Bitch I Hope the Fuck You Do
Normally, you would expect a family breakfast to be peaceful and fun in the Avenger’s Compound in upstate New York. That’s incorrect. Very incorrect, in fact. At least, for this family it is.
“Quinn if you don’t get your ass up in 15 minutes I will come into that room and drag you,” Bucky shouts from outside a closed door. Suddenly a pillow flies across the room, smacking the sleeping figure across the head.
“Whomst the fuck, was that,”Quinn grumbles and began to slowly sit up on her bed.
Ari snorts, throwing another one “He’ll drag you by the hair and you know it, dude.”
“Not these precious blonde locks! Dad will kill him, but I guess I’ll get up I’m kinda hungry,” Quinn says, getting up from the warmth of her bed with a groan. She throws on a tank and some shorts. “I’m not impressing anyone, let’s go.”
Ari is already dressed and ready, “Breakfast was ready five minutes ago.”
Quinn blinks, annoyed, “Whatever man, I need my beauty sleep.”
“Yeah, you really do.”
They leave their shared room to walk down the hallway to the kitchen. The usual faces are bustling around the food and dining table. Bucky looks like he’s about ready to smack Steve who’s piling way too much bacon onto his plate. Clint flips another pancake onto the towering platter that Tony takes from him to places on the table.
“Wow Quinn, Ari. It’s nice of you two to decide to finally join us!” Tony shoots the two girls a smirk as he takes his place next to an empty chair, which usually isn’t there.
“It took two pillows and Bucky screaming to get her up.” Ari shrugs, “Who’s that extra chair for?”
Tony glances at the chair in confusion for a second, “Oh that! That’s for my tiny spiderling who’s joining the Avengers breakfast for the first time, he’s in the bathroom currently.”
“Were you finally successful in creating a living thing,” Quinn laughs, “No offence Vision.”
Just as Tony looks as if he’s going to snap at Quinn, a young boy enters the kitchen looking pretty confused.
“Ah there he is! Ari and Quinn, meet Peter. Also known as Spiderman but we technically don’t know that,” Tony introduces the teenagers to each other.
Ari made finger guns tiredly “Sup.”
Quinn turns to Ari, making the worst bugged out face, “WHY DOES HE BRING A CUTE BOY WHEN I LOOK LIKE A TRASH GOBLIN,” She whisper screams.
“Ya know, I can hear you. I, I mean I don’t think you look like a trash goblin and me! I’m definitely, I’m not cute,” Peter stumbles over his words, nervously scratching the back of his neck.
Ari started laughing as soon as Quinn looked at her. “Dude, oh my god.”
Quinn just rolls her eyes and takes the seat in between her parents, “I hate all of you. It’s official.”
She snickers, piling her plate with pancakes and bacon, before sitting next to Clint
“So how do you guys know the Avengers? Do you have any cool powers,” Peter asks, with his mouth slightly full of bacon.
“That’s my dad.” Said Ari, pointing her thumb to Clint. “And that’s my mom.” She shifts
her pointed thumb to Natasha.
Throwing a blueberry and catching it in her mouth, Quinn turns to respond, “I’m generally just pretty badass BUT, Steve and Bucky are my dads.”
Peter looks wildly between all of the parents and the two girls, “Wow, uh, that’s..that’s really cool. I didn’t know the Avengers could even have kids and yeAh, I would probably think I was badass if Captain America was my dad. Not to offend you Mister. Captain, sir.”
Steve laughs at the boy who’s close to flailing as much as his words but Quinn rolls her eyes.
“I was being sarcastic Peter, you’re going to have to get used to that,” She says.
“No one can tell if you’re being sarcastic or not, Quinn.” Ari pointed out, before stabbing a pancake and eating it.
Quinn shrugs, “That’s not my problem. Y'all just need a larger brain capacity.”
“So, the main reason I brought Pete here was to announce something to the three of you. I’ve decided that since he’s joining the Avengers officially, or whatever, that he needs a few more eyes on him,” Tony starts “And that both you girls will be joining him at his high school in New York City.”
Ari groaned out of annoyance automatically.
“I’m sorry but, who the fuck agreed to that,” Quinn snapped.
