works for you. I can give some resources with more information if you want.”, Jo answered truthfully, not wanting to give them a pet answer.
“Umm, yeah, maybe I could try.”, they said, still not sure what to make of it.
“Ok, I can also give a copy to your mums so they can help you try some of these alternatives?”, Jo suggested, knowing that someone helping them to try the alternatives helped most people.
Sam agreed.
They sat in silence while Jo caught up on her notes. Sam looked down while having a difficult internal debate about where or not to give up the location of their razor. They knew they couldn’t keep hurting themself, but they didn’t know how else to cope. But they trusted Jo and decided to try what she had suggested:
“It’s in my bedroom drawer.”, they said at last.
“Ok, can I share that with your moms?”, she asked for their permission, proud of them for trying.
Sam nodded, still looking down.
“So, I still need to ask you some more difficult questions. Are we ok to keep going or do you need a break?”, she gave them a choice. The following would determine if they could go home or not.
“We can keep going. I just want this over with.”
“Are you currently thinking about taking your life or harming yourself in that way?”, Jo asked, keeping her tone strictly professional.
“Um… I mean I sometimes think that it would be better if I wasn’t alive…”, Sam felt ashamed saying that out loud.
“Have you made concrete plans or taken any measures to do so?”
“No, no. Definitely not.”
Jo was relieved about the quick response, though she tried to remain impartial.
“Ok, that’s good. I just want you to know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of if at one point you do have these thoughts. It is very important that you tell someone immediately if you do though. If at any point you don’t feel safe, please reach out to someone. Doesn’t matter who, you can also call me if you want to or call an ambulance.”, she assured them, trying to take away the stigma.
“How come you know so much about this?”, Sam asked, the question slipping out before they could stop it.
Jo was a little surprised about the question.
She took a deep breath, while Sam looked at the floor, a little embarrassed to have asked the question.
“A few years ago, I was at a really low point in my life. I don’t know how much you know about this, but I grew up in foster care and when I first became a doctor I was in a very toxic relationship. And a few years after I came to Seattle, the past kind of caught up with me and I fell pretty quickly. And my co-workers and friends got me the help that I needed. I went into inpatient treatment for a while and continued therapy afterwards. I never would have admitted it before, but there are times where you need help.
What I’m trying to say is that while I can’t relate to your specific situation, I can relate to some things. So, if you ever need an adult to talk to, who understands what you’re dealing with, don’t hesitate to call or text me.”
Sam had looked up at Jo as soon as she had started to speak. They hadn’t expected that from Jo, but it did make them feel less alone.
“What do you think about getting therapy? You don’t have to do inpatient treatment if you don’t want to. Outpatient treatment can just be a weekly appointment for one hour.”, she tried to focus back on them.
“Um… I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk to a stranger…”, they said, not quite giving the full reason.
“Yeah, I know it’s not easy, but they won’t be a stranger forever. At first, you can get to know them, you can also ask them questions about themselves, and you don’t have to go with the first therapist you see, if you don’t like them.”, Jo explained.
“Yeah, I can think about it…”, they said, still quite apprehensive. They didn’t feel like they could tell Jo that they didn’t really want help, because she was being so kind and open. They didn’t want to disappoint her.
“Ok, is it alright with you if I invite your mom in so we can talk about some method to implement how to tell her if you self-harm again?”, Jo asked.
Sam nodded.
“Is there anything else you want me to tell your mom or something you want to talk about?”, Jo gave them an opportunity to talk.
“I… I don’t think so.”, they said, not really keen on sharing anything else.
Meanwhile, Carina had sat down with Robin on some chairs nearby the treatment room.
Robin felt very out of place again, not sure what to say or if to say anything to Sam’s mom.
Carina started speaking after a while:
“I’m assuming you found out about it when you started cleaning the kitchen?”, she asked, not wanting to pry and make Robin tell her something that Sam told them in confidence, but she wanted to reconstruct what had happened.
