Chapter Six
Nostalgia hit Tom like a truck. The plain, empty walls that seemed to ooze sickness and decay. The air was thick with anticipation, loss, and greatest of all: fear. People sat in the stiff chairs, every other minute anxiously crossing their legs a different way, scrolling through old messages, perhaps from their admitted loved one. But, there was another emotion in the waiting room that cowered in secret behind all the rest, and that was hope. Hope and silent prayers to a god they might not believe in but give a chance anyway because the situation is so dire.
He didn’t understand what was happening. They had spent the day designing their future baby’s room, arguing about trivial things like what color to paint the walls. How could a seemingly normal day take such a dramatic turn for the worst?
It was so unfair. Tom had finally accepted his love for her and welcomed the idea of bringing a child into their world. He had made countless mistakes and it wasn’t right that she was the one paying for them.
“Mr. Holland?” a monotone voice echoed across the waiting room, several hopeful family members jerked their heads up and then shrunk back down into their fears.
Tom quickly stood to his feet and rushed over to the doctor. He needed to know the outcome but dreaded the worst case scenario.
“How is she? What happened to her?” he demanded to know instantly.
“Will you please follow me, sir,” the doctor replied, not answering his previous questions. Tom hesitated before entering her room; this was the second time someone he loved was laying in a hospital bed and he felt partly to blame for her being there too.
He reluctantly stepped in, cringing at how miserable and exhausted she appeared. He looked upon her forehead drenched in sweat, her fingers stained red with blood, and her bloodshot, barely open eyes. Tom desperately wanted to kneel beside her and hold her hand, to tell her they would get through it together no matter what happened.
But he didn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to. He wasn’t just frozen to the spot, within him lay an emotional barrier he couldn’t get past. He wasn’t exactly sure what that was yet, but he just couldn’t look at her, much to her discomfort.
The doctor’s eyes shifted between the two of them, unsure why they weren’t huddled together in this crisis, but he decided to get the news over with anyway.
“I’m afraid to tell you that despite our best efforts, we were not able to recover the baby. You had a miscarriage. I’m deeply sorry, we have counseling available if-” the doctor began.
“What? You- How did this happen? All you can say is that you’re sorry? Our child is dead and that’s all you can tell me?” Tom snapped, his eyes burning red as he practically spat venom out of his mouth towards the doctor. Y/N’s eyes filled with tears; all she did was turn her head away from Tom, so she didn’t have to see what he would do next.
“Sir, these things just happen, we have no explanation. There are certain risk factors involved- her age one of them, but none of those are things anyone could have foreseen leading to this tragic outcome,” he tried to explain calmly, but Tom was far from calm.
He ran his hands through his messy waves, as he paced the room back and forth. He stopped in his tracks abruptly and turned to her as she was muffling her sobs in the hospital bed. Tom lifted up a shaky finger, pointing at her.
“You… This is because of you!” he screamed, the painful feeling of disappointment infiltrated his every thought and action. Her head swiveled to face him, unbelief was written all over her face.
“What… Tommy?” she murmured, not sure how to even come up with a response.
“Don’t you dare fucking call me that! This. Is. Because. Of. You. Probably happened from all your drunk nights, crying out for Harrison to come to rescue poor you from the evil Tom, right? How could you betray me like this? I was ready to drop everything for you, and you ruined it. You killed our baby and our future! I can’t even fucking look at you right now,” Tom’s accusations hit her harder than any other harsh thing he’s told her in the past. This was by far the worst moment in her life.
He gave her one last look of pure disgust before he stormed out the door leaving just her and an astonished doctor.
After another moment of silence to soak in what had just happened, the doctor cautiously asked, “Is there someone we could call for you, other than him?”
She was so shocked and depressed she couldn’t even cry.
“Harrison, Harrison Osterfield.”
The doctor fled the room to call Harrison.
That’s when the thoughts and realities set in.
Tom was gone, probably for good this time. She had nothing left to offer, nothing left to give him. He had no ties to her, he obviously didn’t love her after every cruel word he hurled at her like she was nothing. She flinched at that word, the word in the past he so easily used against her.
