“My beloved temptress, the way you move… such grace… the aftermath of… you’re mesmerizing eye… from a different era… the pink of your hair… can’t help but yearn…maiden fair…”
“The fuck kinda sappy horseshit is this?!” Angel Dust exclaimed after mumbling aloud the contents, or at least what remained, of a badly charred slip of paper.
The other residents of the Happ- Hazbin Hotel paused in their cleaning efforts in acknowledgment of the porn star’s outburst. It had been yet another day spent repairing and tidying up the aftermath of an attack on the hotel. Luckily, it had only been Sir Pentious yet again in an attempt at some kind of revenge on whomever had attained his ire that week. Unluckily, Alastor and Niffty had left earlier that day before the attack, so clean-up was being done the old fashioned way.
Vaggie and Husk swept up most of the dust and rubble, while Charlie and Angel gathered up the larger pieces of debris. Large chunks of broken glass, scattered around and slightly on fire documents… one of which Angel held in one of his hands, face slightly contorted in confusion and intrigue.
“What is it, Angel?” Charlie quickly came over. “What do you have-,” she paused as her eyes perused the page before growing as big as saucers. “Ohmygod! That is so sweet!”
“No it’s not. It’s barf worthy! Look at the fancy stationary and the stupid pretentious cursive! Old man edge lord clearly wrote this!” Angel faux gagged as he relinquished possession of the note to the princess. “And I mean… you can tell who it’s about or to or whatever, can’t ya?”
Before she could answer, the other two sinner made their way over to read over Charlie’s shoulders.
“Considering how old fashioned and gendered “temptress” is, we can assume he’s talking about one of us…,” Vaggie commented with a look of disgust. “And using the singular “eye” narrows it down even more…”
“At least it ain’t you,” Husk said while pointing a claw to the untarnished part of the page. “Pink hair. Your boring grey ass is safe.”
“So a cyclops with pink hair who is here after a battle… that only leaves-“ Charlie was cut off by an exasperated Angel Dust.
“For Christ sake- Cherri! Sir Pent-up-baby-dick has the hots for my gal, Cherri!” he huffed as the others slowly came to the same conclusion.
It made sense. From the turf wars to the hotel attacks, the pink-blonde bombshell was never too far from the fight (and in turn the clean-up). She’d bailed out this time, but thankfully some minute sense of guilt would usually sway her to stick around and help. The banter the two exchanged did often lean towards being flirtatious if not down right sexual in nature. Even if the wannabe Overlord didn’t realize it the majority of the time. They were a classic “opposites attract” power couple!
“Aww, how cute!” Charlie squealed.
“No! Not cute! This is a major problem!” Angel snatched back the love letter, some of which crumbled apart along the charred edges.
“Yeah, a *you* problem. Your girl, your bullshit, as I believe you loooove to say whenever we need you for anything around here,” Vaggie smugly mused. “Besides, don’t you always encourage their back-and-forth? If anything you helped bring them closer together.”
“Well- yeah- but- AS A JOKE! I didn’t think that stick-up-his-ass snake would actually take it for reals or anything (no matter how dense he usually is)! I always assumed he was like Smiles and was another old fashioned non-DTF kinda guy! If anything, he should be writing letters to me from all the shit I’ve been sayin’!” Angel tossed the letter behind him dramatically and marched back to the hotel. He pulled out his phone and furiously typed out a novel sized freak-out-slash-warning text to his bestie. It wasn’t even five seconds later when a Joan Jett ringtone blared from the speakers before he picked up the call
“Girl I know-!” was all they could hear him say before the front doors of the hotel slammed shut.
The courtyard became awkwardly silent, and the three remaining slowly went back to work. The more jaded two of which continued cleaning in announce; not too happy with the loss of an extra set or three of hands. Charlie however did so giddily with something brewing in the back of her mind. She kept her thoughts to herself though. Knowing her girlfriend would probably attempt to talk her out of anything she suggested. Vaggie was a realist… but Charlie, well, she was a hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hope part. And on occasion, she was also a puckish type matchmaker.
———
Sir Pentious, as grandiose as he loved to portray himself, was feeling rather low this evening. Dare he say, as the barmaid serving him so “eloquently” put it, “lower than a snake’s belly to the ground”… He’d been too sad to know whether or not he should have been offended by the remark. Then again, blunt truth usually did seem to cause unpleasantness, which the very colorful colloquialism had indeed caused.
