Chapter 8
And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent
Everything was touch for Steve with Bucky. It was the comforting stroke of his hands on Steves as Steve laid in the hospital bed. It was the strong but still soft grip on Steve's frail body the first time they made love and all the times after. His hands sometimes being the only thing Steve could see in his fevered state. Hands holding him, hands dampening his forehead, hands rubbing his pressure points when the voice could no longer tell him he was going to be okay.
But now his touch was nothing more than a strangers.
Or so Steve had thought. His mind is swirling from the information he got these past few days, the touch he just felt with Bucky right now, what he saw.
It was him laying in a hospital an oh too familiar sight when he was younger but instead of being alone, his mom too sick herself sometimes to visit, someone was there. A boy with brunette hair and blue eyes. Steve starred in those eyes, which smiled brightly at him and he knew. He knew they were James’.
Everything was touch for Steve with Bucky. Everything. Even remembering him.
Steve feels the panic in himself staring to rise, he doesn’t remember but he knows something’s off. He feels...off. Maybe he shouldn’t have run away, maybe James would’ve taken comfort in the fact that Steve now knows, or realizes that maybe James was telling some sort of truth.
He makes his way to Tony, practically breaking the door off its hinges on the way in. He’s covered in sweat and is met with Tony’s worried gaze.
“Steve?”
“I...I…” Steve starts pacing the sweat dripping from his face. Did he run here? He couldn’t have? No wait he took a cab. Clint is going to kill him for that later.
“Steve calm down,” Tony says. “Words? Maybe try those?”
“Remember.” Steve says. “I can’t remember. I don’t know anything.” He chokes out. “I don't know who I am.”
“Okay, okay,” Tony says. “We can work with that.”
Bucky stares at his phone. Steve just left, or rather ran, and he’s not sure exactly where he ran to. He should alert Tony, let him know, but he can’t seem to press the call button.
He puts his phone away instead not picking it up again until Tony calls him a few hours later.
“I think I lost him for good this time,” He tells Tony, not even delivering a ‘hello’.
“We got him here. We’re going to figure this out,” Tony tells him.
“If you can’t...if this can’t be fixed,” Bucky starts. “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“Do what anymore?”
“I can’t be here if he doesn’t remember me and won’t. He’s all I had left, Tony.” He confesses.
“Barnes, you’re not thinking of kill-”
“No, not that." Bucky stops before Tony can even get the word out. "Steve, regardless of where his mind is, wouldn’t want that.”
“You say it like it’s a choice of cereal. It would break him...if you...you know.”
“I know. And I don’t want to anyway I’ve come so far but I can’t stay here, with him. I can’t be reminded of what we were and what we should be. If I’m nothing more than a stranger to him I have to start over somewhere else.”
Tony sighs. “Out of the city?”
“Out of the state, I’m thinking.”
“God please don’t say Jersey.” Tony jokes.
And despite everything Bucky lets out a small laugh. “Maybe Indiana.”
“Country.”
“Yeah.”
Tony clears his throat. “Well it’s not going to come to that so don’t go stocking up on overalls just yet.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I mean I have the confidence to be sure I do. Plus when am I ever wrong?” Bucky can practically see Tony's eyesbrows go up asking for the challenge to be proven wrong.
“Well…”
“Don’t answer that.” Tony says lightly. Then after a pause he speaks seriously. “I got this, Barnes. We’ll get him back.”
“Yeah,” Bucky sounds deep in thought. Emotional.
“I mean it.”
“I know you do.”
“Okay. I’ll call you back with results.”
“He’s there now you said?”
“Yeah. I got some kinks to work out but then I can get started.”
The vagueness wasn’t lost on Bucky but he knows it’s probably too complicated to explain to him.
“One more thing,” Tony says. “This fake boyfriend, you know anything about him?”
Bucky thinks for a minute. “No, not really.”
“Know what he looks like?”
“Yeah. Tall, red hair, lean.”
“Hmm,”
“Oh wait a minute,” Bucky stops. “That agent. The new kid. He followed Steve around.”
“The shadow?”
“Yeah. I thought it was a bit much but then figured I was just being protective maybe a bit jealous.”
"Guess not. Maybe you should trust your gut more."
"Bit hard when you've been brainwashed for 70 years."
