Life of doubts
The sun just emerged in the sky in one of those cold days in Seattle. Maya was thankful for the peace the view offered her while coming home. It’s with this feeling that she walked in the house but it was gone in a second. No light was on, the place was quiet but the car was parked in the alley. The firefighter searched for her wife knowing that like her she normally just came home from her shift at the hospital.
Maybe something happened and Carina went home earlier? Maybe she didn’t remember correctly her schedule? Maybe…
She needed to see her wife to be reassured, she found her in their bathroom a place that can be a shelter when the doctor needs to gather her thoughts. Reassuring will not happen with the picture painted here. A messy hair bun, tired lost eyes, knees close to her chest and the feeling like she was far away from here. The wheels in Maya’s brain turned faster and faster, hundreds of questions without answers and so many if… and then a dark one came in her mind.
The couple is at a happy time in their relationship, a baby is coming. It took them time to be there, after Maya’s breakdown and their last try turning negative a break in growing their family was necessary. The need to find their way back to each other was crucial, and they did, after hours and hours of conversation in the intimacy of their bed. Many tears, some screams, tender kisses, soft touches and they were back to be them after some time. Stronger and even more in love than before. After two years, the project was back in the table and it’s with much surprise that the first try was the one.
So seeing her wife like that, the blonde thought that luck was not on their side anymore and something happened with the baby. But also if she’s been reasonable she knows that if that was the case, Carina will not be there on their shower’s floor she would have called her immediately like in the second she knew. So it was not that, this was impossible. Something more personal to her was happening here, something that touched her deeply and made her question her choices. With that she understood that the one who need reassuring is not her and she have to focus on helping the woman she loves.
Slowly and delicately she sits beside Carina, looking at her with compassion. With just a finger she touched one of her hands who were on her knees like a touch of a plum, so discreet and almost imperceptible. She didn’t want to scared her, or bring her back to harshly. Soft was not an option when she was too deep in. Time didn’t matters here. Calm breathing and be here together and they will connect again. When she knew it was the right moment she moved her finger to the brunette cheeks and whispered:
“Hey my love, you want to talk about it?”
She was met with a more intense expiration and then Carina turned her face and eyes contact was made. An intense sadness in the dark brown ones, who push Maya to move her touch to her lover jawline and cheek again like a caress. A shy smile appears like a positive response to it. Maya got up place a soft kiss on top of her wife heads and tend her hand.
“Come with me” she proposed.
Carina took it and with the pregnancy even if at four month in it the weight of her belly was not too much yet, it was still something to get use too so the firefighter help was welcomed. The way to their bed was not a surprise, since last year it was the safest place for them to talk and be together and obviously it was something they needed today.
It’s in the arms of each other that both started to relax and the sound of the Italian voice was heard for the first time this morning.
“Maybe it was a mistake, maybe I can’t do it…” and with that the first doubt was out.
“What was a mistake?” tented to ask Maya with calm.
“This…I can’t do it Bambina, I can’t” emotion started to take control on her again and tears were not far away. She touched her belly tenderly even if her words imply that the “this” in question was her pregnancy.
“Did you have any pain on your back again today? You want me to give you a massage?” and the worried caring wife was back in service…
“Yes, but really Maya did we really thought this through?” Her eyes took darker shades, the ones her wife knew wasn’t good news.
“What are you asking me here?” making eye contact to search the unsaid in the words she heard.
“He thinks that he was right, now that we’re having a baby. He thinks that I will stop working and also will prove that what I do is useless because women can do it by themselves… He thinks that I am gone be a housewife now, that I will stay at home with the baby and being what women are here for… It was a mistake! I worked so hard why did I do this? We were happy just us. Why did I had the need for more?” and now she was crying heavy tears. Maya didn’t say anything yet knowing that for now physical touch was more necessary. Soft is where Carina allowed herself to fall apart but she was here to catch her. She was safe. She was Home.
Earlier when the doctor was still at the hospital, Vincenzo De Luca great her with one of those special surprise visits. Here for work obviously never to want to know about how Carina was doing and the new events of her life. No, work came always first even the craziest research he could come up with will always be his priority before his daughter. And it’s around a conversation with another doctor who knows Carina that congratulations were made to him for the arrival of a grandchild. Her daughter didn’t share the news; their conversations were always about him that she can’t place a word about her life in it. The man didn’t even notice the growing belly of his child when he saw her, so those words were a destabilizing surprise to him and of course he blamed the pregnant woman for not sharing with him the information. The confrontation was loud and the words used were sharp. Carina asked herself if he was right. She should have told him, impose the news in one of their rare calls. He’s her father after all even if the meaning behind it for her is different that more people. She also thought about a time where the first person in her family she would have called for sharing this step in her life is her brother. Andrea… And then more words their father shouts at her were in her mind. She didn’t protect her baby brother and she fooled herself that she will be able to do it with her baby…
“Andrea… Maybe it will happen again…” she got out between loud cries.
