Chapter 5
michelle
In a matter of four hours, Michelle fucked her life up royally. Even though refused to play any of the party games that made her spill her guts and or made her drink excessively, she did both of those things. Gwen was making Michelle feel guilty by just existing tonight, and she needed something to build courage. Michelle actually needed a lot.
She probably wouldn’t have had that much to drink if Peter wasn’t hanging around her all night. If her drink got empty, he’d ask if she needed a refill, and if she, for a mere second, looked lonely in the corner he’d tell her to dance with him and Gwen. Most likely, it was her doing. Gwen has always wanted Michelle to be more vibrant at parties, and she knows that she’ll do it if Peter asks.
The first hour and a half was fine, actually. Michelle got a boy’s number, and despite the fact that she knew she’d never call him, it felt good. Harry Osborn. He was so pretty that the angels would cry if they saw him, but Michelle can’t stand guys with an ego like his. However, he told her she’s beautiful. He tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and said, “The stars have competition,” and even though Michelle isn’t sure if he meant the stars in the sky or the stars in Hollywood, she didn’t really mind.
But then he leaned in for a kiss. She pushed Harry back and he stumbled over a coat, then fell and almost hit his head on a table. Michelle apologized so many times she lost count, and he still gave her his number after that.
Still, she’s not going to call him.
Michelle danced a bit. She ate pizza with Ned in the corner while they talked about his plans for Homecoming. She watched as everyone else played Never Have I Ever, and as Peter got supposedly hammered because he’s done the most out of everyone. Everyone gasped when they found out Peter’s ran from the police before. Who would’ve guessed that second in his class Peter Parker would run from the cops?
If she had to pinpoint when exactly the night became a disaster, it was when everyone stopped playing the game. Gwen had to run to the bathroom, and when she did, Michelle pulled Peter aside.
He wasn’t drunk. She knew that, he knew that, but everyone else didn’t, so he had to poorly act like a drunk man. “WhatsupMmmmm?”
“I’m really sorry, Peter. I have to tell Gwen about us, okay? Cool.” Her stomach flipped into her throat when she said it. If that was hard, then telling Gwen is going to be twenty times harder. Michelle turns to walk away as soon as she lets out the last syllable, but Peter grabs her wrist.
“Are you-- Michelle-- what the hell?” He scowls at her as she tries to free herself from his grip. Peter isn’t hurting her or anything-- she just didn’t want to look at him longer than necessary. “Do I have to remind you whose idea it was so keep us a secret?”
“Yes, apparently. I wanted to keep us a secret from strangers,” she points to everyone else in the room in a manner she realizes is unneeded. “Not to our closest friends.”
“Ned only found out because--” Peter stops himself from finishing when he stares at something behind Michelle. She turns around and sees Betty walking up to them. “Follow me.”
He drags her into the hallway connected to the kitchen. Peter ducks under the tape that holds up the “Party people: DO NOT ENTER” sign, holding the tape up for Michelle, still holding onto her wrist. They walk into Gwen’s room.
“He only found out because he walked in on us making out. It was eating me up inside not being able to tell him for three months, and now you’re saying he could’ve known the whole time?” Rhetorical question. Peter knows Michelle’s answer to this. He’s ready for an argument that Michelle is ill prepared for.
She stutters out her words. “N-No, that’s not what I’m saying!” Michelle keeps her distance from him; his back is against the door and she’s across the room, leaning against the window. “I’m saying that eventually I would’ve been ready to tell him. Anyways, I have to tell Gwen. I feel like--”
“Like what, Michelle? Shit? Do you feel like the worst person in the world for keeping a secret like this from someone you care about? Because in case you forgot, I’m going through the same thing you are.”
“I know that,” she says through her teeth. “You specifically asked me not to tell her, and I’m over it, Parker. Every time she talks about the girl before her, and how Peter loved her, and how Gwen worries if she’s going to live up to her. I can’t sit through another one of those fucking conversations.” Michelle is light-headed, and her throat is closing up. She’ll never get used to yelling at Peter.
He’s silent for a long time. Peter walks a few feet forward until he sits down on Gwen’s desk chair, and then he slowly churns himself in the chair. “I’m sorry about that,” he eventually says. “I never should have dated your best friend.”