Pentious felt less of a genius mastermind Overlord-to-be, and more of a glorified architect and foreman as of late… Due to the constant rebuilding, redesigning, and re- well- everything of his airship(s) post battle, it felt more like setting up dominos in a line rather than striving forward towards victory. However his constant setbacks (he refused to call them failures!) weren’t the only reason for his melancholy.
It was bad enough his strike on the Happy Hotel of Hazbins ended in vein, but the attack had completely destroyed the majority of his blueprints and document he’d had aboard. He’d admit that was his own blunder, being in too much of a haste to safely tuck them away in his home’s study before heading into the fray. But it didn’t make it any less saddening. All the time working long nights now wasted… and his letters.
Good God the letter.
Which reminded him of yet another element that dampened his mood.
He deeply sighed as he nursed what he assumed was to be his forth glass of brandy…
What saddened him most of the day’s events was not what he had lost in the battle, but rather what hadn’t been, or rather whom hadn’t been there at all. It was childish but feelings of such a delicate nature tend to cause even the most proud of men to become callow. Sir Pent hadn’t had, what the kids would say, “a major crush”, on anyone, gentleman or lady, in what felt like centuries. However, a certain cyclops somehow managed to grow on him and cause a warmth to affect his heart in a way he thought he’d long since become immune.
He’d been toiling on how to express himself. She wasn’t exactly someone who could approach casually and offer the prospect of courtship. So, like the silly little schoolboy she made him feel like, he decided to pen her a note. It took him an entire evening, and a sleepless night, to find just the right words to write. However the object of his affection had not been present when he’d “visited” the hotel. And to top it all off, his letter of love had been lost to the flaming wreckage of his airship.
Yes, his spirits were lower than even Hell itself it seemed. He strongly considered taking the following day off completely, if not to tend to the future hangover he would cultivate from his current actions. There was just so much one man can withstand before having to retreat into slothful solus. Just himself in pure silence with his own thoughts-
“MR. BOSS MAN, SIR!” One of Sir Pent’s Egg Bois waddled from the entrance of the pub towards his master’s place at the bar top.
Sssso much for ssssilence, the snake sinner moaned in his mind.
The minion reached his destination and egg-citedly jumped up and down attempting to gain his boss’s full attention, mistaking his tipsiness as being in disregard.
“You got invited to a party!” it cheered. “The pretty princess told me to tell you about it! She said everyone will be nice and there will be cake!”
Sir Pent scoffed. “Oh really! And why would she every think I’d trust the word of thossssse ssssimpletonsssss at all to fall for-”
He’s slurred words were quickly cut off by the Egg Boi. “Oh! And the important part Miss Charlie told me was *ahem*,” it attempted to make it’s voice higher in pitch, “The pretty lady you like is gonna be there~!”
Now that sobered him up enough to gain up his full attention.
“Really? I mean- how did she-? She couldn’t have- it must have been destroyed in the- …oh dear.” Pentious’s mind moved faster than his words. A sight flush came to his cheeks. If his letter had indeed survived, and his lady love would be present at this festivity… most of the source of his current woes would be alleviated. Dare he say, a moment of hope overcame him.
Slightly drunkenly, he adjusted himself into a more regal posture and informed the Egg Boi to respond in acceptance of the invitation and to send further details to his residents. The other joyed minion, most likely unaware that the invite was only meant for his master and not for *all* of #TeamBossMan, dashed away out the bar and towards the hotel. Sir Pent slowly followed suit in exiting the establishment after haphazardly placing a fist full of currency on the bar top. As he slithered out and began making his way home, any questions he normally would have in preparation for such an event slipped his mind. Instead, he envisioned the future delight he and the alluring one-eyed woman would share in the near future.
———
Everything was set. An excited Egg Boi speedily came back with an RSVP as quickly as it had been sent out to deliver the invitation. Giving a date and time that would give herself at least a weak of preparation to throw together a simple dinner party, she sent it back to its master. Planning and preparing were no problem considering her experience with events thanks to her family and status. It was getting the others onboard with it that was going to be the… “tricky” part.
