Jemma chewed her lip and watched as Enoch stood hunched over cryo-chamber, fiddling with panel. She had caught a glimpse of Fitz through the small window, frozen, unmoving; it made her stomach churn. But he was here, they had found him, and soon she would be back in his arms. It had been over a month since she felt them warm and secure around her. A long, loud hiss snapped her out of her thoughts and brought her attention back to the scene before her.
“The process should be complete in five minutes,” Enoch stated. “He will experience some muscle weakness, and may exhibit sings of disorientation. Shall I leave you all to explain everything to him, or would you like me to?”
“We’ve got it, thanks Enoch,” Daisy nodded at the chronocom. “I think we could just use a little space.”
“Of course,” he nodded. “I’ll begin preparing you rooms journey back to earth. I believe you will all find it more comfortable here than on your ship. And faster as well.” He left the room with a chorus of quiet thanks. And then they waited. Five minutes felt like five hours until the chamber finally opened with another loud hiss. Jemma watched with relief as Fitz struggled to sit up, and rushed forward as he started fall.
“Careful,” she soothed taking in the luxury of running her fingers through his curls once again. "Go slow, your body needs time readjust.”
“Jemma?” He asked softly. “Is it really you?”
“Yeah,” she smiled. “It’s me Fitz.” She lifted her left hand up to cup his cheek, God she had missed him so much. But her hand never made it to it's destination; Fitz had stopped her before she could make contact, his gaze fixed on her wedding ring. “Fitz,” Jemma could see the gears turning in his head and wanted stop him, reassure him, before his thoughts spiraled out.
“You, uh,” he stuttered. “You got married?”
“Come on Turbo,” Mack stepped forward and placed a warm hand on both of their shoulders. Fitz’s eyes darted up, only now realizing there were others in room with them. “We’ve got a lot to catch you up on.”
*
Fitz pulled blanket Elena draped around him tighter over his shoulders. He couldn’t believe it. It was impossible, but it wasn’t, it had happened; he had done it. He found them, they made it home, they saved the world, and he had died. He had died but here he was, a little stiff, a little cold, and with no memory at all of the things he had done. Because of course he hadn’t done them, not really.
“Fitz,” Jemma called softly. “Say something, please.”
He looked at her, her warm brown eyes wide with concern, but also shining with happiness and relief. He looked away. God what she had been through, what he had put her through. He’d hurt her, again. He’d hurt all of them, again.
“Fitz,” she reached for him, but he stood up before she could. He couldn’t bear to feel her touch, not now, he didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve her.
“I think…I think I, uh,” he began, but he didn’t know what to think.
“Maybe we should start with something simple,” Mack offered. “You really should have a full medical check, to make sure there aren’t any deficits from being pulled out of cryo early. You feel up to that?”
“Yeah,” Fitz nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” It was mindless; he could do mindless, he needed mindless.
“Ok,” Jemma stood. “Let’s go to the zephyr, I’ll do a—”
“No,” he cut her off. “No, I um, I, is there, I need, I need someone else.” He flinched as the words left his mouth, but it was true. He just couldn’t right now, not with her. He watched as Jemma swallowed hard, her bottom lip pressed tight her teeth. She was upset and trying to hide it but he knew her, he could see it. He knew that what he said would hurt her but it was just too much right now.
“Piper,” Mack said. “She’s been working on her medical certification, she can handle it. I’ll radio up to the zephyr and have her meet you.”
Fitz nodded, and left for ship docked on the upper deck, not able meet Jemma’s eye as he did.
*
Jemma tucked her chin down to her chest as they watched Fitz leave the common room. It had been hard, telling him everything that had happened, far harder than she thought it would be. She watched as he grew more and more pale as he was told everything that that they had been through while trying to break the loop, trying to save the world, trying to save Coulson. He looked ready to vomit when Mack told him about his mental break and what had transpired between him and Daisy. She had thought that news of their marriage would have brightened him up, but he couldn’t even look at her, he just closed off even more. God what must be going through his mind; had he felt like she’s been unfaithful? Had she been? No of course not, but it would be understandable if he felt that way, wouldn’t it?