Robin nodded: “Yeah, I saw it when Sam’s sleeve was pulled up while washing the dishes in the sink.”
Carina nodded, not quite able to hide her sadness and fear for her child:
“I don’t know how you got them to tell me, but I honestly thank you for doing that.”, she said, not wanting to unload her problems on her child’s friend but needing to let them know how glad she was.
“You don’t need to thank me. I… I know that it never goes well if these things are kept a secret, it only gets worse in the end…”
This got Carina’s attention; what were they implying? She still didn’t want to pry:
“I know you don’t know us very well yet, but Sam said that it’s not as easy for you to talk to your parents, so if you ever need someone to talk to, you can come to Maya and me.”
Robin was surprised, they hadn’t expected that much kindness from someone they hardly knew.
“T…thank you.”, they stuttered.
They didn’t know whether this meant they could talk to her now, and Carina thought, that they wouldn’t say anything the longer the silence became, but then, Robin started talking quietly:
“I… my old school was very religious, and I wasn’t outed yet, but the school found out about it somehow, maybe I was just behaving too queer, and they said that if I wanted to keep attending that school, I had to go to a “summer camp” over the holidays. And I knew from people in higher grades who had to go, that it’s basically conversion therapy. So, I begged my parents to go to a different school. But now I’m here, it’s only been two days, but the bullying is already so much worse that at my old school.
The teachers are better, but at my old school, there was no bullying in my class because of sexuality or gender identity, it was just something that wasn’t talked about. The teachers were horrible about it, but I feel like at least in my class, the students didn’t really agree with them. And I really don’t know how I’m supposed to stay in that new class, Sam was the only one defending me on Thursday and on Friday…”, they had started crying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this… you’re here for Sam, who…”, they forced out between quiet sobs.
“Shhh, it’s ok”, Carina said engulfing Robin in a gentle hug, “I’m here for you too. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can’t believe people are being so stupida. It’s going to be ok. You can tell me.”, Carina tried to calm them down, heartbroken through how much shit queer teenagers, and especially non-binary and trans youth still had to go through in this day and age.
When they had calmed down, they felt even more embarrassed. “Sorry for…”
“No, stop apologising for having emotions.”, Carina said gently but firmly. Robin nodded.
“Do you want to tell me what happened on Friday?”, she asked.
“Um… after I saw what they did to Sam on Thursday at the end of the school day I was really scared about coming back to school, so I waited in front of the building before going in because I didn’t want to arrive in the classroom before a teacher was there. But I apparently didn’t hide well enough and some people from the class saw me and they… they started shoving me and calling me names and one girl punched me in the stomach and in the ribs. And then they ran away. I came to class late after I had recovered, and the teacher gave me extra tasks for being late which made them really happy. And after the first session I just ran out of the building and then met with Sam at the station… I just couldn’t stay there anymore, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to go back there in two days.”
Carina couldn’t believe that Sam’s former classmates were so horrible. How could kids hate other kids so much just for being themselves?
“Shit, I’m sorry Robin. Have you had someone look at you after they attacked you?”, she asked, the doctor in her kicking in.
“No, but it’s fine…”, Robin said, not having wanted to bother anyone.
“Are you sure? I or Jo or another doctor could have a look at it. I can’t force you to, but does it still hurt?”, she asked.
“Um… yeah it does”, they admitted sheepishly, not wanting to lie to Sam’s mom.
“Do you want me or Jo or anyone else?”, she wanted to give them choices.
“Um, would it be okay if we asked Jo?”, they asked.
“Of course, I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“As for school, I don’t know if Sam talked to you about it yet, but we were thinking about Sam changing schools and we were thinking about an online school. They wanted to ask you if you wanted to switch schools, too.”, Carina proposed.
“Oh, um…”, Robin was a little shocked by that news. How were they supposed to survive at that school without Sam?