The easier to convince were likely the newest members of their band of misfits. Alastor would obviously find it a chance for entertainment (even if it would be for all the wrong reasons), and the opportunity to show off his culinary talents with a “not-sinner-flesh-meat-please-god-no” meal all could enjoy. If she supplied at least a few drinks with the meal, Husk wouldn’t mind at least sitting in for most of the event. And as spotless as the hotel already was, cleaning and polishing up to impress would get Niffty fired up and ready to play hostess. Plus having another man around always had her giddy with excitement. Charlie could practically see her bouncing off the walls!
The tougher nuts to crack would be Angel and Vaggie… she hadn’t mentioned her plan to her loving, but all too protective girlfriend for a reason… and Angel’s reaction to the letter was… extra. Even for him. And Grandpa help her in trying to get Angel to convince Cherri to stop by after he’d already “spilled the tea” to her right off the bat.
So. A little fibbing was in order. Although they tended to forget all too easily, Charlie was the daughter of Lucifer himself. Plus, what was a little white lie really when it came to bringing people together with only the best intentions at heart?
To start, it was key to get them to ask her first about when she was doing and planning. Getting party supplies for dinner during the usual grocery run but having Alastor’s shadows help him carry them in separate, asking for Niffty and Husk’s help a little too loudly in the lobby while the others are also around, that sort of thing. And after the third or fourth “odd occurrence”, finally one of the two asked.
“A dinner party? What’s the occasion?” Vaggie asked as she helped move around furniture in the main dinning room. “I didn’t remember anything on the calendar… oh God is it your parents?” The moth sinner tensed in slight panic.
“No! No! No, mom and dad are away visiting friends in the Sloth Ring for some good old R&R. No this dinner is an… olive branch of sorts.”
“Oh God!” Vaggie’s already pale gray skin blanched, “Who is it?” Charlie couldn’t imagine to where her girlfriend’s imagination was running.
“No one (too) dangerous! I just invited Sir Pentious over to see if we can’t hash things out.” Vaggie opened her mouth in an attempt to protest, but Charlie already had a rehearsed response locked and loaded. “Now you know how much extra time and money we tend to spend on repairs after one of his attacks. Just imagine how much *more* he must have to do and spend to continue this cycle of… well… insanity at this point! If we appeal to the logical side of the matter, maybe we can convince him to take the fighting off hotel property? Or even call a truce. No reason we can’t find a civil agreement to all this.
“Pluuuuuuus, knowing he has a crush on a certain someone wouldn’t hurt in convincing him to play nice and stop trying to blow our front doors off the hinges.” Charlie bat her eyelashes.
“…so you want to invite *him* and Angel’s super destructive friend over. Inside the hotel. In a room full of breakable dishes. Sure, why not.” Vaggie sighed as she placed the last of the chairs around the giant dining table. “At least tell me they both know the other is showing up? …they do know that, don’t they, hon?”
———
Later that day, while Angel was still at work, Charlie had Cherri over for “a few drinks”. It wasn’t uncommon nowadays for the explosive enthusiast to be at the hotel without the spider sinner. It was however a little weird for just the princess to be alone with her, let alone ask for her company.
After a few “light” drinks at the front desk/bar, and Husk left to grab more ice from the kitchen, Charlie brought up her proposal. Expectedly, Cherri laughed off the idea, then cringed at the reminder of the “edge lord’s” feelings, but was quickly won over with the free meal and a little something extra on the side.
“Hell fire explosives?!” Cherri practically fell off her bar stool.
“Well, only one. Even I’m not technically allowed to use them unless of a serious emergency. Buuuuuut, I do have one or two left over from our last family reunion. *IF* you play nice and agree to give Pentious a chance, and not to start a brawl, I promise as the princess of Hell to grant you permission to set one off (in a non-populated area of your choosing).”
“Fuck, Char! I’d suck both that old dork’s fugly dicks for a change to let rip one of those bad boys! You got yourself a deal!” The two women shook hands and everything was set for the big night!
Well… all but one thing.
———
Charlie looked over the big dry erase calendar board that hung on the common room wall. Angel usually had his work schedule scrawled in the bottom corner of each day-square, and quickly penned in any “emergency” shifts he had to cover. It seemed the night of the dinner he worked earlier than usual for a weekday evening, which meant he wouldn’t be able to attend dinner. On one hand that was perfect for the situation, especially since he tended to be somewhat protective over his friend when it came to “asshats”. One the other hand, however, Charlie still found she needed to make sure he at least knew that the dinner was happening. In green dry erase marker she wrote down, “Dinner w/ Sir Pent” right above Angel’s work hours. She added a little heart next to the event for good measure.