“I told you it’s fine.” It isn’t, but she’s trying to convince herself that it is.
“It’s not. Last summer, Michelle, was the greatest summer of my life.”
“Peter--”
He shakes his head and launches himself off of the chair. As if building up courage, he gradually walks up to Michelle. “Let me finish. I felt like everything was finally right in my world, y’know? May just got promoted, Spider-Man hadn’t gotten his ass beaten in a long time, and I was so… so…” Peter searches for a word, the right word, a word that would make up for a year of separation.
“Serene?” she offers, and the lights in his head turn on and he takes another step forward.
“Thank you. I was in a state of serenity whenever I was with you, M. Every touch, every…” he lets out a deep sigh, “kiss, was making me feel lucky to be alive.”
“Stop it, Peter.”
“I’ve never felt that with Gwen,” he goes on, ignoring her. “And last night I came over here to break up with her. I really did.”
“But you didn’t. You came over and told her you’d go to Homecoming with her.” She wishes to hate every word that’s coming out of Peter’s mouth, but she loves it all. He was going to break up with her. He misses being with her. He was happiest when he was with her. He misses being with her.
“She practically pounced on me when I came in! Kept saying over and over how much I mean to her, and I felt so guilty. And then thirty seconds later we remembered about this party, so I didn’t have much time to think it through.”
“Whatever, Peter.” Michelle crosses her arms and scoffs. If she pretends like she doesn’t care, will he leave? The good person in her wants him to leave.
Every other part of her wants to kiss him.
“Listen, Michelle. No matter what you said back then, no matter what I said back, I’ve never stopped caring about you like that.” Another step closer. If she reached out arm’s length, she could run her fingers through his hair. “I have never stopped loving you.”
“Stop it, Peter.” Tears are starting to well up in her eyes.
“Even after every time you yelled at me, after every time you almost broke my nose, after you told me--”
“Shut up, Peter. We aren’t talking about it.”
One small step forward, and his hands fall to her hips. “When you told me that I killed my uncle.” Michelle loses it now, and she starts sobbing uncontrollably. “I know you didn’t mean it,” Peter whispers, “It’s fine. It’s okay.”
That was the last night Peter and Michelle were a “couple,” or whatever you would call them. Michelle had just snuck out of her apartment after another horrid fight with her father, and went to Peter’s for comfort. She cried, he held her, and when she stopped, he said he loved her. Michelle is ashamed of herself for how the rest of the night went down. She can’t remember how they got to that point where she told Peter that. And when she did, god, she had never seen Peter mad like that in her whole life.
They ignored each other at school for a few weeks after that. Peter didn’t show up for Decathlon practice, but apparently he did during the three days Michelle was sick. And then after Thanksgiving break, it was almost like nothing ever happened. Not the argument, not their relationship. He sat next to her at lunch and told her about his disaster of a Thanksgiving dinner, and she called him a loser, and they were right back where they were six months before.
Peter wipes the tears off of Michelle’s face. “Why couldn’t you just let me love you back then?” he says, dangerously close to her.
“I didn’t want you to,” Michelle lies. She’s never wanted anything more than to have Peter Parker love her. “I told you--”
“Stop using those ‘rules’ as a shield, Michelle. Tell me the real reason.” Peter stares holes into her eyes.
“Because…” she starts, and feels Peter’s hands shift from her hips to her lower back. “I don’t deserve it. I’ll never deserve you.”
And in an instant, Peter kisses her like it will prove her wrong. His hands roam her body as if they never left. Her shock eventually wears off, and every rational part of her that is screaming “stop” is washed away when Peter kisses up her jaw and whispers raspily in her ear, “I love you.”
She kisses back. Michelle never thought that it would be different than it was a year ago. He’s more tender with her, more passionate, and it feels like he’s trying to hold onto every part of her and never let her go. Michelle forgot how his fingers twirled the hem of her shirt, and how he didn’t care if he lost his hand in Michelle’s wild curls. And she forgot how euphoric the whole experience is. Peter Parker letting loose and being assertive is what Michelle lives for.
