“Don’t slam the d-” Maxine was interrupted by the loud thud of her passenger door slamming shut. Maxine wasn’t sure if she was instinctively shaking her head in annoyance or if the reverberations had caused the car to shake that violently. Boomer looked at her through the window helplessly.
Boomer’s car had broken down for the umpteenth time this month and Maxine had graciously offered to pick her up after they had all received Allie’s SOS text message earlier that morning. Maxine couldn’t help but wonder if Boomer’s car had given out on her due to poor treatment.
“Sorry, Max. I always forget.” She shrugged as her cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment.
“Yeah, yeah. It’s okay, Booms. Maybe next time.” Maxine offered. She knew her friend didn’t mean anything by it, but it was endlessly frustrating that Boomer never seemed to learn.
“Was this here the last time?” Boomer asked as she plopped herself down onto a wooden swing hanging in the veranda. It suited the beautiful Victorian architecture of Allie’s home perfectly.
“I think we picked it out last month. You might not have seen it yet. Be careful, please, Boomer. It’s not a park swing. It’s not meant to be swung.”
“This is the shit, Max. How come you didn’t get me one of these bad boys?” Boomer complained as she kicked her feet down hard, skidding along the wooden floor in a feeble attempt to heed Maxine’s warning.
“And where would you put it Booms? In the back of Daz’s truck? You don’t have the room. Let’s get inside. Allie needs us.” She wrangled Boomer off the swing and towards the front door. She pushed the door bell and readjusted her purse on her shoulder.
“I wanted to push the bell.” Boomer whined, causing Maxine to grumble and sigh.
Bridget answered the door before Maxine could reply.
“Hi ladies, come in. We’re out back.” Bridget greeted them warmly.
“Bridge, has she told you what’s going on?” Worry was written all over Maxine’s face and her voice reached a slightly higher pitch than usual. She was used to being the mom of the group but she had a lot on her plate recently and wasn’t sure she was prepared to take on an all-out crisis.
“Hasn’t said a word but she seems mostly okay. I don’t think it’s anything serious. I’m sure Franky would have said something otherwise.” Bridget tried to reassure her.
“Don’t look at me, no one tells me nuthin’.” Boomer shrugged, unaware that neither Maxine nor Bridget had remotely considered that she might have an idea as to why they had been summoned to Allie’s house on a Saturday morning. They exchanged knowing looks and continued down the hallway and out the back patio door.
“Hey ladieeeeees!” Franky called out from behind the grill.
“Smells good, Franks!” Boomer responded eagerly.
“You okay? What’s going on, Al?” Maxine looked at Allie expectantly. Allie sighed and shrugged.
Boomer approached her with her arms outstretched, and Allie reached out in response, anticipating a hug. Instead, Boomer ducked down and scooped Bowie, the chihuahua, straight out of Allie’s lap with one fell swoop. The little guy immediately began wriggling in her arms and licking her face.
“You missed your Auntie Booms, didn’t ya Bowie?” She murmured between the dog’s nips and licks. “Yeah, you did. I missed you too.”
“Can I get anyone a drink?” Bridget called out from behind the bar top. “I’ve made some sangria.” She turned around and swatted Franky’s backside as she snuck past her with a drink in one hand. She placed it down next to the grill, planting a kiss on Franky’s cheek before turning back around to pour out another glass.
“I think we all need one.” Maxine responded.
Bridget poured four more drinks and placed them on a serving tray. She walked back over to where Maxine had taken a seat across from Allie, and where Boomer was playing tug-o-war with Bowie from the next chair over.
“Should be another seven or eight minutes, I reckon.” Franky jogged over, catching up with Bridget. She lifted two glasses off the tray, sat down, and pushed one of them over to Allie with her fingertips.
“Drink up, Al and tell us what the fuck is going on.” Franky raised an eyebrow and watched on as the blonde took a big gulp of sangria. The other four women were staring at her intently over their glasses.
“There’s this redhead at the club…” Allie trailed off.
“I fuckin’ knew it. You owe me twenty bucks, Gidge.” Franky slapped her hand on the table.
“It’s always a redhead.” Boomer mused, playing with Bowie’s ears.
“Ladies, please! Let her speak.” Maxine raised her voice. Her friends, while well-intentioned, really knew how to draw attention to themselves at the most inopportune moments. She was grateful that Bridget had the sense to stay focused on the goal at hand, and still seemed to have her attention trained on Allie.