“Time travel sucks,” Daisy piped up as door slid closed behind Fitz.
“Yeah,” they all agreed.
“Are you alright, Jemma?” Elena asked as she sat down next to her and placed an arm around her. “That couldn’t have been easy for you.”
Jemma took sharp breath, and plastered a wide smile on her face. “It’s fine,” she nodded. “I’m fine. We got him back, he’s alive, that’s what matters.”
“Jemma,” Mack started.
“I’m fine,” she insisted sharply. “I’m going to go find one of the bunks and call it a day; it’s been a long journey, we should all get some sleep.” With that she rushed out of the room, not wanting them see her tears as they cascaded down her cheeks. How could things have gone so wrong?
*
Fitz sighed as he slid off of the exam table. The check up had gone smoothly, he needed some food, water and ironically some sleep and he would be fine. Physically speaking he was the picture of health, mentally though he wasn’t so sure. He had, had a psychotic break after all, or was it had will had have? Who the hell cared? He fisted his hands in his hair and groaned, kicking the metal medical tray as hard as he could, sending it and the impliments, scattering to the ground with a resounding clang. This was insane, but he wasn’t, sure he had a little voice in the back of his head, but that was just an expression. It was his self doubts, his anxieties battering around in his mind. That's all it was, that's all it would ever be, right?
“We’ll keep an eye on things,” Piped had said as she typed the results onto a tablet. “You aren’t exhibiting any signs of schizophrenia, or any other dissociative disorders right now, but I do think we should consult with a psychiatric specialist when we get home. It would probably do us all some good.”
Yeah, he thought bitterly. Yeah it would be good to have a professional say he needed to be committed, then the rest of the team wouldn’t have to worry about him snapping, again apparently, and would feel no guilt about making that choice themselves. He kicked the fallen table again and again relishing in the harsh sounds it made.
“What did that poor table ever do to you?” a voice came from doorway. He looked up and saw Daisy leaning there, cool as could be. “How ya doing Fitz?”
“How do you think?”
Daisy just gave a small smile and gestured head down the hall, signalling him to follow. Fitz fell in step behind her as she led them down to the zephyr’s cargo hold and over to where a punching bag hung. “Hit it,” Daisy commanded.
“Daisy,” he groaned.
“Pretend it’s that table or something just hit the damn bag Fitz, you’ll feel better.” Fitz punched the stuffed cylinder, half-heartedly. “Come on,” she encouraged. “You’ve had a day and a half, I can’t imagine what it must be like to hear all this. To hear that-”
“That I performed a complex, dangerous surgery on you, with no anaesthesia, without your consent, while in the throws of a psychotic break?” He offered and swung at the bag again, harder this time.
“Yah,” she nodded and stood behind the bag bracing it. “What else?”
“To hear that Coulson is dying and I won’t even get to say good bye to him? That he'll likely be dead by the time we get back?” Punch.
“Good.”
“To hear that I have a grandson. One I’ll never meet because who knows what’s going to happen in this time line?” Bam.
“That I married the woman I love more than anything, and won’t ever remember it?”
Whap, whop.
“That I died.” punch, whump, thud.
He sunk to ground with a strangled sob, Daisy came over and knelt down beside him. “I can’t even imagine what your feeling right now Fitz,” she placed a hand on his back as he gasped for breath. “Everything we told you, a part of me wonders if we should have just left it alone.”
“I can’t imagine what you went through,” he choked. “Daisy I am so sorry, I never, I didn’t…”
“I know,” she wrapped arms around him, and pulled him into a tight hug. “I know you didn’t. I know he didn’t. It’s alright. It’s ok now.”
“How can you even look at me?” He sobbed.
“I was worried,” she confessed. “That I’d be angry when we got you back, that it would just all come rushing back at me. Everything between us was so tense, and I was so angry about it all. But then you died. My best friend, my brother, died, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I didn't get a chance to even try and forgive you and until we realized that you were still out there, frozen, waiting, I wanted nothing more than that chance. Then when Jemma told us, when we understood we could get you back, I knew I wanted to forgive and I hoped I’d be able to. And I do, forgive you. I’ve missed you so, so much.”