Whether he would see it or not was still a toss up. Although Charlie was still worried about how much Angel “worked”, his schedule was usually consistent. That is until he would get a text from-
“Hey, princess. Mind schoochin’ over? I gotta write down-,” he paused. “The fuck is this?” One of his slinger fingers jabbed at the new addition to the calendar.
“Before you say anything, everyone has agreed to it and to be civil. I was just about to let you know about it since I knew you wouldn’t be here during that time-“ a finger from one of his other arms smooshed her lips to silence her, cutting her off.
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with that note or nothin’ would it?”
“…maaaaaybe,” she mumbled under her still smooshed lips.
Angel retracted and crossed all his arms. Letting out a sigh, he picked up the pink marker and quickly jotted down a “private” session on one of the squares. “As long as one of ya record anything juicy that happens I guess I’m cool with it. But if he hurts my girl, I’m coming for whatever snakes got for kneecaps.”
Charlie smiled softly. “Of course. Don’t worry. I’ve got everything under control.”
“Sure ya do, Char,” he dryly chuckled with a roll of his eyes. “Just don’t burn anything down while I’m gone. Ya know, without me.”
———
Niffty speedily set the dining table while Alastor finished preparing the side dishes, and Husk set up the mini-bar drink cart. Their guest would be arriving any minute now, and she would be lying if she said she wasn’t excited to have a true gentleman in the hotel. Sure Alastor and Husk were men, and the former was far more dignified than the latter. However, neither were true gentlemen like in the novels she enjoyed. Fancy suits with top hats and the like. Her contractor had his southern charm, but nothing like the more Victorian regality she favored in her stories.
Although others didn’t believe her when she’d say it, Niffty knew the men in her novels were extremely fictitious. She’d likely never meet a real gentleman, especially in regard to the sinners of Hell. But the fantasy before the “reality” was just too fun not to get swept up in.
No one else seemed to be as excited as she was though. Even their other guest, who had arrived early to get a head start on her “buzz”, was indifferent at best. Although Charlie could be considered excited, but she was more of the nervous “things have to go perfect” kind. Vaggie calmed her down every time a new possible issue popped up. However it didn’t take long before something else would trouble the princess and her beau would have to start reassuring her all over again.
As the aroma of Alastor’s perfectly cooked roast beef leaked into the room from the kitchen, the abandoned front desk bell dinged at the arrival of a guest.
“I’ll get it!” Niffty exclaimed as she rushed off.
In the lobby, she was met with Sir Pentious. She noted he was dressed rather spiffier than usual; his goggles had been left at home, his suit jacket was speckled with gold adornments and embroidery. Even his hat looked brand new, and it’s eye showed an expression of freshly acquired pride. It’s wearer however seemed to be rather nervous.
“Welcome, sir!” Niffty greeted. Her echoing voice in the mostly empty lobby seemed to have startled their guest. “May I take your coat and hat?”
“Eh- er- *ahem* I’d prefer you not! I would be rather… nude if you did…” The snake sinner became extremely flustered.
Niffty’s cheeks flushed. “Oh my! So sorry I hadn’t realized!”
“It’s quite alright, missss,” his cheeks matched hers.
“If you would follow me please! Everyone is waiting in the other room!”
She sped off, albeit at a slower pace than she would normally, and Sir Pentious followed behind.
It was dinner time!
———
It was awkward as fuck…
Seating wise, Charlie and Alastor sat at the either end of the table. Vaggie was to Charlie’s right, and on her left was their guest. Niffty was to Alastor’s left and Cherri to his right (sat next to Sir Pent, *wink wink*). Husk opted to hide away in the kitchen, nursing one of the wine bottles.
Theoretically it was a preferable setup. However in practice it couldn’t be more uncomfortable. The guest of honor couldn’t even look over to his left. Every time Alastor attempted to make conversation, which Sir Pent would have been more than overjoyed to engage in, he didn’t even dare look over at the man. Instead is gaze was fixed on the wall behind Vaggie. What made it worse was he did actually look at Charlie when she spoke. Everyone understood why he was doing so, but it didn’t less irk the stag sinner. To make sure he didn’t maim their guest, Alastor had to excuse himself to the kitchen, making the half-true excuse of needing to finish preparing the desserts.
