Toaster Strudel
"Ahhhhh"
The sigh came with the soft click of a utility (bullet) belt unclipping.
Wade Wilson leaned back further in the dark kitchen chair, a mountain of burrito wrappers sitting before him.
He wriggled on his slightly more plush (Or as the kids say, 'thiccer') ass. He might have put on a little bit of...fluff.
"Just in time for swimsuit season" He winked to the camera, giving his modest pot belly a soft pat. It jiggled ever so slightly, the tightly packed beans, meat, and cheese beneath it holding its bloated shape
"Eat your veggies, kids! Adults, eat whatever you want. You pay your taxes, who am I to judge you" Wade said, belching into his fist
"But seriously. The X-Men's food budget is comical. It would be rude not to chip it away at it like an overfed David quietly taking bites out of Goliath. I'm essentially a Biblical hero." He added, smoothing both his hands to his belly as he pulled his mask back down over his scarred lips
] There was a steady and heavy set of footfalls, regular, brisk, as if each stride were being measured for ideal stride length. Somehow, Colossus always sounded as if he were marching, or striding somewhere important. He didn't even yawn as he stepped into the kitchen, the morning sunlight glinting off his metallic body and perfectly coifed metal hair. Though, being metal, it likely didn't need much in the way of coifing. "Good Morning, Wade," the metal man rumbled as he pulled a bowl and a box of cereal from the cupboard. His lips pursed as he took in the small mound of wrappers, his brow furrowing in disproval. "Really? Burritos? For breakfast?" he asked, his accent struggling slightly with the rolling 'r'. He pointedly poured himself exactly a cup of cereal. Corn flakes. Unfrosted. And measured out his skim milk in kind.
"Not legally breakfast if you stayed up all night watching vintage pornography." Wade smiled, muffling another belch and feeling his overfilled middle jump
"Your mother is a very talented actress, by the way. Love a screamer." He said, shimmying his round ass again and grunting his way to standing.
"But if you insist I eat breakfast, well, I won't be rude" He grinned, belly leading the way to fridge as Wade unloaded a box of toaster pastries, popping two into the toaster oven. He leaned back against the counter holding onto his gut, willing it to digest so he could cram more into it
"My mother was not..." Colossus let out a disgusted sigh and sat down with his cereal, picking up the spoon that was tiny in his hand with surprising daintiness, bare feet crossed under his stool, his pajama pants cinched tightly under his quite literally harder than rock abs. A slight darkening touched the apples of his cheekbones, taking the shine out and making the metal more matte as he glanced over at Wade again, eyes fixing on that roundness. That bulge. He cleared his throat. "Toaster Strudel not breakfast," he said, voice oddly tight. "Sweets are for dessert."
Wade let out a dramatic gasp.
"What?! They're?! Then how am I-" Wade opened the toaster and reached on, plucking out one of the hot strudels and chomping into it.
"Oh no, you're right, Catherine the Great! I shouldn't have done this! I can't stop!" Wade gasped again, cramming the rest of the first strudel, then the second one, into his greedy mouth. His cheeks bulged obscenely.
His stomach gurgled loudly as Wade bent over, grabbing the icing and tearing the packet open.
He placed it directly to his lips, sucking white cream from it before gulping the entire mass down.
Wade's stomach blorped out before, the oversweet lump settling like a boulder in his gut.
"Oooof, you're right! I'll never do that again." He said, opening up another package, placing it in the toaster over.
Colossus’ corn flakes had gone soggy. He was staring now, milk dripping from the spoon that had frozen half way to his mouth. How could he... just... do that? No regard for rules, for decency! Granted, he had known this the moment he met the patsan. And yet he continued to seek him out. To help him. To give him advice that fell on deaf ears. "Wade. You. Must. Stop," he said, getting to his feet and towering over him, crowding him away from the toaster oven. "Stop for a moment and think. You are full. Beyond full. What purpose could more food bring you? Why not get started on your daily training to work through whatever is possessing you to eat so much?"
Wade locked eyes with Colossus.
He took the third strudel from the oven, then slowly brought it to his mouth.
He crammed the entirety of it in, tearing open the icing pack once more and slurping it down.
"Maybe I'm eating my feelings. You're right. Make love to me, ya big lug." Wade said, in a terrible, fake Southern accent.
He grabbed the metal mutant's hands, placing them onto his massively overstuffed gut.
"The baby's yours" He whispered, then belched, the light pressure on his engorged middle forcing out more air immediately.
The thick fingers contracted of their own accord, the metal skin hard but warm and alive. Wade was... quite firm as well, the flesh stretched tight. Yet more pliant still than his. Colossus quickly withdrew, his hands retreating to his hair where Wade couldn't reach them. "Ugh, it is too early for this," the metallic giant groaned. He had the fleeting thought of simply smashing the toaster oven flat, but he had too much respect for other people's things. He shoved his hand inside instead and grabbed the last two toaster pastries. He turned his back on wade and bit into the flakey pastry, gasping as raspberry filling filled his mouth. His highly regimented taste buds practically passed out from the flavor influx. The sweet, the tart, the anything but soggy bland cornflakes made him almost week at the knees. He ate the other one in two bites. Another evil defeated. Now they were all gone.
Wade belched loudly into his fist.
"Trying to protect me from myself, Big Bertha?" Wade grinned.
"Well, no need! I can't die. God do I wanted to! Just kidding!" Wade laughed, then turned directly to the camera.
"Mostly just kidding. At least 60 percent kid-URP" He said, gasping as he leaned back against the counter. Maybe he had overdone it.
"Okay. Nap time! Then uh...then training" He said, saluting, one hand over his absurdly rounded gut instead of his heart.
"Yes. Good," said Colossus, sounding really quite distracted. Once Wade had waddled off for his nap, Colossus returned to the toaster pastry box to ensure it was quite empty. Then he took a peek in the freezer. If Wade was going to act like a child and stubbornly stuff himself silly on sweets, then he would just have to remove temptation. Yes, that was it. The metallic man smiled as he dug a huge block of chocolate ice cream out of the back of the refrigerator and slipped outside, cereal forgotten but spoon firmly in hand.