We're Born Alone and We Die Alone
"When I was young, before I joined the church, before I met her, I would lie awake through the entirety of my nights. I never knew where I was supposed to be. Frankly, I stuck out like a sore thumb in every context, and it truly was all I could ever think about. For my entire life, through all the ups and downs, all the familial disappointments, the pressure to be a perfect that didn't feel like me and all the times where I never felt like belonged, all I ever wanted was to be a part of at least one group. One group where I could be me, one group where there was no pressure to be someone else, no shame for who I truly was. I found that, while it was great, I realized something else was missing. I was wrong. It wasn't a group that I so desperately wanted to feel a part of, rather I simply wanted to belong to at least one other person. One person that would become the collective space where I would fit for my entire life. I know to many of you this is something that you've always known you wanted, to love and be loved whole heartedly by another person, but you have to understand, a lifetime of repression and shame living in an oppressive family and then becoming a nun, it was something that I had never even imagined wanting, because I knew it was something I wasn't allowed to have, but really deep down I thought it was something I didn't deserve. But then I met her, and I got my wish. The self-destructive, shame and nihilistic perspective that had made me believe my wish would never come true even when I decided this was the only thing I wanted for myself was suddenly gone, suddenly my wish came true. It's quite fitting that she was the one that changed my philosophical perspective of life per se, as I would come to find out that we related to very different philosophies even though our lives up until our meeting were so similar. She changed everything, somehow everything was different, everything was better, until it wasn't.
Now, six years later, I lie awake at night again, eerily similar to how I did before I met her, yet so different at the same time. No longer plagued with shame or repression, I don't lie awake wishing to belong, because I know what it's like to belong, I've lived it. No longer do I wish to belong, no longer do I want to find my person, I've found them but without them now, I wish to live in a world where I no longer exist as anything. I do not mean to come off as depressing, I merely wish to state the facts, eventually in our lives we begin to cease to exist, we begin to meld into the crowd, because that is the true role of humans in our society when we lose the one space where only you and one other person exist. In all honestly, what I wish to say to you is that nihilism only truly exists in a world in which you either never accept that you become the truest version of yourself when you exist within the one person that pushes you to be you, but when you lose that person, your philosophy of life will eventually change and while you remain the truest version of yourself, you find yourself missing something once again.
I know that it is wholly uncommon for your instructors to be so forthright with personal anecdotes, but I must highlight that the only reason I stand here today is because of her. In knowing and loving her I came to find myself here, teaching each and every one of you why there truly is no escaping nihilism. We simply exist within a full circle experience, an experience that each and every one of you will feel at some point in your life, whether your circle is completed quickly like mine or whether it takes 80 years, I guarantee you it will come.
In taking this class, not only do I wish that you will expand your academic and philosophical minds, but I also hope you will come out of this semester with some knowledge of human nature and what the future will bring."
Beatrice finished her opening remarks, albeit not to the students of her seminar on nihilism and existentialist thought in philosophy that she would be the TA for this year, instead to a very cranky Lilith and an overly excited Camila who had spent the last three hours sat in their small two bedroom apartment listening to Beatrice anxiously revise and rehearse her opening remarks.
"Don't you think it's a little bit dark Beatrice? People will drop your class before you even give them the syllabus." Said Lilith.
Camila, eager to defend and protect Beatrice, spoke, "Lilith! Don't be mean! She's speaking her truth, it's cathartic. And don't for a second fool yourself into thinking that your mind doesn't go to those dark places as well."
Lilith agreed quickly, it was much too early and she was much too tired from listening to Beatrice drone on and on to argue with Camila. Beatrice was now growing impatient, she wanted to make sure her speech carried just the right amount of intrigue laced with enough of her truth, so she asked again if it was okay.
Camila sighed, now joined by Mary who had emerged from the kitchen, "Beatrice it's perfect. It's how you feel, you know the material better than anyone I've ever met, if you think it connects enough to the material then just go with it. Plus, I don't know much about philosophy, but your students literally chose to take an advanced seminar that only talks about depressing old guys who hated the world, I don't think there's anything you could say that would scare them away from your class. Just do what feels right for you."
Beatrice knew Camila was right, she would be teaching a class with a rather depressing reading list, but it was also how she felt and the students deserved to see that although most of what they were going to read was at least 300 years old, it still related to all of our lives.