In hindsight, leaving him completely alone in a room filled with women (one of which he was smitten with) wasn’t the best of ideas. Pent was slightly more comfortable when Charlie brought up what projects he was working on, unrelated to rebuilding his airship, of course. It didn’t take long for his “age” to show, however, when he said something casually sexist that offended Vaggie. She kept her mouth shut up until he’d done it more than five times. The moth sinner’s hands slammed down hard on the table before she, as calmly as possible, excused herself to join the others in the kitchen.
Cherri, who had been oddly quiet throughout the dinner, finally broke her silence. By poking Pent with her fork.
“What in the hell are you doing, you harlot?!” he exclaimed.
“I’m still hungry!” she giggled. “And you’re a snack!”
In an attempt to hold her tongue and “behave”, she’d drunken herself silly. At this point, it was clear things weren’t going to work out the way Charlie had hoped. Getting up, she calmly escorted herself and Cherri out of the dining room to get her some fresh air. Giving a pleasing look to Niffty before leaving, Charlie mouthed for her to keep him company, in which she happily nodded in reply.
After laying Cherri down in one of the lower level rooms, making sure she had water and aspirin by her bedside, Charlie joined everyone in the kitchen.
“How’s the train wreck?” Husk asked as he poured another round of drinks for the “Kitchen Club”.
“Still chugging along… at least for now. Niffty is in there with him. Hopefully Cherri will sober up before he leaves… fuck, this could have gone better…” Charlie sat down next to her girlfriend and rested her head on the other’s shoulder.
“I wouldn’t say that, my dear,” Alastor commented as he nursed a glass of wine, already helping himself to some of the cake he’d baked for dessert. “Those two are alone at last!”
“Yeah… the wrong two. Cherri isn’t-“
“Isn’t the one he referred to in his note,” Alastor corrected. One of his shadows oozed from the wall and handed a stack of unopened envelops to its master. “I’d discovered a few of these every so often over the past few weeks and promptly discarded them, but it seems I’d missed one this go-round.” Ripping the seal off one of the letters, he began reading aloud:
“My mysterious maiden,
I know not your name but I yearn to learn it, so I may etch it into my mind and heart. -It goes on like this for far too long, I almost want to vomit… ah! Here!- The way I see you clean the broken pieces of my creations, I can’t help but realize how you’ve cleaned up the broken pieces of my long-since damned soul with your beauty. Truly the best things are held within small packages. I fear I may devour you if not careful due to my damned carnal instincts.
“He keeps on going from there, and the other sheets stained in drivel are more likely similar in fashion. As well as they always ever arrive when Niffty is nearby, and not Miss Bomb. After all, as it’s addressed, that fool at least knows his rival’s name!” The Radio Demon let out a hearty chuckle.
Carefully, the others cracked open the kitchen door to peak into the dining room. Why they saw was Sir Pent and Niffty… having a good time. Dare they say, hitting it off. The snake sinner seemed more at ease, probably due to his companion’s cheerful demeanor.
Elbowing past them, Alastor carried out two plates of generously sliced cake to the pair. He didn’t say a word, however he did allow one of the letters he’d collected “slip” out of his coat pocket. Niffty, of course, dove for it out of instinct to keep the floor tidy. Looking at the envelope for less than a second, she knew almost instantly what it was.
“Oh my! Do you have a secret admirer, Alastor! How romantic~!”
“No, not I, my dear. Rather, I seem to believe this letter of love is meant for you. Anywho, enjoy the sweets~!” Alastor quickly excused himself and joined the others in spying.
Before Pent could realize what she had in her hands, Niffty had opened and speed-read the note. Her cheeks flushed and she sheepishly looked over to the man across the table. “Is this… from you?” she asked from behind the paper.
The normally eloquent Pentious stammered his words, being practically unintelligible. The best he was able to do was nod and mew out a, “yes”. Hopping down from her chair, Niffty made her way over to his side of the table. When she reached him, Pent gazed down, his eyes meeting her one. He looked as if he was going to faint from panic.
“It’s not a mistake or a joke is it?” She held the letter up to him. “You meant this for me?”
