insomnia talks
Ellie
Quinn and Ellie continued quietly talking on the porch. Although Ellie usually has a hard time talking to people, especially about Joel, with Quinn it just seemed tremendously easier. Whether it was the encouraging looks or constant nods, Ellie was able to talk to her and feel slightly less closed off. It pleasantly surprised her.
“Well,” Quinn says eventually. Ellie was surprised to see that it was nearing one o’clock in the morning. She noticed people slowly trickling out of the pub, but with Quinn in Ellie’s entire focus, she barely thought anything of it. Quinn stands up from the seats that they moved to before turning to Ellie with a small smile. “I’m heading back.”
Ellie nods, standing up as well. The soft yellow porch lights cast shadows on Quinn’s face, her features warm and inviting. Ellie blinks a few times and shoves her hands in her pockets.
“Do you…” Quinn starts, glancing back and forth, “do you want me to like, walk you home?” She smiles awkwardly, and Ellie chuckles. The question of why Quinn offered flits through Ellie's mind, thinking it was slightly strange, but Ellie quickly discarded it. She's just being nice.
“I’m okay. Thank you for offering protection,” Ellie teases, bumping Quinn with her shoulder. Quinn laughs, and then mock salutes.
“Anything to protect the Immune One,” Quinn mocks in a fake-sergeant voice.
"Right," Ellie snorts as they make their way down the steps. They’ll pass Quinn’s apartment on their way to Joel and Ellie’s place.
The night was quiet, the only sound of the frozen dirt crunching under their feet. The moon was especially bright, casting a blue hue over Quinn’s dark hair.
“Here’s my apartment,” Quinn says awkwardly, stopping in front of the decently sized building as if Ellie’s never seen it before. It occurred to Ellie that she’s never been in Quinn’s place before, out of all the years they’d been friends. Not that it mattered.
“Goodnight, Quinn,” Ellie says, looking at Quinn. Quinn was looking at the sky, lost in thought, before turning her head to Ellie and giving her a lazy smile. Ellie felt herself slightly blush and she internally cursed.
“Goodnight, Ellie,” she says, voice barely above a whisper, and then nods before entering the building, leaving Ellie alone.
Ellie blows out a breath, shaking her head, before turning down the road.
When Ellie opens the front door, she sees Joel sitting on the couch. Ellie was taken aback, but she sits on the other end of the couch without a word.
“Can’t sleep?” she asks. Joel lets out a dry laugh, resting his head on his hand.
“Yeah.”
They were silent for a second, a thought turning over in Ellie’s mind. She decides to go for it, bite the bullet, and get it over with before she loses her boldness.
“Joel, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, kiddo,” he gruffs, rubbing his eyes. She swallows, slightly bristling at the nickname. Despite his laidback facade, she knew he was on the defense.
“Did you only save me from the hospital because you missed having a daughter?”
Silence.
She thought, for a brief moment, she didn’t hear him and maybe she could just pretend she didn’t say anything, but he sighs and drops his hand, glancing at Ellie.
“It’s not just because I missed having a daughter,” he says, quietly. “You are one. To me. And I would miss you.”
Ellie stiffens. She’s played with this idea before and has definitely thought about it when they were younger, but never ended with a solid feeling because her anger would flare up. Not a daughter. A replacement.
“If Sarah” –-Ellie notices Joel immediately tense, giving her a look that resembles anger or pain, she’s not sure–- “wanted to die to save humanity, would you have respected her wishes?”
“No,” he whispers after a beat of silence, his voice cracking.
“So you don’t respect either of us.”
Joel gritted his teeth, refraining from spitting every vulgarity and “How dare you”s he could manage, turning to Ellie. Ellie stares at him, trying to force herself to finish this conversation she started.
“I just don’t think I can live without you,” he says slowly, taking careful measure of every single word he says. He barely survived living without Sarah. Although he hates to admit it, he depends heavily on his family. If that makes him a selfish bastard, so be it.
“You’ve managed without Sarah.” Ellie knew this would cause him to react harshly. He stands up, pointing an accusing finger toward Ellie.
“Can you stop?” he asks, raising his voice. “Why should I have to lose both of you?”
“So you’re selfish,” Ellie counters, crossing her arms. Joel’s finger drops and he drags his hand down his face.
“Yes.” He merely confirms what Ellie already knows. But Ellie was scrambling, trying to pinpoint what exactly she wanted out of him. She’s not sure if Joel has ever thought about anyone besides himself, doing whatever he can to save his feelings.
“Listen,” Joel says, putting a hand on his side and covering his eyes with his hand. The moonlight leaked through the windows, exaggerating his features. It seems to just now strike Ellie how much older he’s been looking, how he’s gone on fewer patrols and staying here with Tommy and Maria. “I…I’m sorry.”
Ellie blinks.
“I’m sorry, Ellie, that I didn’t respect you. Or your wishes. Or whatever you wanted to do. I’m sorry I’m selfish.” He brings his hand away from his face, looks at Ellie. “But I’m not sorry for saving you. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing.”
Ellie’s eyes stung. She wasn’t sure if the tears were from anger, hurt, a sliver of compassion, or what, but she hated that they were welling anyways. She blinks fast. “I don’t know if I’m going to ever forgive you.” She meets his gaze and her resolve almost cracks. “But I’d like to try.”
Joel closes his eyes as if gathering strength, and nods. She pretends to not notice his glassy eyes or the shaky voice. He has to, he needs to be content with that, or else whatever valley between them is just going to drift farther and farther apart. “Okay. I’d like that.”
She sighs and puts her elbows on her knees, feeling suddenly exhausted. She looks back up at Joel who made his way back to his end of the couch, staring at nothing.
“I just think space is what I need,” Ellie says, and she notices Joel’s face harden. She scowls. “I know, it’s very hard to do, apparently. I’m not asking for a lot.”
Joel doesn’t say anything, and Ellie gives up, counting her blessings because at least he apologized.
“Okay, Ellie,” he finally says as she stood up to make her way to the back door, eager to go to her little apartment and knock out on the bed. She stops and peers at him.
“Do you even know what that means?”
Joel lets out an irritated sigh.
“I think I can figure it out.”
Ellie continues walking, and as her hand reaches the doorknob, she stops and pauses, looking over her shoulder.
“Night, Joel.”
A pause.
“Night, Ellie.”