“Well, I don’t know if my parents would allow that, I just changed schools and they don’t want me to be home alone all day…”, they replied even though they quite liked the idea.
“We could help with that if you want to. We also don’t want Sam to be by themself all day, so Sam would go to the station and maybe also come to the hospital with me if either of us are working and you would be more than welcome to join. It could be fun to do school together.”
“Wow, that would be really great. I… I still don’t know if my parents would agree, but if Sam is fine with it, too, I’d really like that.”, this was the first time for days that they felt like there was a perspective to where things might get better.
“Yeah, you can talk about it, at if you want help with your parents, Maya and I can talk with them, too. I’m sure they don’t want you to be bullied and maybe it helps if it comes from adults.”, she offered.
Robin nodded and thanked Carina for all of the help and support.
Just then, Jo opened the door and asked Carina to come in to talk about something.
When Carina had sat down as well, Jo asked them:
“Sam, do you want me to talk or do you want to talk?”
Sam shook their head, they felt drained after their conversation with Jo and did not want to repeat it.
Jo nodded and began:
“So Sam disclosed to me that they have been using a razor from the bathroom to self-harm. They have not cleaned it so it may be a good idea to keep an eye on the scars in case they get infected. Sam keeps the razor in their bedroom draw, is it possible for Maya to remove it before you go home?”
“Uh probably, I will need to call her.”, she said, not looking forward to that phone call.
“I have suggested safer alternatives to Sam that they are willing to try, like using ice cubes or a red pen which they are willing to try, I can email you more information about some others.”
Carina nodded.
They were interrupted by some sniffles, both looked at Sam and saw they were becoming distressed. Carina walked over to Sam and brought them into a tight hug and kissed the top of their head.
“I know this is scary, but your mum and I will do everything we can to help you.”, she tried to reassure them.
Carina held Sam tightly until their breathing evened out. They started to lean back so Carina let go of them.
“Better now?”, she asked.
Sam wanted to laugh at that question. They had been feeling terrible ever since they had been outed and it felt like they would never feel better than this. But they already felt like such a burden to their mum, they didn’t have the strength to tell her that, so they gave their usual answer:
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
Carina wasn’t convinced by their answer and carefully watched them.
“There is one other thing I would like to discuss. Sam if you self-harm again or feel like you are going to hurt yourself, what is an easy way for you to ask for help? Maybe a code word you could say or text to your moms?”, Jo asked, trying to finish the conversation as Sam was clearly exhausted.
Sam shrugged; they really didn’t want to think about the next time.
“Maybe you could text us one of those picture symbol things?”, Carina suggested.
“You mean an emoji?”, Sam clarified.
“Si, an emoji.”
“Ok, what emoji should I text you?”, Sam asked.
“It’s up to you.”, Carina said, not wanting to make decisions for them.
Sam shrugged again.
“How about the blue bubble emoji?”, Jo jumped in to help.
Sam shrugged but nodded.
“Does that make it easier?”, Carina asked, trying to figure out if this was something that they actually wanted to try or just what they agreed to reluctantly.
“I guess, I mean texting is easier than talking.”, they agreed, still not sure about this method.
“Ok then, if you need help you can text me or mom a blue bubble emoji?”, she asked to make sure she had gotten it all.
Sam nodded.
“Is there anything else you want to discuss with your mom right now?”, Jo asked.
Sam just shook their head. They were exhausted and wanted to forget this ever happened.
“Is it ok if Robin joins us now?”, Carina asked, not having forgotten about them.
Sam agreed.
Carina then got Robin to join them and with their permission quickly explained what had happened at school on Friday.
She asked them if they wanted Sam and or herself to leave, but they said that they’d be fine with them staying.
Jo examined them carefully by inspecting the bruises and carefully palpating the areas, which was quite painful. Thankfully, the bruises on their abdomen were superficial and they didn’t have any broken ribs, though severely bruised ones. Jo gave them a cream that would help with the pain and the swelling.
