It was almost always at the same time each evening, except on the days they were rostered on night shift, because then they were already together. The two of them in sync, coffee brewed, snacks made for both, sometimes the suggestion of sitting up on the roof of the Firehouse was welcomed with an eager nod.
But when they weren’t at work the walk was made, and it didn’t matter the weather, she’d walked there in the snow, in the rain, and now in the heat at the end of a summer’s day. Nothing mattered but the destination, the butterflies that filled her being as she made the journey. Sometimes she turned down other plans because it conflicted with her evenings, with their evenings. Sometimes she just didn’t make plans because she didn’t want to be anywhere else but there, walking to the brownstone with the peach coloured flowers in their pots.
As she arrived and jogged softly up the cement steps, she paused at the door, something she did every time, smiling to herself, her eyes gazing at the potted blooms, and she knocked lightly. Her hand hadn’t even returned to her side when when the door opened, the blonde smiling back at her as Erin stepped inside.
‘Are you okay?’
‘I am now,’ Erin replied.
It was the same three words they uttered each visit, a tradition that began the first time Erin turned up at Holtzmann’s door.
The engineer had asked the question the first time with arms open, as a sobbing Erin fell into them mumbling her reply. Holtzmann had held her most of that night, first just in the doorway murmuring comforting words, then on the couch and then in bed. Erin’s heart had been broken yet again and she’d sought out her friend for comfort. Another man treating Erin like dirt, showing her such disrespect and negativity that she would begin to believe what they would say, believing she was always the problem. Supportive words were murmured, tears wiped from eyes as Holtzmann smiled warmly at her, telling her she was amazing and wonderful and perfect, Erin nodding softly at the compliments. Sometimes there was laughter between the two because her colleague always knew the right things to say to make her smile, and sometimes there were just cuddles because that’s all that was needed.
Patty and Abby were aware of these meetups, they’d long given up on their suggestions of all going out in the evening or all hanging out together at the Firehouse. The two women watched from afar as their colleagues slowly became closer and closer, watching as they slipped into a comfortable routine and it was now expected by both Abby and Patty. If the two women weren’t at the Firehouse together then they assumed they were at Holtzmann’s together. Questions were never whispered, nor were eyebrows raised when the pair arrived together in the mornings, coffees in hand. At times during the day Erin would sometimes wander over to the blonde’s desk, making a comment that she’d stop at the store on the way over because she had noticed Holtzmann was running low on milk, or on snacks or on detergent or on Pringles.
The pair almost moved as one at work, thinking the same, laughing at the same things and exchanging little glances. Sometimes Erin would look up and over at the blonde, watching as she would create, destruct, rebuild and focus. Erin watched as the woman worked, her eyes flitting up as she looked at her and then back down to her own work, equations and numbers and theories that were usually easy and simple suddenly taking longer than usual. Holtzmann would do the same towards Erin, when the older woman wasn’t aware she would look over at her, hands busy writing in a notebook, then moving to type on her laptop, the blonde watching with a smile, smirking to herself as she soldered incorrectly again, knowing it was because she was focusing on Erin, because she was always focused on Erin.
Holtzmann always wanted to protect Erin, shield her from the doom and gloom of the world from the men that built her up, made her smile, took her out to dinner and then always tore her down. Always. And Holtzmann hated it, she hated them. Erin deserved better, and she always tried to give her that herself.
Erin’s heart hadn’t been broken in a long time, deciding to swear off dating and she found herself eager to be at the engineer’s door night after night. Sometimes she would spend the night and they’d curl up in bed facing each other, talking until the early hours and then drifting to sleep. They’d stop for coffee or breakfast as they walked to work the next morning, chatting and laughing as they enjoyed their now familiar rhythm.
Sometimes Erin would go home after spending time at the blonde’s, with Holtzmann walking her the three city blocks to her apartment, and as they stopped at the building they’d softly fall into yet another routine.
‘Spend the night?’
‘Not this time.’
Another set of three words they would exchange, with the blonde turning on her heel with a soft chuckle, and Erin would wave her off with a smile.