“She’s so beautiful. She’s all I can think about. I nearly missed my cue to go on air at the studio yesterday because I was away with the fairies thinking about her.” Allie dropped her hands in her lap dejectedly.
“So what’s the problem?” Boomer asked. “It’s not true what they say you know. Ginger’s really do have souls. At least that’s what Franky told me the last time.” Boomer offered, in a failed attempt to reassure her friend.
Franky snorted as Bridget stifled a laugh and Maxine glared at Boomer.
“Uh yeah, thanks, Booms.” Allie rolled her eyes and shrugged, unsure of how to respond to Boomer’s remark. “It’s just that… I don’t know if she-…”
“-is a natural redhead.” Boomer piped up, once again trying to be helpful.
“Gay, Boomer.” Allie finished pointedly. “A lesbian. I don’t know if she’s a lesbian.”
“Oh that was my next, next thought.” Boomer nodded her head affirmatively.
“Do share, please, Booms. What was your next thought?” Franky encouraged, catching her tongue between her teeth.
“If she’s got drapes and carpets that match.” Boomer chuckled. “I was way off though.”
“Geez, you think?” Maxine shook her head, baffled by Boomer’s complete inability to read the proverbial room.
“Where’d you meet her?” Bridget asked, trying to redirect the conversation.
“Her name’s Bea Smith. She’s the new head chef at Club Wentworth.” Allie sighed.
“Oh is that why you asked me about her the other day?” Maxine wondered aloud. “I’ve asked around, but no one seems to have heard of her.”
“What about you, Franks, you bang her in the past?” Boomer lifted Bowie up to her face and placed sloppy kisses on his snout.
“Fuck you, Booms. I haven’t slept with every lesbian in Melbourne. But nah, never heard of her. What does she look like?” Franky ran her tongue over her top teeth suggestively.
Allie shot daggers at Franky. Maxine sighed loudly, hoping Franky would cut out her usual antics and take their friend’s plea for help seriously.
“What have your interactions been like? Any clues there?” Bridget, once again, tried to keep everyone on topic.
“Well, I haven’t really talked to her close up yet.” Allie mumbled helplessly, her shoulders falling forward.
“What do you guys do, shout across the room to each other?” Franky smirked, proud of her quick-wittedness. Boomer snorted. Bridget placed her hand on Franky’s arm, indicating her silent disapproval. “Sorry, carry on.” Franky muttered under her breath, looking at Bridget for acknowledgement.
“That’s it. There’s nothing else to say.” Allie nearly collapsed into herself on the chair. The other women looked at each other, unsure of what to say to bring her spirits back up.
“Franky always says lesbos have short nails. Have you checked?” Boomer asked in earnest.
“If she’s a chef, she’d have to keep her nails short.” Maxine responded curtly.
“What about her clothes then, does she dress like a lesbo?” Boomer chimed in when she realized her friends were unsure of what to ask.
“I’ve only seen her in her chef’s coat but she looks damn good in it. It’s always… so crisp.” Allie covered her face out of embarrassment as soon as she heard the lame response come out of her mouth.
“Lots to go on then…” Franky teased.
“I need to know if she’s a lesbian.” Allie whined. “Help me! My gaydar’s been totally out of whack since Marie. Please, I need you guys!” Her desperation was palpable. Bridget placed a reassuring hand on Allie’s arm.
“We want to help you, Allie. We really do. You just need to give us something to work with. We can’t run an analysis on such little information.” Bridget hoped she had been gentle. She knew, more than anyone, how hard Allie had struggled in the wake of Marie’s toxicity. Still, she didn’t want to artificially inflate her friend’s hopes if there was nothing to go on.
The women sipped their respective drinks, hoping that someone else had all the answers. After a few awkward moments, Maxine cleared her throat.
“The problem is that we don’t have enough data points. You know what we need to do then.” She looked at Bridget and Franky expectantly.
“Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?” Bridget’s eyes lit up.
“What?” Allie looked around at her friends, completely oblivious to what they were talking about.
“Yes. Fuck, yes. We’re absolutely doing that.” Franky stood up excitedly. “Let me turn off this damn grill and let’s go.”
“Doing what? Can I bring Bowie wherever we’re going?” Boomer asked, trying to match Franky’s enthusiasm.
“Boomerrrrr.” Maxine groaned.
“Guys, seriously! Someone fill me in, please.” Allie pleaded.
“Grab a table at the club. We’ll be right behind you.” Maxine smiled.