“In all sincerity,” he replied, “I would never attempt to toy with the affections of a wondrous woman, such as yourself.” He takes the letter from her and grasps her delicate, petite hand. Gently, he gave the back of it a kiss.
“Oh goodness! Does this mean we’re going steady? Because if I’m getting pinned I’ll need to ask Alastor first, since my parents aren’t in Hell. If he says, no, then we might have to sneak around which would be very hard to do since his shadows are everywhere- oh maybe I could ask Charlie instead for permission! She’s kind of like a mother to all of us. Hold on one second!”
She dashed to the kitchen doors leaving behind a very befuddled Sir Pentious.
“Can I, can I, please?!” Niffty jumped up and down in front of the people peaking through the door.
“Yes! Yes! Of course!” Charlie exclaimed while Alastor gave a simple nod.
With a squeal, she returned and re-placed her hand in his and tried to contain her excitement. “Ok you can ask me.”
“Uh… oh- um- yessss. Miss Niffty, would you do me the honor of-“
“Yes! Yes I would love to! Oh goody! But first you’ll need to take me on a real first date. I don’t think this one counts since it wasn’t really a date just a dinner, so be sure to call the hotel and ask me out. Is that how they did it in your era? No no you didn’t have phones then. Well, I suppose you could just ask in person.”
Niffty was utterly giddy with excitement. And for what seemed to be a rare moment, Sir Pent was speechless but didn’t seem to mind. The others in the kitchen watched on, not exactly ecstatic about this new relationship. But rather happy to see their Niffty so happy. Maybe instead of blowing the door off, the snake sinner would be ringing the bell from now on.
———
“Alright. What’d I miss?!” Angel shouted as he sauntered into the hotel lobby.
“Ange… quiet…,” a hungover Cherri pleaded from the sofa. She’d moved herself to the lobby after waking up and raiding the fridge.
“Hey girl. So… you got a “hot” date?”
“Nuh-uh. Niffty.”
“Oh…. OH! Wow I was way off. Thinking about it those two are pretty good for each other, being old fashioned and shit. But wait a second, what did you end up doing? And how did you even agree to this shitshow?”
“…boom.”
“Boom?”
Slowly Cherri raised her head with mischievous grin plastered on her face. “Ya wanna see something really fucking epic?”
———
All in all, everything worked out for the first time in a long time for the “hazbins”. With Niffty and Pentious “pinned”, damage to the hotel and its surroundings went down drastically (at least until another power hungry sinner decided to shoot their shot). And without having to clean up wreckage once or twice every few weeks, it gave everyone more time to prompt and fulfill the objective of the hotel! They even managed to have enough money for a commercial!
“It’s almost time!” Charlie exclaimed as she huddled everyone around the television. “We’re on right after the ad for Guilt-B-Gone!”
Almost all the hotel’s residents were in attendance and smooshed to fit on the common room’s sofa to watch the TV. Alastor, unfortunately, was among them (being subjected to two of the few things he despised; the television and the invasion of his personal space). Vaggie, Husk, Niffty, Sir Pentious, and Charlie all managed to squeeze in next to the Radio Demon.
“-Guilt-B-Gone; works 20% better than drinking to forget!”
“Shhhhhh it’s starting!” Charlie grabbed the remote and maxed out the volume.
“Hi, I’m Charlie Morningstar, Princess of Hell. And I’d like to-“
Static overtook the screen and was quickly replaced with Katie Killjoy.
“We here at 666 News interrupt this piece of horseshit commercial whatever to bring you breaking news!”
A collective groan echoed from everyone in the room.
“Just a few moments ago, an explosion large enough to take out two city blocks went off in the old-timey territory. Sadly there were zero casualties, but damn if it wasn’t a hell of a blaze! Blue flames are still currently engulfing what appears to be a shitty looking Victorian mansion- oh! And there are some… yes, some of the notorious Sir Pentious’s Egg Bois running like retards out of the seemingly unstoppable flames. What a fry-up, aye, Tom? I don’t see any sunny-side to this catastrophe!”
Blue flames… unstoppable fire… shitty Victorian mansion in Sir Pent’s territory…
“Well, fuck.”
Charlie forgot about her promise to Cherri. At least on the “bright side”, now they had one more resident checking into the hotel.