And Still the Singing Skylark Soared
SEVEN
Mister Hawk was her favorite Avenger.
It used to be Thor because Thor had pretty yellow hair like her Molly Dolly. She loves brushing Molly Dolly’s hair and she’s sure Mister Thor’s hair is super soft just like her doll’s. She wonders if the other Avengers take turns brushing his hair. Maybe when Mister Hawk saves her and Jacob and Mattie, she could meet Mister Thor. Maybe Mister Thor would let her braid his hair. She saw pictures of him on the TV when Mommy was watching the News channel and Missus Bart, the News Lady, was talking about his braids. She had said something about Nurse Braids, but Natalie was pretty sure that Thor wasn’t a nurse. Nurses worked at hospitals and Mister Thor obviously worked at a construction place, because he had a gigantic hammer and hammers were used to build houses.
She bet Mister Thor built the huge tall building in New York City, like the Empire’s State Building, when he wasn’t being an Avenger. She wondered if he’d helped build the Empire’s Death Star, too.
Of course not, that was silly. The Empire’s were the bad guys and Mister Thor was definitely a good guy. She gasped. Mister Thor must be a Jedi!
Maybe Mister Thor knew Princess Leia! Natalie had always wanted to meet a princess! She used to want to be a princess, but princesses had to wear dresses all the time (except for Leia, because she was a Secret Jedi Princess) and they couldn’t go on big adventures and save the world from alien pirates!
Maybe when she grew up, she could be an Avenger! She knew she’d have to be way older than she was now. Like even ten. And then she could be an Avenger and she could help Mister Hawk and Mister Thor fight alien pirates and regular pirates and giant gummy worms. Her dad had told her about the giant gummy worms and their secret belly-on. That was why she wasn’t allowed to eat an entire bag of gummy worms - the giant gummy worms (they were the king and queen gummy worms) would get mad and come and take her into the gummy world and she’d turn into a Gummy Natalie! But if she became an Avenger, she could tell Mister Thor and Mister Hawk about the Gummy Belly-on and help them kick them back to Gummyland and then she could eat all the gummy worms she wanted.
But she couldn’t be an Avenger til she was almost as old as Mister Thor! Besides, they were stuck in the building while it was being stupid with it’s ceiling upside-down and they had to get outside so she could tell her Mommy that she was okay and that Mister Hawk was her favorite Avenger now.
And Mister Hawk could Sign like Mattie could! That was so cool! Jacob was the only person besides Mattie that could sign at her school, but Natalie knew how to sign her name now. It took her a while. She kept forgetting how to do the T. The L was easy and she knew As best because there was two in her name. Jacob said she could just do N, though, and sometimes he just signed J if he needed to.
She tried to remember how to sign the letters on her name as she followed Mister Hawk through the building. It was scary here. They were walking on the ceiling! What if the ceiling got tired of being a floor? Would they all fall? That would hurt! It wasn’t so scary when she tried to think about signing her name, though. She didn’t think about the ceiling as much. Mister Hawk said he could reach lips and he said her name right, but she kind of wanted to sign her name at him, too. That way he wouldn’t ever forget it and when she turned ten, she could go to the tower they lived in and she could meet Mister Tony and she could tell him that she was Mister Hawk’s friend Natalie, and when she signed her name, Mister Tony would know exactly who she was. Daddy even said Mister Tony had a talking robot in his tower. Maybe she could meet Mister Tony’s robot! Did Mister Tony’s robot know Mister Thor was a Jedi?
What if all the Avengers were Jedis? Natalie could be a Jedi too!
She gives a happy little skip at the thought. Daddy had said Mister Tony was a King of Slutting Around. Mommy didn’t like it when he said this. Natalie didn’t know if it was supposed to be a secret but she hadn’t known Mister Tony was a King so maybe it was. She wouldn’t tell anybody, but if Mister Tony was a king, then maybe he could make Natalie a princess! She could be a secret princess!
But she would ask Mister Tony that later. Right now she had to help Mister Hawk get Mattie and Jacob out of the stupid building. It was her responsibility! Mommy called it her Big Sister Progative. Jacob and Mattie weren’t her brothers, but she was older than them by two whole months! And her little brother was at home with her Mommy so he didn’t need her to be his big sister right now. He could share her! Besides, he was only two. He’d probably sleep the whole time she was being Jacob and Mattie’s big sister and never even know she wasn’t his for however long it took them to get out of the dumb broken building.
Her Daddy always said HammerTech was called HammerTech because you kept having to take a hammer to it to make it work. She thought that was supposed to mean it was shit. She wasn’t actually allowed to say shit - it was a bad word - but that’s what her daddy called stuff that was stupid, like the TV channels that didn’t work right and the blender they’d gotten from the grocery store that only worked once and then caught on fire. HammerTech was shit because his building was broken. It didn’t know how to be a building.
Natalie stuck her tongue between her teeth and peered nervously at Mister Hawk. He was clearing a path through a pile of desks and not paying attention, so she ducked her head and, quiet as she could, whispered, “Shit.”
