Banner had left his novel in Thor’s room.
He’d come across it while pacing back and forth one night, eyes hung with red rings and stained with a sheen of tears. He’d tried to ignore the crying; to just walk, back and fourth, hand stroking through his beard and tears running down his cheeks. He neglected to even wipe them away, as if acknowledging their existence would prove that this was real, that he was breaking down, that so many thoughts were circling through his brain that it was making his heartbeat uncomfortably fast.
He wasn’t sure why he picked the book up; it had almost startled him at first, the way it was sitting there so nonchalantly, blending with the rest of Thor’s things yet still looking so...Foreign. He smoothed over the hard cover with the back of his hand, trying to understand what the title meant, (it was something about science, that much he could understand. He was never too good with long, Midgardian words like the ones Banner used).
After Thanos had been defeated, settling back into this place had been tough. Stark had apparently kept all of their floors intact, even after the Avengers split up, and while it was a nice luxury, Thor was having a hard time with it. Something that was particularly hard for him to understand was how fast everyone had seemed to be re-adjusting. Stark and Barton were cracking jokes already, and Nat and Steve were their usual, chipper selves, and Banner...Well, Banner had always been hard for Thor to understand.
He grazed his fingers along the side of the book, feeling the ridge of each page slide against his skin. Banner had been the constant in his life after Thanos, (and, if Thor thought about it, during Ragnarok as well). He frequently visited Thor’s floor at night, just as much as Thor visited his lab. The two of them rarely had light conversations. Thor wasn’t ready to just pretend like everything was normal again- not like the others were doing. Banner never seemed to act like anything was normal, so it was good company.
Their conversations about things like this were typically (ok, always) started by Thor. He’d make his way into Banner’s lab or invite him to his room, and then just...Go off, about anything. Usually about Thanos, and what he’d taken- sometimes about their teammates.
“I don’t understand them,” He remarked one day, striding into Bruce’s lab, neglecting to even say ‘hello’ before he started. He assumed he and Banner were past that by now. “Do you know what they’re doing right now, Banner? They’re watching movies. They’re not- they don’t- It’s like nothing even happened!” He flung his arms out, moving one of them back and raking his fingers through his hair.
Banner was quiet, but he nodded. Thor took a few seconds to stare silently at the back of his head, waiting to see if the other man would speak before he continued his rant.
“I just- I can’t believe we aren’t talking about what we’re gonna do if there’s another...If something like this happens again! We got lucky, Banner, y’know? And it scares me.”
Banner didn’t even move this time. Thor silenced himself, raising an eyebrow in confusion. Usually, he’d give his opinion on Thor’s rants- he’d be the one to tell Thor that he was acting irrationally, that he should just relax like the rest of them are, that it’s ok to not be focused on the past. Thor had gotten used to those words, he had hung onto them, but now, Banner’s silence was...deafening.
All of the things Banner said to reassure him, Thor had ultimately known already. But it was different when someone else said it- when someone like Banner said it...It made it real.
Thor didn’t speak, instead he moved closer to the scientist, laying a hand on his shoulder and instantly pulling it back when he felt Banner jump in surprise. Shit, right, he thought, awkwardly moving his arm back down to his side. Watch your physical contact.
“Uh- Banner,” he said, eyeing the side of his friend’s face with concern. “Are you alright? You’re being awfully quiet.” Banner looked focused as usual, eyes resting on the screen of the tablet he was holding. The bags under his eyes looked almost like bruises in this light, and his hair was as messy and unkempt as ever, (to anyone else, this would have sounded like a rude way to describe someone, but to Thor, Banner’s traits were breathtaking).
There were moments, when the silence stretched on, that Thor suspected that Banner wouldn’t say anything at all. Just as he reached out to make sure he wasn’t asleep with his eyes open, the words seemed to fall out of Banner’s mouth.
“I’m moving out.”
Thor hadn’t said anything in response. He wasn’t sure what he would have said, thinking back on it. The words felt like ice being poured down his neck, made it feel as though someone had kicked him in the stomach. The best he could do was a small nod of recollection before he speedwalked out of the lab, perhaps letting the door slam a little too hard.