"Thank you Camila, I'll go with what I currently have, it feels right. We'll just have to wait and see tomorrow how my students react to it and if my class list drops from 45 to 3 students." Beatrice laughed and the others smiled. Shortly thereafter, Beatrice quickly collected her things and moved towards the exit, as she decided it was time to go home, because tomorrow would be a new day, a new day that would bring the absolute unexpected, a new journey in her life.
"We're born alone and we die alone"
Those were the first words Beatrice had heard at her new boarding school in Switzerland. Her parents had just figured out her true nature, although Beatrice herself hadn't truly figured that all out for herself yet, and they had decided to ship her off to boarding school where she would complete her studies and then begin her formal journey with the Church, with the the Order of the Cruciform Sword. Beatrice hadn't really cared that much that she was forced to leave her family and her native London, she never really felt as though she fit in amongst her family or the community that they belonged to, yet she knew that moving to a new country and being enrolled in a new school wouldn't make her feel like she belonged either. She would simply accept her new fate and dedicate her life to a cause that she knew would do at least some good in this world.
That's why, although extremely dark for an opening statement from a high school teacher, the quote rung so true for Beatrice. She was born alone, with no true family that actually cared for her beyond using her to keep up appearances and to fulfill their traditional view of what they were supposed to do in this life. She continued her life so far alone, she never found that one group where she could just be herself, even though she didn't even know who "herself' was yet either, years of shame and repression will do that to a person. Beyond that, she hadn't experienced death yet, so she had no way of knowing if she would die alone, yet Beatrice felt that fitting with the current trajectory of her life, she would eventually die alone too.
It was only one class, at a school that Beatrice didn't really want to be at, she remembered those words that the her teacher spoke that day for a long time. Soon enough it became her favourite class, although most of the times her teacher discussed dark and depressing topics, she felt that for the first time she could relate to something, all the words she had read spoke to what she would come to believe was her true self. Her teacher took a special interest in her as well, recognizing that she had a gift for what the other students called "boring old books that no one cares about," not to mention the fact that she was the only student that could read everything in their original languages, no small feat in and of itself.
So, with her teacher's guidance, Beatrice began to slowly explore the many different types of philosophies, from ancient to religious - something that would please her parents and ultimately come in handy when she joined the OCS - to more modern nihilist. She always gravitated to the dark and gloomy texts, always remembering that quote from the first day of class, remembering that it seemed that that quote would always be her fate.
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Throughout boarding school, Beatrice never wavered from this way of thought, but as she unpacked her things and settled into her new room at Cat's Cradle, she felt like maybe her fate would change. Cat's Cradle was different, it wasn't the cliquey groups of rich girls at boarding school that would most likely follow in the footsteps of her parents, it was more of a sisterhood. As much of a sisterhood as it could get, Beatrice had to remember that this was indeed still a group of nuns that existed to fight demons and defend the Catholic church, but it was still different.
Once Beatrice took her vows and became a full-fledged nun and member of the OCS, she remembered that quote again. She thought maybe now she wouldn't die alone, maybe alone in the sense that she wouldn't be tethered to another physical human being when she died, but now she had God. Beatrice was a firm believer in her religion, but something still didn't seem right. She would never admit it, because frankly it would be blasphemous and she knows better, but having God didn't give her the sense of belonging that she laid awake at night wishing for, something was still missing and Beatrice didn't think she would ever find it.
Beatrice was sitting alone in the dining hall, half eating and half reading some dusty old book that she had picked up from Cat's Cradle's library extremely prominent selection of classical books. She'd only been with the OCS for a month or so, everyone seemed nice but Beatrice mostly kept to herself and her books, she had wanted to keep up with what she had begun to study in boarding school, even though joining the OCS would prevent her from ever further pursuing any more formal education on the topic. Focused only on her reading, barely even touching her food, Beatrice was abruptly interrupted by Mary taking a seat across from her.
"You're new here right kid? I've seen you training but I wanted to come over and properly welcome you to the OCS," said Mary, who was enthusiastically eating her meal.
Beatrice very quickly put on her most formal accent, wanting to make the best impression with her new Sister and spoke, "hello, yes, I am new here, I'm Sister Beatrice. I was recruited out of boarding school about a month ago, but joining the OCS has always been my parents' plan for me."
"Cool, well I've got to go do some firearms training with new recruits, but I'll see you around kid and if you ever wanna do something other than read those dusty old books and hide in the library then you can come find me. I'm Mary."