Slapping her hands over her mouth, she giggled loudly, her face getting hot. She’d said a bad word! She looked up to make sure Mister Hawk hadn’t seen her. He was still busy moving desks. She covered her face and giggled hard into her hands.
“Natalie, come on,” Jacob said, tugging on her wrist.
She dropped her hands from her face to see Mister Hawk making his way through the desk path, Mattie right behind him. They were almost outside, she bet! Besides, they’d already gone down through the elevator with her sitting on Mister Hawk’s back like Yoda. They had to be super close to being outside and she couldn’t wait to tell her mommy that Mister Hawk gave her a piggyback ride.
Maybe Natalie could ask her mommy if Mister Hawk could come over for mac n’ cheese night. Mac n’ cheese night was the best night. It was Wednesdays and her mommy mixed up the elbow noodles with the spiral noodles and used a whole huge block of cheese. And the top of the mac n’ cheese was always crunchy and that was her favorite part, but if it was Mister Hawk’s favorite part, she’d share, because Mister Hawk was the coolest and that would mean they had something in common and Natalie could say she was just like Hawkeye and that would just be the best.
When they found Captain America, Jacob and Mattie were so excited, which she guessed was okay, even though Captain America wasn’t even the second coolest Avenger. The second coolest was definitely Thor, because he had the pretty blond hair like her Molly Dolly. He had been her first favorite, but since that was Hawkeye now, Thor was second. But he would understand. Thor was a god, like in the fairytales her great gramma used to read her, and Mommy always said that God was forgiving and kind and wonderful. So Thor would understand why Hawkeye was her favorite now. After all, he got to hang out with Hawkeye all the time when he was on Earth and not up on Olympus (Natalie thought it was Olympus, but that didn’t seem quite right, for some reason. Did Thor know Hercules?), so he knew exactly how cool Hawkeye was.
When Captain America took the lead, Mister Hawk moved to the back.
It’s important that she remembers to call him Mister Hawk. Adults are Mister or Missus, unless they are soldiers like Captain America, or the lady who was her doctor. So Hawkeye was Mister Hawk, since Hawk was the first part of his name, and Thor was Mister Thor because that was all the name he had. It was just being polite, and that was important, her mommy said, and she had to be sure to be polite so he little brother would know to be polite. That was part of being a big sister.
Mister Hawk was walking behind them. Natalie wished he wouldn’t. She liked it when he led. Mister Hawk had gotten them this far. He had saved them from the dark room and they weren’t lost anymore or alone. And Mister Hawk was still here and that was awesome, but now Captain America was leading and Natalie didn’t… like that.
She wasn’t really sure why she didn’t like it, since Captain America was the leader of the Avengers and he did a great job, and she liked him when the news lady talked about him.
But she didn’t like him right now.
So when the window appeared - their way out - she grabbed Mister Hawk’s hand and dragged him with her to it. If he took the lead again, he could lead them right out of the building and everything would be okay.
The crunch of stone beneath heavy feet told her that Captain America was right behind them and she wished he would go away.
He frightened her.
He gripped Mister Hawk’s hand as tight as she could because she wanted him to come outside with her. It was safe outside.
It wasn’t safe in here.
Mattie leaves and Jacob rushes off after his younger brother with only a short backward glance. Mister Hawk tries to comfort her, tugging on her pigtails and making her giggle, but it doesn’t manage to shake that bad feeling, like a sick stomach. She’d drank spoiled milk once and had gotten really sick from it. This was like that, only worse, somehow, because she thought that there was a way she could not drink the milk and make it so she was okay, but she didn’t know how.
Mister Hawk tells her that Captain America is here to make sure they both get out safe, but it sounds like a lie. Not that Mister Hawk is lying, but the words sound wrong to her, like they are wrong, or will be wrong. That Mister Hawk has made a mistake and doesn’t know it yet, and if she just knew what the mistake was, she could fix it. She tries to think about it, to make herself see what the mistake is instead of just hear it in his words and feel it in her stomach, but it only makes her head hurt and she just grips Mister Hawk’s hand in both of her, squeezing as tight as she can. “Promise?”
She wants to drag him through the window. She wants to just pull him out, but her head hurts so bad and her stomach feels sick and she thinks she might throw up.
Mister Hawk tells her to go and she goes, though it takes her a minute before she can make herself let go of his hand, longer before she can get herself to leave. She keeps looking back at him, wanting him to follow.
Then she’s through the window and Jacob and Mattie are there and they all turn to look, because Mister Hawk and Captain America are gonna get them home to their parents.
There’s a groan of metal and a sound like something popping - the feeling a bubblegum bubble popping in your mouth, but the sound instead, like a low, smooth puff. And then the whole building moves, the wall dropping down like a castle gate, and the window is gone.
“Captain America,” Mattie whispers beside her, but no. Captain America wasn’t there.
