sorry
“Peter...” began a quiet voice behind him. Peter turned around and stared Bucky dead in the eyes. Bucky’s hair was a little longer now, and he had the start of a beard on his face. But more than that, he looked older. Harder. More... broken.
Anger welled up within Peter as he stared at the man who now appeared as a cross between the man that he had grown to love like a brother and the hardened, emotionless super soldier who had ruthlessly murdered his parents.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Peter cried, anger pulsating through him, tears streaming down his face.
Bucky threw his hands up. “What was I supposed to say? Hi Peter, nice to meet you, I killed your parents, want to be friends?”
Bucky immediately regretted saying it. How could he snap at the kid at a time like this? Peter didn’t deserve that.
Bucky sighed, holding back the tears that rushed to his eyes, pulling the anger back into himself, regaining composure, trying hard not to break. “Peter, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I should have told you, I should have —“
He took a deep breath as he squeezed his eyes shut, running his fingers through his silky brown hair.
“It was so selfish. I’m so sorry.” His words were soaked with emotion, and Peter could tell that he meant them. “But when I first met you, you were scared and you needed someone to be there for you, and I couldn’t do that to you. And...” he swallowed. “I needed someone too. And Pete, you’re like a brother to me. And I didn’t want to lose that. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already have.”
And Peter could feel the emotion, remorse, and pain flowing from Bucky’s words and it hit him like a stab in the gut. He shook his head, just the smallest shake, but it was more than enough to communicate the point. "I don’t care. I don’t want your apologies. I don’t want you."
And he turned away, leaving Bucky even more broken than before.
Because Bucky knew pain, he knew loss, and he knew regret, but nothing hit him quite as hard as this rejection.
Because he knew that even though it wasn’t his fault what the Winter Soldier had done, he had still lied to Peter for so long. He had still hurt Peter and hadn’t treated him how he deserved because fuck it that kid deserved the world, and Bucky hadn’t complied.
And some things just can’t be forgiven.
—
Peter shook his head, returning Bucky’s broken unspoken plead with a hard, cold, and unforgiving gaze. He shook his head just a tiny bit, but it was more than enough. He could see the pain in Bucky’s eyes but he turned around. Bucky had hurt him. He deserved this.
And when Peter turned away from Bucky, he was turning toward the person he least expected to see but needed most.
“Uncle Ben?” Peter’s voice broke.
And the man smiled, that mischievous lopsided smile that Peter hadn’t seen in years. “I missed you, Peter.”
Peter enveloped his late uncle in a long-overdue hug. “I missed you, too.” He rested his head in his uncle’s shoulder, leaving wet spots on the man’s shirt from his tears, but Ben didn’t care.
Peter pulled back and glanced behind him, where Bucky had stood only a moment ago but now was nowhere to be seen. “Peter,” Ben began, gently leading his nephew’s face away from the empty landscape and back to him.
And then Peter began to sob. “Uncle Ben I’m so sorry. It was all my fault. I was right there and I had my powers and I should have stopped it I could have but I didn’t and it’s my fault and —“
“It’s not your fault,” Ben interrupted. “You may have had your powers but you didn’t know how to use them. You couldn’t have done anything. It is in no way your fault.”
Peter wiped the tears from his wet cheeks and swallowed.
Ben put his hand gently on Peter’s shoulder. “You know, deep down, that it wasn’t your fault. And yet, you continue to blame yourself. You didn’t tell May that you were there that night. Why not?”
Peter shrugged.
“I think you know,” Ben insisted.
“Because I...” Peter swallowed. “Because I couldn’t hurt her any more than I have already. I know it’s unfair to her, but I... I can’t...” he looked down. “I have to forgive him.”
“You don’t have to,” Ben said gently. “But you know that it wasn’t him. Sargent Barnes didn’t kill your parents.”
Peter pulled away from Ben’s gentle grip. “Yes he did! I saw the video!”
“Peter, you’re not listening to me.” Ben adopted his stern tone and gently brought Peter’s chin up to make eye contact with him. “Sargent Barnes did not kill your parents. The Winter Soldier did.”
Peter looked back at the empty place where Bucky had stood. He nodded.
“I know you’re angry, Peter. And you have a right to be. But you also have a responsibility.”
Peter looked back up at his uncle. “With great power comes great responsibility. That’s what you told me, before you died.”
Ben smiled. “Exactly. Peter, you and Bucky are very similar. You both have lost more than you deserve to have lost. And right now, he is in the same situation as you were a few years ago. It wasn’t your fault that I died. No matter what you tell yourself, there’s nothing you could have done. And it wasn’t Bucky’s fault what the Winter Soldier did. And just like you did, he beat himself up for it. Still does. You know what that’s like. And you know what it’s like to not want to talk about it, to not want to tell people that you’ve hurt them, because you’ve been there. You’ve been there but you got through it. And now it’s your turn to help Bucky get through it, too.”
Peter nodded. The anger welled up in his stomach had subsided. “Thank you Uncle Ben.”
Ben smiled and ruffled Peter’s hair. “I love you, Pete.”
“I love you too.”
And then Ben faded away.
And Peter turned around.
Bucky was there. And once again, he had changed. This time, he was looking not at 1940s Bucky Barnes, and not at the hardened Bucky, but at the Winter Soldier, the one he had fought in Berlin, the one that had killed his parents.
He walked forward. Bucky stood there, waiting to see what Peter would do this time. He wasn’t expecting Peter to wrap his arms around him.
After a second’s shock hesitation, Bucky hugged him back, pulling Peter closer to him gently with the cold strength of his hard metal arm.
“I’m so sorry,” Bucky breathed, rubbing his thumb in circles on Peter’s back. Peter just nestled into the embrace and sighed back, “it wasn’t your fault.”
And Bucky couldn’t help but smile. Because he had messed up in the past. And he didn’t deserve forgiveness. But Peter gave it anyway. And so Bucky held him closer because he had hurt Peter but the kid had come back to him and he needed someone to be there for him, and there was no way Bucky wouldn’t be there for his new little brother when he needed him most.
Finally, Peter pulled away and this time when he looked at Bucky he saw not the Winter Soldier, nor the longer-haired, more hardened man, but the happy, young soldier in his World War II soldier’s uniform.