Loki's heart squeezes painfully in his chest as he watches you go. Leaning on the balcony of his window, he watches you ride his horse up to the Bifrost, Hogun at your side on his own. He can barely see you at the end, but he can feel that you are looking back at the palace.
"Goodbye." Loki murmurs to you.
That light of the Bifrost sends you off to Vaneheim and Loki bows his head. He hears heavy footsteps behind him, deliberate, so as not to spook him. Thor's hand lands on his shoulder and Loki stiffens up under his touch.
Thor graciously pretends not to notice. "It is for the best brother."
"I know. I just- I can't-" Loki takes a breath. "I don't know what to do."
"You're worried. You spent the last three weeks with her. It's-"
"I don't want to be told that it's normal for me the be worried, Thor. I can't see her. I won't be able to-"
Thor envelops Loki in a hug. "Shh. It's all right, brother. You will see her again."
Loki stays in Thor's arms, and Thor lets him be for as long as he wants. Loki pulls away soon enough and Thor helps him over to his bed, his body still sore and heavily bruised in some areas. Thor has him sit down so that he can help him into softer garments to sleep in. Being so clean now is almost foreign to him over being covered in blood and dirt.
"If I leave, will you be all right?" Thor asks.
Loki scowls, but ultimately he's not sure. He hasn't slept without you by his side in nearly a month. "We shall see."
Thor doesn't pester him any further, only placing a careful hand on top of Loki's head. "If you need anything-"
"I won't hesitate to scream, Thor. Get out."
Thor lifts his hand, a heavy-laden breath leaving him. "Fine, fine, I'm going."
Once Loki's door is shut, he turns over onto his side. The soft sheets around him feel strange without you right next to him and he tries to ignore the lack of your warmth against his chest. He does manage to get to sleep, though it takes a few hours of rustling around.
When he wakes up in the morning, he doesn't feel like he slept at all. His head aches right alongside his body. He opens his eyes and finds that you aren't there beside him and snaps to awareness. Oh, Norns, where is she? She's gone, she's gone. Anxiety creeps into his chest and he's frozen in the bed, his breathing picking up. It's only once his head clears that he remembers why you're gone. Still, the bad feeling in his chest persists and he climbs out of bed. Maybe a walk around the halls might sooth my stress.
He rubs his face and leaves his room. The marble floor is cold on his feet and the wide halls are a welcome difference to his covers on the bed.
He heads to the dining hall for breakfast where Frigga is already waiting for him. Odin doesn't appear to be anywhere around. She smiles gently at him, gesturing for him to sit down.
"How did you sleep, Loki?"
"Fine." he says, sitting down next to her.
"The circles under your eyes say differently."
Looking at the food in front of him, he finds that his appetite is gone. Frigga looks at him worriedly, noting that he hasn't touched a thing on his plate.
"Aren't you going to eat, dear?"
"I'm not very hungry."
Loki pushes his plate away and rests on the table. Frigga cards her fingers through his hair, but it only makes Loki miss you more. A sickness settles into his stomach and he just lets Frigga do what she's doing. He doesn't mind it, and after a little bit, it is quite nice. It still doesn't change the unsettled feeling at your absence. Frigga seems to sense this and plants a light kiss on his forehead before getting up.
Odin gives him various tasks among the people, but the longer that you aren't right next to him, the more agitated he gets. Thor meets up with him in the stables after they're done with everything and he's shaking.
"Loki?"
Loki can't stop thinking about the chance that you might be hurt, or that someone had taken you again, or that you might be dead. What if she's dead? Wh-
Thor is shaking his shoulders and Loki can't breathe. He can't breathe and there are tears falling down his face. Thor tries to get him to come around, but Loki shakes his head. He can see the cell and the poison making his lungs constrict and-
"Loki! Loki, clam down! It's all right, hey, it's all right!" Thor is crowding him and he just can't breathe! A whimper leaves his throat and suddenly Thor's hands are on his shoulders. "Loki, breathe with me. Come on. Breathe with me, here." he takes one of Loki's hands and puts it against his broad chest. "Just breathe, all right? In and out, that's all it is."
Gradually, Loki calms until he's shaking in Thor's arms. "Thor, I can't- I can't do this! Not without her."
"Yes, you can, Loki. You both need this, no matter how much it hurts."