That had been 20 or 30 minutes ago, 20 or 30 minutes before Thor had began pacing his room like a maniac, 20 or 30 minutes before he found Banner’s novel on the coffee table.
For some reason, up until then, he’d been thinking about everything but Banner. About Thanos, about Hela, about his brother and his people and how his teammates didn’t seem to give a shit about anything that had happened. But when he found that book, when his hands had wrapped around it’s hardcover, that’s when reality pulled him back in.
Banner was leaving, and Thor didn’t understand it. He knew the man had a long history of running. The way he ate every meal like it was his last, the way he’d take any of the Avengers ripped up clothes that they didn’t want, the way that he slept, curled in the smallest ball possible. So really, it made sense why he was running, that part Thor understood. Banner was used to it, it was his lifestyle, the thing he fell back on.
The thing Thor didn’t understand was why it tore him apart that Banner wouldn’t be around anymore.
He and Banner had always been friends. They got to know eachother better on Sakaar, and got even closer now that they were all living together again. So of course he cared about Banner, but there was a nagging part of him that told him it was different. That if this were one of the other Avengers, he’d just be wishing them safe travels and promising to write, not getting angry or sad or whatever the Hell this feeling was.
He found himself glaring at the book with a small huff, letting his arms drop to his sides as he looked around his room. Little signs of Banner were everywhere, and Thor wondered when the hell the man had established himself so much in Thor’s life. It bothered him, but the feeling of being bothered was so much better than being sad about Banner. That’s when he began manically walking around the room and tearing away anything that belonged to Banner- his hoodies, his notebooks, anything he’d forgotten, and heading for the door.
He had to cross the living room to get over to Banner’s lab. He must have looked furious, because instead of talking to eachother over the movie, the rest of the Avengers were just starting at him. He couldn’t bring himself to care; his eyes were narrowed at the lab’s entrance, and it was all he could focus on.
He stormed inside the lab, not surprised to see that Banner was still in the same place, jumping in surprise when the door slammed shut behind the god. He spun to face Thor, eyes widening at his expression. He ignored it, walking right up to the doctor and shoving the bundle of belongings into his chest. “You’re leaving? Take this stuff with you. I don’t want it anymore.”
For a couple seconds, Banner just stared at the armful of his stuff. For some reason, Thor wanted to yell at him, look at me, dammit, you coward, but before he could say anything, Banner’s eyes were on Thor.
“T-thank you,” he muttered, gaze switching between Thor and his belongings before he set them on the table next to him, turning away from Thor. “I’ll- um- I’ll pack them with the rest of my stuff.”
He was already packed? When the Hell was he planning on leaving?
Thor swallowed hard, hands clenched at his sides as he nodded. “Good.”
Banner nodded, smoothing down his unruly curls and turning back to Thor, looking down at his feet almost shamefully.
“So,” Thor broke the silence, eyebrows still furrowed, cheeks flushed red with anger and- well, something. “That’s it, then? That’s all? Years of working together, and you’re just...You’re out of here?”
Banner was looking right up at him, something in his eyes that made Thor’s heart break a little, but the angry parts of his mind brushed the feeling off.
“I’m...Just trying to be safe.” Banner answered, the words almost seeming rehearsed. It just made Thor more ticked off.
“No,” Thor shook his head, slamming his fist down into the table nearest to him. He stared at the floor, pretending not to see how Banner jumped at the sudden sound. “You’re being a coward, Banner.” he snapped, feeling his heart speed up in his chest.
“Thor, I’m...I’m sorry if I upset you, but I have to-”
“You don’t!” Thor yelled, staring at Banner as he talked now, arms out in front of him as he spoke. “You always act like there’s nowhere else to go- that- that you can’t just stay, you act like you like being alone, is that it? Did all of this time we had together just make you upset, Banner?”
“No, I-”
“Would you rather have just been left on Sakaar? So you wouldn’t have had to go to the trouble of listening to me for the past 6 months?!”