“Hey! Mister Stark I don’t need protection! I’m totally capable of handling everything myself,” Peter says while dropping several pancake pieces on the floor.
“We already signed your transfer papers. You’re going, it’s not just about you,” Bucky tells Quinn.
“God dammit.” Ari grumbled, eating a piece of bacon.
Quinn gets up from the table, “I’ve suddenly lost my appetite. Enjoy breakfast, spiderboy.” And with that she leaves the kitchen.
Ari watched her walk out, before sighing and finishing her food.
“It’s spiderman,” Peter mumbles weakly before resorting to playing with the syrup on his plate.
“She’ll warm up, she just has trouble with public schools,” Steve assures him.
“So… Where will he be sleeping? Or is he staying where he usually stays?” Ari asked.
“Well we were thinking he could stay in your apartment area, since you’ll be traveling to school together,” Tony replies.
Ari nodded, "Okay." She turned to Peter "Are you done eating?"
"Oh! Yeah, yeah I'm done thank you. It was good," Peter says.
"Okay, good. I'll show you around the compound." She grabbed her empty plate and rinsed it in the sink.
Peter jumped up to follow and stumbled over his seat. He also rinsed his plate in the sink after Ari and then followed her out of the kitchen. "So, do you think Quinn will be pissed about me staying here or, or will it be cool?"
Ari shrugged "I don't think she'll mind, really. She's just had bad experiences with going to school, and isn't stoked about going again."
Peter nods, "Oh, okay. Alright. Yeah, I just didn't want to get off on the wrong foot. So what are you going to show me?"
"Just around the compound, so you get a general idea of where everything is." Ari explained, "I think I have a map somewhere in my room."
Before Peter could respond a blonde whirlwind comes bounding down the hallway towards them, finally dressed in a light pink velvet dress, no shoes, "Alright I'm over my tantrum. We should go to the weapons room first!"
Ari nodded "Yeah, we should. Could show off our collections."
With eyes wide in confusion and a little fear Peter asks, "You guys have collections....of weapons?"
"Yeah, with protective Avengers for parents, there's not much else to do." Ari answered.
"We've been trying to get them to let us go on missions for about a year now, maybe now that you're on the team they'll let us. Come on let's go!" Quinn says.
Ari grinned "Oh, they better!" She chuckled, and followed Quinn.
The three teens quickly make their way down the oversized hallway until they reach the weapons room. Peter looked a little overwhelmed at all of the guns hanging on one wall, each under a different person's name. There was a door that led to a shooting range so that the Avengers could practice, not like they really needed it. Quinn and Ari led the boy to the wall on the farthest side full of drawers that pull out vertically.
"The pink one is mine, naturally." Quinn began, "I'm sure Tony will let you have a drawer as well, it's where we keep all of our weapons."
Ari opened her drawer, shuffling around inside it.
Quinn slid her drawer fully open, showcasing at least 30 knives of all shapes and sizes. A row of brass knuckles in colors Peter didn't even know weapons could be made in. Ari caught his shocked face when Quinn moved her literal claw weapon to the side and laughed.
"Strange collection, isn't it? They're fun to find."
"Is that, those brass knuckles, is that one diamond encrusted?!" Peter squeaks to which both of the girls laugh.
Quinn reaches and grabs it, "Yeah, they're mostly for show but they're still pretty badass."
"Sometimes it's pretty hard to find them, but we do eventually and it's always worth it."
"DUDE, we should spar!" Quinn shouts and Peters eyebrows shoot up, a look of nervousness spreads across his face. "Or actually we should probably show you the apartment area I'm assuming you're staying in with us."
Ari nods. "Yeah, I need to give you that old map anyway."
He nods quickly and the three turn to walk down the hallway once again. Once they get to the apartment area, Peter's jaw drops.
"This is all yours!? This is bigger than my apartment in Queens!" He yells as he runs his hand over the marble counter top of the small kitchen. "That TV is huge oh my GOD!"
"Yeah, I know, right? It's great here. You're room is over there." She points to a guest room.
"We actually go grocery shopping pretty soon because we're low on snacks. I'm sure all the parents will want us to have a 'bonding night' as they call it, before we go to school," Quinn says with a slight eye roll
Ari sighed. "Of course they do."
