Chapter 6
After lunch, the team were called out again, so Sam did their homework while sat with Andy at the front desk. Sam's phone kept buzzing, each message more threatening and hateful than the last. They didn't tell Andy, but she could see the fear in their eyes each time they picked up their phone.
“Sammy, you really need to tell your moms about these messages. They are clearly making you very upset. I can help you tell them if you like?”, Andy urged them.
“What if they get the school involved and it makes it worse? Mrs Summers barely did anything when the class was being horrible to Robin.”
“Your moms would never let you go back to that school if they thought you would be in any danger there. You do not deserve this Sam. You deserve respect and acceptance as a bare minimum.”, Andy reassured them.
Sam felt tears pooling in their eyes.
“You don’t deserve threats and abuse just for being brave enough to be yourself.”,
Andy said and brought Sam into a hug.
When Andy sat back, she promised:
“You have a whole station of badass firefighters who will protect you and have your back. And an Italian mom who is feistier that the rest of us put together. But you have to tell us when people are hurting you so we can all help stop it. Like I said before, none of those messages are true. You deserve to live your life as your beautiful self.”
“You really think telling my moms won’t make it worse?”, Sam asked unsure.
“No, it won’t. They will do everything they can to protect you because they love you so much.”
Andy's reassurances calmed Sam a little. They had been in situations before where their moms got the school involved when they were being bullied and it had made things a lot worse. Having two moms could be difficult at times, but Sam wouldn't trade their moms for the world. They went back to their homework and tried to concentrate on the tasks until their phone went off again.
“Ok, do you want me to take your phone, or do you want to turn it off?”, Andy asked, being done letting her nibbling be harassed like that.
Sam handed their phone to Andy: “But please tell me if Robin texts me.”
“Of course, I will.”
Sam had just finished up their homework despite hardly being able to concentrate when the team came back from their call. Maya walked up to her child and gave them a kiss on the top of their head: “How was your afternoon with Andy?”
“It was ok, I have finished all my homework.”, they tried deflecting.
Maya could see that Sam had been crying and gave Andy a concerned look, seeing through Sam’s words.
“Mama will be here soon, and Travis and Vic are making dinner, do you want to go help them?”, she proposed, trying to speak to Andy without Sam being in earshot.
Before Sam could walk upstairs, Andy tried to give them an opportunity to tell their mom what was going on herself because Andy knew that she wouldn’t be able to lie to Maya, nor did she want to:
“Do you want to talk to your mom about anything?”
Sam's face filled with panic. They knew what Andy was implying but they didn’t want to risk falling apart in their mom’s office right now.
“Can I talk to you and Mamma when we get home?”, they tried to compromise, knowing that it was probably for the best that Andy made sure that they would tell their mom’s eventually.
“Of course you can. Now go help Travis and Vic, make sure whatever they make is edible.”, she joked, trying to bring some levity.
“I’m sure it will be more edible than your cooking.”, they mocked.
Andy started laughing. The lasagna incident was infamous at 19. Maya gave them a stern mom look but secretly she was happy to see her cheeky child was still there inside the terrified shell of a person that Sam had become during the last few weeks.
“Less of the cheek Sammy.”, she scolded them playfully, loving to use their child’s new pet name.
Sam rolled their eyes as they walked away.
“Sorry mom.”, they called over their shoulder nonetheless as they walked upstairs. Just then, Sam’s phone on the desk buzzed again. Andy looked sad as she checked their phone, hoping but not expecting a message from Robin. It wasn’t though.
“Is that what they need to talk to us about?”, Maya gestured to their child’s phone.
Andy nodded: “I want to let them tell you as they have been outed, they need to feel in control, but it’s bad so if they haven't talked to you by Sunday, call me.
“I will, thank you for today.”, Maya said, eternally grateful for Andy’s support for her child. She knew that her support was especially important to Sam because of their close relationship.