Maya put more pressure with her arms around the shoulder of the shaken woman, trying her best to console while given her space to express the feelings screaming inside her. With the evocation of Andrew she can’t control the flash of Carina years ago on the same spot she found her today. Also she knew that the situation is very different in many ways here, their relation is different. More tools are in her hands to offers support and help. But mostly in the present day, they are equally involved with the person they talked about. It’s their baby and the future they will have with this part of them, the doubts are about.
Her wife mood always change when her Papa is in town, not that it happen often but Maya always sees it and recognize the sign so when Carina said “He” automatically she knew it was about him. She hated to see her like that, the woman who is normally so proud of herself and her achievement turned into a scared child who’s afraid to be reprimand by an authority figure. Fear left a forever imprint in her brain and heart. Only him was able to make her drop everything to please his needs. It’s not that she will not do it for Maya but in a very different way because it will not come from subjugation but from a caring love.
So today was not an exception, Vincenzo were at the hospital for the contact he made through his children. Not supportive of her work but still wants the advantage who goes with it. Carina said nothing about it and listened him make his speech she knew practically by heart now. With her hormones she had less energy to argue with him, but still hear what he was saying keeping in mind that he can be very dangerous. She was tired of that behavior and more questions popped in her head. Do I really want a baby in the middle of this chaotic relationship? Do I have the energy for both? What if the baby will have bipolar too, will I be able to endure that again? And with that last question an image of her brother came again.
“I can’t Bambina, I can’t do it again…” still emerged in her own world of doubts. Drowned by it and trying to catch her breathe.
This time, it was the moment to reach her again. The blue eyed woman took the hand of the other in her own to ground her in their present. To remind her she was safe, they are together and she will not let her do this alone. Then with her other hand she reach for seeing those brown eyes she loves so deeply again. With the look they shared at this instant she told her that she was here.
“What did he said to you exactly?” she wanted to break the ice of the doubts with that.
“One of his phrases was: You’re gone stop playing doctor and realize how obstetrical medicine is unnecessary now that’s the good part!” Carina repeat with the same intonation her father said that to her. Hearing this Maya couldn’t control to roll her eyes at this absurdity.
“I don’t want this Bambina, I love my work.” She said desperately
“The plan has never been for you to lose it; I know how important it is to you. And we will make this work, together.” In her head she hopes it was one less doubt check on the list.
“I have still so many things I want to do, research I want to start, and I know you have your own ambition for your work but can we do it with our baby in the middle of it?” with this question others came in Maya head.
While they have reconstructed their couple, the firefighter fought also this time with proving her point in the field, for her captaincy. Things had move in 19 and destiny got in the way giving her the place she belongs back. It has help for her marriage to be more peaceful also. But with Carina’s words she asked herself, after all she endured for being where she is right now, did she want to fight as hard for a position of Battalion Chief? It will come with more safety away from fire but was it worth it? Would she do it for Carina and their baby or for her? Ambition is a big part of her, of winner of an Olympian gold medal but ambition was also come from the way her father raised her. Did she have it because of him? She didn’t know what respond to her wife.
“Bambina? Where your beautiful did go this time?” sawing her lost while trying to find an answer but got more question instead.
“Do you think my ambition is from Lane? I know Vincenzo never encouraged you so your ambition is yours but he push me so hard and had expectations I wanted to pursuit so do you think I have it because of him?” they shared the fact of having abusing fathers but the way the first men in their life imposed it was very different, Carina was confront to ignorance where Maya had to support the total opposite.
“I think at first in your life maybe it was his voice talking inside you but today you have your own voice and make your own choices Bella.” She responds while sharing a gentle look.
“You really think that?” doubts started to evaporate about that subject but still the blonde needed confirmation
“Of course, sometimes you also make choice with me when it concerned our family but I’m your wife it’s different we choose each other” a smile appears with this on her face.
“You are right my love, do you think Vincenzo has still power on your voice?” the smile was shared.