“That's fair. Fuck. Remind me to make up stricter requirements next time I decide to hire new people.”
Bucky looks down, plays with the broken wood on the counter. It's really not fair the amount of blame Tony's been putting on himself. “Yeah. But some were already there, right? By the time you started the hiring process?”
“Yup. Had to have disguised themselves as loyal to SHIELD during it’s collapse and just waiting for someone else to form it again so they could start what they tried to do all along. I mean at least that's what I assume”
Bucky sighs. “Brought me to a secluded place with armed men and where my guard will be down because I thought you were supposed to be there. I thought it was a plan you and Steve had formed.”
“Yes. Took away Steve’s memories while you were away so he wouldn’t go off looking for you or telling anyone where you went off to. When you escaped from them they must’ve thought the exhaustion would take you.”
“I didn’t know what was real when I finally found him. I mean I knew but it didn’t take much convincing for me to question it.” Bucky tells him. Now it was his turn to self blame.
“You were exhausted." Tony says. "Malnourished…”
“I know. But still.”
“It was a good plan...for them. Thought out and all that but…” Tony trails off.
“But?”
“They definitely didn’t seem to calculate no matter what you’d find each other again.”
Bucky smiles sadly, though Tony wouldn’t see it he knows it’s there. “Yeah.”
“And you’ll find each other again because you always do.”
“What if we don’t?”
“You will. If it doesn’t work this trial it’ll work the next or the next. We’ll keep trying.”
Bucky doesn’t know if he can do that. They just got each other back they were doing well. He can’t go back to being lost from each other.
“I just miss him.”
“I know,” Tony says sympathetically. “We all do. I’ll keep you posted okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Tony hangs up this time with a small bye and Bucky is left alone again. Clint checks in a few times, looks through the fridge before he’s gone again. Probably going back to his real apartment.
Buck gets a text a few days later.
Poisoned.
The hell does that mean?
He calls Tony as soon as he opens it. Luckily Tony’s not busy enough to answer it.
“Poisoned?” Bucky asks.
“Oh right. Yeah so Steve’s memory loss wasn’t caused by well the method they used on you. Yours was more...permanent, more…”
“Torture.”
“Yeah…”
“Well at least that’s good.” No pain just, forgetting the man you loved most is all.
“Only problem is this version is more fast acting yours took what..?”
“-Decades.”
“-To fully…. You know.”
“If he was poisoned why didn’t it just flush out?”
“I’m still working on that but it seems a type of poison that fuses with the body. Almost eats off part of it. In this case his-”
“Memories.” Not the most fun game of finish each other's sentences Bucky's played.
“Mhmm. And it was consistent. Done daily at least, sometimes multiple times a day.”
“How? How could he be consistently poisoned without it being either of us?”
“I’m guessing by our little redhead agent. What was his name anyway?”
“I never got it.”
“Interesting. Well he must’ve started when he was shadowing Steve. Then when Steve forgot and was convinced he was his boyfriend it was a lot easier to sneak the poison into drinks or maybe stick him with a needle as he was sleeping. And then you showed up and he wasn’t alone with him practically 24/7 anymore.”
“Couldn’t infect him as much…”
“Yeah pretty much. And I think the less he got umm infected the more drawn to you he was. The more visits with you, not only was less time to be subject to hydra’s memory loss ‘treatment’ but also the more time he spent with you the more he remembered.”
“Hmm,” Bucky thinks out loud. “Good theory except…” Bucky doesn't finish his thought.
“Except what?”
“Except he didn’t fucking remember me, Tony.” Bucky says, He changes the phone to speaker as he lays it back down on the counter.
“Well not consciously at least.”
Bucky's now free hand holds up his head, his fingers rubbing his eyes. “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about all this I really do but ...you weren’t there you didn’t see him.”
“Don’t give up hope just yet, okay? Give me time to figure this out. It’s more chemical than physical now so I have some changes to do but…”
“Yeah. If you can’t get him back just tell me okay?”
“Barnes…”
“No I’m serious. Don’t give me the whole well maybe something will come up in a week or 2 or a month or 2 months maybe a year. Just if you can’t do it. I want to know so I don’t.” Bucky stays silent for a moment and Tony waits with him patiently. Bucky clears his throat. “So I don’t go through life holding on to hope for something that won’t be.”
