It's a quiet night, what feels like the first they've had since coming back to New York, but it isn't a good night.
Colleen stands in the middle of the kitchen waiting for the water in the kettle to heat up, soaking up the silence and trying to ignore the weird feeling she hasn't been able to shake. Danny is out in the dojo meditating, and has been for a while. It’s almost too quiet, with nothing to distract her.
It all feels strange. When they'd come back to New York, just a few days ago, she hadn't expected any of this. Not those other three - two, now - that they'd met, Jessica and Luke, and not the way the battle with the Hand had ultimately gone. And she absolutely hadn't expected Bakuto.
Bakuto. Her thoughts always seemed to circle back to him.
Idly, she traces her fingers along the cut on her stomach, which is still uncomfortably sore, hating the way her chest tightens at the thought of him. She clenches her hand around the hem of her shirt, trying to force her attention away from it. From him.
It feels surreal. Almost as if it didn't happen.
“Are you still thinking about him?”
Colleen looks up, over towards the door where Danny is now standing. It takes a moment longer for her to process what he said, and she nods slowly, forcing herself to move her hand away from the cut.
“Bakuto, yeah. Yeah, I am. Kind of hard to forget right now, you know?” She answers, frowning, turning her attention back to the kettle as it starts to whistle. It's a good distraction from having to immediately say more, and Danny doesn’t press it. She can tell, though, that he wants her to talk - hopes that she will.
She pours the water into two cups, leaving the tea to steep and leaning back against the counter, the tight-chest feeling still refusing to go away.
Danny has joined her now, standing just across from her in the narrow kitchen, his whole focus on her. It's almost too much, the way he’s watching her.
“I still mean what I said, a while ago, that he's garbage.” Danny says with a half smile, and she laughs slightly despite herself, shaking her head.
“I guess.” she hesitates, moving her hand to rest over her stomach again. She doesn't want to think about the injuries, or Bakuto, or anything that he'd said. But in the few days since that incident, it's felt like all that's been going through her head are the things he said and did and would have done if she hadn't stopped him. It's too much.
“You guess? Pretty sure I'm right at least this one time,” Danny says, and she doesn't fail to notice the way he watches her hand move. Worried.
“It's fine,” Colleen says, knowing he’ll understand what she means. And she's not lying - the cuts on her stomach and back are healing perfectly well. At least one thing is going right.
“Can I look?” He asks, and she almost says no, but hesitates. Because she gets it - that need to check for himself, to get that reassurance. So instead she nods as he steps closer, gently moving her shirt out of the way with one hand.
It’s still red and raw to look at, a wound that will definitely scar, and scar bad. He just gently traces his fingers along it, careful and focused, seeing for himself that it’s fine and healing. When he finishes, he shifts his hands to rest at her waist instead, watching her.
“I'm sorry.” He looks almost sad.
“Danny, nothing to do with these cuts are your fault, so don't even start down that path,” Colleen says firmly, giving him a look. “I’ll be fine.”
“Well, I stand by what I said. Bakuto was a piece of shit,” Danny offers, hands still on her waist, warm and grounding, so she tries to focus on that instead of the way her head is spinning.
She pauses, trying to figure out how to make sense of the mess of thoughts in her head, trying to make sense out of all that had happened. It’s all rattling around and conflicting and weird and even though she’s been trying to for the past couple days, she still hasn’t been able to.
“It's just,” she starts, slowly, “I was a kid when he took me in. And honestly? He was more of a father to me than my own father was.” Colleen almost laughs. “This sounds horrible to say, but,” her throat tightens, “I loved him. I did. I really cared about him, and I thought that he cared about me, too. And I was too stupid to see that he never actually gave a shit about me.” she feels sick saying the words, about making the thought a spoken reality instead of just that - something in her head.
“I just wanted a family - that's all I ever wanted. And he knew that, he used that. My father he… he didn't want me, not really, and when my grandfather died and Bakuto took me in, he was all that I had. He gave me a home, trained me, and I thought he was family. And I thought I had that - a family, with him and the Hand.” she half laughs, but not in amusement. “I didn't realize how fucked up everything was until I got away from him. I was so stupid.”
“No, that's - you weren't stupid, you aren't. It's what you knew. And like you said, you were just a kid.” Danny says, and she meets his eyes for a second, trying to figure out how to explain it, explain everything.
“I didn't realize that the way he did things, that it wasn’t right. Every single time I fucked up, or did something he didn't like, he always had to remind me about how he took me in, how he gave me a chance, a life, gave me everything - I always felt so guilty,” deep breath, “he just, controlled everything. And I never realized it was all messed up, not until now, these past few days. It didn’t really seem all that real before.”
“It was abuse,” Danny supplies, saying the thing she didn't really want to say.
“Yeah.” She pauses, taking in a quick breath. “And even with him gone, now, it's just. He's still here, in my head, all the things he said just going on and on. I know now that they were wrong - that he was wrong - but I can't seem to get rid of it. He's still there, telling me I'm weak, that this will never work, that-” she stops, throat tightening, hating that she feels like crying. “I just can't get him out of my head.”
“You're not weak, you never have been, Colleen. Doesn't matter what he told you, how many times he said it - it wasn't true.” Danny moves his hands to gently cup her face, and she takes a moment to just appreciate the warmth before she meets his eyes. He's so sincere, convinced, and she's pretty sure that he believes what he's saying more than she does.
“You fought him, and won, and stopped him from killing Misty, or Claire. You did that. Because you're strong, stronger than anyone I’ve met. In the end it didn't matter how many times he said that, or hurt you - you proved him wrong.”
Colleen shakes her head slightly. “I just… it's weird. I have so many memories of him, and a lot of them are good ones. Which just seems really, really wrong, now. It doesn’t seem right that in between all of these bad memories, there’s good ones. Is that wrong?”
“No, that’s - that’s not wrong. It’s normal, I think. Sometimes that’s the worst part - that it wasn’t all bad,” Danny answers after a moment, still completely focused on her as he lightly runs his thumb across her cheek.
She tries not to cry again (it feels like she's cried more in the last few days that she has in her whole life). Instead, she leans a little bit more into Danny’s touch and takes in a shaky breath.
“I killed him. I did that - I don't regret it, at all. But I still killed someone. And it feels - strange, because he's gone. He can't come back from that. Before I met you, before I got away from the Hand - that was my whole life. He was my whole life. Everything I believed in, everyone I cared about. And now...”
Now - now, though, she has Danny. And he’s standing in front of her, his hands now gently gripping hers, present and real and not leaving her. She still has her dojo, even if she’s barely got any students, and other friends. It’s her life now. Not Bakuto’s, not the Hand’s. Hers.
“Now?”
“Now I’ve got you. And Claire, and the dojo… better things.” She says softly, tightening her grip on his hands.
She’s not really sure which of them caves first, but the next thing she knows is Danny’s arms are wrapped firmly around her, warm and secure. She tucks her face against his chest, feels him rest his chin on top of her head, and she tightens her arms around him and takes in a shaky breath, not realizing she was half crying until that moment. He doesn’t seem to care though, just holds her tight and lets her cry, the stress and exhaustion of the past days seeming to finally start to fall away, even a little.
Maybe things will be okay. Maybe not immediately, but they will be. She’s got a future now, and it’s hers.
And it’s the first time in the past few months that Colleen has completely believed that.