It had been this way for months now. Neither questioning any underlying motives or even if there were any, and when they were nearing the end of their work day they’d fall into yet another acknowledgment of their night.
Another three words.
‘See you later?’
‘See you then.’
Neither had any other place to be, neither wanted any other place to be.
Sometimes their nights together differed, sometimes if they weren’t watching a movie, then they were chatting over a drink on the couch. Sometimes they’d sit on the home’s fire escape and have soft conversation until the sun rose. Sometimes they’d have an extra large pizza delivered, sinking to the floor of the lounge room backs against the couch and the pizza between them. Sometimes they’d crawl into Holtzmann’s bed talking of their pasts and futures.That was Holtzmann’s favourite, where they fell asleep after climbing into bed, after talking softly as though not to disturb anyone, even though they were alone, it was as though being together was their own little secret. That was her favourite, being able to stare at Erin, trail her eyes over her features, study her face, her beauty and sometimes Holtz would wake up with Erin in her arms. And that was her favourite part. It was Erin’s favourite part too, the way Holtzmann would hold her, it was strong yet gentle, firm yet soft and she loved the blonde’s scent, how it enveloped her, tones of citrus and cinnamon and it made Erin smile, coz it was her favourite smell, Holtz was her favourite smell.
This time though, as Erin wandered through the door and after being asked her usual question and giving the blonde her usual answer, she slid herself onto the couch. The room was dark although a soft glow from light on in the kitchen lit a small batch of the lounge area and Erin grinned at her friend.
‘A movie?
The engineer nodded, closing the front door and launching herself at the couch, landing with a thud next to her colleague. Erin laughed in response as she reached for the remote and turned on the television. Holtzmann grabbed the blanket they used regardless if it was cold and draped it over them.
Erin slid close to the blonde, Holtzmann sliding her arm around her letting her sink into her arms and they snuggled close as they watched the screen in front of them.
‘You pick,’ Erin said, leaning her head more into the woman’s shoulder.
‘You sure?’
Erin nodded and Holtzmann curled herself up a little more, allowing Erin to lay further into her arms and Holtz laid her cheek softly against Erin’s head.
The engineer selected a movie, one neither had seen before and they both watched in silence, Erin letting out the occasional sigh, and halfway through the movie Holtzmann realised she’d fallen asleep.
It wasn’t unusual for Erin to slip into a slumber quickly, and it was one of Holtzmann’s most loved things to happen when they were together. She adored how her colleague nuzzled into her, the way Erin trusted her completely and how it was always inevitable that the night would be spent together. Just as it was inevitable they would always wake together in the morning.
But on the nights Holtzmann would walk Erin home she always declined spending the night there. She never knew why, nor did she know why she said no the first time, and why she continued to. It’s not like it was any different to spending the nights together at her own place, but she had said no the first time and continued to do so. Erin was never offended, it was always just accepted. Erin asked her three words and smiled as the blonde replied with her three, as though they were in their own movie and they never deviated from their script.
As the film finished and Erin continued to sleep Holtzmann pulled her into her arms a little more, tugging a little at the blanket, making sure the woman was covered completely.
‘Take me to bed,’ the older woman murmured as Holtzmann smiled, letting go of the blanket’s corner she was pulling on.
Holtzmann laughed softly, ‘My bed or…?’
‘Yours.’
‘Well come on sleepy head.’
Erin opened her eyes and looked up at the engineer, their eyes locking in the dim light, the television screen fading in and out as it previewed titles on Netflix. Holtzmann gazed at Erin, pausing as she watched the blue of her eyes glisten, and Erin sat up a little looking back at her, a smile forming on her lips and Holtzmann’s eyes slowly moved down to look at them.
‘God you’re so beautiful.’
The sentence had escaped the blonde’s own lips before she could even think and Erin beamed, her line of sight moving down to the blanket as she blushed and then darting back up to her friend. Even in the lack of light Holtzmann was bright red and Erin just watched her.
‘You’re beautiful too you know.’