Except, as Peter kisses down her neck and unbuttons her top, she feels sick to her stomach. There are pictures of them-- Ned, Peter, Michelle, Gwen-- on the windowsill just staring at her. A picture of Gwen kissing Peter on the cheek when they all went to Coney Island together. A picture of Gwen on Michelle’s back from last Easter. A picture of Michelle painting Ned’s toenails. It’s making her feel so guilty. Rightfully so, obviously, and it makes everything so much worse that she really doesn’t want to stop.
Peter notices Michelle stiffen. “You okay?” he says, his thumb rubbing her cheek, his puppy dog brown eyes that make her melt wide with concern.
She nods in return. One more kiss and she’ll leave. Then, the one more turns into another, and another, and another until Michelle loses count. She won’t be able to face anyone after this, especially Gwen and especially herself. Every kiss, although making her feel better than she has in a year, is making it harder to face herself when this is done.
Suddenly, Peter’s phone goes off. “Dammit,” he whispers breathlessly into Michelle’s mouth, and it sends shivers down her spine. “I’ve gotta go, and uh,” he stutters, his lips still grazing Michelle’s, “you know, whip around town and stop-- stop, uh…”
“Bad guys.” She nods, her hands holding the back of Peter’s neck.
“Right. Bad guys.” Peter closes the gap between them one last time, passionately sweeping her off of her feet, and puts her down a few seconds later. “Call me later?”
“Yeah, after the party ends. Promise.” She watches Peter pull the window up.
“Cool. Bye, MJ.” With that, he swings to another building, his mask already on.
Michelle buttons up her shirt as she watches him go further in the distance. “Love you,” she solemnly whispers to herself, and as soon as she says it the full weight on the situation crashes down on her.
She slides down the wall Peter had her pinned against and thinks she’s about to cry again. They are horrible people. Michelle has just betrayed her best friend by making out with her boyfriend. Gwen is never going to talk to either of them again, the whole school will know and they’re probably going to hate Michelle, too, but not Peter because he’s a guy and also Peter Parker, one of the least hateable people at Midtown. She’s going to have to wash “whore” off of her locker while everyone laughs at her.
Michelle throws her head back and hits it against the wall. And now she’s just thinking about herself. Not Gwen, who Michelle has just hurt immensely. Gwen, Michelle’s only girl friend, who is one of the nicest people she knows. Her best friend. The girl who tried to help her get over Peter, and didn’t pry when Michelle said, “It doesn’t matter” when Gwen asked who it was. She made Michelle cookies and let her sleep at her house when things with Michelle’s parents got really bad, and she didn’t need to know why she needed a place to sleep, she just made room in her bed and gave Michelle a long hug when she layed down.
And Michelle has, like she always does, ruined everything with someone she cares about.
“Peter, Michelle, are either of you in here?” Gwen’s voice says from the otherside of the door. She opens it just enough to peek her head in and see Michelle sitting on her floor. “Oh my-- MJ, what’s wrong?”
Gwen falls to the ground next to her and throws her arms around her friend. “N-Nothing,” Michelle answers. Gwen obviously doesn’t believe her, but she doesn’t push.
“You button your shirt wrong,” Gwen giggles. “Are you upset because none of my clothes fit you? Oops, that sounds bitchy-- I just mean that I shop in the petit section and you’re a tall goddess.” She smiles brightly and fixes the buttons on Michelle’s shirt. “Anyways, do you know where Peter is? The people want cake, but I need you two out there for it.”
“Peter left. An emergency for Aunt May.”
“I didn’t see him leave. Besides, he would’ve said goodbye.” Michelle hates dancing around the topic of Spider-Man.
“He-- He went down the fire escape. Said it was faster.”
“Peter was in here with you?”
“Well--” Michelle is fully prepared to lie to her. But when she looks into Gwen’s blue eyes, Gwen’s trusting and loving blue eyes, Michelle’s overwhelming guilt overcomes her. “Gwen, I have something to tell you.”
