I love him first
Bucky slammed the laptop down after Steve said the sweetest goodbye. Steve was smiling dreamily at him, and Bucky almost winced in front of him. He looked forward to that video call, but now he didn’t know if he ever wanted to see Steve again.
It was the first time he contacted Steve after he remembers. He wished he was there with Steve, he could use all the help, being in rouge and hiding from the government, but it’s not safe to go outside, not safe for the world, Bucky is still a functional weapon. And though they say Hydra has fallen, he doesn’t believe that. Cut one head, two shall take its place. Bucky believes that solemnly, he’s been on the inside,
With off weighted body, Bucky makes his way from his tent to the palace. He’s still getting used to having only one arm, he takes off the other one because it hurts, and Shuri decides it’s better to take it off.
Two Dora Milaje is guarding the gates of the palace, waiting for him, they knew he has an appointment with Shuri and they let him in and guide them until they reach the lab.
“Barnes! Just in time as always!” The teenager said without looking away from her desk, tinkering with something tiny.
“Wait at the bed, I’ll be there soon.”
Bucky did just that, laying his body on the medical bed, staring at the contraption above him. The Dora Milaje accompanying him, Ayo, is talking to Shuri, and the conversation lost in the background. Bucky felt empty, he pushed out the thoughts that pained him, the things that latched on like a grappling hook to his flesh he ignored completely. What came out of that is an empty shell.
“Whoa! What’s with that frown?” Shuri popped into his vision.
“It’s my resting face.”
“Are you seriously pulling that excuse with me?”
Bucky didn’t say anything, and Shuri just pressed her lips at the man. She pressed some buttons on the panel on the towers surrounding the bed. Lights going all over his head, and Shuri runs a few scans.
“Okay, so I may need to knock you out a bit for this part, I’m gonna scan your brain.”
Bucky closed his eyes and put on a gas mask over his nose and mouth. He lets himself sleep. The feeling of fading out is like breathing for him, he’s used to this feeling back when he was the Winter Soldier.
Bucky is calm, but his mind still knows that there’s fear now that he remembers, that he would wake up in a room filled with hydra operatives, tied to a chair. They would say the words, and Bucky will be gone, and Winter Soldier is operative, ready for the mission.
Bucky wasn’t really passed out, his consciousness is there, but only languidly.
Then he woke up with Shuri’s back on him.
“How does it go?”
“Well, I found out how to make you not affected by the activation words, but it would take a lot of time.”
That’s cool, Bucky has a lot of time, anything at all to deactivate the Winter Soldier from him completely.
“And your new arm should be done within a week and should be less painful.”
Bucky smiled at that, that’s plenty generous of her. He nods and mumbled a thank you.
“If that’s all…”
“Wait” Shuri cuts, “If you’re coming back to your tent, I’m coming with.”
They went back together, still with the Dora Milaje, two of them this time. It takes a few weeks to get used to them following him. Bucky was not used to be under watchful eyes, he was the watchful eyes. But the best Bucky could do now is get used to it, and play nice, because T’Challa is already kind enough to hide him in Wakanda, even after he killed his father, The King didn’t hold any grudge against him.
A new arm and they’re fixing his mind, and as soon as he’s fixed, he’ll go right back outside, with Steve.
Shuri didn’t split up and play with the kids when they arrive at the depths of the forest like Bucky predicted.
“Not going to teach the kids today?” Bucky asked, respectfully without any tone indicating he wanted to be left alone. The kid is actually a fun company.
“Nah man, I’m here for you!”
“Me?”
“Yeah, what’s up with you today? I scanned your brain and found that you’re extremely sad today.”
Bucky scoffed, “Extremely sad might be a little overrated.”
Shuri raised an eyebrow “I know what I see, isn’t today is your vidcall with Steve right?”
Bucky blinked, wide eyes staring down from his shoulder, “How do you know that?”
“Who do you think let the connection from the outside to connect to a device in Wakanda?”
Noted.
Bucky takes a few seconds walking with Shuri, he guesses it wouldn’t hurt to tell Shuri.
“I would tell you, if you can keep a secret.” Bucky smirked at the teen, who lit up like cackling fire.
“I’m great with secrets! So are they!” Shuri pointed at the two Dora Milaje still following him.
Oh yeah, them, Dora Milaje don’t gossip, right?
“I’m just kidding, leave us.” Shuri said to them, and they waited outside of Bucky’s tent, and as soon as Shuri sits down Shuri rambled on the progress she made, and Bucky listens in as he boiled a jug of tea for them.
“Now that you have all the data you wanted to know, do I go back to cryofreeze?”
“That almost sounds like you wanted to go back being a frozen popsicle.”
Bucky shrugged as he poured two cups and put it on the desk, one by one, he only has one arm.
“I think it’s safer that way, I’m not fixed yet.”
“You underestimate the safety of Wakanda?? The world didn’t even know we existed, right now, you’re dropped off from existence.”
Yeah, Bucky knew now that Wakanda has the most advanced technology he has ever seen, and Bucky has seen a lot. Doesn’t make Bucky any safer though, one thing he knew from evil men, is that they will never stop to look for power, and Wakanda has a lot of it. It’s only the matter of time… Bucky wished he won’t get jinxed.
“Spill Barnes! What got your pretty face in a tangle!”