As much as he hates himself for it, he cries. Thor rocks him back and forth, eventually picking him up when he finally exhausts himself. He lifts Loki up onto his horse and rides up to the palace, giving his mount to a stable hand as he carries his little brother inside. Loki shuts his eyes, shame burning through him. Thankfully, no one else sees them.
"No one is going to laugh at you, brother."
"No, but they will wonder and gawk. I don't like to be stared at like I'm some anomaly."
"Well, you are a little different." Thor chuckles.
"That isn't funny."
Thor only shakes his head, settling Loki into his reading chair. He picks out a book from the shelf and passes it to Loki. "There. Maybe the silence will do you some good."
"Doubtful."
Still, Loki opens the book. It's worse. The silence is worse. He has too much time to think. He couldn't focus on the book if he wanted to. Night comes more quickly than he had anticipated and he curls up on top of his covers. After having had a panic attack, you not being next to him makes it impossible for him to sleep. He thinks for a moment about forcing himself to sleep with magic, but that has never ended well for him. He has enough nightmares as it is.
He ends up not sleeping at all.
If Thor notices his tiring state at breakfast, he doesn't say anything, but offers a reassuring smile. Loki shakes his head, leaving his breakfast on the table and heading back to his room. Frigga casts a worried glance at Thor just as the door closes behind him.
Loki takes a hot shower. Once he's clean and some semblance of dry, he has to rush back into the bathroom to wretch. He didn't have a lot in his stomach to begin with, so it's mostly dry heaving. When he's finished, he slumps next to the toilet. He makes a keening sound and curls in on himself. As always, when he's distressed, Thor comes to him. Loki isn't sure how he always knows, but he does. Heimdall might tell him, but that's a little more personal than the gatekeeper likes being.
"Brother? Are you all right?"
Loki shakes his head, groaning as it pounds in his skull.
"Can I help somehow?"
He shakes his head again.
"You're obviously not feeling well, Loki. Am I to assume that this has something to do with-"
"Don't say her name, Thor."
"-with the person you are missing so clearly?"
Loki huffs. Thor may be a blundering fool, but he is nothing if not careful with his words. More so than anyone gives him credit for, anyway.
"So what if it does?" Loki grumbles.
"It's not bad for you to miss her."
Loki hisses. "I don't just miss her, Thor. I-"
Thor pats his knee and Loki looks up at him. "You need her."
Loki nods, not used to admitting that he needs anyone.
"You know that you can't go see her."
Loki lets Thor pull him out of his little ball, nodding again. Thor helps him up, tugging him back into the main part of his bedroom and settling him on the bed. Thor hops up behind him and sits back against the headboard.
"You being here won't change anything, brother." Loki grumbles.
"Maybe not, but I can still keep you company."
"Are you sure you don't have glory to win somewhere, like the training grounds, or some poor urchin to save?"
"No, but if I did, the little urchin would be you."
Loki rolls over onto his back, growling. "You think you're so clever."
"Well, someone has to, otherwise you'll be alone."
With a growl, Loki hits him with a pillow. "I already am alone."
"Ah. Still going with that, I see."
Loki growls again and shuts his eyes, trying to ignore Thor's irritating (and unwelcome) presence. Anxiety crawls all over his skin like ants and he takes a few deep breaths to get it to abate. It doesn't work. His chest squeezes and he stares up at the ceiling, quietly swallowing air. He manages to calm himself down before Thor notices, but he's still dazed.
Frigga likes to say that things are out of sight are out of mind, but in this case she is sorely wrong. The only thing that Loki can think about is you, and the fact that anything could be happening to you right now and he'd never know. His heart clenches in his chest just thinking about it and he groans. Thor quiets him, nudging at his ribs with his bare feet. Loki pushes at him from his spot in the middle of the bed to get him to stop.
"Brother!" Loki growls.
"I'm just trying to help." Thor says innocently.
Loki hates this. He's stuck between killing Thor for pestering him and thinking about you. Thor doesn't seem to care. He still sits with him for hours on end, and Loki has four more panic attacks just that afternoon. Thor doesn't know what to do, considering they just keep getting worse. He had thought the one in the stables was fairly bad, but they are so much worse now.
It's the end of the first week when Thor sits down on Loki's bed, passing him a cup of water. Loki's hand shakes so badly, he doubts he'd be able to hold onto it without Thor's help.
"You're going to make yourself sick, Loki. Mother worries for you."