Fitz wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, wrapped up in each other’s arms, clinging to each other, before they broke apart and just sat in silence against hull of plane. But it felt good, it was a chunk of the weight that had been sitting on his chest gone. But it still stung, thinking about what had transpired between them, but they strong, they would make it.
“So what are you going to do now?” Daisy asked.
“I have no idea,” he answered honestly. “I don’t know what there is to do. Do you have any idea what it’s like to be hate yourself for things that you did but also didn’t do? To be jealous of yourself for doing the things you wish you did?”
“Time travel sucks,” Daisy rested her head on his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Fitz echoed and leaned his head against hers. “Yeah it does.”
*
Jemma walked back common room not long after she had fled for the bunks. Sleep had eluded her, and after a couple of hours of tossing and turning she gave it up as a lost cause. At least Enoch had been right. It was far more comfortable on his ship than zephyr, and she was thankful for it. They weren’t on top of each other here; it was easier to sneak away for some quiet without worrying about waking someone with her footsteps. Some tea, that’s what she needed, she was sure she’d seen some earlier mixed in with Enoch’s eclectic collection of earth and alien staples in the kitchen.
“I thought you said we all needed to rest?” a deep voice sounded as soon as she entered the kitchen. Jemma jumped a little in shock and looked to see Mack sitting at the table, a cup cradled in his large hands.
“We do,” she confirmed, her heartbeat slowing as she found the kettle and filled it with water. “But I can’t, so tea. It makes everything better.”
“It’s been quite a day, huh?” Mack asked as he rose to stand beside her. “I’ve got to admit, I was not expecting him to react like that.” Jemma bit her lip and pulled a mug down from the cupboard, she hadn’t either. “Have you read Piper’s report?”
“Yes,” she nodded. “It’s good that he’s not exhibiting any signs of psychosis, it means that what happened was likely a one time thing. The combination of his previous brain injury, a new head injury and all the stress he was under, it’s amazing he didn’t break sooner. But I agree with her assessment that we should bring in a psychiatrist, to make certain, and to aid in any preventative measure we can take to safe guard against something similar happening to him.”
“I agree,” he sighed. “It’s just a relief, I don’t know how much more he can take right now, you know?”
“Yeah,” she agreed as the kettle dinged.
“So what were you expecting?” He continued as Jemma poured the water and headed over to the near by couch. “When we found him?”
“I don’t know really, I don’t think I had any expectations.”
“Come on,” he raised an eyebrow.
“I mean it. I just wanted to find him and we did. And now I just want Fitz. I want to hold him in my arms and tell him,” she trailed off with a blush, this was a much deeper conversation than she usually had with Mack. But at his soft smile she continued. “And tell him how much I love him. All of him, all of the Fitzes that have and will ever exist. But I’m not sure he’d believe me at this point.”
“He’ll come around,” Mack placed a hand on her knee. “We gave him a lot of information today, he just needs some time to process it all.”
“I hope you’re right,” she fidgeted with mug. “Can you do something for me?”
“Of course.”
She placed the mug on the table in from of them and reached under the collar of her shirt. Curing her fingers around the thing metal that rested there she pulled a chain from around her neck. A thick silver band rested on, Fitz’s wedding ring, she had been wearing it since he died.
“What are you doing?” he asked as she twisted her own ring off her finger.
“I want you to get rid of these for me,” she held them out for him.
“Jemma.”
“I’m serious,” she insisted and pressed them into his hand. “Keep them somewhere for an undercover op, sell them, hell jettison them out into space.”
“Are you sure?” he hesitated.
“Yeah,” she nodded, and she was. “I needed them after it happened, while we were searching for him. I needed that piece of him, in case we failed. In case we couldn’t find him. But we did, he’s here and now I don’t need those anymore. I have him back, that means more to me than a few pieces of metal.”
