"I love you", is the last thing Beatrice gets to say before the Arc closes. She sits on the last step, wondering if Ava heard it, but she knew she didn't, she just stays there, watching Lilith leaving the place through a portal.
She doesn't move, she just stays numb, staring at nothing as tears fall down her cheeks. She feels pain, a new type of pain, she doesn't know how to explain it, but she knows is the pain of loss, she knows Mary felt this way. Beatrice had lost people, but never someone she loved as much as she loved Ava.
Love. Love is everything Ava wanted, a friend, a family, someone; Beatrice feels a pain in her chest as a million thoughts appear in her mind, and still, not a single one formes completely, all she has are vague ideas, thoughts, words. Ava. That's all that she can think of.
She stays still, more tears falling onto the steps, she doesn't move, doesn't make a sound. She's crying, it's obvious, but she's not crying like you would imagine, she's not screaming and punching the floor, she's crying in silence, still shocked at the events.
After a few long minutes, Camila and Yasmine find the hurt Nun, the younger girl runs to her and stops just a few feet away from her, looking around in search of the Halo bearer. She stares at Beatrice, tears on the corner of her eyes, the older girl simply stares back, her eyes saying everything, "She's gone". Camila's leg lose its strength, falling on the steps, putting her head on Beatrice's lap; Yasmine just looks at them, some tears on her eyes, she didn't know Ava well, but the pain her Sisters felt was horrible to see.
As soon as Beatrice feels Camila's head on her lap, she puts her hand on Camila's hair and back, gently stroking; both women are crying, Camila is screaming, grabbing tightly the taller Nun's clothes. They keep crying until they run out of tears, both girls having a bad headache.
With the headache still strong and their eyes red, the three women walk out of that place, Camila holding Beatrice's hand. They make their way to the car they used, every sister stared at them, looking around for the Halo bearer, confused when they didn't see her; they once again stared at Beatrice, seeing the look she had, and that's when they realized that the girl didn't make it out. More tears.
The drive back was silent, Beatrice was still numb, she didn't say anything, she didn't even look at her Sisters, she couldn't.
As soon as they arrived, Mother Superion came out, quickly hugging Camila and Beatrice tightly, happy to see they were alive, as she pulled away she stared at the car, hoping to see Ava come out any second with a big smile, but when she realized that no one else was in the car, she looked back at her girls. Beatrice looked down to the floor, not being able to see the oldest Nun, Camila looked at Mother Superion and shaked her head slowly.
She gasped, tears quickly appearing in her eyes, she once again hugged her girls, not only because she knew they needed it, but because she also needed it. She needed to know they were alive. She needed to know she didn't lose any other of her girls.
Beatrice gently pulled away, going inside quickly, Camila just hid her face in the crook of Mother Superion's neck, grabbing her clothes tightly, her pain was too much, their pain was too much. Beatrice went straight to the room Ava had occupied, gently sitting on the edge of the bed, feeling the sheets to try and feel Ava. But it was useless.
All she could feel was loss, more and more tears kept appearing, she started to see blurry because of the tears, and as soon as she blinked, all of them fell onto the floor.
Camila and Mother Superion went inside not too long after Beatrice, quietly going to Camila's room, as soon as they sat down on the bed, Camila once again hugged the older woman, just wanting comfort, wanting someone to let her know everything was going to be fine. They kept crying, Camila once again screaming, gasping for air and sobbing loudly, she wasn't able to keep her pain inside.
This broke Mother Superion's heart, who quickly started to rub circles on her girl's back until the younger woman calmed down a bit. Once she felt Camila's body relax, she started to move back and forth, noticing how the girl slowly calmed down more and more, tiredness taking over her body.
She gently lied Camila on the bed, tucking her in, right when she was about to leave the room, she felt Camila taking her hand. A silent plea to stay with her, "I need to see Beatrice, but I'll be back soon, you just rest a bit, alright?", said the older woman, Camila nodded her head a little unsure, but knowing that Beatrice also needed Mother Superion; before leaving the room, the older Nun gently kissed Camila's forehead, which caused the younger girl to smile a little.