___
peter
MJ: don’t come back to the party and don’t talk to gwen
MJ: she hates us
MJ: i’m so sorry peter
Peter practically got his ass handed to him by a couple of measly robbers because he was so preoccupied with the relentless thoughts going through his head. The first few hits he took he was fine with, because oh god, how he deserved to to get hit. But after a while, and a head slam against a wall, he was sick of it.
Uncle Ben would be ashamed of him. Peter doesn’t know what came over him tonight. He can explain last night; Peter’s never been good at saying “no” to someone when they look at him like Gwen looked at him, with eyes so hopeful he didn’t have the heart to say what he meant to tell her that night. But maybe that meant he had to give Gwen another chance, because MJ would never be with him again. Then, tonight she said that she’s going to tell Gwen everything, and Peter got scared. Scared because that meant Michelle was officially done with him, their little secret would no longer be something they kept between them, and if she told they would be one hundred percent over. They maybe would never talk again. Michelle would feel in debt to Gwen and try her hardest to make it up to her, because Michelle would do anything for her friends.
That’s just what it felt like to Peter.
So, he did go in that room with her to convince her not to tell Gwen. Those were his only intentions. However, then she said, “Every time she talks about the girl before her.” When she said that… Peter doesn’t really know why he told her all those things after that, he doesn’t know why he didn’t stop talking when MJ asked him to, and he really can’t explain why he felt so good while he was kissing her. He realizes how immoral and wrong it all was, and afterwards he certainly does understand and feels all the guilt he’s supposed to be feeling, but during-- during he never wanted to stop.
But now he feels like shit. He couldn’t really explain it in any other way. There are no words for how much Peter hates himself right now.
PETER: what happened at the party? i left early
NED: gwen HIT MJ
NED: she was yelling at her and shoving her and mj kept saying she was sorry or something idk then she hit her and kicked her out
NED: mj and i are at my house. she won’t talk to me
NED: what’d you do. i’m assuming this is your fault btw, it kinda always is
He’s right. Peter hovers over the keyboard on his phone, unsure what to say next, and decides he should call Michelle first. He calls, no answer. Then again, and again. She doesn’t answer.
PETER: is she okay?
NED: she’s locked herself in my room and i think she’s been crying
NED: i don’t think she wants to talk to you
NED: that means don’t come to my house, peter
That was going to be Peter’s next move. Ned, yet again, is right; Peter would probably only do more damage if he talked to MJ right now. He’d probably make everything so much worse if he talked to Gwen, so the only option is to go home and fret about tomorrow. And maybe do that for two more days, since he won’t see Gwen or Michelle until Monday. (Assuming neither of them would want to hang out with him, or yell at him.)
And that’s what Peter does. He changes into sweatpants and a sweatshirt and lies in bed, worrying about how he’s just ruined everything. Gwen, who hates him, will tell the whole world how terrible he is, and how he’s Spider-Man. Rightfully so, he guesses. He wonders if Gwen will ever get over how much he hurt her, and for what? A few minutes of pleasure with MJ?
The thing is, he’d do anything for Michelle. He’s come to the realization that, if you only get one person who you doubtlessly and uncontrollably love, like Uncle Ben was for Aunt May, Michelle is that person for Peter. He’ll never love anyone like he does Michelle.
But, he’s got his whole life ahead of him. Maybe he’s wrong.
He hopes he isn’t, if that means that she will doubtlessly and uncontrollably love him back.
Peter never should’ve said yes to Gwen, but he did. He did, and then he never should’ve kissed Michelle tonight. May raised him better than this.
Gwen is an amazing person. She volunteers at homeless shelters and has a few shifts a week at a cafe and hangs out with Peter almost every night while also balancing a 4.3 GPA. Sure, her volunteering and working just pads her college application up but that’s only part of the reason why she does it. Gwen is sweet and funny and pretty and Peter should like her. He really, really wanted to romantically like her, really, really badly. When she kissed him, her lips were always soft and tasted like coconut because every time she hung out with Peter she always lathered on her chapstick. And kissing her was nice, he enjoyed it, but he never really felt anything other than the most simple form of joy.
He really is a terrible person.
Peter groans and yells into his pillow. A few seconds later, there was a knock on his door. “Sweetheart,” May yells, “Are you okay? Do you need help resetting a bone?”
