Chapter Nine
“I remember, Tommy; I remember all of it!” she exclaimed.
Tom was speechless; he had no idea how to even begin to response. Should he apologize again for his countless mistakes? Did the fact that she was in his arms mean she had forgiven him? Did she want to continue where they left off in the moments before the crash, or did she want something different? He tried to say something, anything at this point, but he was left staring at her dumbfounded.
She pulled back from him and rested her palm on his cheek in a soothing manner. His eyes fluttered shut and just one touch from her filled him with a sense of calm, which nobody else could make him feel. Tom realized he didn’t just want her; he needed her.
“So what does this mean, then?” he broke the silence. His heart beat out of his chest in anticipation for her confession. He knew that everything was laid out on the table for once; there was no running from their emotions anymore. With this came the fear of finally exposing his true feelings, but also relief, they were stepping off the carousel of endless hurt and retaliation.
“I want you, Tom,” she began, and he grinned at the sound of those four words rolling off her tongue. She slipped her hand down to his shoulder giving it a light squeeze as she continued.
“I want you, but I don’t know if I should. How do we do this? How do we be together after everything? Can we even do tha-” she asked question after question, but he couldn’t let her go on any longer.
He leaned in close enough that their lips just brushed slightly against each other, frozen still in that space, neither one daring to go further. Tom didn’t have any answers that would satisfy her because he couldn’t guarantee anything. All he could say was the truth of how he felt.
“All I know is I can’t lose you again. So, whatever we have to do to prevent that from happening: I’ll do it,” he vowed. She relaxed a little with that revelation, but her questions still remained unanswered. She only had one solution in mind; it was a hard one to make even though it felt like the right thing to do. Tom could sense she was holding something back from him, so he prodded her to go on. Her hands shook, and she took a small step backward away from him.
“We need a break,” she blurted out. His chest felt compact like there was no room for his lungs to expand. He knew that it made sense, but when he promised to do whatever it took, he imagined spending time with her, not away from her.
“Oh,” he looked away, her heart weighed down with guilt at his reaction.
“It just seems like the only way. Just, please, listen to me,” she begged of him. He tilted his chin upward, looking like a downcast puppy as he nodded for her to go on.
“We went through a trauma together, and now that we survived, we want to cling to each other. That’s just not healthy– we’re both broken, and we’ll never last if we crawl back together like this. I need some time…” she explained. He couldn’t argue with her logic; he wanted to deny it, but it was true.
“H-how much time?” his voice faltered. She broke eye contact and toyed with the buttons on her coat instead of looking at him.
“I don’t know… a year?” she suggested, he couldn’t contain his shock.
“A year!” Tom near shouted, hurt that she felt they needed that long.
“Yeah.” One word confirmed to him that she had already made up her mind, and it would be useless to try and change it.
“So… how do I know when to contact you again?” he asked, already feeling like she was gone.
“What if we agreed to meet at a time and place, or not. If we both show up, that means we want to try again. But if we don’t show, that means we’ve moved on,” she proposed.
It made a lot of sense to Tom, but the thought of her not showing devastated him. He knew he would be counting down the days until he could see her again.
“Okay,” was all he responded with.
She couldn’t leave on that note, so she leaped into his arms for possibly the last time. She slung her arms over his neck; his hands found her waist, and her feet barely skimmed the surface of the floor. He breathed in her delicious scent so deeply he hopefully would never forget it. He wondered if he could hold her so close; maybe, she would change her mind and never leave him. He struggled to come up with anything to make her stay. Maybe he could lock the doors? Follow her wherever she decided to go? Beg on his knees, and refuse to let go of her hands? It was just wishful thinking; she was going to walk out that door no matter what he did. He closed his eyes and soaked up the bliss he felt with her in his arms praying the moment would last forever. As she let go, it shattered, and his only wish was that, with time, he could put them back together.
Y/N heard a knock at her door and leaped over piles of her belongings she needed to decide whether or not to bring with her. Not thinking to ask who it was, she pulled open the door and regretted it immediately.
“Harrison,” she tried to sound as disinterested as possible when all she felt was heartache at the sight of him. He invited himself in and froze in place once he realized she was in the process of moving.
“You’re just going to leave? That’s it? Were you even planning on telling me?” his voice boomed throughout the room in disbelief. She crossed her arms in front of her chest refusing to feel pity for him.
“It’s not really your concern. By the way, I didn’t say you could come in,” she deflected his outraged questions with ease, only furthering his anger.
“Not my concern? NOT MY CONCERN? After everything I’ve done for you, for us, you toss that all away because of one mistake? Maybe, I could understand that but not when Tom has done much worse and you pathetically fall back to him every damn time,” Haz spat, and cringed at his last statement knowing it was a step to far. She lost all hope of remaining cool and collected at that accusation from him.
“You know the one thing Tom never did, though? He never lied about my own past to keep me to himself. He didn’t take advantage of my memory loss; in fact, when I thought you were my boyfriend, he respected that and left me to be happy,” she called attention to the weight of his mistake. Harrison bit his lip in frustration and moved to stand closer to her.
“Because you weren’t going to make the right decision! So, I did what I thought would keep you happy; I protected you from him. It wasn’t because I wanted you to myself. I just… wanted to keep you safe, and I thought the best way to do that was keep you in my arms,” he divulged. She didn’t think he could say anything that would get her to understand, but in his own twisted way he was trying to help. That still didn’t make what he did right or fair to her.
“Well, now, I’m making the right decision for me, and the only thing that feels right is to leave,” she admitted to him, not ready to forgive him yet. Haz was at least thankful that if he couldn’t be with her neither could Tom. It all seemed to him like everything that happened amounted to absolutely nothing. She was just going to leave.
“So… is this the last time I’ll ever see you?” his eyes filled to the brim with watery tears. He almost preferred the constant back and forth than to losing her completely.
She couldn’t forgive him, but she didn’t want to leave him a broken mess. He was right in that they had history they couldn’t push aside as if it meant nothing. Her mind flashed back to the night she pressed the dial button and spoke to him for the very first time. He hadn’t even known her, yet he had shown up to her door because that’s the kind of man he was. Fiercely loyal and he cared way more than the average person. How could she just walk away from someone like that?
“I can’t say anything for sure, but if we do see each other again, it’ll never be in the way you want it too,” she honestly revealed. The cold, hard truth felt like a slap in the face to him, but one that he saw coming since the very beginning. He didn’t know what to do; he felt unwanted and dejected. Harrison began to make his way out without a goodbye thinking that was what she wanted. She reached out to grab a fistful of his shirt and pulled him back in for the last time.
“Don’t you dare leave us like that,” she threatened and rested her forehead on his. He breathed out a sigh of relief and clutched her waist securely.
“I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so, so sorry for all of this,” the tears in his eyes finally spilled over and rolled down his flushed cheeks, one after the other. She hushed him and cradled his defeated face in the crook of her neck wishing she could make it better for him. She wondered how different things would be if she had never called him and just got through that night Tom hurt her on her own. Tom would have shown up the next morning with his roses and apologies, and she would have forgiven him. She couldn’t help but feel like her actions only served the purpose to tear Haz to pieces.
“No, this has always been my fault,” she conceded placing all the blame on herself. His chin quivered as he cried and gaped at her response.
“Who honestly cares anymore whose damn fault it is? I don’t. Just… wherever you’re going, promise me one thing?” he reassured.
“Yeah?” she waited for him to continue.
“Be happy, okay?” Harrison asked of her.
“Okay.”