As per usual, she was the one with a plan.
***
Less than an hour later, Allie turned up at Club Wentworth’s restaurant. Per her friends’ instructions, she had specifically requested a table close to the kitchen and took her seat facing the window.
Allie was anxious. She was only given loose details about the plan. Apparently, Bridget, Maxine, and Franky had run a number of these operations in the past and were reluctant to give away too much of what was about to transpire. They had assured Allie that the The Plan was foolproof and guaranteed to help her figure out whether Bea was interested in women.
Allie trusted her friends implicitly but she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t still nervous. Club Wentworth was a prestigious place. With Maxine’s nomination, it had still taken Allie the better part of the last two years to get accepted. She didn’t want to jeopardize her membership just yet; she loved attending poolside yoga and their gym was unrivaled.
As Allie was lost in thought, trying to figure out how this was all going to play out, Boomer appeared in her peripheral vision.
“Hi Allie. Nice to see ya here. Mind if I join’ya?” Boomer had clearly rehearsed that line over and over. She wasn’t usually part of these kinds of schemes, but the gang didn’t have the heart to exclude her. Maxine had clearly given her a role and she was determined to perform it flawlessly.
Allie motioned to the chair across from her. Boomer took a seat, facing the kitchen. It was then that Allie noticed Franky and Bridget sitting a few tables over behind Boomer. When had they arrived?
Boomer looked over her shoulder and nodded to Maxine, who shook her head disapprovingly in an attempt to discourage Boomer from calling attention to her. Allie had caught the entire exchange and felt a lump begin to form in her throat. They were occupying three tables in a restaurant that had twenty-five at most. Surely, that would be suspicious, right? Allie tried to calm herself down. Aside from Boomer’s nod at Maxine, there was no reason anyone would realize that they all knew each other, let alone that they were conspiring to spy on the head chef. Allie took a deep, steadying breath.
“So, which one is she?” Boomer asked quietly. Allie was grateful that Boomer had used her indoor voice, contrary to her nickname.
“The redhead.” Allie threw a thumb over her shoulder. “In the white coat.”
“Nice. She’s not bad for a ginger, ay?” Boomer nodded approvingly. “I’ll let the others know.” She shuffled in her seat and pulled out her cell phone from her back pocket, jabbing her finger at the screen repeatedly. “Fuckin’ thing never works right.” She jammed on the buttons a few more times and the screen reluctantly lit up. “Finally!” Boomer’s enthusiasm sent Allie’s heart racing in overdrive. She was afraid that it had drawn attention to them. Allie’s gaze darted around the restaurant. To her relief, most of the tables were still empty, and those that were occupied seemed completely disinterested in anyone else.
Boomer sent off a text message to Maxine, Franky, and Bridget. Allie watched as Maxine glanced at the text message on her phone and looked towards the kitchen. Allie followed her gaze and saw Bea, preoccupied with chopping. Her heart rate picked up again.
As if her senses had detected someone watching her, Bea looked up and caught Allie’s gaze. She offered a small smile. Panicking, Allie looked away sheepishly. She felt like her heart was going to leap right out of her chest then and there. Had Bea just given her a smile? Was she seeing things?
Allie tried to ground herself. She looked over at her friends and saw Bridget and Franky huddled together, looking at Franky’s phone. She assumed that they were texting with Maxine. She needed a distraction but was afraid that Boomer might say something inappropriate, or worse, loudly, and give them away. She opted for a sip of wine instead. Swirling the glass between her fingers, she hesitated to take a deep inhale of the scent.
Franky dialed Maxine’s number. Maxine immediately tapped her ear, activating her earbuds.
Skipping over pleasantries and formality, Maxine dove right into executing The Plan.
“First impressions?”
“First impressions?” Franky whispered to Bridget, repeating Maxine’s question.
“Nothing obvious.” Franky shook her head.
“Let’s look at what she’s wearing.” Maxine continued.
“Did you see her shoes?” Franky asked.
“Standard kitchen shoes. Neutral.” Maxine replied hastily.
“Not helpful.” Bridget shrugged her shoulders haplessly.
“Piercings and tats?” Franky continued.
“Hoops - hard to read.” Bridget answered quickly.
“Nothing visible.” Maxine added, frowning.
“She’s looking this way, shhhh.” Bridget caressed Franky’s chin, turning her so that they were face-to-face. “Kiss me.”