"I'm fine." Loki growls, tossing the cup across the room. "Leave me."
"You need to eat something."
"I don't need to do anything." Loki hisses, throwing a dagger into the headboard right next to Thor's ear. "Now leave!"
"Broth-"
"GO!" Loki snaps.
Thor raises his hands in surrender and Loki slumps onto the bed as he shuts the doors on his way out. He's not hungry. He doesn't know why that requires an explanation. He's simply not hungry. Loki is so tired of saying that, he could rip his own hair out. With a irritated groan, he curls up on his bed, bunching up a pillow in front of his chest. It's the first time he's made it to sleep all week.
His exhaustion makes his nightmares worse.
He's burning. Loki tries to get away, but he's tied down. A blinding light shines in his eyes, but he knows exactly where he is. The collar around his neck sears his skin and he grits his teeth. With a sweep of motion, Loki is standing. A large weapon is swinging at his head and Loki ducks. His wounds burn and he waits for the next swing, but it never comes. Opening his eyes, the beast is swinging his weapon at someone else. Just under the monster's arm, he sees you. His heart slams against his ribs, the seconds passing by with horrid slowness. There's a gag in your mouth and you're chained to the arena floor. The ax cleaves your head clean from your shoulders and Loki stops breathing. No. The word echoes around in Loki's head and he sees red. His skin grows cold and his breaths puff out in front of him. He shivers and looks down, seeing his blue skin all over, and the plain loincloth of the Jotuns wrapped around his waist.. Loki tries to make it go away, but the blue won't go. A hoarse scream of panic leaves his mouth.
"You killed me."
Loki's head snaps up at your voice. Blood pours from your neck as you stare up at him. The cold winds of Jotunheim bites at Loki's skin.
"Didn't you hear what I said?" you snap, blood puffing from your lips. "You killed me! You stood there and watched! You let it happen!"
"No." Loki denies, shaking his head fervently. "I didn't- I wouldn't have! I couldn't stop it!"
"No? I thought you were going to protect me!" you scream. "You're a monster! I called you a coward once and I was right! You hide behind your magic, pretending to be someone you're not!"
Loki tries to reach out, putting a hand on your shoulder. You scream as you skin burns and Loki snatches his hand back, mortified.
"You're a monster! I never should have trusted you!"
"No, please!" Loki begs.
"You will never see me again, and it's all your fault!"
"No, don't leave me, please!" Loki screams. "Don't go!"
You let out a strangled cry and drop to your knees. You body flops to the ground and blood pools under you. Loki is afraid to touch you, and he regrets it the moment he does, supporting your head.
Your eyes open and stare as if looking straight through him. "You let me die." you whisper.
And then you're gone. You disappear into mist, but the blood on the ground stays, soaking Loki's knees with it and freezing into crystals. A hollowness fills him and he looks up at the sky. The clearness of it seems to whisper to him. All your fault. All your fault.
Loki screams, his voice breaking as spikes of ice shoot up around him. Tears drip down his face, the water freezing on his cheeks or falling onto the frozen skin of his knees. His breath steams out of his mouth as a soulful moan leaves him. He weeps, his hands bracing against the ground as he bows his head. It's all my fault. Your blood is on his hands and it freezes around his fingertips. All my fault. His shoulders shake. You're a monster.
He hears Thor's voice calling to him and he breaks down into sobs, staring down at your blood. Hands shake him and Loki doesn't try to fight. Whatever they do, I deserve it. Thor quietly says his name and Loki turns. There is no one.
"Loki. Wake up."
He looks down at his hands, your blood all over. He can't stop staring at it. All my fault. I'm a monster.
"Loki, you aren't a monster. You're my little brother. Wake up."
Thor's pleading gets his attention. He still isn't there. Don't leave me.
"I won't leave you, Loki, but you need to wake up."
Loki whispers your name, begging you not to go.
"You know why she's gone, Loki." Thor says, and Loki feels his hand on his head. Loki still can't see him, thinking that maybe he's going mad.
Because I let her die. All my fault.
"Loki, she's not dead. She's on Vaneheim with Hogun, just as she has been for this past week. She's not dead."
Loki snaps awake at that and he clutches to Thor the moment he sees him. Thor hugs him, rubbing at his back as small whimpers leave his mouth.