“I get that,” Mack reasoned. “But that doesn’t mean, you shouldn’t hold onto these. They still represent something important. Maybe the two of you can even use them again someday.”
“I don’t want him to think I’m holding on to a piece of him that isn’t here any more. That I’m trying to just replace the man I lost because there just so happened to be another him floating out there in the cosmos,” Jemma insisted. “I have exactly what I want, Fitz. He’s here; he’s alive and healthy. Now I just need to hope that he finds his way back to me, and I don’t want there to be any doubt in his mind that it’s him I want when he does.”
“If your really sure Simmons,” Mack gave her one last out.
“I am,” she smiled and stood. “But thank you.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and headed out the door, she needed to sleep.
*
Fitz slept like a rock that night. He’d been asleep, technically, for half a year, but that didn’t seem to matter. The logical part of his brain, the educated and scientific part, knew that cryogenic stasis wasn't exactly rest, that it and the process of coming out of it were taxing all on their own, but he blamed his tiredness on all that he had learned upon waking up and all of the emotions that ran around his head since he had heard the tale. It was a relief when he laid down in his room and his brain had said that enough was enough and he managed to drop off before his head even hit the pillow.
But now it was morning, and he was nervous, he realized as he poured himself a cup of coffee. How could he face them after everything he, everything not him, had done, after all they had been through without him. He sat at the table and dropped his head into his hands, how did they continue on after this?
“Man, you don’t know how good it is to see you, Turbo.”
Fitz’s head snapped up as Mack entered the kitchen and grabbed his own mug.
“Mack,” he shook head. “I’m so sorry. Everything you went through, everything you all went through, I can’t even imagine.”
“It wasn’t easy,” the other man admitted as sat next to Fitz. “We all did and said things we didn’t mean, that we didn't want. I came to accept, too late maybe, that in that kind of situation no choice is easy, not when world is at stake. But we’re all stronger for it.”
“You really think so?” Fitz was shocked, Mack was a pretty big believer in faith and what was right and wrong were always so clear to him.
“I do, even you,” he insisted. “I know none of this can be easy for you. Knowing that you lived a life, that we lived a life with you, that we formed memories and had experiences, that we lost you. But at the exact same time you’re still here, and you experience none of it. It’s a mind trip, but one I’m happy to take.”
“I don’t what to do anymore,” he admitted softly, his gaze falling to his hands as he played with the rim of his cup.
“What do you mean? You live, Fitz.”
“Just like that? You said it yourself, you all lived a life, had experiences with me, with him, that I won’t ever. That I can’t ever. You lost a friend. Jemma lost her husband. And I’m…I’m not that man. I’m some weird anomaly. A replacement, who’s never going to...” he trailed off not sure what to say, or how to say it.
“You’re not a replacement,” Mack insisted. “When you died, a part of me did, a part of Jemma, a part of all of us was gone. And then we realized, because of what you did, the actions you took to find us in the future and how we got back home, meant that you were still alive. And suddenly that part that we all lost was back. Hope was back. We’ll have new experiences Fitz, the point is we have the chance to have them.”
“Yah,” he nodded still not believing it. “Okay.”
“Here, let me show you something,” Mack pulled his phone from his pocket. “I recorded your wedding, you should watch it, see how happy you were. Maybe that will cheer you up a bit.”
“No,” Fitz said firmly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I don’t want to.”
“Come on Turbo, you could do with some happy,” he insisted. “It was something beautiful.”
“I’m sure she was,” Mack smiled at his slip but Fitz took no notice as he continued. “But I can’t. Maybe someday, but right now… that wasn’t me. It wasn’t my day, I’m not sure could face it. Seeing her with him...me.’
“She loves you,” Mack assured.
“She loved him, and she’s always going to feel that loss.”
“You are him Fitz,” Mack argued gently but firmly. "He is you. You froze yourself to travel through time and find us, to save us. You did that and he did that because you did. There would have been no him without you. And sure he went a little further. Yes there are things missing for you, things that are hurting you because of their weight, but those things, they never would have happened without you. You’re different from him sure, but not in the ways that really matter, you’re made of the same stuff. And that stuff is sure good to have back.”