“Anything for my ... nibling, is it?”, Andy asked, unsure. She had heard of gender neutral terms to describe familial relationships before, but she wasn’t quite firm yet.
“Yes, I think that’s the correct term.”, Maya agreed.
“Let me guess, you spent all of last night researching everything non-binary?”, Andy teased her.
Maya chuckled: “You know me too well.”
“You have always done that for everything, even before Carina gave birth to them. I remember being stuck outside Grey Sloan with you in an aid car at 4 am and you were obsessively researching the safest crib on your phone. It is one of the many reasons you are a brilliant mom to my nibling Andy said, hugging Maya.
“Thank you, Andy.”, Maya said earnestly. Obsessive and extensive researching had always been something people mocked her for, but she knew that it was helpful sometimes and that the hazing was always well-intended.
“And if any of you need anything, call me.”
“I will.”, Maya promised, knowing that Andy really meant it and that she could always rely on her.
Maya was glad that the entire station was so supportive of her family. She knew that her core family were in for a tough time. Being non-binary wasn't quite accepted by society and trans kids were subject to constant attacks from politicians and the media, not only making their lives unnecessarily painful but arguably putting their lives in danger. Washington wasn't too bad, not many bills had been proposed so far and they were unlikely to become law. Maya already knew how difficult it was navigating life as a queer woman, she couldn't imagine how difficult it would be for an afab (assigned female at birth) enby.
After Sam went to bed the previous night, her and Carina discussed their fears for Sam's future and potential ways they can support them in the face of hatred and discrimination. The sweet moment was interrupted by the phone ringing, so Andy answered the phone and Maya went to finish her paperwork for the shift.
About an hour later, Carina arrived, having finished her shift at Miranda's clinic. She saw Maya in her office and decided to join her:
“Ciao bambina, how is Sam?”
“Hey babe, Sam is upstairs making dinner with Travis and Vic. They decided to come out to the team at lunch and it went really well. I also met Robin.”
“Really?”, Carina asked surprised about both the brave coming out and Robin.
“Yeah, apparently Robin skipped school today and their parents didn’t know so I’m guessing they were having a hard time there today. I told Sam that their parents need to know when Robin is here in future.”
“Oh, that is very worrying.”, Carina agreed, she could guess that with everything what Sam had told them yesterday about their class, it couldn’t be easy.
“Is it safe for them to go back to that school?”, she asked worriedly.
“I don’t know, they do want to talk to us at home about something to do with their phone, but if they don’t, they have talked to Andy and its good they told someone, I guess. The only thing Andy told me is that its bad and to call her if they don’t talk to us by Sunday.
“Oh merda, I hope for their sake it’s not too bad. I just want our baby to be safe and happy.”
Maya moved over to Carina and hugged her.
“I do too, and we will do everything we can to help and protect them.”, Maya said, giving Carina a kiss.
“Andy has been looking after Sam all day while she was on desk duty. They have definitely cried today but they seemed relatively calm at least when I got back from the second call. Why don't you go check on them while I finish up my paperwork?
“Si, i will, how much longer will you be?”, she asked.
“About 15 minutes. Once I finish this I’m done until Monday.”
“Good, I think this weekend might be difficult. I am really worried about saying the wrong thing and hurting them.”, Carina admitted.
“It will be difficult, but we will get through it together. Let’s just stay calm, take this at their pace and let them take the lead, because I can guarantee Sam has more than enough anxiety in their head for the three of us.”
Carina smiled, not at her child’s anxiety, but at where she guessed Maya had that information from:
”Is that what you learnt when you did your midnight googling?”, she chuckled.
“Am I that predictable?”, Maya asked, already knowing the answer.
“Si, don’t be long bella.”, she said, leaving the office.
Carina headed up to the beanery, where she found Sam sat at the island as Vic and Travis made dinner while Travis lectured them both on queer American history. She walked over to Sam and reached for their arm before wrapping her arms around her child.