"Brother, I can assure you, whatever you saw, whatever you told yourself in your nightmares, it wasn't real."
Loki grips Thor's back, squeezing as tightly as he can. Thor shushes him, but Loki won't be consoled so easily. Loki looks up at the ceiling, tearing falling down his cheeks. They aren't stopping. They aren't freezing. Loki calms some, realizing he isn't stuck in his jotun form as he had been in his dream.
It feels like forever before he stops trembling, steadily growing weaker in Thor's arms.
"I will not force you to speak on what your nightmare was about, nor will I ask you not to, but if you ever feel the need, know that I will be here, brother."
Loki lets out a shaky breath, nodding. "I think I'm going to throw up now."
Thor picks him up a little hurriedly and carries him to the bathroom. Loki doesn't have anything in his stomach to throw up, but his stomach is convinced otherwise. Even so, does his best to clean him up. He finds Loki some fresh clothes, helping him out of his sticky shirt. He finds a towel and wets it down, carefully wiping Loki's face of sweat. He gently presses the towel to Loki's back. Loki's muscles tremble, quaking underneath his skin. Thor doesn't mention it, only working to ease Loki's easily provoked panic.
"How did you know I was having a nightmare?" Loki murmurs.
"You woke half the palace with your magic, brother. Everyone felt your distress, but very few knew what to make of it."
"Good."
Thor rests a hand on Loki's head and Loki flinches. Thor doesn't seem to mind, only moving his hand down to grip his shoulder before helping him into the shirt he had found. The clean linen is soft against his skin. Thor leaves Loki to change the rest by himself and Loki slowly does so slowly. All he does is crawl back into bed and shut his eyes without sleeping.
Thor returns a few hours later, but he can't convince Loki to eat. He can't get Loki to sleep. Even getting him to drink a little water is a miracle that he had to work for. He sits with Loki, at least keeping him company, since that looks to be all he can do.
Even Frigga, the person who Loki has always talked to, can do nothing.
Loki stays like that for three days before suddenly sitting up in bed and walking out the door. Thor is startled from his light dozing next to him, quickly following behind to keep up.
"Brother, where are you going?"
Loki laughs at him like he's an idiot, a sound he hasn't heard in nearly two weeks. "Outside. Where does it look like I'm going?"
He waves a hand and his leathers fold around him. There's a poof of energy and he and Thor appear in the Bifrost. "Loki, you know that you can't-"
"Trust me. I know, brother."
Loki pulls a smooth stone from nowhere and whispers words. The stone glows and Loki turns to Heimdall.
"Loki." the gatekeeper acknowledges with a tilt of his head.
"Heimdall, will you send this to her?"
"If you wish it, my prince."
Loki nods and Heimdall turns the Bifrost sword towards Vaneheim. Loki stands in front of the beam and Thor fears for a moment that he will break his word not to go to her. Loki whispers an incantation over the stone and he presses a second one to its glowing exterior. He tosses the second to Thor before hurling the first stone into the Bifrost. Loki simply nods once the deed is done and turns from the Bifrost as the glow dies down.
"Loki? What exactly was that?"
"Should she ever truly need me, or the other way around, she may use the stone to contact me." he turns to the gatekeeper. "Thank you, good Heimdall."
"It is my duty, my prince, and my honor, to aid you."
Loki clasps bracers with him before grabbing Thor and teleporting back to the palace. Thor still has a little whiplash from Loki's change in mood. Loki, on the other hand, seems to have no thoughts for such a thing as he heads back to his room, rolls over and retreats back into the space of his own mind. Thor frowns as Loki's leather disappears and his looser garments remain.
Rubbing his eyes, as it is the middle of the night, Thor rests a hand on Loki's shoulder before retreating to his own room. Loki gruffly acknowledges him as he leaves. He falls into a restless sleep, not wanting to go deep enough to dream. It takes Thor a few hours to return, and when he does, Loki is asleep. He seems peaceful for the moment, so Thor settles onto the bed, putting the small plate of food for Loki off to the side.
Thor expects Loki to come around quickly, and he's not wrong. When Loki does wake, it's with a hoarse scream and he breaks down into tears again.
"Was it the same nightmare?" Thor asks, steadying him.
Loki nods slowly. "Worse." is all he says.
Thor rocks him back and forth, a movement that has become soothing over time, and Loki calms. Thor pats his back a couple times, still rubbing up and down his spine.