Franky obliged without hesitation, bringing both of her hands up to Bridget’s face and pulling her in, deepening the kiss. Bridget’s heart fluttered. Despite being together for years, Franky somehow always managed to make Bridget feel like she was the only one in the room.
Allie recoiled.
“Shit. Shit. What are they doing?” She whispered harshly to Boomer. Allie mentally kicked herself for underestimating Franky’s antics. Optics were all that mattered in a country club like Wentworth and a lesbian couple full-on snogging in broad daylight was not the image that the club liked to portray. Allie sunk further into her seat, embarrassed. She wondered how the scene that was unfolding in front of her had anything to do with assessing Bea’s lesbian candidacy.
Franky pulled back at the sound of Maxine’s voice coming through the phone in her hand.
“Good thinking, but no real reaction. Abort.” Maxine hung up the phone and sent a quick text off to the group, and nodded to the entrance. She stood up, followed by Bridget and Franky.
Maxine looked back at Boomer expectantly. Boomer looked befuddled, seemingly unaware of what Maxine was trying to communicate. Allie, none the wiser, began biting her nails, unsure of what to do. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Boomer’s phone buzzed and she looked down at the delayed message, finally catching onto the next step in the plan.
Meeting in the bathroom. Stat.
Boomer got up quickly, shaking the table as she did. Allie reached for her glass of wine, ensuring it didn’t spill all over the table.
Allie stood up, following Boomer’s lead.
“Nuh, not you.” Boomer said apologetically, practically shoving Allie back into her chair.
Allie watched on pathetically as Boomer left her at the table alone, and followed the rest of the gang down the side hallway and into the ladies restroom.
***
“Alright, so this isn’t going so great.” Maxine decided to be blunt. There was no use beating around the bush; The Plan was not going as well as they had all hoped. Maxine knew that Allie needed a win. Allie’s confidence had taken a major hit after her break up with Marie, and she had spiraled out of control a little bit, including a brief stint in rehab when her drinking and drugging had turned into week long stretches. Allie needed a boost and a new woman in her life would surely do the trick.
“Yeah, this wasn’t the outcome we had hoped for.” Bridget conceded.
“Let’s take a look at the score. Maybe we’ve missed something.” Franky attempted to be hopeful. She, too, wanted Allie to start dating again, though her intentions were a little more selfish. Marie hadn’t liked Allie’s friends and so couples dates had been out of the question. Franky hoped that whomever captured her best friend’s heart next would be more amenable to group date nights and activities.
“There’s nothing obvious about her appearance. It’s either neutral or non-descript.” Maxine stated matter-of-factly. She scrolled through the notes she had taken on her phone while talking to Bridget and Franky.
“She’s got some good lezzo points for her knife wielding skills though.” Franky wielded a fake knife in the air and attempted to mimic Bea’s expert chopping skills. Maxine rolled her eyes at Franky’s antics.
“Her arms seem to…” Franky stared at Bridget daring her to finish the statement she had started. “Fill out that jacket.” Bridget smirked. She knew that it would get under Franky’s skin. Ever since joining Legal Aid, Franky hadn’t had much time to go to the gym. Her once rippling muscles had languished and though Bridget couldn’t care less what Franky looked like, she loved to take every opportunity to tease Franky about them.
“What the fuck, Gidge?” Franky scowled. She knew that Bridget was trying to goad her into a reaction but she couldn’t help but take the bait.
“Don’t worry, baby. Yours are still my favorite.”
“Damn right they are.” Franky flexed and kissed her bicep jokingly. “These guns still catch all the pretty ladi-.” Boomer guffawed, slamming her open palm on the countertop with a ruckus. Maxine shot daggers at Boomer, who quickly stopped.
“That curly hair is a tough read. No points there.” Maxine cut in, exasperated. She didn’t want this to drag out all day. She knew that if she let Boomer and Franky lead the way, it would be an all-day event.
“No undercut though. Even I know that would have been a dead giveaway.” Boomer offered, in an attempt to be helpful. She always felt out of place during conversations about queerness but felt it important to participate to let the others know that she was supportive.
“Her reaction to the two of you kissing was…” Maxine shook her hand horizontally, indicating a luke-warm response.
“She didn’t freak out which is a good sign but she seemed completely unfazed.” Bridget agreed.
“So, all in all, that means she’s got nine points in the possibly lezzo column and seven in the definitively straight.” Franky counted off her fingers.