“Ciao Sam.”, Carina greeted them, feeling that she had missed her child.
She couldn’t help but notice Sam flinching when she touched their arm:
“Did you hurt your arm as well yesterday?”, she asked concerned about having missed it.
“Uh, yeah, I guess, maybe fell on it.”, Sam tried to evade the truth.
In addition, Carina noticed Sam nervously pulling down their sleeve.
She decided not to push the issue at that moment while they were at the station but she would bring it up when they got home. As a doctor she was well aware that LGBT+ kids were a very high risk for mental health issues, including self-harming. She knew the tell-tale signs. She had always promised to herself that she wouldn’t be angry if her child self-harmed, even though it was a hard thing to fathom. But all she would want was to make sure that they were safe, medically speaking and reassure them that they are loved, and they are not alone. The previous night, Maya and Carina had discussed finding a LGBT specialist therapist for Sam. Not to make Sam prove they were in fact trans but to help them learn how to deal with all the shit that comes with being trans in a way that didn't harm them.
Carina went to check her phone but felt them grab her arms. Sam looked up at their mamma and she could see the fear and anxiety in their eyes about their secret being exposed. She squeezed them tighter and gave them a kiss on the top of their head.
During dinner, Sam barely ate, despite encouragement from Andy and Vic. Sam chose to sit in between their moms and both of them picked up on their anxiety. They kept trying to reassure Sam by rubbing their back and placing their hands on their shoulder. After the 8th time Andy had tried to encourage Sam to eat more, Carina could tell they were about to cry so she gave Andy a threatening look. She knew Andy and Vic meant well but Sam was clearly struggling. She whispered to Sam.
“It’s ok if you can’t eat any more, I am proud of you for trying.”, Carina tried to not make food more of an issue, but she hoped that Sam’s eating would normalize after the school situation would be resolved.
Sam didn’t say anything back, just pushed away their plate and leaned on their mamma's shoulder. The day had clearly taken a toll on them and when Maya saw this she knew they needed to get home quickly.
“Guys, I think it’s time for us to head home, Andy can you take over for the rest of the shift?”, Maya said, realizing how far she had come in the last few years, of always putting her family before the job.
“Sure. Ill text you later. And here is Sam's phone.”
“Thanks, great work today team. I will see you guys Monday night.”, she addressed the team.
Carina had already led Sam to the car. Maya quickly grabbed her backpack from her office and jumped in her car to get home as quickly as she could.
When she got home, she saw a pool of puke next to Carina's car. Maya ran in, to find Carina holding a very distressed Sam. Carina was modelling deep breathing, trying to get Sam to copy her as they were hyperventilating, and thankfully it was slowly starting to work. Sam was looked very green still though, so Maya grabbed a bucket from the bathroom before returning to the living room. She sat next to Carina and rubbed Sam's back while Carina reassured them:
“It’s ok. It’s ok. It’s just me and mom. Just breathe.”
After some time, Sam started to calm down. Maya got up and fetched them a glass of water while Carina continued to hold them.
“Do you want to talk to me and mamma now?”, she asked, after sitting back down, “It might make you feel better or we could wait until tomorrow?”, she suggested, trying not to put too much pressure onto them.
Sam just shook their head.
“Do you not want to talk about it now or not want to talk about it at all?”
Sam desperately tried to speak but the words just wouldn’t come out. Carina could see the concentration on their face and was concerned.
“Can you speak Sam?”, she tried to ask gently but saw that Sam interpreted the question differently, because Carina could see Sam was starting to panic.
“It’s totally fine if you can’t.”, she reassured them.
Sam shook their head again.
“That’s ok, we can just ask you yes and no questions, si? I know it is difficult for you to communicate right now but we do need to ask you a few questions.”, Carina told them calmly but with certainty.
Sam nodded.
“So do you want to try to talk about whatever it was tomorrow?”, Carina suggested.