Fitz tried to smile, but he couldn’t. “It just feels like it’s all…too different. Like too much is missing. ”
“I’m sure it does. And you take the time you need to grapple with it, but just know we are all here for you, however you need us.”
“Thanks Mack,” he smiled, it was small but genuine.
“Anytime. Come here,” he pulled Fitz hug. “I’ll leave you to it, but anything you need, anything you want to talk through. If you need to hit something, or scream, or even just sit in silence, you just let me know.”
“Yeah, I will,” Fitz agreed and watched as his friend walked to the door. “Mack!” he called.
“Yeah Turbo,”
“Maybe there is something you can do for me.”
*
Jemma found Fitz staring out at the bay window on Enoch’s ship, his gaze fixed on the earth in front of them. The chronocom had been right, his ship was able to make the journey in less than half the time of the zephyr. They would be home soon. Well, back on the right planet at least, her home had always been with Fitz, she hoped it still was. He had made himself scarce for days now; locked himself away on one of the lower levels and she’d barely even seen a glimpse of him since the day they woke him up. She understood his distance of course, understood how hard all this had to have been on him. When they had been in the future and she thought he had died, back on an earth long destroyed she wondered. Had he moved on? Had he lived a full life with someone else? Gotten married, had children? And then when they learned about the loops, was there ever a version of him and her that never made it? Was there a Fitz, or multiple, that lived and loved after she was gone? It made her heart twist then and now. She could only imagine he was feeling something similar.
“It’s beautiful like this isn’t it?” she said as way of announcing herself. “There aren’t many who get to enjoy a view like this.”
“Yeah,” he never looked away from the window. “I can’t even fathom what it looked like when…” he trailed off.
“Well,” Jemma forced a smile as the image of a cracked earth sprung forward in her mind’s eye. “We fixed that, didn’t we?”
She regretted the words as soon as they had left her mouth.
“Jemma we need to talk,” Fitz sighed and rested his head against the glass.
Jemma felt heart drop into her stomach. A part of her had been waiting this moment, where he would tell that it was too much, that he couldn’t accept it, that they were done. She had prayed to a God she didn’t believe in that it wouldn’t happen, but of course that was in vain. “Fitz,” she shook her head. She didn’t blame him for his feeling, but she couldn't just accept this, not without a fight, not without saying her peace.
“I can’t be him, Jemma,” he cut across her.
“I know that,” she assured. “Fitz, I don't—”
“Please, Jemma,” he begged. “Let me finish. Let me get it out.”
Jemma nodded head, her eyes burning with tears. She didn’t want to hear it, but she couldn’t deny him.
“I had a plan you know,” he smiled softly. “I was going to find you, I was going to get you safe, and then I was going to ask you to marry me.”
Jemma’s breath hitched, it what had happened of course, but hearing him talk of it, it made her heart race, she only wished it was from joy.
“I was going to tell you how I couldn’t live another day without you, how strong we were together, how unstoppable,” he sighed and ran finger over window. “And then suddenly, it you waking me up, and the whole plan changed. My world changed.”
He looked at her, his blue eyes filled with emotion. “Jemma when I saw that ring on your finger, my heart broke. All I could think was what had gone wrong? How long had I been delayed getting to you? Had Enoch made an error in the date? That of course you’d have moved on, and rightfully so. It was going to be alright, because, all I’ve ever wanted was for you happy, even if it meant that happiness was with someone else.”
“Fitz.”
“Just,” he held his hand up to ask for silence. “Then you told me what happened and my heart broke again. For you, for him, or is it me? I don’t know.” He rubbed his head. “It’s weird knowing I’ve been through so many things, some tragic, some hard, some beautiful, that I never actually experienced.”
Jemma bit lip and reach for him but he moved away from the window before she could make contact.
“I’m never going rescue you, rescue us, from a dystopian future and race of enslaving aliens. I’m never going to meet my grandson. I’m never going help build SHIELD’s first spaceship. I’m never going to help save the future. I’m never get see you in that dress,” he sighed. “Jemma, I’m never going to be him. I’m never going to be the man you lost, and I am so sorry.”
