His knees ached, covered in mud and soil as his hands began to shake once again pressed against his stomach. For all the commotion around him his mind remained empty, an emotionless expression smeared across his face as he continued to stare at the perfectly cleaned floor; aside from the footprints. The shoe shaped ash prints that littered the lab forced him to feel, forced him to admit that Bucky was gone, but he fought back. He refused to think about it as his eyes slipped shut and he flinched at another sound of glass shattering. Voices were yelling and feet were running but he could only stay silent as his lungs slowly but surely began to tighten themselves together.
In and out.
He couldn’t breathe. Every time he took in a breath he smelt ash and he wanted to scream because he would rather smell blood. His forehead still ached and his temples felt like exploding because he was still in physical pain. It was suppose to heal, but he would never be back to what he was before because what began to heal before Thanos was getting drastically worse. The darkness was growing heavier in his stomach and as more feet poured into the room he felt himself begin to sway on the couch. His arms tightened around his midsection and he clenched his eyes tighter as he began to see a body piece itself together in his head. He didn’t want to.
In and out.
His eyes were burning. The shaking was getting worse and he began to sweat, the stench wafting around him as his limbs began to grow numb. He wanted to stand, to run back outside but he was terrified. If he stayed in here he might of imagined the whole thing, this could be a dream; but if he went out there, out to where Visions body was collected, he would see the patch of- no.
In and out.
The screaming was louder now. Rocket and his voice clear as day and although Steve hadn’t met him officially, the pain in his voice was contagious. Okoye. She was screaming back and he could only lower his head deeper as a new voice jumped in. Rhodey.
In and out.
Shuri was crying somewhere in the room. Her sobs were forcing his tears toward the edge of his skin and he shook his head harshly as Bruce began to call out for the team to come together.
In and out.
Thor was storming in, calling out that there were survivors and that he brought them back to earth to plan. Steve didn’t want to fight, he flat out refused because he could not lose anyone else- Sam. Sam would know what to do, he would help get the man back on his feet. Where was Sam?
In and out.
The arguing stopped and the silence around him forced him to open his eyes. He looked past the blur in his vision and he crumbled as he watched the raccoon fall to his knees. There was a blue woman, covered in metal and she fell next to him as he screamed. He held a pot of ash in his hand and the door opened again, Nat walking in with her hand in Tony’s. Tony. Oh god, Tony? Bruce ran to her, to him, they hugged as Thor walked to Shuri. Okoye held her staff and could only slip her hand into M’Baku’s.
In and-
There was no one for him.
In-
He had no one, yet there was no ice. There was no water and he was sweating, he was still covered in mud and ash and his lungs continued to tighten as if the arms around his waist weren’t enough. His eyes slipped closed again and he dug his teeth into his lip as something began rising up his throat. It burned it's way up and he wanted to throw it up, to let himself gag, but as he opened his lips they didn’t reveal bile. It was a gasp. What did Sam tell him to do?
In-
This has happened before and Sam talked to him, he told him what to do, but it was always Bucky- No. There was no metal around his waist. His feet were still on the ground and there was no mattress to be laid on. No shadow covered him as hair dusted across his face and there were no whispered promises. Bucky wasn’t holding him close, he wasn’t staring into the other’s eyes and there was no fresh air to dry the tears pouring continuously down his face. He was alone.
-out
The breath he released was more a shaky release of pain, his head began to throb harder and he scrunched his face in pain as his arms tightened too much. His swaying came to a stop and he was too tense as a hand fell on his shoulder. It wasn’t Bucky’s hand. It wasn’t Sam’s hand. He couldn’t hear anything around him anymore and he begged for a sound. The sound of the Valkyrie flying through the air, the sound of the baseball game when he woke from the ice, the sound of the twinjet landing before he took those steps into the bunker. He couldn’t hear anything and the hand was tightening and another burn began tearing up his vocal cords.
In-
He couldn’t breathe. Hands were forcing his hands from his stomach and he shook his head too harshly as another hand slipped into his. The burn subsided only for a second and his mouth tasted like salt as a deep breath of air finally pushed from his lungs. His chest was rattling under pressure and he felt himself forced against something solid as he finally let himself break down.
In and out.
In and out.
“We got you, Rogers. We’re still here.”
He needed a friend.
The sounds came to him all at once and the cries of agony were too terrifying to be coming from him. The weeping and the shaking of his hands were too much for him to take in as his face became muffled by a t-shirt. The hands around his waist weren’t his anymore and the palm sliding up and down his back was too soft to be anyone’s but Natasha’s. He tried looking up, to see around himself, but the sight of Tony’s under-armor suit was enough for his own arms to wrap around such a familiar waist. He held as tight as his body would allow and he felt exhaustion weighing down on him as his breath’s began to wear out.
“We’re still here, we’re not going anywhere, pal.”
I love you, pal.
“We aren’t gonna go anywhere until we get our team back, you hear me?”
I ain’t gonna leave you, babydoll.
“We’re gonna figure this out.”
I’m gonna get you through this, I promise, Stevie.
He thinks he fell asleep to Bucky’s voice.