Logan kicks his leg up and sets it on his coffee table, wondering why the hell he even has a coffee table, but that’s a mystery for another time. “Someone tape me to a roomba,” he announces. He’s bored and will do anything for something a little chaotic to do.
Kamala runs in, and Logan sighs. Yes, his insane adopted daughter who will also do anything for a little chaos. “SNIKT SNIKT FURRY FATHER, I SHALL TAPE YOU TO A ROOMBA.” Logan rolls his eyes, snikt snikt, he got her into making that weird noise when imitating him.
But he asked for the chaos, and he’ll get his chaos. “Do it then!!”
She stretches her arms and makes her hands big to lift him up off the sofa, startling Logan. She didn’t have to pick him up, she just had to ask him to move to the roomba before taping him on.
“Oof–”
“OOF?” He glares at the top of her head. “Kammy, are you calling me–”
She drops him onto the roomba. “Metal bones!! You’re heavy.”
It’s only when Dr. Banner says “Why are you…” he pauses, “okay,” that Logan notices Banner was in his house in the first place. He doesn’t focus on Banner long because Kamala stretches across the kitchen to grab the duct tape with the least amount of effort. He raised her right.
Once he’s tapped on, she turns the roomba on and screams, “Fly snikt snikt furry father! Fly!!”
Tony Stark walks in and Logan probably should pay more attention to him, considering Stark is his ex, but he’s on a roomba and couldn’t care less as his snikt snikt knives come out of his hands. The roomba moves around the room slowly, probably because it wasn’t designed to hold a fully grown man with metal bones on it. He starts humming the jaws theme and he definitely didn’t wake up this afternoon thinking this was going to happen.
He hears Kamala shout, “Mr. Stark!” and wow, he really needs to teach that girl to yell a little less.
Stark doesn’t take his eyes off Logan, confused as to how the guy he dated all that time ago turned into this. “Yes?”
“Can you make a bigger, more effective roomba for snikt snikt furry father?”
Bruce answers before Tony even gets a chance to think about what the girl was even asking. “Tony, no.”
Logan looks insulted. “You just said no, to Kamala. My daughter.” He glares at Banner. “Bitch.”
“Yeah!” Kamala shouts before dabbing violently. Logan stifles a laugh. Okay, maybe he’ll let the shouting problem go.
Stark pinches the bridge of his nose. “Why would I want to do that anyways?”
Logan, who knows he probably looks stupid as he rides around a roomba slowly scratching the backs of his own sofas with the knives coming out of his hands, screams, “Because! Fuck you, that’s why!”
Banner groans. “Tony, please. Refuse.”
Logan grins. “No actually, fuck you.” He winks at Stark.
Stark gives Logan a look. “I have someone else to satisfy that need right now.”
“I…” Kamala looks for a quick excuse as to why Stark should make a ultra version of a roomba. “I’ll rejoin the Avengers if you make the roomba.” She looks down. “Cuz, y’know, I quit and everything.”
Banner thinks faster. “We have enough Avengers as it is, so no.”
Kamala’s jaw drops. “HEY.”
Logan shouldn’t find it funny, but the Hulk just insulted his daughter. “Savage,” but watching the conversation resulted with less attention on roomba’s path around the room and he hits a wall and falls off, the duct tape ripping. “FUCK.”
Banner sighs and Logan squints. He better not hulk out in his house.
Kamala jumps onto the roomba before Logan can try to get back on and makes her hands big, punching Stark in the face. “FISTS OF FURY!”
Jessica Jones walks wearing a distillery as a perfume and Logan looks up at the smell. She takes one look at the scene in front of her and stops. “I wish, for once, that I knew what was going on.”
Stark makes eye contact with her, the entirety of his face turning purple with bruises. “Follow me to the kitchen. Logan keeps his alcohol there.”
Said owner of the home sits up quickly. “Holy shit. Booze. Forgot I could be chugging that right now.”
Banner groans again. “Is there anything even strong enough to erase these people from my mind?”
Kamala jumps off the roomba. “NO! Snikt snikt furry father, stop!” Logan continues walking to the kitchen, ignoring his daughter, but she didn’t allow that, extending her arms and picking him up and dropping him back on the roomba.
“NO! Free me!” Logan screams, shocked that his daughter would betray him like this.
“SNIKT SNIKT!” Kamala shouts and Logan realizes that he’s raised a monster.
“DAUGHTER. WHY?”
She points at Stark. “Must snikt snikt Mr. Stark!”
Logan cringes. He’s done with chaos now. The roomba exhausted him. “Kammy, please. I want booze.”
Kamala looks insulted. She stops pointing at Stark and instead points at Logan. “No fraternizing with the enemy!”
Logan hears Stark going through his kitchen and he looks away from Kamala, ignoring her again. “Stark, there’s only kerosene and dish soap in there. The real booze is buried under the tree.”
Banner looks like he was done with the day way before the day started. “You know what? I think there’s some scotch in my car,” he states, walking out the door with Stark following him.
Kamala stretches and lifts up the tree, pulling it straight out of the ground. She smashes the beer with the other hand.
Logan falls to his knees. “NOOOOOOO!!”
Banner continues to the car, talking out his alcohol while ignoring the scene to his side.
Kamala dabs before remembering to shrink and hits another tree, taking it down. She notices Banner taking out his alcohol and picks up his car and throws it down the street.
Bruce turns to face Kamala slowly, the veins in his neck turning green. “Excuse my language,” he starts slowly. “But what the HECK?”
Kamala dabs again, this time hitting and breaking a window in Logan’s house.
Logan’s knives come back out, but he knows he’s not going to hurt his daughter. “GODDAMNIT!”
Logan forgot Jones was still there until she sighs deeply.
Bruce looks around, trying to not hulk out. “We could… go to the nearest gas station?” Kamala smashes the gas station across the road without thought and Banner continues slowly, “Or… liquor store?”
Kamala picks up Banner and puts him on the roof of Logan’s house as Logan himself goes back in his house and starts chugging kerosene and dish soap.
“Wha–” Stark starts, unable to finish his question out of shock.
Kamala picks Logan up too and puts him on the roof next to Banner.
Banner sighs. “You know what?” He pulls out a bag of weed and a lighter.
Logan stops drinking kerosene when he notices the weed. “Shit dude, share.” Banner rolls the blunt as Logan begs, “Please.”