Why had she believed him? She chuckled cooly at the memory of his past empty promises “A sign that we’re meant to rise above the odds stacked against us.” Where was that Tom? The Tom that vowed to start a new chapter and leave behind their past issues. But, maybe that was the point. They couldn’t move on from their past. The odds were stacked against them, and they would never rise above them.
And now, she lay weak and feeble, waiting for Harrison to rescue her again like a damsel in distress. That’s if he even decided to show, he seemed adamant about moving on after she hurt him the last time.
Well, not this time, she thought. She ripped the IV’s from her forearms and swung her legs to rest on the cold ground. She attempted to stand and fell to the floor in pain, obviously in no shape to be leaving. But she had too. Determined, she used the side of the bed to pull herself to her feet, legs shaking, but standing. Before fleeing the room, she scrawled a note for Harrison, if he decided to come and didn’t find her:
‘It’s finally over, Haz. I’ll be at the bridge. I can’t do this anymore, I’m done.’
Harrison burst into Y/N’s hospital room, breathless and afraid. He didn’t even need to think twice about actually showing up. He let go of her as a lover, but he didn’t want to abandon her as a friend in need.
But, the room was empty.
Haz let out a loud sigh of frustration and pounded his fists into the door. Of course, she wasn’t here; was this just a cruel trick to tug at his heartstrings once more? He moved to leave and sulk back home, but a note on the bed caught his attention.
He snatched up the brief letter, and dread consumed him. It dragged him down like an anchor sinking deeper and deeper until he hit rock bottom of a cold, dark ocean of swarming emotions. He tried to suppress his anger at Tom to worry about at a later time, but he couldn’t help but want to give him the beating Haz took from him. Even at her lowest points, she always had this vision of hope within her. It killed him knowing that Tom was slowly draining the life out of her.
He needed to get to her first though; she was his only concern. He must have just missed her; she couldn’t have gotten too far. Harrison tucked the note into his jacket pocket and flung the door open so wide it slammed against the wall leaving a dent. He didn’t care. He just sprinted towards the exit with the bridge in his sight.
Breathe, in, out. In, out. That was all he could focus on. Because if he thought about Tom, he would only feel furious and disloyal at the same time. If he thought of her, he would imagine the worst: arriving too late. He wasn’t going to let that happen after everything they had been through together.
He never ran faster than he did at that moment. The adrenaline coursing through his veins allowed him to keep pushing through the exhaustion. He swore his heart was going to beat out of his chest, not only from the running, but the distress signals his brain was sending to his entire body.
“Y/N! Stop! I’m…” he fell to his knees unable to catch his breath. “I’m here!” he managed to finish.
She was perched on top of the railing with her legs dangling off the edge. She turned to face him, and his heart broke all over again at the sight of her shattered expression. Her lips curved downwards into a broken frown.
When his eyes met with hers, the rest of their surroundings disappeared. He couldn’t hear the crash of the waves beneath her; he feared her next move as tears tumbled down her delicate cheeks.
“Harrison, maybe he’s right. It is my fault. I wasn’t meant to carry a child; I’m not strong enough. I’m too weak, and I shouldn’t have called you because I always cry out to you to save me. You can’t save me this time, Haz. I have to do this; it’s the only thing that seems right to me anymore,” she put all of the painful thoughts into words. As she spoke, he slowly inched closer.
“No, please, just get back down and we can talk about this Y/N,” he attempted to coax her into his arms where he could guarantee her safety.
“No, no more talking! I made up my mind! I’m done. I’m sorry for what I put you through, and I really hope you find someone who will treat you better than I did when I’m gone,” she made her final apologies. Harrison couldn’t hold back his emotions any longer; fearful, desperate sobs escaped his mouth as he cried out for her to not let go.
It all happened in a blur, yet every movement occurred in slow motion. She tilted her head to the sky and sucked in a deep breath. He saw his opportunity and lunged forward. He couldn’t stop her hands from releasing their grip on the rail. His only chance was to time it perfectly.
He just needed something, anything to grab onto. Her waist slipped through his fingers, but his grasp tightened around her arm. He breathed out a sigh of relief glad she didn’t struggle to push him away.