Sam shook their head. They knew they wouldn’t be able to calm down if they didn’t tell their moms now, but they couldn’t talk. They hesitated and then made a phone shape with their hand.
“Do you want your phone?”, Maya asked, trying to read Sam’s gestures.
Sam nodded. Maya took their phone out of her back pocket and handed it to them. Sam simply unlocked their phone, opened the messaging app, and handed it to their moms. Their eyes filled with tears as they saw the look of horror on their moms faces as they read the texts. They desperately hoped that showing them wouldn’t make things worse. Eventually Maya locked the phone and put it on the coffee table, both of them too shocked to speak.
“Those messages are horrible. They are also wrong. You are our wonderful and brilliant child, and we wouldn’t want you to change you for anything. We love you so much Sam.”
Maya wiped away Sam's tears and kissed their forehead.
“You are never going back to that school. Me and your mamma will figure something else out. And if you’re up for it, I think we need to get you a new phone tomorrow.”, Maya said, ever the practical one.
Sam just nodded. For Maya, it was heartbreaking to see how much pain their child was in. She needed a break if she didn’t want to cry in front of her child, knowing it would probably make Sam feel even worse than they already did.
“I… I need to call Andy and make sure the rest of the shift went smoothly. I will be back soon.”, she said, leaving Sam with Carina.
Maya left and headed to her and Carina's bathroom. Carina could tell her wife needed a moment. After making sure no one could hear her, Maya let herself fall apart. She was so angry that anyone could say anything so hurtful to her child, wishing they would kill themself, wishing they would get hurt in many different horrifying ways, threats of all sorts if they returned to school. For simply being themself. They didn’t deserve any of this.
Meanwhile Carina knew that she had to ask Sam some very difficult questions:
“Sam, I want you to know I am not going to be angry; I just want to help you. Do you understand?”
Sam nodded and tears filled their eyes again. They had almost forgotten but immediately knew what their mamma was implying.
“Did you hurt yourself on your arm last night when you saw those messages?”, she asked softly.
Sam didn’t nod or shake their head, they just cried. That was all Carina needed for an answer. Carina held their face and wiped away their tears.
“Hey, Sam, I am not angry with you, its ok. Can I take a look and make sure your arm is ok?”
Sam reluctantly nodded.
“I will be back in a minute, I need to get the first aid kit.”
Carina kissed Sam on the forehead as she sat them back on the sofa before quickly grabbing the first aid kit and a bowl of water from the kitchen. Carina was unsure how to approach this situation, Sam was wearing a baggy hoody which she had learnt from her googling that day was probably due to dysphoria. Sam had already had a brutal day and she didn’t want to contribute to making them feel worse by asking them to take off their hoody but rolling up the sleeve could cause pain and could make it difficult for her to treat the wounds. She decided to give them the choice.
“Sam, do you want to take off your hoody or just roll up your sleeve?”
Sam rolled up their sleeve to show their mamma their attempt to dress their wounds from that morning. Carina removed the dressings and luckily there was no sign of an infection yet, so she started to wash and redress the wounds.
Carina tried her hardest to stay strong, because she knew that Sam needed her to be calm and controlled right now: “I want you to know if you ever feel or think of doing this again, you can come to either me or your mom. Any time of day. We won’t judge you, we will do everything we can to make you feel better. You are not alone Sam. You have a lot of people who love you, including me and your mom. All we want for you is to be happy and safe regardless of who you are.
Sam nodded in reply, though they still felt ashamed and didn’t quite believe that their mamma would not get mad if they did it again.
“Seriously any time. And it doesn’t have to be me or your mom, it can be Andy or Vic or Travis or Jo. Any adult that you trust, OK?”, Carina tried to give them more options.
Sam didn’t respond and looked down. It felt like they didn’t deserve their mama’s kind words. They almost felt likeit would have been easier to be yelled at then to be met with compassion and understanding.
“And if you do hurt yourself again, please tell us. We won’t be angry, we will help you ok? I promise.”