“Maybe…” Most of the time she doesn’t overthink it when her Papa is involved. His behavior, yes but not her respond to it, because for her it’s obvious she have to take care of it. It’s her responsibility, it’s her family! But with their conversation, she asks herself will she have the same behavior with her wife and her child? Will she take care of everything like a burden? No… Because she trusts Maya, she knows her child will be safe with their Mommy. Maybe it’s her that she doesn’t trust here? But why?
“Do you trust me with our baby?” they both learned to verbalize their fears and doubts with the other, they know it’s seiner that to keep it for themselves.
Maya was surprise by this question, in her heart and mind the respond was obvious but she questions herself where the doubt came from. And also does she trust herself with their baby herself? Rationally she knows their baby is safe with all they know about safety being a firefighter and a doctor, but the question was deeper she knows it. Carina asked her if mentally she trusts her with their baby.
“I trust you, but not him. It’s not that I don’t want your father in their life but I think we have to make sure one of us or a person we trust will be always with our baby when he’s around.” She said very seriously.
“It seems fair to me.” Nodding to her wife respond. She needed to add something to this.
“And Bambina, I trust you too with everything.” They enlaced their hands and fingers.
“You know for work, we will find a balance between yours and mine to be there for our little peanut. If I have too, I can even take a leave for being with them at home.” She really believes what she says. Her priority is her family, it’s what she vows to Carina when they started this journey again and it was also one of her wife condition anyway.
“You away from work? I really want to see that!” giggling with this.
“Don’t make fun of me! I’m serious Car’, I can do it.” She said it with what Carina qualify as her “Maya way” so that make her laugh even more.
“Car’ really, I can do it, I will do it, for you, for our baby, our family and also for me. I really want to be there for all of this. We promise it to each other when we tried again.” And now laugh was over, the only respond was a deep kiss full of love.
“You will be the best mommy my love” tears in her eyes.
“And you will be an amazing Mamma, you already are.” They shifted of position, Maya took place beside Carina, one of her hand on her belly and the other behind her wife neck, and while the brunette had one of her hand in the blonde hair of the woman she is madly in love with.
“I don’t know, I feel like I will never be enough for them…” Doubts are still there in her mind and this one was the loudest, she needed to share it with her wife.
“In what way do you think that?” what’s so powerful with the way their couple evolved is that they welcomed each other feeling. They don’t always agree with it but instead of saying the other is wrong, they asked about it for knowing why, where it came from… They understand each other most of the time and words were not always needed but still verbalize were something really important in their relationship now. Something they both want to instate with their kid.
“Being there for them… Make them feel safe…” It was something so important in her eyes something she wished, she had as a child. Her voice was shaking pronouncing those words. Too afraid that she will be indeed incapable of give that to her growing baby. While rubbing her lover belly something she loves to do since it pop out, Maya inhale and look at her.
“Carina, you’ve been here for me in ways, I didn’t thought possible. You make me feel seen, safe and so much loved. And I’m an adult, who is very not your child. How couldn’t be enough to our child who have a clean plate, to who you’re gone be the normality. Do you realize? Our baby will gone know how it is to feel loved unconditionally for whom they are. Not because they have good grades or because they won some important medical award, or because they’re running faster than other. No, none of those things. They will be loved because they came from our love, our beautiful love.” With this tears were all over Carina face but this time it was happy ones.
“I love you Bambina.”
“I love you too very very much and I really believe you’re gone be an extraordinary Mamma.” And saying this, something strange happen. They shared a look and Carina nods to confirm what the blonde thought. With this declaration of love, their baby chooses to add theirs too. First kick was made of this day.
“I think the baby agrees with me.” With her wild goofy smile that make the doctor rolls her eyes
“Of course you’re already made them take your side” another kiss was exchanged. Deep in the eyes of each other they knew they will make this work.
“I feel like what we go through in life lead to this moment, finding each other recognize one another. I’m so grateful to have you Car’. I would want to do this with anybody but you.”
“Me too Bella, we are gone heal together…”
“Let’s heal together, yes” rubbing again the space of her lover body that shelters their new story.
“We will grow with them, it’s our new journey in life. We are lucky to do it together.”
“Together always”
It’s with those words shared that, Carina’s doubts rejoin where Maya clouds are right now. Far away from them, from their happiness. More kiss and I love you came. Peace was here again in their house. And in the safety of cuddles they fall asleep knowing their future will be bright because they have each other.