“But there’s a margin of error of plus or minus five points. So, it’s inconclusive.” Maxine countered.
“So what now?” Boomer asked, feeling left out of the conversation once again. Bridget looked between Maxine and Franky, wordlessly.
“You know what we have to do.” Maxine turned to Franky. “We’re out of options and Allie needs answers.”
“You think that’ll work?” Bridget’s hesitance was apparent.
“What are we talking about here?” Franky asked, uncertain that everyone was on the same page.
“Duh, Franks!” Boomer exclaimed, finally catching up. She was used to being a little slow on the uptake but was pleased as punch that she wasn’t in last place this time. “The Franky Test!”
“I haven’t done that in years.” Franky groaned. “Not since I pulled it on Gidge!” She wrapped her arm around Bridget’s waist and pulled her in, laying a gentle kiss on her temple.
“It worked, didn’t it?” Boomer nodded at Bridget. “You’ve gotta do this for Allie. She’d have dun’ it for ya.”
“Boomer’s right, Franky.” Words Maxine didn’t often string together but was more than happy to state if it moved things along.
“You guys really think-” Franky started but was immediately interrupted by a chorus of “Yes!” from Boomer, Maxine, and Bridget.
Franky waggled her eyebrows, sticking her tongue between her teeth as she pretended to be deep in thought.
“If Gidge’s okay with it…” Franky looked to Bridget for her approval. “Then I guess I’ve gotta do it for Allie’s sake.”
“Alright, that’s settled. I’m going to head out with Boomer. You two make it less obvious that we just held a conference in the club’s bathroom. I am certainly not about to get my membership revoked thanks to you lot.” Maxine dragged Boomer by the arm towards the door. “And don’t take forever, I’ve got a massage this afternoon and I need every minute of it.” Maxine warned as the door slammed shut behind them.
Franky’s arm trailed from Bridget’s waist. Bridget turned to face Franky, unsure if the brunette was in need of a pep talk. Franky quickly tugged at Bridget’s elbow, drawing her in for a passionate kiss.
“I love you.” Franky whispered as the two broke apart.
“I know you do.” Bridget stood on her tiptoes, laying a gentle kiss on Franky’s nose. “You’re a good friend, baby. Give her your best shot.”
With that little bit of encouragement, Bridget turned on her heel and walked towards the bathroom door. She turned back to give Franky one last look as she headed out.
Franky re-rolled the sleeves of her shirt, straightening out her collar as she looked in the mirror. “You’ve got this.” She said to herself as she took a deep breath and pushed herself back from the countertop. “It’s game time.”
***
Allie felt some of the tension in her shoulders release as soon as she saw Maxine and Boomer emerge from the hallway. Trying to avoid drawing attention to herself, she feigned a neck stretch, hoping to catch a glimpse of Bridget and Franky trailing behind them. Despite the cleverness of her subtle maneuver, the couple was nowhere to be seen, and the massive lump in Allie’s throat returned. After all, there was no telling what Franky might be up to, even with herculean effort on Bridget’s part to reign her in.
Boomer reclaimed her seat and focused intently on Allie. Unsure of what to discuss but equally positive that she did not want to upset Maxine by suspiciously glancing in her direction, Boomer stared straight ahead.
“You’re making me nervous, Booms.” Allie shifted in her seat, uncomfortable with Boomer’s intense scrutiny. “What was that all about?”
“Just wait and see. We’ve got this!” Boomer whispered excitedly. “It’ll be quick.”
Allie looked over at Maxine, hoping she had suddenly developed telepathy while her friends had convened in the bathroom. Maxine gave her a reassuring smile instead as she took her seat and turned her phone face down on the table.
Allie recognized that Maxine had meant well but not knowing what her friends were up to was starting to take its toll on her. Allie realized the second glass of wine she had started downing was probably not helping much either. Wringing her hands in her lap nervously, she attempted to make idle chat with Boomer, who was trying her damndest to heed Maxine’s instructions to a tee.
Over Allie’s shoulder, Boomer watched on distractedly as Bridget peeled off the main hallway and Franky followed a moment later. She nearly kicked Allie in the shin excitedly as she saw Franky approach the kitchen window.
“Here we go!” Boomer interjected, ignoring Allie’s question about her upcoming plans with Daz. Allie looked around the restaurant for some indication of what was happening but came up empty. She assumed that whatever it was was taking place directly behind her and that turning around would be far too obvious. Instead, she took a big gulp of cold water, hoping to steel her nerves.