"Just Mary? Not Sister Mary? Do you wish to be less formal?" Beatrice questioned.
Mary chuckled and smirked at Beatrice's questions, "sure something like that kid, I'll explain it to you one day."
Beatrice didn't know whether to feel offended that her fellow Sister had very slightly referred to her as a nerd that only spent time with books or intrigued by Mary's omission of the title "sister" in her name or happy at the idea that maybe she had found her first friend.
In the months that passed after her first encounter with Mary, Beatrice grew closer to Mary. Mary would help her with firearms training, she'd convince Beatrice to do something other than spend time in the library and she had eventually introduced her to Sister Lilith. Lilith and Beatrice had a lot in common, both from wealthy British families, both smart and both extremely hard workers, in theory they should have got along right away. Yet, warming up to each other took awhile. Both sharing a darkness inside, Beatrice turned to brooding and introspection, while Lilith was quick to anger and very often voiced all of her opinions, but still after time there grew to be an unspoken bond between the two, one that no one else at Cat's Cradle could quite understand.
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A year had gone by and Beatrice, Lilith and Mary had become a close knit group - but they still lacked what Beatrice wished for in some aspect -, they trusted each other and they worked closely together with the Halo bearer Sister Shannon. A little more than a year into her time at Cat's Cradle, Beatrice very quickly remembered what Mary had said to her about being called just Mary rather than Sister Mary, in fact it was when she noticed just how close Sister Shannon and Mary were. It confused her at first, how were two vow taking nuns of the Catholic church this close? Was it not forbidden? It was when deep in thought contemplating these ideas that Mary interrupted Beatrice once again in the dining hall.
"What's up kid?" Mary asked.
Rather abruptly and without Beatrice's usual formal and rather politician like speech she asked, "You and Sister Shannon, you are rather close. How is that allowed?" Both Mary and Beatrice knew what she was implying and fear of being too forward and abrupt built in her mind.
Mary was quick to snap her out of it by answering so nonchalantly, "Yeah we are. You remember when I said it's just Mary and not Sister Mary?"
Beatrice was weary to answer in fear that in some way or another her years of repression would find a way out and in turn offend Mary in some way. "Yes, I do remember."
"Well, I was never a nun, never took the vows. There's just too many things in my life and about me that don't agree with what the church teaches, but still I'm completely dedicated to the cause of the OCS, I just could never take on an official role within the order or the church. So really, I'm just like a contractor or something you could say." Mary spoke with such ease, as if she knew that Beatrice would understand everything she was saying without even thinking twice, it was as if she knew something that not even Beatrice knew herself yet.
Now more comfortable with the situation Beatrice spoke, "So these things in your life, I presume that one of those 'things' you're referring to is Sister Shannon?"
Mary sighed, "Yeah, it's complicated, Shannon is a nun and it took us awhile to get here, but yes."
"I hope you know I understand, well actually I don't understand, as I've never been in your position before, but I respect your decisions and you as my friend as well. Thank you for telling me Mary." Beatrice was not a judgemental person and in no way would she ever judge Mary for what she had told her, but Beatrice found herself wondering why it was so easy to accept Mary, but so difficult to accept herself. She ultimately decided it was just her, Mary was different, being born alone and dying alone was not applicable to Mary, Beatrice was alone in that notion.
"I know kid, I always knew you would understand." Mary said as she got up to head back to training. Beatrice didn't know what to make of the interaction, the parting words Mary left her with left her questioning more and more about herself.
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The rest of the year went quickly, Mary, Lilith, Beatrice and Shannon became Mother Superion's favourites and Beatrice had even come to be one of the OCS's top warriors. Their little group even added a new member, Sister Camila, an energetic, young and technologically savvy nun. With the addition of Sister Camila, their group felt nearly whole for Beatrice, there was a sort of balance and comfort that she never had in her life prior to that. Each of her friends became a sort of found family, more of a family than her own kin had ever been, but no matter how comfortable, Beatrice still felt as though something was missing, she was still perpetually unknown, because none of the girls would ever be able to know who Beatrice truly was deep down.
For awhile everything was good, they all worked together as a team, completing missions and training new recruits. Beatrice would still exile herself to the library every night for a little while to keep up with her reading, trying to make her way through all the greats over the years. Everything was good. That is until everything all of a sudden was not good.