The walk to Beatrice's room was rough, the old Nun thought about how hard it had been for Mary losing Shannon, how much pain and suffering and tears there were from Mary, she didn't want to see anything like that ever again. But she knew she couldn't avoid it.
She knocked the door of Ava's bedroom before entering, she wasn't asking permission to enter, she was warning she was going in; she went in and sat next to Beatrice, seeing how red her eyes were.
She gently put a hand on Beatrice's shoulder, and before she could react, Beatrice hugged her, doing the same as Camila, hiding her face in the crook of her neck.
Ava had asked Beatrice to live, and part of living was feeling and showing it, so this time, Beatrice wouldn't keep her pain, she would show it. Loud gasps and sobs came out of her, the older woman simply held her, allowing Beatrice to just let go.
They stayed like that for at least half an hour, Mother Superion gently rubbing circles on her girl's back, Beatrice just crying her heart out without holding back.
After a while, tiredness also took over Beatrice, the young woman falling asleep in that same position, Mother Superion knew she needed it, so that's why she just stayed still for a few more minutes before waking up the girl and letting her lie down on the bed. Beatrice didn't complain, quickly lying down and grabbing a pillow tightly, anything that allowed her to feel Ava.
The older Nun simply kissed Beatrice's forehead and left the room without saying a word, she went outside and started to take deep breaths, she needed to be strong for her girls, for Ava.
That night was rough, Beatrice woke up every now and then, hoping to see Ava, she would fall asleep on her side, always looking at the door, hoping to see Ava come in through it, but she never opened the door.
Around past midnight, Beatrice heard the door of the room being opened, waking up, her first thought was danger, but the idea of Ava coming through the door quickly took over; but it wasn't Ava, it was Camila. The younger girl entered the room and looked at Beatrice, her eyes and nose completely red, she had obviously been crying for a while now.
"I couldn't sleep", that's all she said, but Beatrice knew what she meant. She moved on the bed, leaving some space for Camila, who quickly lied down next to her. When Beatrice felt Camila staring at her, she opened her arms, letting Camila hug her, basically melting into her arms.
Beatrice wasn't a fan of physical touch, but she knew Camila needed it. Sometimes she forgot how young Camila actually is, and with all the things they have to go through, it's truly a surprise. And then she thought about Ava, who is.. was, even younger than Camila, her heart ached at that thought.
Camila brought her back to Earth as she slowly rested her head on Beatrice's chest, which the taller girl allowed. The younger girl quickly fell asleep, all she needed was someone next to her to remember that she was alive.
Beatrice couldn't sleep, her mind once again filled with thoughts, everything was about Ava.
She thought about how she would miss sleeping next to her, how she would miss Ava's excited tone when they saw a dog, the movies she liked, the way she would always steal clothes from her. She thought about how much she would miss her voice, calling her "Bea", how much she would miss those sudden hugs Ava used to give a lot.
And she thought about how much she would like a kiss, and how much she would need it sometimes, and how much she would also need an "I love you". How much she would need someone to love her the way Ava did, she knew she would need someone to tell her how pretty and beautiful she is. And she knew she would miss someone to tell her an "I love you".
She regretted not telling it to Ava before she went through the portal, she regretted not kissing her once again, she regretted not accepting Ava's offer to run away, back to the Alps, to live a normal life. She regretted not hugging her more, not joining Ava in some activities, like looking at the stars in the night, she regretted not showing more her feelings, not letting Ava know she had a big crush on her. She regretted not trying to be anything else than friends.
She wanted and regretted so much. But that's all it's gonna be, wishes and regrets. If she could go back to the past and change it, she would. But because she can't, she can only apologize for not saying an "I love you" before.
She doesn't like that her first time saying it, was also her last. She doesn't like that the only "I love you" that was said to Ava, was the "I love you" she never heard.