Steve was nervous as hell. He was testifying to the Supreme Court on behalf of his best friend. Bucky was the longest serving Prisoner of War in all of history, and his friend has suffered more pain than any person he had ever known. And he had known some people that went through some horrific things.
In truth, he wanted to talk to Tony before the testimony, but Tony hadn’t wanted to talk to him. Steve understood. He truly did. If it hadn’t been for the promises he had made, and what was at stake he would never have acted the way he did. It broke him to lie to Tony. It broke him to break his heart and break his trust, but Bucky’s life and sanity was at stake.
Tony was strong. He would heal. Steve knew that.
Bucky was shattered. It would be nothing short of a miracle if his brother-in-arms, his brother since the playground ever regained any part of his sanity.
Steve had to take those odds.
For the Howling Commandos. For Peggy. For Howard.
He was the last person alive that knew the truth.
“All rise.”
Steve stood automatically, keenly aware of Tony on the other side of the aisle.
“Captain Steven Grant Rogers has expressed the wish to make a statement on behalf of -” the bailiff raised a brow. “Margaret Carter, Howard Stark and James Buchanan Barnes.”
The Supreme judges also raised some brows. “Will these statements be sectioned or joint?”
“Joint, your honour,” Steve replied.
“Please take a seat and make your statement.”
Steve’s stomach flipped. “I need to explain myself to the world,” he said. “More than anything, I need to explain myself to you Tony. I know that I have hurt you, and that I have betrayed your trust. You deserve a proper explanation, and I am so s-sorry that I am the only one left to give it to you-” his voice broke. “To do that, I’ve gotta start at the 1943 Tech Expo in New York City. It was the first time I met your dad. He was… a lot like you. When I met you, you walked in like you owned the place, all smiles, quick quips and raw intelligence. Howard was like that. I’d say more bravery than brains, but then wouldn’t do either of you justice. ”
Tony grit his jaw and looked away.
“The Howard I knew and loved like family was very unlike the man he grew up to be. Very unlike the man you had to suffer growing up,” Steve said regretfully. “I hope I’ll give you some insight to that. He was just 24 then and… he and Bucky had known each other a while. Bucky was so nervous introducing us, he wanted us so badly to get along. Howard was all bravado, but he was so wrecked with nerves he shaking. These were different times, less tolerant times. Bucky wasn’t just introducing me to a new friend. He was introducing his best friend… to the love of his life.”
The hall broke into murmurs and Tony looked over at Steve sharply, eyes wide in shock.
“A few weeks later Bucky shipped out and Howard was a nervous wreck. From there on, most things are public record. Most things. Two years passed on the front, and your dad was there for the most of it, only left base after we had shipped out on an mission, and always coming back well in time for our return. On more than a few occasions he joined. It drove Bucky mad with worry to have him in the field, but Peggy and I always said he deserved a taste of what he put Howard through on a regular basis. On our last mission to capture Armin Zola, Bucky fell of the train. Howard was shattered. Peggy says h was never the same.”
Steve blinked away tears and paused. “Back then, I made so many promises. To Bucky I promised to never tell what I’ve told you now. To Peggy… I promised to never tell you what happened after. And Howard… from beyond the grave he made me promise to never tell you, to keep you safe, to keep you away from all of this. We knew you were strong enough to carry the weight of your legacy, but with everything… we didn’t want you to. We wanted better for you. We didn’t count on Zemo or the other Winter Soldiers.”
Tony wasn’t looking at him.
“When I was brought out of the ice, Peggy brought me up to speed. Howard was dead. Bucky was live. You… despite everyones best efforts was diving head first into the crazy, fighting for justice and all things good in the world. When you flew into the wormhole, all I could think of was Howard flying into a thunderstorm to save Bucky. You were flying into a wormhole to save all of New York. When the Winter Soldier surfaced I knew it was only a matter of time. Before Peggy died she said Bucky had to know first, and he had to be the one to tell you. On her deathbed she made me promise that Bucky was the one who had to tell you, and it killed me. I knew I was the last person alive to know, and… I knew had to tell you everything I promised not to, but Bucky had to know what he did first. He had to hear it from someone who knew him. Someone who could hold him together.”
