Chapter 15
Two days had passed in the present.
Two restless days. No one slept. Unable to sleep or even relax.
Charlie was called to come and help. She didn’t hesitate or let her sadness and grief stop her from coming right away.
So, now Charlie, Natasha, Sam and Bruce were studying all the files and archives of the ship in JARVIS’ system. Clint and Thor disappeared a while ago, saying something about getting help. Meanwhile, Castiel sat still on the armchair, trying as hard as he could to keep himself from sinking into the grief and emptiness spreading inside him, threatening to consume him completely. He kept reminding himself that Dean wasn’t dead. And he was currently fighting his way to come back to him. He had to believe that.
“Hey, I found this map but I couldn’t really understand what it is.” Charlie broke the silence suddenly, looking over at her partners.
“Can we see it?” Natasha asked as they gathered around her.
Charlie nodded, then pressed a few buttons and the map appeared.
It was a large white map, filled with black holes, also there were red lines connecting each hole with the other. Next to every hole, there were numbers and symbols, like they were describing each hole.
“That looks like the description Sydney said about the Nil Zone.” Castiel commented, his voice sound flat and empty even to his own ears. He could already feel Nat and Sam’s concerned looks trained on his face but he ignored it.
“Yeah, you are right.” Bruce agreed as he looked at the map in concentration. “But what does these symbols and numbers means?”
“Maybe directions or the time order of each hole in an attempt to understand its nature.” Came an unfamiliar female voice from the doorway.
They all turned towards the owner of the voice. At the doorway, Thor and Clint stood, between them there was a brunette woman smiling at them bashfully.
“Sorry, shouldn’t have barged in like that and talk without warning, I couldn’t help it.” She apologized with a small smile. “Thor and Clint told me about what is happening here and I came to help.”
“Thank you, Jane. We will appreciate your help.” Bruce smiled at her kindly.
Her eyes settled on Castiel and made her way towards him.
“You must be Castiel.” she held out her hand to shake his with a friendly smile. “I’m Jane Foster. Thor told me about you a lot I feel like I already know you guys. I’m sorry we met in such a mess.”
“It was nice to meet you.” he shook her hand but didn’t smile. Didn’t really bothered to try.
She gave him a sad smile before making her way towards the others to check out the time map.
Castiel looked around the room, and just then realized that Steve was missing.
While everyone was too busy to study the map and the other things they found, he made his way out of the room to look for the missing Super Soldier.
It didn’t take him long to find him, since he followed his presence, and like Castiel suspected, he didn’t find him in his and Tony’s room.
He found him in an empty hallway that one wall of it was a floor to ceiling windows that looked over the city, Steve was sitting on the floor, resting his back against the wall as he hugged his legs to his chest and was staring blankly at the windows, tears falling slowly from his eyes.
Castiel was torn between going to him or leaving him be. But he knew for some reason that it wasn’t wise to leave Steve alone right now. They both feel lonely enough.
He made his way to him quietly and sat down next to him in the same position.
They sat quietly for what felt like hours, just staring at the city. Then, when it started to snow, he felt the shiver that ran through Steve’s body even with the warmth of the hallway, and hugged his legs even closer while looking away from the window.
Castiel stared at him for a few seconds, trying to find a way to start talking without spooking him.
“I don’t like the dark.” Castiel started, returning his gaze back to the window, watching the snow. He could feel Steve turning his eyes to him, waiting for him to continue. “I don’t like the stillness. The absolute darkness. Being in a dark, still place on my own.” He looked down then as he felt the emptiness filled him. “I don’t like being alone anymore.” He admitted quietly, feeling Steve staring at him intently. “It reminds me of the Empty. The place where angels go when they die. I’ve been there way too many times. Every time, something wakes me up there, and I fight my way back here. To-to him.” it was too painful to say Dean’s name right now. “But it gave me nightmares sometimes. What if I the next time I die, I won’t wake up anymore there. What if I did wake up and failed to find my way back. Spent eternity in complete darkness and emptiness, alone. No way to see him or even hear him.” he then looked at Steve intently then. “He- Dean helps me through it. He understands it. Sometimes it gets too much to sleep in the dark and he’d let some lights on for me. He thinks that I don’t notice, but I know he does everything in his power to not let me feel alone at any moment.” Castiel’s hand came up to close around the locket around his neck. Dean’s last gift to him. “I am not embarrassed to say that my existence revolves around Dean. Everything I do or say, concerns him one way or another. Without him, I am lost. Empty. Maybe useless even. And I have no idea what I am supposed to do.”
Steve looked at him sadly, with a completely understanding look in his eyes.
“How- how does your bond feel? And what do you feel when you lose each other?” Steve asked carefully in a soft, defeated voice.
Steve Rogers should never sound defeated. It was wrong and completely out of place.
“Our bond is like this warm presence you feel inside. Here.” Castiel explained while gesturing to his own chest. “Something constantly pulsing through you. Reassuring. A proof that you are not alone. That someone is waiting for you, also feeling your presence like you feel his. Sometimes we feel our distress, our joy. The love. And when-“ he stopped to take a deep breath. “And when we lose each other, it is like all the warmth, your soul and your heart ripped out brutally from inside you. Only leaving the remains of what you used to be. That is what I am feeling from the moment the ship disappeared in the sky.”
Steve looked at him with wide eyes, then looked down at his wedding ring, rolling it in his fingers sadly.
“The ring is too still.” Steve murmured softly. Caressing the ring sadly. “T-Tony made our rings. They are connected to our pulses. Tony feels my heartbeat and I feel his. He made them because he knew that I feel relaxed when I hear his heartbeat. It ground me when it became too much. It reassures me that I am not alone. But the ring went still the moment he was gone and I just- I can’t-“ he stopped as a few tears fell from his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing. “I hate the cold. I-I hate the winter. Every terrible thing that ever happened to me, happened in winter. Everything. And I can’t handle the cold since- since the ice. Tony knows. For the past years since I woke up, I didn’t suffer through any winter on my own. Tony was always there. Even when we were just friends, he still never let me deal with it on my own. Never judged me for it. Never told me to man up and handle it. He is just there. Always there. But now-“ he covered his face in his hands and took a few deep breaths. “I know I should be strong for the team. They are also suffering from all of this. I am trying but I am trying to deal with both the cold and his absence. And I can’t. It is too much. He is not here. Might never be able to come back. The ring is too still. And I feel like when I first woke up again. Alone. Cold. And confused. And I just can’t.”
They sat in silence for a while. Both trying to deal. Both were trying to remain hopeful.
“We’re not alone, Steve.” Castiel eventually, managed to gather his strength and looked at Steve straight in the eye. “We’re a family. We’re not alone. We’ll find a way to bring them back. And you know how stubborn they are. They will fight their way to come back.”
“I know.” Steve whispered sadly. “What I am scared about is how long it will take them and-“ he took a deep breath. “And if they would survive it.”