They thanked Jo as she rushed off to the obgyn ward because she was paged.
As Jo left the room, Carina's phone rang. She got her phone out and saw that it was her wife. She braced herself before answering.
“Hey, are you guys lost or stuck in traffic?”, Carina heard Maya’s voice, half joking.
“Please don’t be mad.”
“Why? What’s happened Carina?”, she asked panicked.
Carina sighed: “I am at the hospital with Sam and Robin. Sam self-harmed again, Robin somehow got them to tell me and they needed stitches so I called Jo.
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”, she asked in disbelief.
Carina could sense her wife was more hurt than angry.
“I’m sorry bella, Sam didn’t want to tell you and I needed to give them control over the situation. I have had a conversation with Jo and Sam, and I will update you later but first can you do something before we get home?”, she said quickly, needing to finish this phone call, because she, too was more than exhausted.
“Ok”, she heard Maya in a passive aggressive tone. She understood why Maya was hurt but Sam had to be in control and that included deciding when to disclose their self-harm incidents and who they ask for help.
Carina decided to worry about that later and get to the point: “I need you to remove the razors from the bathroom and the razors from Sam bedroom drawer.”
“Is that what they have been using to self-harm?”
“Yes, this is something we discussed with Jo, so Sam knows I am asking you to do this before we go home.”
“Ok, is there anything else I need to put away?”
“Just the razors, we don’t need to lock up every sharp object in the house just yet.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want them to end up in the ER again in a few days because they try to hurt them self again with something more dangerous.”
“I know bambina, but let’s not overwhelm them anymore than they already are. Jo has talked to them about safer alternatives which I will tell you about later. She assured me that in her opinion, they are not a danger to themself right now.”
“Ok, are you coming home now?”
“I will ask Robin if they want a lift home or if they want to continue movie night and I will text you when we are leaving.”
“Ok. Drive safe.
“I will bambina. Ti amo siempre.”
“I love you too.”
Carina hung up and went back into the consultation room.
“So, we could drop you off at home Robin, but we could also still do the movie night if you’re up to it. Maybe some distraction would be good.”, Carina suggested.
The teens agreed.
On their way home, Sam and Carina agreed, that they would start with the movie at home, and she would talk to Maya before they would order pizza. When they got home, Carina could hear Maya rummaging around in the kitchen and Carina became concerned.
“Sam, why don’t you and Robin chose a movie, I will get you some popcorn.”
“Can we rent one off Amazon?”, Sam asked.
“Sure...”, Carina agreed, her mind already going to Maya and the conversation she would have to have now.
Sam and Robin headed to the living room and Carina walked into the kitchen. There was a tool kit on the floor and Maya seemed to be attaching something to a drawer.
“Bambina...”, Carina sighed, when she saw what was going on.
“I cleared this one out and made a sharps drawer, I hope you don’t mind changing the order in the kitchen. Then I remembered I bought this lock about a year ago for the liquor cabinet and never installed it. Do you remember when that was our biggest worry, preventing teenage drinking?”, she chuckled darkly.
Carina could tell her wife was trying not to be angry at the situation. She understood why Maya was angry but also knew she had to protect Sam.
“Maya, stop, please. Leave this and come with me now.”, Carina said in a tone that her wife knew not to argue with. Carina led Maya to their bedroom, and she sat on the bed while Maya paced.
“Maya, I know you are angry, but can you please sit and listen to me.”, Carina pleaded, close to breaking down herself after everything that had been going on in the last few hours.
Maya huffed and sat on the bed next to Carina.
“Jo talked to Sam after fixing up their arm. She said in her opinion they aren’t in any immediate danger, but they are at risk to self-harm again.”, she wiped a tear away thinking about what she’d just said about her own child.