"Loki, are you going to yell at me if I ask you to eat something?"
Loki shakes his head again, sinking into Thor's arms. "I give up."
Thor narrows his eyes. "What?"
"No matter how many times I say it, no one listens to me when I say I'm not hungry. I may as well just do it even if I know that I can't keep it down."
Thor pauses for a little bit. "Are you ill?"
"I will be if I eat something." Loki grumbles, just the thought of putting something in his stomach making him want to be sick.
"All right." Thor says softly.
Loki freezes. "That's it?"
Thor's brow furrows and he puts Loki out at arm's length. "If it makes you sick, I won't make you."
Loki relaxes, eyeing the plate of food over Thor's shoulder with disgust. Thor strokes a hand down his hair and rocks him a bit more before letting Loki lie back down.
"I feel like a child, so easily frightened by things so simple as someone touching me." Loki mutters.
Thor hums. "You have every right to react the way you do. I don't know what you went through together in that cell, but I know that you were hurt, and hurt a lot. You weren't healing when we found you."
Loki growls, squeezing his eyes shut. He knows how petulant he sounds when he says it, but he says it anyway. "I don't want to have the right."
Thor can't help but chuckle and Loki curls up. Thor takes as good of care of Loki as he can with him not eating, but there isn't a lot he can do as Loki deteriorates. He doesn't sleep, and no matter how much Thor would like him to, he won't eat. He's sick, and Thor knows it, but he can't seem to pull him out of his spiral.
One day, as he's walking towards his bathroom, he has a dizzy spell. He pinches the bridge of his nose, swaying. A heavy breath leaves his chest as he collapses. Thor rouses from his steady doze as he hears a thud and he scrambles off the bed when he sees that it's Loki.
"Brother? Hey, Loki." he shakes his shoulders.
When Loki won't rouse, he calls for Heimdall to warn their mother. She arrives in the room, her poise discarded as she sees Loki lying on the floor. She kneels down next to him, pressing a light hand to his forehead.
"He's dreaming."
Thor glances up at her. "Can you tell what about?"
"There's blood. It's all I can see. I don't know what else or who else might be there."
"Can you wake him up?"
Frigga shakes her head. "There is nothing I can do."
"There has to be somethi-" Thor cuts off, rustling around in the bedspread. "It has to be here somewhere."
"What are you looking for?"
Thor explains that Loki sent you a stone that matched this one through the Bifrost and that you might be able to snap him back to reality, and maybe help him get well. Frigga quickly agrees. When Thor meets you at the gate, you look flushed from the ride over the rainbow bridge.
"We must hurry."
When you ask to be alone with Loki, both Thor and Frigga are hesitant.
Loki is silent on the floor, but inside his own head, he is having the same dream. It doesn't ever feel less real: the feel of your blood on his hands. It's only when he feels lips against his that he pauses, his pain ebbing slightly. They press harder against his, begging him to respond. Loki rouses, if only to figure out why the lips against his are so familiar when the only other person who has kissed him recently.... was you.
He tries to pull you closer when he comes to that realization, recognition hitting him. You're alive. When she pulls away, Loki sluggishly opens his eyes. "It's you."
"Hi." she says, breathless.
"Hi. You came back." Loki murmurs, staring up at you with awe.
"Of course I did. You needed me."
Loki pulls you closer, need burning in his veins to kiss you. "I always needed you."
He pulls you into his arms and the anxiety that has been rolled up inside him unravels. He wanted to know everything that had happened on Vaneheim. He didn't care if it was only you sleeping on a cot somewhere, or having a nightmare. He just needed you.
You start to pull away from him and Loki looks up at you. "Don't go?" he asks, not knowing the answer.
"Never."
Loki can feel your hot tears on his shirt and smiles up at the ceiling. Oh, Norns, I never thought I'd see you again.
"I was worried. I couldn't see you." Loki says quietly.
"I'd wonder if something had happened." she responds. "I'd wonder if you were okay."
"I didn't know, and I just couldn't breathe." Loki finishes.
You help Loki into a sitting position and he lines his long, slim fingers up with yours. Loki laughs softly, catching your attention for some reason or another and he looks up at you expectantly.
"I just love that sound." you shrug.
"Really?" Loki asks, cupping the side of your face. "I just love you."
Your hand comes up to hold onto his and she laughs. "I love you too."