Someone is crying for Mister Hawk and it takes Natalie a minute before she realizes that it’s her. The pain in her head is gone and so is the stomach ache, because she knows what the mistake was.
But it doesn’t matter anymore, because Mister Hawk is gone.
Jacob and Mattie hug her tight and she hugs them back and all three of them are crying, and Natalie just wants her mommy.
She really, really just wants her mommy.
The emergency services are blessedly efficient. The rescued people are triaged as quickly as Tony, Natasha, and Bruce can get them free from the rubble. The badly injured are taken by a rotating entourage of ambulances, while EMTs and doctors and nurses who crawled out of the woodwork patch up the people who have less dire injuries. There is a group of parents - Tony doesn’t know how exactly he knows they are parents, but they practically put off an aura of protective mother and father - with minivans cycling back and forth to hospitals. Less-injured people who don’t need an ambulance are taken to the further-reaching hospitals. There are cell phones out and people calling the parents of children who sit in a group, comforting each other with the careless sharing of hugs - something only children seem capable of, even in times like these.
They have moved from the surrounding rubble to what remains of the lower half of the building. It is less intact than the collapsed upper-half and they have to prioritize. Besides, Cap is already running through the upper half.
Somehow, there are survivors buried in the rubble, despite the fact that there are twenty-some floors on top of them, but there aren’t enough. They’re still pulling out more bodies than survivors, and by the time they’ve gotten everyone out, they’re all covered in dust and scratches and blood, most of it not their own.
Tony’s headache, a constant thing since he woke up in the rubble, was growing worse, becoming too painful to ignore. He was leaning slightly against Hulk, who could take the weight of the suit, as they stood for a minute and just surveyed the damage.
Tony caught sight of the coroners moving bodies into the back of a truck and thought Who’s going to call their parents?
The thought made him want to cry.
He thought about the parents left behind, the children, spouses and siblings. Who called these people? Who told them the terrible thing that took their family away from them? Who reassured them that at least it was quick?
He remembered that line. I’m sorry, Tony, truly, I am. But take comfort in the fact that it was quick. They didn’t suffer.
That hadn’t been a comfort. Even then, when he still believed Obadiah was a friend, was someone who cared about him, those words hadn’t been comforting. There was no comfort for that news. Even believing in something beyond this world didn’t help the sudden loss of someone who suddenly wasn’t there anymore.
Jarvis was old, sweetheart. He lived a full life. Don’t feel sad for him.
He hadn’t known then, or perhaps hadn’t been brave enough to tell her, that he hadn’t felt sad for Jarvis. He’d felt sad for himself.
Don’t be selfish, Anthony.
Sorry, Mama. Sorry.
He briefly thought of later asking for the names of the victims, but to what purpose? He couldn’t fix things. He could pay for funeral costs, certainly, but that would do nothing. To some, it might even seem like a slap in the face, taking away the last bit of care they could offer their loved ones.
No amount of money could fix this. Nothing could.
Time, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, and Tony laughed bitterly at it.
Time fixed nothing. It only meant you learned to breathe around the ache instead of letting it strangle you, but it never made it go away.
“Come on,” he said harshly, “let’s go find Cap.”
But when they got to the other half of the building, they found Steve already standing outside of it, his eyes tight and face drawn as he helped an old woman into the hands of the paramedics. There were people here who had clearly just been pulled from the wreckage, bruised and battered. There were children crying and people calling out names, and there was the building, shifting behind Steve, crumbling with obnoxious slowness, as though mocking them.
The paramedics helped the old woman into a waiting ambulance and Steve came over, his eyes tired. He didn’t bear any scratches, any wounds inflicted already healed, but he was covered in dust and blood and there were places where his suit had been torn.
“Did you find Clint?” Natasha asked, before Tony could voice the question.
Steve hesitated, then shook his head.
“What?” Natasha asked, her voice cold. She hated waiting for information. Hated having to drag it out of her teammates. She wasn’t supposed to have to work them for it. “Where is he, then?”
Steve glanced at a group nearby, two adults trying to comfort a trio of crying children, and sighed with an exhaustion that was soul-deep. “He was helping some children get out of the building when it collapsed.” He looked up and his eyes were too sad, too defeated, for Tony to listen to anything he had to say right now. No. He couldn’t listen to this.
He turned and walked away.
“Tony!” Steve shouted, but he heard Natasha’s quieter, “Let him go, Steve.”
Tony stomped away, forcefully shutting off his attention from Steve. “Jarvis, search for life signs of anyone still trapped within the building.”
There was a moment of silence, then a quiet, “Of course, Sir.”
Tony put all of his attention toward digging out the source of the glowing blue lights that Jarvis directed him to. He pulled out injured victims of the blast and he pulled out bodies and by the time he had finished, he was shaking so hard that Jarvis was controlling the suit because Tony simply didn’t have the strength.
He reached the source of every light. He pulled out everyone that Jarvis could find.
None of them were Clint, because he wasn’t here.
He wasn’t here.