“So when... I mean if they self-harm again they will text either or both of us a blue bubble emoji. That means they are asking for help. Jo also emailed me resources about safer alternatives which I already forwarded to you. Ok?”
Maya just nodded, processing everything Carina had told her. Maya was shocked. Had this all taken a turn for the worse this quickly? Or had Sam suffered in silence before, and they didn’t even notice?
“And again, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you, but Sam was already so scared, and we really needed their arm to be taken care of, so I couldn’t have this conversation with you then.”, she explained.
“No, I… I get it.”, but there was something else going on in Maya’s mind, that simply horrified her.
Carina noticed the shift in her wife: “What are you thinking?”
“Do you know when they self-harmed? I mean, we were with them all night so it must have been after the fight after…”, she started crying angrily, “this means it’s all my fault. I… I caused this; I told the school without their permission and looked for schools and then I screamed their deadname at them…”, Maya uttered, getting more and more worked up.
“No, bambina… Maya stop.”, she said getting louder when her wife didn’t stop. She took Maya’s hands in hers.
“This is not your fault. Hurting themself is the only way they can cope sometimes right now. And yes, we made a mistake by telling the school but that wasn’t just your decision. No matter what, we can’t blame ourselves when they self-harm, we can only try to support them and give them resources so that they can find other ways to cope in the future. Because no matter how much we want them to shield them from all of this, it’s still their decision and we can’t wrap them in cling-film.”
Maya felt deflated. She knew that she wasn’t really to blame, but she was trying to find solutions and blaming herself was the easiest, instead of accepting that her child was in a lot of mental anguish.
Despite all that, she smiled inside about the cling-film.
“It’s bubble wrap. Why would we want to wrap them in cling-film?”, Maya said, needing the levity.
This image was so stupid, that it made Carina chuckle.
“Did you talk to them about therapy yet? I got a reply from one of the trans supportive therapists, but they said that they have a three month long waiting list.”, Maya said, feeling like therapy was now more crucial than before.
Carina sighed: “I did but they only said that they want to think about it. I don’t really know why, maybe they are scared, but we can’t force them. We should both try to carefully find out why they are not really on board with it.”
“I know and I get it, remember how much I resisted therapy initially?”, Maya said.
“True, maybe they just need some time to process before they are ready to open up about it. Speaking of therapy, I think it might be helpful for you to talk to Diane?”, Carina suggested.
“Yeah, I will text her. I can also try to ask her about a therapist for Sam, maybe she knows someone.”
They sat in silence for a while just holding each other. The last few days had been a lot and they hadn’t had much time just to be together and (literally) lean on each other.
“Are you good bambina?”, Carina asked after some time.
“I am now, thanks.”
Carina got up from the bed and pulled her wife with her:
“Come on, we need to go downstairs, we have two hungry teenagers in the house who are expecting pizza and are probably spending all our money on movies on Amazon.”
Maya laughed.
Yeah, let’s go then before they bankrupt us.”
“Are you going to finish putting the lock on the drawer?”
“I’m basically finished. I know you don’t want this, but I can’t bear the thought of Sam ending up back in hospital when we could have done something to prevent it. This is only temporary; I just want them to get better.”, Maya argued, still believing that this was best for Sam.
“I know bella, I know you are only trying to protect them. It is one of the many reasons why I love you. But we need to talk to Sam about this first. We shouldn’t make this decision without them. We should only do this if they think it’s helpful, and as much as we want to keep them safe, there are just some things we can’t protect them from. For now, why don’t you leave the lock on but don’t lock it until we talk to them?”, Carina tried to explain.
“Ok, but can we talk to them tomorrow?”
“We can try. Come on now.”
Carina and Maya went back downstairs and found Sam and Robin debating between the movie “Pride” or starting to watch “Heartstopper” together. Carina ordered them all pizza and cookie dough desert as a treat. For the first time in a while Sam ate all their food with no obvious issues. After dessert, Maya took Robin home while Sam and Carina headed to bed.