Sam nodded again and yawned. Carina finished dressing Sam’s wounds feeling thankful they weren’t deep enough to require stitches and didn’t seem to be infected. She looked at her child and her heart broke. It was clear they were in so much pain.
“Do you want to sleep with me and your mom tonight?”
Sam considered the offer for a moment. It was tempting but they didn't want to burden their moms any more than they had done that day, so they shook their head.
“OK, well if you want to, you can. I know you haven’t since you were a piccolo, but you can always sleep with me and your mom if that makes you feel better and if you need anything you can wake up me and mom, even if it’s just for a hug.”, she said, trying to take the shame away of asking for help.
Sam nodded and hugged their mamma. They really wanted to accept her offer but they knew their mom was upset and felt they had already caused too much trouble for their moms for one day so they headed to their room.
“Buonanotte, ti amo siempre”, Carina called down the hall. Sam would have started to cry again if they’d had any tears left in them. They laid down on their bed feeling completely drained but their mind wouldn’t let them rest, replaying all the messages and events from the past 24 hours. They opened Netflix on their tablet to distract themself which worked for a while...
After Sam headed to bed, Carina went to check on her wife. She found Maya sat on the bathroom floor. Tears were coming out of her glassy eyes. She looked so hurt. Carina sat next to Maya and wrapped her arms around her.
“How... How can anyone say those things to our beautiful child? Why would anyone want to hurt them or encourage them to kill themself?”
“I don’t know bella. Children can be cruel.”
“Do you… think, they think about...”, Maya couldn’t bring herself to speak those words aloud.
Carina sighed and decided to tell her wife what she had just found out, bracing herself for Maya’s reaction:
“They… they self-harmed last night so we do need to keep an ear on them. I checked their wounds and they aren’t too bad.”
Maya felt her blood boil:
“They did what?! How did I not see this, I was with them all day!”, she started raising her voice.
“Maya, stop, just look at me and breathe bambina.”, Carina pleaded. She knew the last thing Sam needed right now was to hear their mom shouting.
“How can you be calm so calm about this?”, Maya asked incredulously.
“I am not calm right now. I am furious and I am heartbroken. But our child is in pain right now, Maya. And they need our support and love now more than ever. We can’t do that if we lose our cazzo.”
“I can’t believe I didn’t see this, I should have known, I should have talked to them sooner.”, Maya spiralled, starting to blame herself.
“If you had talked to them before they were ready, they would have pushed us away more. You cannot protect Sam from everything, and you cannot blame yourself for this bambina. We cannot change what happened. We can only help them now. That is why we aren’t sending them back to that school and we will change their phone number. We also need to find them a therapist. This is not the last time they will experience transphobia and they need to learn healthy coping mechanisms.”
Maya leaned back into her wife and started to calm down. They held each other in silence for a while longer.
“Do you want to call Diane tomorrow?”, Carina asked, her worry now also extending to her wife.
“Yeah, I think she can give us recommendations for Sam.”
“That’s a good idea bella, but I wasn’t thinking for Sam…”, Carina implied.
“Oh, ok. I guess I can see if she has any appointments next week.”, Maya said, having to agree that today had taken a toll on her, too.
“Good, now let’s sleep, it’s been a long day.
Carina helped Maya get off the floor and both got changed into pyjamas. As they were about to get into bed, they heard footsteps outside of their door.
“Sam?”, Maya walked over and opened the door. Sam stood their looking exhausted.
“Are you ok bubs?”, Maya asked.
Sam leaned into their mom for a hug. Maya held them tight and kissed the top of their head.
“Do you want to sleep with me and mamma tonight?”, Maya suggested, both feeling the need to be close to her child right now and sensing that Sam needed the same.
She felt Sam nod against her chest. Maya guided Sam over to the bed. They curled up under the sheets between their moms. Sam fell asleep quickly, feeling safe, knowing their moms will protect and love them.