Chapter 20
They've snuck up on the roof. It's a delightful temperature, slightly cold but not too cold, and you're wearing long sleeves anyway so you don't mind.
No one's there except the two of you, you and Bucky. It's been a few weeks, and now you realize you control your fears. It's not the other way around, your paranoia isn't fucking around with you, but it's you who decides.
You admit you've missed Barnes. You missed how he whispered to you with that goddamn cute nickname, and you missed calling him Bucky and him holding you at night. You missed everything.
You smile.
"Hey, Buck." Snuggling into his side even further, you close your eyes and breathe in the fresh air. The screams of pain and the blood seem so far away in the distance, even muffled.
"Hey, Doll." He replies, and grins, showing a hint of that smile you love so much.
He wraps his arm around you, the flesh one, and you feel the warmth, assuring yourself that the Winter Soldier couldn't be this warm. No, this isn't him. This is James Bucky Barnes. This is the man you love, the man you fell in love with at the prison cell.
Lost deep in your thoughts, you stare mindlessly at the sky and ignore the faint honking of car horns in the distance, the bright lights that blind out the stars. Freedom seems... strange to you, after such a long time. Sometimes you even have to remind yourself not to ask Nat or Tony's permission to go to the toilet.
It's just so weird.
You have to admit you're still healing, but that doesn't stop the jolt of guilt in your system as you flinch slightly at his touch. It's barely suppressed and you mentally slap yourself as you feel Bucky stiffen next to you.
He lets out a long sigh next to you and your eyes flicker up to him before staring back at the inky sky again, "Something on your mind?"
"I'm..." He swallows. "I'm sorry, (Y/N)... For everything I did. I know I... I know I made you suffer, and.. just... Maybe you wish you never met me, and I'm sorry for being so selfish and... and wanting you."
Your eyes darken and you squeeze your eyes shut. Don't react. It's Bucky, goddamn it! Just because they wear the same face doesn't mean they're the same!
Taking a deep breath, you calm yourself before turning to the slightly flustered man. "Buck-"
"Just... thank you for considering getting back with me, I... I... really-"
"Bucky Barnes, it wasn't your fault. It was a certain shit organization that made you do that, and I don't blame you for that, okay?" You shiver a little under the cold touch of his metal hand. "I might be a little... a little PTSD..."
"You mean a lot."
"But..." You turn to glance straight into his eyes, "It's okay. I forgive you, Bucky."
He feels astounded. Honored, really.
After all he's done...
she forgives him, she says it's okay. Even he doesn't fucking forgive himself, and he realizes, like he always had, that she is such a beautiful woman and he is probably the luckiest man on earth.
"Thank you." He whispers. His breath is shallow and excited.
"Someone needs to care." She smiles. "I love you, it's okay."
Although he wants to argue that he should be the one comforting her... she was the victim after all, he can't really argue because she presses her lips onto his.
He can tell she's pretty hesitant, based on how awkward she is, but he takes the chance anyway and kisses back, with about a few decades of experience. Bucky never kisses her unless she kisses him first. She had argued at first, but he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore, especially (Y/N) Stark.
His metal hand brushes a strand of hair back from her face and moves to cup her cheek carefully, trying to be soft and precise with every move even though that's not him. He feels her lean into his touch and kiss him back, struggling a little to catch up to the speed his lips are going. But it's okay. He just loves her, so, so, much.
Bucky's other hand slides down her clothed arm and hesitantly hovers over her hip. When he's confirmed that she's not going to flinch, he brings down his warmer hand on her hip gently. Her hand is resting on his chest, feathery light and sending sparks up his spine when she comes in contact with his skin, and her other hand is curling around the nape of his neck, playing with the locks of hair.
He deepens the kiss and runs his tongue over the entrance of her mouth as a silent plea. Slowly she parts her lips, just a fraction, and his tongue slips in, exploring every inch.
You feel him kiss you, and calm your erratic heartbeat. Bucky Barnes... Bucky Barnes... Bucky Barnes...
Not the Winter Soldier.
Oh, god, how you hate HYDRA for doing this to both of you, leaving you as a scared, broken toy and him as a pained ex-assassin whose past comes to haunt him ever so often. You both take this badly- some days he wakes up sweating and crying out hoarsely in Russian, some days you shoot upwards, screaming, your fingernails clawing at the unhealed scabs on your skin and pain shooting through your body. Tony's probably not going to allow it, so at night you sneak into his room and curl up next to him, concentrating on his smell. His smell is different- the Winter Soldier reeked of iron and blood. Bucky Barnes, however, smells of a distinct scent of cologne, more lively.
His cold hand moves down to the base of your neck and you feel him stop kissing you, and you suck in air. Just as you're getting confused to why he's stopping, his mouth drops down and sucks at the sensitive skin. You gasp and his flesh hand moves down, resting on your thigh. Your yoga pants suddenly seem so blazingly hot- as he hits the sweet spot on your neck, you arch your back and moan softly.
Taking it as a sign of concern, he stops, immediately. You're surprised at the amount of restrain he has. "Are you okay? Should I... should I stop?"
"Bucky, you don't need to check on me every few minutes." You cradle his cheek with your hand and kiss him shortly. "For the last time, it's okay."
He nods, relieved, and his warmer hand reaches towards your tee. You almost take it off, then stiffen. You can't take it off. He'll see your scars, he'll see how you look, he'll-
"Doll." He whispers. "I'm not going to judge you for how you look."
It must have been evident in your eyes because you shift uncomfortably before wrapping an arm around yourself protectively, "Promise?"
"Believe me," He says with a smile on his face, "I look worse."
You insecurely avert your eyes before nodding slightly. His fingers grasp the edge of your tee and pull it above your head, leaving you in nothing but your underwear.
"I..." His jaws go slack when he sees your scars. His eyes drift to your forearms, where they recognizable letters are carved into there, thick white scars making out the letters HYDRA.
"Oh, god, (Y/N)... I am so sorry for this..."
A tear slips down your cheek as he traces the letters on your skin, and unexpectedly kiss it.
"You don't... you don't hate them?"
Meeting his gaze, you see nothing but pity and guilt, and anger too- anger at himself. "How could I have let myself-"
"It was the Winter Soldier, not you, Buck." You offer him a small smile. "Just as long as I know that, it's okay."
His shirt is on the floor in seconds, and he presses himself flush against your body, fingers digging into your hips.
"I'm never going to hurt you like that again, doll." He growls softly. "I promise."
Bucky Barnes captures your lips in an addictive, passionate kiss, and you let yourself, for the first time, lose yourself in him.