"S'not so bad. We have like every gaming system, ever. We're both huge nerds so we have a lot of TV shows and movies on DVD, plus Netflix," The blonde tells Peter
He looks at them in awe, "Honestly that sounds freaking fantastic. What kind of snacks should we get? OH! we should build a fort!"
Ari smirked "I like your style. Fort, snacks, and netflix all night long
"Oh yeah. We're going to be GREAT friends, " Quinn says, skipping over to the pantry. "We need doritos, cup of noodle, oreos. I'm running pretty low on peanut butter, all we have is fucking crunchy, who's a slut."
"Crunchy literally tastes like shit with nuts in it." Ari commented.
"You guys are wild. But correct," Peter nods.
"Why is it even in our pantry?" Ari asked. "Who bought it? What kind of scoundrel?"
Quinn shook her head, curls bouncing everywhere, "My dad. The star spangled man with a plan says it has more protein but I'll be damned to Hell before I eat that shit."
Ari wrinkled her nose. "That's gross. What a heathen."
~
“YOUUUR BACKYARD FRIENDS, THE BACKYARDIGANS,” Quinn whisper screams as she hangs off the back of one of the couches in the living room.
With her fist raised in the air as a ‘fuck yeah’ motion, Ari is lying on the floor, face down, and whisper screams along.
“This is the best sleepover I’ve ever been to!” Peter yelled. He’s hanging from the ceiling with one of his webs that’s covered in chocolate ice cream.
“I think you’ve had a little too much ice cream buddy you’re yelling at 2 in the morning,” Quinn laughed.
“Stop yelling they’re gonna find us out.” Ari grumbles, moving her head up to look at the screen.
Quinn goes to roll her body but she ends up flipping off of the couch onto the floor. “I am the strongest Avenger,” She says with such a strong sleepy conviction that Peter loses his grip on the web and falls to the floor next to her.
“It’s sleepy time,” Peter mumbles and passes out on the floor.
Ari laughs tiredly, “haha losers you fell off the--” she immediately passes out.
“You’re all weak,” She says before shifting her feet to lay across Peter because it’s more comfortable than the floor, “Bitchbabies.”
~
“Aw look at the little destructive babies, they warmed up to each other fast,” Tony teases from above the mass of teenage limbs on the floor.
Steve trips over a couple of cartons of ice cream, “How did they even eat this much?”
“We-They’re teenagers, why is the Backyardigans playing on TV?” Bucky asks while trying to untangle his ankle from a sheet.
The theme song starts to play again, and Ari automatically sits up, singing along for a whole 2 verses before passing back out.
“A whole cinematic masterpiece,” Quinn croaks.
Bucky gives her an incredulous look before laughing, “You have a plastic spoon in your curls darlin’, rough night?”
Peter shoots up, “WE’VE GOT THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IN OUR YARD TO EXPLORE-is that a spoon, it still has ice cream on it.”
“What timezone is this? What the fuck?” Quinn asks before getting up, stretching, “Oh, I love when my body cracks in the morning. Makes me feel like glow stick.”
Ari sits up quickly “Where the fuck am I.”
“Monticello,” Quinn replies solemnly.
“Whom.”
Peter chokes out a laugh, “YOU DON’T HAVE THE VOTES.”
Ari joins in “Hahahahahaha”
“We can keep him I guess, he likes Hamilton. Do you cuff your jeans too?” Quinn asks while walking to the kitchen to pour more caffeinated garbage into her corpse.
“Oh, yeah.”
“The Gay Agenda. I love it.”
Steve, Bucky, and Tony all look back and forth at the three teens in the utmost confusion.
“Well, you all of school today so, get ready,” Steve says before the three men make their way to the doorway.
Quinn jumps on the island counter, “Bitch I hope the FUCK you do-”
“You’ll be a dead son of a bitch-”, Ari joins
“I'll tell you that!” Peter finishes.
“Great, now there’s three of them,” Bucky sighs and they leave.
“Oh come on, y’all love us.” Ari grins.
dQuinn walks towards her bedroom door, “Time to get ready for Hell!”