“No, Thor-”
“Have you not changed at all, through all these years? All of these fights? You’re supposed to be my friend! Do you not understand what it should mean that you have a home? I fought so hard for my home, and it got taken away from me! And now- now you’re making me feel like I have a place, that I have a home again, and you want to just leave- Banner, don’t you realize that you have a place here?! You have a home, Bruce-”
“ENOUGH.” The tone in Banner’s voice startled him. Not because he raised it, but because he raised it without a hint of green, without his voice deepening one bit. He was staring straight at Thor now, face red and eyebrows furrowed in obvious anger. “You need to stop acting like you understand my situation! You don’t think I’ve tried to have a home before, Thor?”
With every word, he was stepping back, arms flailing along with him.
“You don’t think I’ve tried to have- to have what we have without feeling like I couldn’t- That I-” Thor could hear his voice breaking now, his own heart breaking along with it. His expression instantly softened, and he held his hands out in front of him, but Banner didn’t stop. “I’ve tried! I’ve tried so hard to have what we have! But it’s not easy! S-staying isn’t easy, Thor- it’s more complicated than that! I can’t stay in one place for long, I can’t get familiar, because I need something holding me down, holding the other guy back, because God, do you know how hard that is now?! You always say we should be preparing for the next time something like Thanos happens, but I’m trying to understand why nobody seems to give a fuck that I’m a monster!”
Bruce Banner was, generally, a calm man- Thor didn’t know if he would ever break. But today, Thor saw him shatter.
After he spoke, he stared up at Thor for a few seconds, eyes filled with tears and horror. He looked down, covering his eyes and letting out a choked sound that Thor recognized as a struggled sob. Any rule about watching his physical contact was broken when he threw his arms around Banner, pulling him as close as he could manage. He felt like he was holding him together, that Banner would crumble away if he let go- (or rather, he was worried about falling apart himself if he let go).
Banner’s arms sliding around Thor’s middle was one of the best feelings the god had experienced. Before he knew what he was doing, he was burying his face in the other man’s curls, trying to hold back tears as Banner’s arms squeezed around him. When he finally let himself break into sobs, there was one thought that was running through his mind- they were a mess.
After he calmed himself enough to talk, he cradled Banner’s face in his hands, moving their foreheads together. Bruce’s face was red, cheeks streaked with tears that Thor gingerly wiped away with his thumb. “Banner-” the first word choked out of him so roughly that it nearly sent Thor into a coughing fit, a tear rolling down his cheek as he formulated the words. “Bruce, please don’t go- please. I can’t lose another home. I can’t-” he felt tears coming to his eyes again, about to pull back until Bruce suddenly grabbed onto his hand.
“I won’t,” Bruce whispered. “I won’t. I’m sorry.”
Thor let his head fall to Bruce’s chest, feeling the other man’s arms once again slide around him, holding him there and stroking fingers through his hair. Thor drew in a couple of shaky breathes, gathering himself before he spoke again.
“B-Bruce, you’re not a monster. Please never say that again.”
There was a pause. “I know,” Bruce whispered. “I won’t.”
“Bruce,” Thor spoke again, never once moving his head away from the other man’s chest. He swallowed hard, throat raw from the ghost of sobs and tears. “I love you.”
There was no pause after that. “I know. I love you too. So much, honey.”
“A-And I’m sorry,” Thor whispered, voice starting to break again as he gripped onto Bruce’s lab coat. “I-I didn’t mean to yell at you- I just- I don’t ever want to see you cry, to make you cry, I just-I didn’t want you to-”
Bruce pulled back suddenly, cupping Thor’s cheeks and pressing a kiss to his lips. Thor closed his eyes, pulling the other man closer against him. He savored every last bit of that kiss- it felt too sacred to pass by.
Bruce pulled back, keeping Thor close and grazing his thumb up and down his cheek. “I know, honey.” he whispered. Thor nodded, and found himself burying his face back into Bruce’s chest. He didn’t feel like crumbling anymore- but that didn’t mean he didn’t want Bruce to hold him together.
He’d been wrong, when he told the Rabbit he had nothing. He had so much more than he would’ve ever hoped for.