Conflicting Feelings
"What about Heimdall?" Fandral suddenly blurted out, disrupting the silence and wakening Loki who had nearly drifted off. They were in Fandral's rooms, lying under the covers, with their clothes strewn across the room. It had been a few days since they had last slept together, and a month since they agreed to be lovers. Thor had left Asgard earlier today, something about him going on a quest for something, and Loki had immediately sought out Fandral.
He had to be careful, of course, as Fandral had been at the stables with Volstagg, grooming his horse. So far Loki had unlimited amount of free time as it seemed that Asgard did not expect him to do anything but be married to Thor and bear him an heir, preferably a son. Thor, however, was constantly busy and gone before Loki woke up. Their interactions consisted mostly of eating lunch and dinner together and lying in bed together with the occasional sex.
It didn't bother Loki much, but it certainly left him feeling lonely and like he had little worth besides that of a walking womb for Thor to eventually fill with his seed.
Fandral wasn't nearly as busy but he was one of Asgard's finest warriors and Thor's friend so he often spent time with Thor, Volstagg, Hogun, and Sif and Loki couldn't merely approach him in front of them, least of all in front of Thor. At least not often enough that it would seem suspicious. Still, it was usually when Loki would start to think lowly of himself and his position here that he would seek out Fandral. The warrior knew how to raise his spirits. When he wasn't constantly worrying about their affair being discovered.
"What about Heimdall?" Loki asked tiredly.
"Heimdall sees all. Surely he's seen us like this."
"If he had I'm sure he would have reported it immediately. He is loyal to the Asgardian royalty, correct?"
"Yes." Fandral replied, drumming his fingers against his stomach.
"Then he would have reported us if he knew. Lucky for us I know how to hide from his watchful gaze. We are perfectly safe from discovery, love." Loki yawned and nestled closer to Fandral's side who immediately relaxed after hearing that. Only to pout when he asked, "Why didn't you tell me you had that skill sooner?"
Loki scoffed. "Do you really think that I would risk us being discovered? That I wouldn't be absolutely sure that our affair would remain hidden from all before even going to you?"
"Well..."
"Frankly, my love, I am insulted that you would have so little faith, so little trust, in me." Loki sniffed, pulling away from Fandral's side and sitting up with his arms crossed over his chest, wincing a little. His nipples were a little sore and tender from all the attention Fandral had paid them earlier. Fandral sat up, reaching out his arms to try and pull Loki into a warm embrace but Loki placed a blue hand on Fandral's pale chest and moved somewhat stiffly, but still gracefully, off the bed.
Fandral sighed. "Loki. I did not mean to insult you, I am simply worried. Where we to ever get caught sleeping with one another there will be repercussions. Severe ones. And you will undoubtedly pay the higher price."
"You think I don't know that?" Loki snapped as he gathered up his clothing, deciding to dress himself without the aid of his magic simply to torment Fandral. "I know the risks. I know, that at any minute that I am proven to be unfaithful to Thor, everything my father bargained for will be thrown away. Asgard will be free to keep the Casket from Jotunheim indefinitely as well as closing us off from all the other realms. While I will be shipped to Jotunheim in disgrace and unable to marry again for all will know that I am not faithful and will have to live the rest of my miserable life as the disgraced runt that doomed Jotunheim. And you thought there was a possibility that I will not be careful about our affair? That I will be such a fool to allow any of that to happen?"
"Loki, no-"
"I thought you knew that I cared for you. Cared enough to protect you, protect us both, from discovery. And yet you have so little faith in me..."
"That's not what I was saying-"
But Loki had already turned away, finishing up tying the decorative sash around his waist, and coldly said, "I better return to mine and Thor's rooms. I need to bathe." And was gone in a swirl of green light before Fandral had a chance to stop him. Fandral let out an irritated sigh as he collapsed back against his pillows knowing he should probably wash up as well but not feeling in any particular hurry to do so.
Instead he let all of his irritated thoughts surrounding Loki flow freely around his head for he didn't really believe that Loki was concerned about keeping their affair secret. He seemed to revel in the idea of getting caught. He knew that there was a possibility that Loki resented being married off and possibly wanted his marriage to Thor to be annulled. Fandral wouldn't even be surprised if Loki wanted Jotunheim to suffer in some way as well, he had no clue if Loki cared for his home.
But would Loki really risk himself and Fandral?
Fandral couldn't see Loki putting himself at risk, even if it would lead to him being free of his marriage and, in a way, punishing his father. And even though their relationship revolved around lust Loki had said that he could love Fandral, that he chose him...
Surely Loki wouldn't put him at risk.
Right?
++++
Loki had already been soaking in the bath for twenty minutes when he heard horn blaring in the distance that usually announced Thor's imminent arrival. He was a little surprised as he hadn't expected him back so soon, despite not knowing when Thor had first left as he had already been gone when Loki had woken in the morning. But it was only early afternoon, where had Thor even gone?
