The first time was arguably the worst. As Bucky falls into the canyon below, about a million thoughts fly through Steve’s head, almost too quick to catch. Almost.
The only one Steve remembers now is no no no no no Bucky NO-
Is it worse to remember, or would he rather forget Bucky entirely? At first Steve isn’t sure.
But it gets better.
——
He finds Bucky for the first time four years later.
But it’s not his Buck. Not yet. Bucky still belongs to Hydra when Steve sees him again.
Even if Bucky is Hydra, even if he’s the Winter Soldier, that is still James Buchanan Barnes. That’s still his Bucky.
Buck tries to kill him, but there’s a moment- a flash of recognition. Bucky’s still there.
And then Steve loses him again. Bucky disappears, at least for a while.
But now Steve’s waiting for him.
——
Next time he sees Bucky, he’s more of himself, and less of the Winter Soldier. He’s on the run, but Steve finds him. They make it work for a bit, but S.H.I.E.L.D. tries to take Bucky.
Steve doesn’t let them. Steve can’t let them.
They’re on the run again. But Bucky doesn’t stay.
He says he doesn’t trust himself. The Winter Soldier is still inside of him.
Shuri promises he won’t spend long in the cryo, and she’s right. He doesn’t spend long, but Steve loses Bucky a third time.
——
When Bucky comes out of cryo, he’s not fixed, just needed. There’s a war again.
Isn’t there always a war? Steve thinks. He’s not wrong.
The war doesn’t matter. Bucky does.
At least, that’s what Steve tells himself. But he knows what could happen. He knows how much it matters to everyone.
And then it happens.
——
“Steve?”
——
Steve Rogers loses Bucky Barnes again.
Steve thinks about the train. It seems so stupid compared to now. Obviously, it’s not, but he’d take that a million times over this.
Anything over this.
Looking back on it all, Steve wishes he had just died in the forties.