Franky sauntered over to where Bea was slicing and dicing vegetables on the butcher block countertop, her usual swagger drastically emphasized for added effect. Bea, seemingly oblivious to her presence, continued chopping away vigorously.
Franky cleared her throat, hoping to draw Bea’s attention.
“Hi there.” Franky gave Bea one of her signature smiles. “Do you happen to have any finger foods on the menu today?” Franky curved her index and middle finger, drawing them to her lips seductively.
“Um…” Bea faltered, surprised by the sudden intrusion. “I think we have little weiner sausages on the kids menu.”
“I don’t eat sausage.” Franky ran her tongue over her top lip. “I’m a total vagetarian, if you know what I mean.” She winked at Bea.
“Oh. Well, I can’t think of anything else on the menu. Sorry.” Bea shrugged casually, making brief eye contact with Franky before returning to chopping the eggplant in front of her.
“Oh, okay. Ummm… Thanks anyways.” Franky replied, stunned. It wasn’t often that her charm failed to work its usual magic. Franky had always been successful with the ladies - gay, straight, and everything in between - so this Bea Smith really had her gobsmacked. It was no wonder that Allie was so confused.
As Franky returned to her table and a waiting Bridget, she made a downwards thumb signal for all to see.
Franky slumped into her seat, causing Bridget to smirk in amusement. “Don’t tell me you’re disappointed, Baby.”
“Have I lost my touch, Gidge?” Franky whined hopelessly.
“I can assure you that you have not lost your touch.” Bridget placed her hand over Franky’s hand and rubbed her thumb over Franky’s fingers reassuringly.
Franky chuckled at herself. She wasn’t sure why she was taking the redhead’s dismissal to heart. The whole point of this shenanigan was to determine if Bea was queer-leaning and failing the Franky Test was a clear indicator of which way Bea likely swung, not of Franky’s prowess or ability to pull women.
Sensing that Franky’s pride had taken a beating and that Bridget was preoccupied with helping her recover, Maxine signed her check before picking up her notebook and cell phone. Once she had cleared out of the restaurant, she sent off a final text to all of her friends and waited for everyone to convene at the valet stand.
***
Once the gang had paid their checks and met up outside, Allie broke down.
“Now, can one of you explain what the hell has been going on? I don’t like being kept in the dark.”
“We ran a quick litmus test of Bea Smith’s queerness, Al.” Maxine wanted to spare Allie as much disappointment as possible.
“I’m sorry, Allie. It doesn’t look like Bea’s a lesbian.” Bridget cut directly to the chase.
“Well, maybe she’s a different kind of lesbian.” Allie said hopefully, grasping at straws.
“Yeah, the straight kind.” Franky snorted, the delicate treading that everyone had been doing up to that point came to a crushing halt.
“Good one, Franks.” Boomer tried to give Franky a high-five but was instead met with Franky shaking her head, letting her know it wasn’t the right moment.
I’m really sorry, Blondie. There was just nothing there. I tried, honest.” Franky positioned herself squarely in front of Allie, ready to take whatever she shot back.
“But I thought you guys said the Franky Test always works.” Boomer questioned aloud.
“Yeah, Booms. We know.” Maxine could not believe how daft Boomer was being, having been let in on the entirety of the plan from the start. “Franky’s our personal gaydar but she can’t just magically make someone gay.” Maxine tried to explain in the simplest of terms.
“Oh! So, we don’t think she’s a lezzo.” Boomer suddenly caught onto what everyone else had been saying.
“That’s right, Booms.” Maxine sighed and exchanged glances with Bridget.
“Nice of ya to catch up, Booms.” Franky clapped a hand on her shoulder and steered Boomer ahead of the group, hoping it would make it harder for her to participate in the conversation.
“You really didn’t get anything from her?” Allie asked Franky, still holding out for the thinnest glimmer of hope.
“Nah, I got nuthin’. I pulled out all the stops. I’m sorry, Al. I wish it had been a different outcome.” Franky hoped her best friend didn’t place any blame at her feet. This wasn’t the result that anyone had wanted.
“Fuuccccck!” Allie shouted in frustration.
“Hey! I have an idea.” Boomer turned around to face the group. “Why don’t you just ask her out and see how it goes, ay?”
“Booms, that’s just not going to work.” Maxine didn’t want to have to explain the complexities of club membership and the fragility of Allie’s mental state. “Trust us. If it was that simple, we wouldn’t have gone through all of this.”