Not that Loki really cared and, seeing as how no one had bothered to come to inform him that he needed to go and welcome Thor, Loki stayed in his bath. He felt a little sore after spending most of the late afternoon with Fandral and he had placed some soothing oil into his bath and he wasn't quite ready to get out. Most likely Thor would have other duties to attend to before he had time to see him anyway and the thought alone made him lonely.
Loki grimaced. He didn't need Thor's company. Perhaps he could ask someone where Thor was and whether he would be busy after his bath. Not only will it make him look like a dutiful spouse, but he'd be able to discover whether or not he could seek out Fandral's company again. Even if it was just to have some angry sex, even if he wasn't angry with Fandral but he suspected the warrior might be irritated with him.
No matter. Loki knew what he was doing and, despite what Fandral might think, he had no intention of getting caught.
Loki, however, was taken by surprise when he heard loud footsteps just outside the door to the bathing chambers just before it was swung open and Thor was standing there with a bright smile on his face.
"Thor?" Loki said sounding more then a little surprised and slightly caught of guard. Though he didn't bother covering himself up as he and Thor have seen each other naked several times and neither were particularly shy around the other.
"I hope I'm not interrupting your bath, I just got back." Thor closed the door softly behind him as he approached the bath Loki was soaking in and crouching down next to him, running his fingers through Loki's slightly damp hair. Loki let him. It felt good.
"Not at all," Loki answered as he let his head fall back a little, "I was merely soaking and relaxing a little. I wasn't expecting you back so soon, where did you go? You were gone before I even woke up."
"Ah.." Loki was actually a little surprised to see Thor looking a little shy and found that a little odd. He's never seen Thor acting shy or even nervous before and wasn't sure how to take that. "I apologize for not informing you where I was going but I worried it might have ruined the surprise if I did."
Loki's eyes widened slightly at that. "Surprise? What surprise?"
Thor simply flashed him a beaming smile before reaching out to rest his fingers briefly against Loki's jaw before pulling away and straightening up. "Finish your bath first. It can wait. I'll have someone send lunch to our rooms so that we may eat together alone."
"How mysterious." Loki said, raising an eyebrow at Thor but finding himself pleased at the thought of having lunch with just him. They had lunch together everyday but they were usually joined by others. Usually Thor's mother who was occasionally joined by the Allfather or Thor's friends. Which was nice. Frigga was lovely company and Fandral was usually there, but Thor's friends and father spoke mainly to Thor, even Fandral to keep their relationship secret. Loki usually just sat beside Thor, silent, and almost forgotten by everyone.
But when Thor and Loki ate together alone Thor actually made an effort to speak to Loki. And he appreciated it, even if he knew it was part of Thor's effort to make their marriage a peaceful and amicable one. And Loki generally liked Thor and he knew that even if he and Thor would never love each other as a married couple should he wouldn't mind being more friendly with him.
Loki got out of the bath after a few minutes as he didn't want to keep Thor waiting and he was rather hungry after his... activities... with Fandral. He couldn't help but look towards the door as he thought back on his morning with Fandral, knowing that Thor was waiting for him on the other side of this door. Loki felt no guilt, this was a marriage they were both forced to agree to and Loki knew that, if given the choice, they would not have chosen each other. They might be close to becoming friends but that was all.
Loki let out a sigh and waved his hand to dry himself and his hair off before moving to get dressed. Part of him wanted to simply dress in one of the silky robes he was provided with but decided against it. Thor wanted to have lunch together and, for all Loki knew, might have something else planned. So he dressed in his usual loincloths and decorative wraps around his waist, though he did forego any jewelry besides an armband that rested snugly against his right bicep.
"You look lovely." Thor greeted Loki as he stepped out to join him at the balcony where their lunch was spread out for them. It was a rather large spread for just the two of them but Loki had learned that Asgardians love their portions large. Loki no longer found the large amount of food that daunting after growing up in Jotunheim where their food supply was a lot smaller and Loki was given less as he was a runt and didn't need as much as regular Jotuns.
Loki did smile at the compliment Thor gave him and gave Thor a quick once-over before settling down in the seat across from him. "You look rather good yourself. You almost seem like you're glowing, what's caused that?"
Thor winked at Loki and said, "I am merely happy. I've been doing some thinking and let's just say that I am feeling optimistic, husband." Loki had just sliced himself a piece of meat and cheese and was half way towards placing the bite into his mouth only to freeze with his mouth wide open. Loki had never heard Thor refer to him as husband before, at least not directed at him, and Thor did not seem to find that odd. He seemed rather pleased with himself, in fact, and Loki felt... hesitant. What was Thor thinking and what was his surprise?
Loki wanted to question Thor about all this but he was already eating and Loki followed his lead. The lunch was enjoyable enough and Thor didn't seem to mind having a conversation while eating. And as Loki was finishing his cheese tart Thor took a final swig of his wine and cleared his throat. "So.. I've been thinking..."