The group had been sent on a mission, a rather routine mission, no one had been especially worried, but when they were ambushed by armed mercenaries armed with divinium riddled bullets everything went sideways quickly. For a group as skilled as this one, usually a fight like this would not have been a problem, but when simple surveillance switched to an ambush, the girls found themselves struggling to find their footing in the fight. Everyone had taken serious hits, Mary's shotguns couldn't do the trick, Camila's technological prowess couldn't work quick enough to find them an opening, Lilith's strength was not enough to combat bullets, and Beatrice's tactics and agility with a staff wasn't working either. The ambush left Sister Shannon and the halo nearly wholly unprotected, and unfortunately for the girls they realized she was vulnerable to the attack just a moment too late. Shannon had been hit, multiple times, by divinium bullets. Beatrice, ever the realist knew that it was too late when they reached Shannon, she knew that neither them nor the halo could save her. Uncharacteristically, Beatrice froze for a moment, completely losing focus on the battle, she thought about how this would affect Mary. Mary, her first real friend. Mary who she knew would now suffer half the same fate she would, she would have to die alone too, because she knew Shannon was not going to be with her when the time came.
Beatrice was quickly snapped out her contemplating when Camila shouted, "We need to retreat now! Sister Shannon needs to be brought back to Cat's Cradle immediately!"
Upon hearing Camila's words they all acted quickly, with Beatrice and Lilith holding off their attackers while Mary and Camila brought Shannon back to the van. In what felt like an hour of holding her breath, they were back at the Cradle with Shannon in the infirmary, Mary shouting orders for the head of the infirmary to do something, but they all knew there was nothing they could do. Mother Superion and the head of the infirmary knew what had to be done, when Shannon agreed they decided they would proceed with removing the halo. Lilith and Camila said their goodbyes to Shannon first, and then Beatrice. Beatrice had not been extremely close to Shannon, but she felt heartbroken at the fact that in minutes Shannon would be gone forever, heartbroken for Mary. Then came Mary, a goodbye that was all too difficult for Beatrice to watch, her gut wrenched at the sight of Mary losing who she knew was her person, namely the thing that Beatrice herself would come to realize was what she was looking for herself.
The halo was removed and Shannon was gone. With not too much time to grieve the girls moved to fall into a defensive position, as they knew that the fight had followed them back to Cat's Cradle. Mary, fuming with anger and grief led the charge into the fight.
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It had been a long night, the warriors had ended up ridding Cat's Cradle of the attackers and had each resigned to their rooms rather quickly. Beatrice didn't sleep that night, her mind was plagued with guilt that she couldn't spare Mary from the fate that she had now fallen victim to. She awoke in the morning to Camila banging on her door.
"Sister Beatrice! You have to come quickly, Mother Superion require our attention immediately!" Shouted Camila.
Beatrice quickly got up and made her way to Superion's office, she was met with dishevelled looks from Superion, Camila, Lilith and Mary.
"Sister Beatrice. We have some rather upsetting news. It seems that in the heat of last night's battle, one of our nuns made the decision to implant the halo into the back of a recently deceased young woman who's body was occupying the morgue." Said Mother Superion.
Beatrice utterly confused spoke, "so we have a new halobearer? This surely must be a mistake, Lilith is next in line to receive the halo."
Lilith, visibly angered by the notion that someone has stole the halo out from under her said, "indeed I was next in line, but it seems some have other plans."
"Okay, so despite the fact that the halo should be with Lilith now, we must begin training the new halobearer, we cannot have an unfit bearer, it is simply dangerous for her and the order itself." Beatrice spoke so very pragmatically.
"That is true Sister Beatrice. We do have an issue though. It seems that our new halobearer has fled Cat's Cradle and we have yet to locate her, I trust that you and the rest of the girls will be able to locate her quickly, bring her back to Cat's Cradle and begin training, yes?"
"Of course Mother Superion. I will begin immediately, we will have her located as soon as possible."
Beatrice felt herself slightly angered by the fact that they had managed to lose the halo, the halobearer and Shannon all in 24 hours, yet she knew she had a job to do, so she pushed her anger aside. Little did Beatrice know, in 2 days, when her and the team found the halobearer and managed to bring her back to Cat's Cradle, her entire life would change. In 2 days, Beatrice would change entirely and seemingly, so would her fate.