“Oh, I just thought we were looking for an excuse to not have to eat Franky’s shit BBQing.” Boomer elbowed Franky in the ribs jokingly as she shuffled off in a hurry.
“Fuck you, Booms!” Franky chased after her, narrowly avoiding getting hit by the valet bringing Maxine’s car around to the front.
“You gonna be okay, hon?” Maxine asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine eventually.” Allie answered dejectedly. “I don’t need any of you worrying about me, okay?” She looked at Bridget and Maxine pointedly. “I will be fine. It’s just a crush. A pointless one, apparently.”
Allie was grateful the valet brought her car around at that very moment. She couldn’t stand the concerned look on her friends’ faces.
***
Allie hit the red ‘On The Air’ button with a quick jab. “And we’re back in the sack with Allie Novak.” She tapped a button on the control panel in front of her and the recorded disclaimer rattled off as she took a swig of her Gatorade. “Let’s take a few caller questions before we dive into today’s segment, shall we?”
“It’s been ages since I’ve gotten off properly. Me Fev posters are just not doing it for me anymore. What do you suggest?”
Allie rolled her eyes at Ruby, her call screener, whose single responsibility was to ensure that the show stayed fresh and exciting. However, calls like this one came in daily and Allie was bored of finding new ways to frame the same old advice over and over again.
“You’ve just got to mix up your technique. Don’t just shove your hand in there, right. Enjoy your body. Have you ever done a self-massage? It’s all about teasing yourself, right? So, just really lightly massage your tіts... clamp onto your nipple... lightly stroke the inside of your thigh a little bit... work the clit, then you can go in for the G spot.”
Allie signaled for a commercial break and activated the speaker to the external studio.
“What the fuck, Rubes. You know I’m so fucking sick of these calls. You’ve gotta do a better job screening them before we air them.”
“Sorry, Al. This next one is much better, promise.”
“And I’m back. What’s our next question?”
“Umm.. Hi… yeah… I’m… uh…” The caller started to speak but fumbled, her voice sounded like crushed velvet - smooth but also rough.
“Take a breath, yeah? There’s no rush, no judgment here.” Allie tried to reassure the caller. She was more than used to people wigging out after gathering the courage to call. She knew it could be intimidating but she had worked really hard to provide a safe space for callers to ask the most awkward and explicit sex questions.
“Sex has never really been my…” The caller floundered once again.
“Maybe you’ve been doing it with the wrong people.” Allie interjected, guessing at what the caller was trying to say.
“Maybe.” The caller responded in a way that indicated that Allie was likely on the right track.
“You know, when I was working, I used to just... shut myself off, let it happen, get it over with but that's not sеx, you know, that's just... fucking.” Allie paused for dramatic effect and heard the caller sigh loudly. “Real sеx, good sеx... it's not just physical, it’s mental too.” Allie tapped her temple, even though the caller couldn’t see her. “You should try it sometime cause everyone deserves good sex, yeah? Especially you. Make sense?”
“Yeah, totally…”
“Well, thanks for calling in. We love to hear from audience members like you.”
Allie reactivated the commercial break and signaled for Ruby to come into the studio.
“Now, that’s the type of question we want to be taking. That’s what our audience wants to hear more of. Got it?”
“Yep. Got it, Al.”
The downhearted gravelly voice of the last caller played in Allie’s mind, drowning out the sponsor’s advertisement playing in the background. Allie knew there was more to the caller’s story but, unfortunately, due to anonymity the caller’s identifying information wasn’t stored by the station and Allie had no way of getting in touch or following up with them once they disconnected.
Allie took several more calls but found herself replaying that call over and over in her mind. Had she answered the right way? Why did that caller sound so sad? The questions cycled over and over, unanswered.
***
Allie slung her towel around her neck and headed for the club locker room. Javier’s bikram yoga class was always intense and Allie was torn between rehydrating herself and taking a cold shower to cool off. The fear of passing out in the shower winning out, Allie stopped by the water cooler and filled up her bottle. She took a seat on the bench across from her locker and sipped her water slowly, relishing the liquid rushing down her parched throat. Her stomach groaned loudly in protest, demanding equal replenishment.
Allie immediately wondered if Bea would be on-duty in the kitchen, and decided lunch in the club restaurant was in order. She took a quick shower, hoping that her skin would be less flushed by the time she emerged.