“Not really,” he says back.
May pokes her head into his room. “You don’t need help resetting a bone or you aren’t okay? I just watched this YouTube video on how to reset bones so I think next time will be better than the last time I did it.”
“My bones are all fine, May,” Peter lets out a single, dull laugh, and watches as May sits at the end of his bed.
“Then what’s wrong, Peter?” She reassuringly rubs his shin.
“Well, I got my ass beat--”
“Peter.”
“Sorry, I got beat up tonight because I was distracted because of this really horrible thing I did which includes a whole story that I never told you about for over a year, and I’m really sorry for that, by the way.” Peter’s throat feels like it’s closing up as he sees May furrows her eyebrows in fear or extreme worry. It’s hard to tell.
“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, if you kept it from me for so long.”
“No, no,” he shakes his head maybe a little too much. “No, I want to tell you. Uh, so a year ago I started dating MJ-- well dating isn’t really the right term, we kinda just had a thing going on where we made out a lot and had s--” He stops himself before he gets too far, but May isn’t stupid, she can fill in the blank.
“Oh, sweetie, I know. You really think that when I came in your room every Sunday morning to get your laundry I didn’t see you cuddling Michelle? You didn’t notice when I shoved a mega box of condoms in your sock drawer?” He did notice, he just thought it was another one of her monthly ‘be safe’ jokes, and that month she had gone a bit too far. Peter never asked her about it and she never brought it up.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She takes a deep breath and stares at her nephew, her face stoic. “I always just assumed that if things got serious between you two-- more serious than sex, which is a very serious thing, Peter Parker--” she points her finger at him and then continues talking, “that you’d want to tell me.”
“But things were serious, May.” Peter crosses his legs and sits a few feet closer to his aunt. “I was in love with her. And-- and I still am.”
She furrows her brow once again. “What about Gwen?” Peter doesn’t answer and he stares down at his hands. May gets the hint. “Oh, Peter,” she says in a whisper.
“I know. And tonight we had this birthday party for MJ, and I kinda ditched school to set up for it, and she was wearing the blue button down you bought but didn’t like and then gave to her, and then we got into this argument and I--” He throws his head into his hands.
“You what, Peter?” May asks, rubbing his back.
“I kissed her. For ten minutes, I think. I unbuttoned her shirt and I think we would’ve gone farther if my phone didn’t go off. And I think Michelle told Gwen after I left.” He keeps his head buried so he doesn’t have to look at May.
“Peter,” she hisses, her hand freezing in motion, but then she coughs and returns to what she was doing before. “You shouldn’t have done that, Peter.”
“I know.”
“Look at me,” she demands. When he doesn’t, she physically lifts his head up with her own hand. “Peter Benjamin Parker, you did a terrible thing to that girl. Being cheated on is a horrible feeling, and one that takes a very long time to get over.”
“I know,” he repeats. “I’m a shit excuse for a superhero, aren’t I?”
May shakes her head, “Don’t ever say that again, Peter. You are a teenager first. Teenagers, superpowered or not, are reckless and stupid and usually don’t have any regard for anyone but themselves. But you, Peter, are the most selfless seventeen year old I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Your one, as terrible as it may be, mistake does not define you.”
“My two mistakes,” he reminds her, and she understands immediately.
“How many times do I have to tell you this? You didn’t cause his death.” She brings Peter into a hug and whispers, “He would be so proud of you, don’t forget that. Maybe not in this very moment, but proud nonetheless.”
“What should I do?” His voice cracks as he speaks, his head resting on her shoulder.
“I don’t know. You have to figure it out for yourself. However, when all is said and done and things are over with Gwen, I think you and Michelle should have a talk. And if you really love her like you say, ask her out again. But things need to finish with Gwen, first, Peter.”
He nods his head, “Of course. And I really do love her, May, but it doesn’t make this better.”
“It really doesn’t.”
He and May talk for another hour, and she mostly chastises him, but overall it made him feel like maybe he wasn’t the worst person. She took his laptop away, though, and was about to take his phone when she tossed it to him and said, “Good luck, sweetheart.”
GWEN: come outside. we have to talk.