Tony sighs. “But I…”
“Promise. Please?”
“Promise.”
Days later or maybe a week Bucky lost count but it doesn’t take more than an “I’m sorry” text from Tony to know what’s happened. It’s done.
Bucky doesn’t sob, doesn’t drop to his knees in over dramatic agony, though he feels it inside him. He leaves his phone on the counter, undresses, and starts the shower. One last shower here.
He looks up at the faucet, the water combining with his tears dripping down his face. He closes them and lets the warm water attempt to comfort him till it turns cold.
He checks his phone mostly out of habit and sees two missed calls from Tony. He sighs and decides to call him back. He should let him know he’s leaving he supposes.
“Your text was enough, Tony I don’t need further explanation-”
“He left.”
“What?” Panic rises in Bucky despite everything.
“He just took off.” Tony doesn’t sound worried or even a little on edge.
“He just took off?”
“Yeah we tried starting easy. Asked him about Sam, to which he thought was an ex girlfriend which I’m sure Sam would enjoy...in different circumstances of course.”
“Shit Sam I didn’t even think...he forgot Sam too?”
“Yup. Apparently they took memories of people that would interfere or pay enough attention to Steve to know what was wrong...which makes me feel a little guilty.”
“But is he safe? His mission with Nat?”
“All real. I just talked to them.”
Bucky breathes a sigh of relief for once. Part of him feels he should tell Sam he’s leaving too. He deserved some sort of goodbye. “Do they know?”
“No I figured the distraction wasn’t good for them.”
There goes that then, Bucky thinks
“Right. But you couldn’t make him remember?”
“No but Buck-”
“I have to go.” Bucky interrupts, hoping Tony couldn’t hear his voice choking up.
“Wait he might come to you.” Tony says quickly.
“If it didn’t work with your technological advancements it’s not going to work simply because of me.”
“I mean...you might be wrong" Tony says bluntly, " but that’s not what I meant.”
“Huh?”
“He left here. The only places he knows of is here, his place, which I know he’s not dumb enough to return to, and Clint’s very sketchy possibly some side business deal of an apartment.”
Bucky hears a “hey” in the background and then Tony’s “What am I wrong?”
“So you think he’ll show up here?”
“Most likely.”
Buck sighs. “Alright well I’ll keep him here till you guys get here then I’m gone. I can’t do it anymore Tony”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Bucky is silent for a while, wiping away tears that showed up again seemingly without him knowing. He pulls his phone away from his face sure that Tony hung up by now but the call was still going.
“Thanks for… trying though Tony.”
“‘Course. Call me if you need anything...ever. Okay?”
“Yeah,” Bucky shakes his head and sniffles. He clears his throat harshly. “I’ll see you.”
And with that they hang up.
Bucky sits there, staring at his phone, staring at the “I’m sorry” message over and over, begging for it to really say “I’m sorry...for worrying you he’s fine.”. But it doesn’t and now he has to live a life where Steve really is gone.
He gets up from his place leaving his phone there for him to retrieve later. He pulls out a duffle they had brought filled with his clothes when they first got here and starts filling it with his clothes that had been transferred to drawers. He grabs his razor, that he’s not even positive is his, and whatever toiletries he can put in. He’s stuffing his last piece of clothing in when he hears banging on the door. He curses the fact that he doesn’t have a weapon on him but shrugs it off as it doesn’t matter much now anyways.
The knocking gets louder and he’s unsure if it’s friendly but agitated or a threat. But like he said...he doesn’t care much anymore.
He walks to the door and so much for a safe house as the damn doors don’t even have peepholes.
He opens it a crack, keeping the chain on, to see who it is.
“Oh,” he says as the man looks up. “It’s you.”
He closes the door and unchains it then opens it again to let the stranger in. He walks away letting the man close the door behind him.
“Tony said you might come here,” Bucky says. “Guess if anything you’re predictable.”
“Bu-”
Bucky looks to Steve even though he didn’t want to and notices he’s soaked in water. Bucky didn’t even know it was raining.
“You’re wet.” His understatement interrupts whatever Steve was going to say. He walks into the bathroom and comes out with a towel. He hands it to Steve and goes back to making his distance between him.
“Bucky...”