Steve took another deep breath, “On the 16th of December, 1991, the Winter Soldier was deployed on his seventh mission to kill Howard Stark. 16th December, the Winter Soldier killed Howard and Maria Stark.” Steve waited for the muttering the settled. “The six deployments previous, Bucky managed to break his conditioning in time. The seventh time, documentation reveals… that through chance, Hydra managed to uncover what Howard had spent his life hiding, and what Peggy spent the rest of her career successfully burying. He had to chose; to kill Howard, or his son be executed by one of the other four Winter Soldiers.”
“It was on his second mission in ‘69 Bucky broke his conditioning enough to take action. This was the fourth time he attempted to escape. It was the first successful attempt. He managed to get to west Berlin, to Howard, before his handlers caught up to him.” Steve took a sip of water. “This is when I have to break another promise. A promise to Howard, and a promise to Bucky. Howard… was born female. He hated every bit of his body and wanted in every way he could to just be… Howard. No one except those the very closest to him knew, and until he became pregnant with you, neither did Peggy or Maria.”
Tony had gone pale and was staring wide eyed at the table in front of him.
“After Bucky fell, Howard was… frantic. Peggy struggled to keep him together. Maria was a godsend, but it was you that gave Howard his purpose back. Once when you were only a few motnhs old Bucky managed to break his conditioning, managed to be lucid enough to know you. To hold you. Howard had a picture of you together. That was the last time they saw each other… for over fifteen years. SHIELD tried to find him, but… as we now know, SHIELD was compromised… and Howard was terrified. Bucky stopped fighting in fear for you, and Howard was falling apart… and distancing himself from the one he loved the most. To all the world… and you as well, you were nothing but an heir. You didn’t get anything close to the childhood you deserved, but they loved you more than they loved both each other and their own lives. The only way they knew how was to make sure you lived long enough for me to tell you for them-” Steve’s eyes watered. He clenched his jaw shut and forced his tears back.
“Currently, Bucky is in cyro at his own request. He can’t tell reality from nightmares. Sometimes he thinks he’s still in the war, and… h—he asks for Howard. He’d wake at night and search for you, out of his mind convinced he can hear your baby-cries. Sometimes he’s seemingly lucid and glowing with pride that his son is in MIT. He worked the docks as a child, despite his smarts, and always wanted something better for his own son. Hydra would bring him out of cyro to tell him, to make sure he knew… to control him. Sometimes he’s clearheaded…” Steve’s voice shook again, “-and he can’t live with the guilt. He wants to die. With Hydra gone he said he can rest now. His sons life no longer relies on his submission.”
Steve took a moment to collect himself and dared glance over at Tony. Tony was clenching Pepper’s hand tightly, and visibly trembling.
“I’d like to read you the last letter Howard wrote me.”
Steve sniffed back tears.
“I am losing hope. We caught a Black Widow, but she has not seen the Soldier since she was a child. A part of me knows James is a survivor like no other, but a part of me fears he couldn’t take it anymore.
I am in such a maudlin mood. Christmas is approaching and I am both anticipating and dreading Tony’s return. I am so proud of him. He is already greater than I ever was.
He is sixteen now. He is so much like James it sometimes hurts to look at him. His spirit is so much like him; mischievous and roguish. You will love him. Ever time he talks, that same timbre comes out, and a part of me finds joy in that a part of James lives on, but another can’t help but think of what he must be going through now. I am a terrible father. I failed him in ever way. The only good thing I ever did was give birth to him. I can’t take much credit for an accident of nature. I hope he leaves my pain behind and does better for himself, and that life treats him kinder than it has so far. I hope he never knows this life of spies, supersoldiers, aliens and SHIELD.
Not knowing is killing me. Fifteen years is killing me. I think the best I can hope for is that he finds someone to love, and grows old with a standard set of paternal issues. Maternal issues. Perhaps if I had been normal, Tony could be happy. I don’t ever want him to now. One part of his life needs to be normal.
Tony is not destined for average. Nothing about him is average. I can feel it in my bones and it fills me with fear. Should James ever be recovered… I cannot imagine what state he would be in. I daydream of waking one morning to James’ dreadful coffee and Tony picking the toaster apart for kicks. But I’m afraid we are all past the point where that is possible. Whatever can be saved for them, I beg you. Please watch over my child. Please keep him safe. Love, Howard”
Steve put the paper down. “I am so sorry for the pain I have caused by keeping this from you. I truly didn’t know another way. I hoped Bucky was still lucid enough to function, but now all I hope is that he can get the help he needs… to get enough clear moments to say goodbye to you.”
The End.