The blonde didn’t expect that reply and she smiled back, her face free of fear and shock and she smiled again, not making eye contact and then Erin sat up a little straighter.
Neither spoke nor moved until Erin reached a hand from beneath the blanket and she leaned forward as she cupped the blonde’s cheek in her hand, her eyes closing as her lips reached Holtzmann’s and she brushed a soft kiss.
Erin’s eyes opened as Holtzmann’s did the same and this time they both leaned in, their lips touched a second time, Holtzmann’s hands reached for Erin’s cheek and neck, the brunette placed a hand around the woman’s waist and the other to her cheek and their lips melded and touched and kissed. Erin whimpered softly as she inhaled, their lips parting and then finding their place again for a moment before Holtzmann pulled away.
Their hands were still holding the other, their eyes once again locked to the other’s.
‘I think I want to start dating again,’ Erin said with a grin, and she leaned in again, capturing the engineer’s lips in her own, causing Holtzmann to whimper this time.
‘Can I,’ Holtzmann murmured between kisses, ‘make a,’ the kiss deepened and Erin moaned, the blonde pulling away, almost panting, ‘suggestion?’ Erin smiled as the blonde continued, ‘Me, I want you to date me.’
Erin laughed gently, pulling the blanket away from them both in a swift move, her legs sliding over the blonde’s lap so she straddled her, and Erin nodded.
‘I want you.’
Holtzmann’s heart buzzed at the three words, her body awash with goosebumps, and with desire and with relief.
Erin licked her lips, ‘I always have.’
Holtzmann inhaled hard, as if needing to not only hear the words from Erin but ingest them too, absorb them, and really believe what she was hearing, what Erin was saying.
Their lips found each other again as Holtzmann leaned into the couch back, pulling Erin further in by sliding her hands beneath her.
They kissed slowly, pausing at times to look at each other, both knowing this had been inevitable. They had always fit. They had always been a comfort to the other. There was an energy between them, a constant ebb and flow of conversation ,of knowing of unspoken understanding. Of love.
Erin knew she always turned up at Holtzmann’s doorstep because she needed her. And Holtzmann always wanted Erin at her doorstep because she needed her.
Erin pulled away, her eyes trailing down to the blonde’s lips, they were swollen and tinged red and she bit her own lip in response, her eyes wandering back up to the crystal blue ones of the engineer.
Holtzmann inhaled shakily, ‘I love you.’
Another three words.
Three words that Holtzmann had longed to say to the physicist, three words she once uttered in the dark of the night, when Erin was laying next to her and Holtzmann was sure she was sleeping. Three words that she whispered after walking Erin home and she disappeared into her apartment. Three words she was really saying when she said are you okay? And three words she was really saying when she said not this time. And three words she was really saying when she said see you then.
Erin smiled and leaned forward a little onto her knees, dipping her forehead against the blonde’s.
‘I love you.’
Holtzmann smiled brightly as Erin pressed a kiss to her lips, and she slid her hands to cup the woman’s face.
‘I’ve wanted to say that to you for so long,’ Holtzmann whispered.
Erin nodded.
‘I’ve loved you for so long Jill.’
The blonde smiled again, not used to hearing her first name, let alone hearing it from Erin.
‘Jill, can I ask you something?’
‘Anything.’
‘Why don’t you ever come up? To mine I mean?’
Holtzmann shrugged a little, and slipped her fingers into Erin’s hair, tucking strands behind her ears.
‘Because your heart isn’t safe there, that’s where it gets hurt, but here with me, here at my place, here in my arms it’s safe, you’re safe and you can’t get hurt.’
Erin nodded a little, looking down as Holtzmann slid her hands, tiling her face up, Erin’s eyes were a little watery and Holtzmann pulled her down into her, mouths meeting in a kiss. Lips dancing, soft and gentle.
‘I love you,’ Holtzmann whispered as they pulled away, ‘more than there are words for.’
Erin smiled, giving the blonde a quick peck on the lips.
‘I love you too, I started long ago and I’ve never stopped.’