There was something about the prospect of seeing Bea that made her change into her regular clothes at warp speed. She knew she was playing a dangerous game, getting excited about seeing Bea, especially after she had so epically failed the Franky Test, but Allie couldn’t help herself.
Allie made sure to be seated with a view of the kitchen, for which she was immediately rewarded
as Bea was in her direct line of sight and she wouldn’t need to contort herself awkwardly to get a glimpse of the beautiful red curls and sharp jawline.
Allie’s server brought over the menu but she waved him away, instead requesting that he ask the chef to surprise her. Allie recognized that it was a bold move but she knew she’d have to do something to lay her Bea fantasy to rest once and for all.
In between glances at Bea, Allie fiddled with her phone nervously. At one point or another, she could swear she felt eyes on her but when she looked up, Bea was preoccupied with kitchen tasks and Allie wondered if she was just making things up to give herself hope.
She knew it wasn’t healthy and settled into a game of Candy Crush instead, hoping that she’d finally be able to complete the level that she had been stuck on for nearly two weeks. Maybe then she’d finally get Franky off her back about it.
Engrossed in breaking a meringue block and trying to set up a special combo, Allie didn’t notice Bea approaching with her meal.
“Ahem.” Bea cleared her throat, hoping to get Allie’s full attention.
“Oh! Sorry.” Allie fumbled her phone, letting it clatter to the table. “I… was… uh… playing candy crush. It gets pretty intense.”
Bea set the plate down in front of Allie.
“I wanted to personally deliver this and thank you for allowing me to get creative. This here is lump crab with roasted shrimp and spinach-stuffed mushrooms under a parmesan-panko crust, with caramelized grilled sea scallops, mascarpone risotto, and marbled potatoes. I hope you enjoy it.”
“Wow! This… looks incredible. Thank you!” Allie spluttered, glad she was able to formulate a coherent sentence in Bea’s presence.
“I also just wanted to say that I love your show, I listen to it every day after shift. Last night was… especially good.” Bea stumbled slightly. It was clear that she had practiced what she was going to say to Allie.
Allie’s shock over Bea’s hand-delivered meal had subsided and it was then that she recognized the gravelly voice from last night’s show belonged to the one and only Bea Smith. Holy Shit.
“It was you. You were the caller.” It wasn’t an accusation, but rather an acknowledgement.
“I hope you enjoy the meal.” Bea gave only a small smile in response and turned to walk away.
“Wait!” Allie reached out and grabbed her hand gently. “I meant what I said, you know. Everyone deserves good sex. Especially you.”
Bea huffed in response but didn’t move for Allie to release her. Allie took it as a sign and gathered up all of her courage, ignoring all the warnings from her friends that Bea was likely not into women and that Allie was most probably wasting her time fawning over her. She instead relied on her own instinct, and that instinct was telling her to go for it, to take the shot.
“Let me take you out this weekend.” Allie said softly, entwining their fingers together.
“What?” Bea looked alarmed and for a split-second Allie’s heart leapt into her throat. Maybe she really had misjudged it all and- “you want to take me out?”
Relief washed over Allie. Not a rejection.
“Yeah,” Allie responded with a smile, “I really do.”
Bea seemed to be mulling the proposition over in her head and Allie held her breath, waiting for a response. It would be okay if she said no, Allie told herself, at least then she’d know. Allie could move on and they’d just avoid each other at the club for a little while. Maybe forever. The absurd thoughts spiraled and it took Allie a moment to realize that Bea had squeezed her hand, trying to get her attention.
“Sorry,” Allie immediately apologized, “what did you say?”
“I said sure, that sounds great,” Bea’s face matched her hair at that point, beet red, and Allie thought the nervous smile was endearing.
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah but I gotta get back to the kitchen, who knows what they’re doing back there without me.” Bea reached for Allie’s phone. “May I?”
Allie handed it over, without a second thought.
“There’s my number, I get off in a few hours, give me a call later.”
“I will. I promise.” Allie was grinning ear to ear.
Allie watched as Bea headed back to the kitchen. Her stomach growled and she looked down at the plate in front of her. Everything looked delicious and was beautifully arranged. She tucked into the plate. The melange of flavors hit her palate instantly and Allie closed her eyes, trying to savor them all. When she opened her eyes, she saw Bea watching her intently from the kitchen.
Allie winked and brought her fingers to her lips motioning a chef’s kiss. Bea smiled brightly, and it was at that moment that Allie knew that things would work out just fine.