Jemma took a deep breath, she knew that, but it didn’t matter; she didn’t want him to be. They could experience the important things again, together and it would mean just as much, more even. She just needed him to believe that.
Fitz cleared his throat. “I can’t be him, and now…well I really think there’s only one thing I can do now.”
“Fitz, please,” she shook head. He couldn’t do this; she couldn’t lose him, not again, not like this.
Fitz shoved his hands into his pockets and finally, after so long, turned to face her. “I need to know if you can accept a different man? One who loves you with all he is, all he ever has been and all he ever will be? One who’s different from the man you lost, yes, but one who is made of the same stuff?” he swallowed hard and opened his hand, a ring sat in the palm. “Jemma will you marry me?”
She felt the weight of panic rush off her and she surged forward into his arms, crushing her lips to his. “Yes,” she sounded between kisses. “Yes, of course I will. I love you Fitz, I love you so much.”
Fitz tried to pull back, but Jemma wound her arms tighter around his neck. She finally had him back, she wasn't going let him go far now.
“Come here,” he chortled as he tugged her left hand down and slid the ring onto her finger. “There we go, perfect,” he grinned and brought her hand up to his lips, kissing her newly adorned finger.
She touched her forehead to his, and took in their clasped hands; it took her breath away. That they had this again, that they had made it. “We never had this last time,” she leaned forward and kissed him gently. “A proper engagement, with a ring and everything. It’s beautiful, where did you get it?”
“Um, well,” he moved backwards a bit and scratch at the back of his head, but Jemma once again didn’t let him go far. She pulled his arm back around her waist and tucked herself in close to his chest, feeling his heartbeat and relishing in it. “I made it. Out of your...our, wedding rings. Mack told me what you said, how you wanted him to get rid of them. That you were afraid by hanging onto them it would diminish what we have. I want you to know that it doesn't. It’s hard and it’s confusing, but you went through it, we went through it, it shouldn’t just be forgotten to make me feel better. They represent something important to you, to us, and it’s something you deserve to remember.”
“So you made me something different,” she smirked up at him under hooded eyes. “Different but made from the same stuff?”
He wrinkled his face like he always did when he was embarrassed about something. “Yeah.”
“It’s beautiful,” she kiss him again, slowly this time. “Very romantic.”
“We’ll all know I’m romantic one,” he murmured against her lips.
Jemma chuckled and pulled back, threading her right hand through his curls and admiring the green rock on her new ring. “And the stone?”
“A green sapphire,” he took her hand again and rubbed his thumb across the band causing a pleasant shiver to shoot up Jemma’s spine. “Green for—”
“Your birthday,” she finished. “And a sapphire for mine. Where did you find it?”
“Enoch’s got a bunch of rare samples on the lower levels, we may want to explore that before we land. I think I saw a sample of Californium, we could—”
“Later,” she demanded gently and pulled his mouth back down to her, she had more important things to do than think about science right now.
“I’m warning you,” Fitz murmured in between kisses. “I want it all this time, a licensed officiate, a signed wedding register, invitations, the whole nine yards.”
“Mmhmm,” she hummed in agreement and nipped at his bottom lip, soothing the sting with her tongue. “All of it, we’ll do it all I promise. But there is something I want first. Something I never got a chance to last time.”
“What’s that?”
“To properly celebrate my engagement with my fiancé,” she slid her hand down his chest to his belt buckle.
“How I ever told you how brilliant you are?”
“Not often enough,” she sassed.
“Mores the pity,” he swooped in and slotted their lips together again. “Maybe I’ll find a way to work it into my vows.”
“Yeah,” Jemma panted as she tugged his shirt out of his trousers.
Groaning Fitz bent low and scooped her up; on instinct she wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her down the hall to his waiting bunk. He took his time getting there, pausing to back her into walls, meeting her lips with heated kisses.
There was no rush. They had a lot to celebrate after all.
And the rest of their lives to do it.