"That must be new for you." Loki couldn't help but say and let out a little surprised laugh that Thor joined him in and didn't seem to take offense. Loki took a sip of his own wine and apologized to Thor before waving his hand for him to continue.
"Yes, well, I was actually thinking about our, uh, marriage."
Loki focused his eyes sharply on Thor. "What about it?"
Thor let out a long sigh, wringing his hands together. "There's no denying that ours is an arranged marriage where we had very little choice and that the best we could have hoped for is for us to simply be cordial with each other, which I had accepted, at the time. But I no longer think I can do so, that I can be satisfied with just that for the rest of our lives."
Loki, despite himself, had grown cold when he heard that. His first thought was that Thor knew. That despite how careful he had been about shielding him and Fandral when they were together, teaching Fandral how to be more secretive, Thor had still discovered their affair and was not willing to have a disloyal Jotun runt as a spouse.
Was that Thor's surprise?
The thought worried him and, pushing all concern for Fandral aside, Loki couldn't help but begin to panic a little and merely hoped it didn't show on his face. If Thor did want to annul their wedding, something he was sure was the cause of this chat, Loki would have no other place here and would be sent back to Jotunheim and that simply wasn't an option. Not for Loki. Not anymore because, despite how cool and unconcerned he had appeared to Fandral when they had spoken about this very outcome, it wouldn't bode well for Loki if this marriage was to end. He would be the disgraced and even more hated runt who would lead Jotunheim to their demise and not even his status as third prince would protect him anymore. The best Loki could hope for was to be executed quick and cleanly. The most likely outcome, however, was that Loki would become a true outcast, exiled and stripped of his magic with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. Left to fend for himself until he perished.
Loki would prefer the former.
He would also prefer that Thor not attempt to soften the blow with this kindness. Lifting his chin and narrowing his eyes at Thor Loki coldly said, "So you wish to annul the marriage?"
Thor, who had been staring at Loki carefully when he had gone quiet, jerked back in surprise. "What? No, no, of course not. That's not at all what I was even thinking of."
Loki eyes narrowed further in disbelief. "Oh? Then, forgive me for asking, but what are you thinking as I am completely lost."
"I'm talking about starting over," Thor began, holding one of his hands out over the table for Loki to take. Loki stared at his hand before placing his own hand in Thor's who squeezed it slightly. "To start making our own choices over what we are going to do. I want us to make this marriage ours and not just merely a way to bring our realms together in peace, as important as it is, but one we'll both be happy in. To possibly grow to love each other as we would have had this not been an arranged marriage. I want us to try."
"Try?" Loki repeated, his face pinching in, startlingly enough, nervousness. Not just because the thought had never really occurred to him but he had also actively done something that if Thor were to discover, if he truly hadn't already, would make the whole attempt to try moot. Loki had entered this marriage already feeling resentful towards Thor and with plans to start a sexual relationship with another, with one of Thor's very own friends that he trusts with his life, Loki's, and any future child(ren) they might have because he was angry. Not with Thor, not really, but he was the only one who would be hurt by Loki's actions if they were discovered.
For the first time since Loki spent that night in the cave with Fandral he felt real guilt. And he didn't like it.
"You don't have to answer right now," Thor said gently but when Loki glanced towards him he noticed that he looked a little disappointed, "you can think about my, uh, proposal and give me your answer when you're ready. Like I said earlier: I want us both to make a choice."
"Thor, I..." Loki started, unsure just what he was going to say but was saved from continuing when Thor spoke over him and said, "Oh, and I did actually bring you a surprise." Thor dug through his pockets for a few seconds before pulling something out and pulling Loki's hand, that he still held, closer to him. Loki didn't even have time to ask what Thor was doing before he was sliding something onto one of his fingers and Loki's eyes widened when he saw what it was. Resting on Loki's finger, the very same finger he wore his gold wedding band, was a startlingly silver ring with a ruby stone nestled around a circle of smaller diamonds.
"It reminded me of your eyes," Thor said and Loki looked up to see Thor staring at him fondly and had to look away from that gaze. From that fondness. It.. felt.. wrong.. to even have that look directed at him now. It was easier before when Loki believed it was mostly friendly but now that he knew that Thor wanted to make their marriage more real, to make it theirs, Loki felt a guilty twist in his stomach.
Luckily Thor merely interpreted his silence as him still admiring his new ring. "I wanted this ring to signify a new start for us and I hope you will give us that chance, but I will not hold you to it and let you come to your own decision on this matter. I simply wanted you to know my thoughts first. And know that the ring is yours no matter what you choose for you will still be my husband no matter your choice."
"Thank you," Loki replied quietly, "you are much too kind." Loki was still avoiding Thor's gaze but, out of the corner of his eye, he caught Thor's smile widening and felt even more wretched for it.
Damn you, Thor.
"Now, I have some business I have to attend to but I did promise Sif and the others to join them for dinner. Would you like to join me?"
Loki made himself look over Thor's shoulder as he smiled and said, "I would love to."