Harrison pulled her up in seconds, and she toppled into his arms. She laid still and unmoving. She would have done it; she did do it. In her mind, she was as good as dead. Because once she committed to the act, she didn’t feel like a person anymore. She should have died; she wanted to die. She had been ready to drop.
He wrapped her up in his coat so close she struggled to breathe. With every breath, she smelled his familiar freshness and snuggled deeper into his arms. As long as he never left her side, she would stay safe. Maybe, that wasn’t a permanent solution, but after what had just happened, it was good enough.
Oh, don’t deceive me. Oh, never leave me…
Tom groggily woke up to pounding on his door, so loud the room shook in response. He swung open the door, confused.
The next thing he knew he was shoved to the ground. He struggled to comprehend what was happening, but he fought the body off of him.
“You fucking bastard!” Haz’s voice echoed through his ears.
“What the fuck are you doing, Harrison!” Tom yelled at his inexplicably outraged best friend.
“This,” he growled.
He struck Tom across the jaw, blow after blow. Harrison wanted Tom to feel the pain he had caused him, but more importantly, the lengths he drove Y/N to a few hours earlier. Tom never felt the consequences of the words he threw at people, and Haz wanted to change that.
Surprisingly, Tom took it all without putting up a fight. Harrison shrunk back a bit letting Tom catch his breath.
“Are- are you done now?” Tom asked, honestly with no sarcasm laced in his words.
“Your a fucking idiot and an asshole,” Haz spat down on him with no shame.
“Okay wh-” Tom began but not before his friend reached into his pocket and threw a crumpled up piece of paper at his chest. Tom’s shaky fingers unraveled the paper, and his expression softened as he read the note.
“Yeah- that’s right. Want to know how I spent my night? I fucking saved your girlfriend from jumping off a bridge. I pulled her back up and she’s safe now. No thanks to you. What kind of a man blames the woman carrying his child for a miscarriage? A coward.” Haz tried to get through to him.
Tom couldn’t think of any words to say back. Everything Harrison said was true. He knew he was a coward and the furthest thing from a man. He never wanted to hurt her in any way. Every time he tried to do what he knew was the right thing, like thinking about holding her hand while the doctor delivered the news, he let fear consume him. He was terrified of committing himself to her forever. Even though Tom knew she was the one for him, he hated the way love made him feel vulnerable and open. The only logical reaction for him was to close himself off from her, and if he had to make her think he was a monster in the process, then so be it.
Haz waited for Tom to speak. He still couldn’t. Tom’s wide, brown eyes filled with tears, and he clung to his best friend who, only a minute earlier, was beating his face into the floor.
“Please, Haz, don’t leave. Tell me what to do; tell me how I can fix this. I can’t lose her again. I can’t, I could never live with myself if she had died,” Tom cried into Harrison’s chest no longer concerned about appearing tough.
All Tom could feel anymore was guilt. Guilt about the day he walked past her in the coffee shop. Guilt over sleeping with another woman when she called him up in the middle of the night. Guilt over letting his jealousy rip him apart when he sent his best friend to the emergency room. And, now, guilt over the unfair blame he had placed on her, and the actions she took after that.
Harrison looked down at Tom with pity. He once felt anger, but now, all he saw was a broken man afraid to let himself love crying out for help.
“It’s okay, Tom. I know the first thing you need to do, no matter what she says, is apologize…”
Tom’s hands trembled uncontrollably as he took a deep breath in to calm himself. Nervousness ripped him into pieces as he knocked on her door ready to beg for her forgiveness.
Y/N opened up the door and took a few steps back to distance herself from him. She didn’t want to admit it, but she felt horrified and afraid of the man she saw in front of her.
“What do you want? To tell me again how I murdered our child?” she coldly retorted.
Tom gulped, and a single tear ran down his cheek.
“No, darling, I’m so, so incredibly sorry. I know you will find it hard to forgive me after everything I said, but just list-” he tried to apologize, but she cut him short.
“You know what, Tom? In your very own words: I didn’t sign up for this shit.”
The door slammed in his face.
Tom crumpled to the ground and pulled his knees into his chest. He couldn’t go on feeling this way. He wasn’t going to give up on her yet, though. He wasn’t ever going to give up on her. Even if that meant he stayed at her door, he would stay there as long as it took for her to listen to him.