Bucky scoffed, pretty face? that’s a first, he’ll take it.
“I, like you said, chatted with Steve today, for the first time since I said goodbye to him when I went to Cryofreeze chamber.”
Shuri asked with a quirky smile, “Awww you miss him?” Shuri wiggled her eyebrows, and Bucky nods.
His eyes stare vacantly at his hands, remembering dearly of his memories, “Of course I do, only recently I remembered completely about him, I’ve done so many bad things, I beat him half to death from that day when Hydra and SHIELD fell, I ran away from him. He believed in me when I didn’t even know who I was, or who he is, but he stuck with me, till the end of the line, he said, I remembered now that I used to say to the same to him back then.”
Bucky smiled at the memory, those were not the easiest memories, with the war and Steve’s parents being dead and all. Bucky was all he had, and Steve is… Steve was just his little ball of justice that he admires. Steve was his idol, he has all the courage Bucky could only wish to have.
“Bucky?” Shuri leaned forward, finally calling Bucky that nickname, he already told her that she could just call him Bucky, but only now she used it, and she even has a sympathetic smile to match.
“You like him, don’t you?”
Bucky pressed his lips, tightening the grip on his hands, “I do, a lot.” Bucky cracked a weak laugh, mainly because he’s laughing at himself.
“Even before the serum, back in school, when he got into a fight because he was protecting this girl from a bully, even though he was as scrawny as a stick, and bad lungs to top that, I knew I wanted to be his friend, it grows from there.” he can’t thank Shuri enough for bringing back those memories to him.
“Things were tough then, fancying your male fellow is a damnable sin, and I have a career in the military, and I wouldn’t want anyone to hurt Steve.”
“Fuck that man!” Shuri boomed, surprising Bucky, “This is the 21st century! You could be gay with Captain America if you want!”
“G-gay with…” Bucky gaped at her, and laughed on her face, “I might be gay for Steve, but Steve isn’t gay for anyone.”
“How did you know when you never asked him! Even best friends still have things they don’t know about each other.” A good argument from Shuri there, but Bucky also have a solid one.
“Before I remembered, I saw him kiss a girl, she’s pretty, a niece of a girl he used to fall in love head over heels with. I was happy for him, such a nice guy, getting his girl, but now after I remember what he is to me… I couldn’t anymore… can’t help but think it isn’t fair”
Bucky looked down to his hand, to the half-empty tea as they reflected Bucky’s face. Shuri is right, he’s a sad white man.
“I love him first, but he was never mine, I know that.” Bucky sighed defeatedly, “Steve’s is my best friend first and a crush second, I’ll get by.”
Shuri gaped, “You use the L word.”
“What?” Bucky narrowed his eyes.
“You love him.” Shuri pointed at him like it was a breakthrough or something alien, Bucky did think of that too, back then, but he has come terms with it. He likes a man, and he loves Steve.
“Yeah. I do. It is what it is.”
Bucky shrugged, watching Shuri made a pitiful face at him, shaking her head and click her tongue, “What a sad sad emo white man…”
“Yeah yeah, sad ol’ me.” Bucky shrugged, eyes looking right at Shuri and smiles till it reaches his eyes, “I can’t thank you and T’Challa enough, hell, I can’t even thank Wakanda enough.”
Shuri lifts her head to raise a curious eyebrow at him.
“You make me remember again Shuri, I clung to those memories so hard back when Hydra tried to brainwash me, I’ve never been that afraid before, that I’ll lose the memories that made me, Bucky…” and those were the memories when Steve still dependent on him, though he was more than happy seeing Steve have the strength he deserves, but those were when they were still so close, those were the good times despite all the hardship.
But Bucky didn’t say that, or he’ll add another adjective in Shuri’s nickname for him.
“You’re a sappy sad emo white man.” too late.
“So that’s what makes you sad? Seeing Steve and knowing he won’t be yours?” Shuri asked again, her chin on her palms.
“I think that’s part of it, it just felt like I lost him. He’s out there in the world, without me helping him, one day he’ll find a nice girl and settle with a family, and then there’s me…” Where I’m nothing without him, though he’ll be my best friend, is it such a sin to just want more? But Bucky held back that thought too.
“This is so much better than Twilight.”
“Shuri!” Bucky extravagantly gasped and shoved her shoulder and they giggle together.
“What! I’m serious! Two bulky military dudes, best friends from ‘the bottom and now we’re here’ style, almost 100 years of one-sided feelings, things are not getting better than that!”
“You’re not helping me Shuri” Bucky rolled his eyes on her.
“How am I supposed to help when you’re already giving up!”
“Help me move on! I don’t know…”
“You really think you could forget him when you wanted to go rogue with him the second you’re fixed? Ahhh, I could practically see you running into an evil lair, guns blazing, smiling at each other as you went ‘PPAPAPAPPAPAPAPAPOW’ with your machine gun. No way you’re moving on.” Shuri started snapping her hands, Bucky couldn’t even take her seriously with that dramatic flair.
“Still not helping Shuri!” Bucky still laughed at her, at least she helped him cheered up.
Shuri huffed, shaking her head pitifully at the man “What are you going to do Bucky?”
“Just being okay enough to stand beside him is enough for now.” Bucky smiled, and Shuri just couldn’t mirror that.
“Fine then, let’s get you fucked up brain fixed!”
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