Chapter 7
You were closing up, busy deep cleaning the rooms like you did every Saturday night. You never were open on Sundays, needing at least a day to recover from the number of people you dealt with on a daily basis. You had just finished cleaning up the second reservation room and let out a heavy sigh. You always counted the times you deep cleaned as a workout in itself; it took you forever to clean up properly. You knew you didn't have to clean so deeply every single week but in all honesty, it made you feel much better. It was one of many reasons why you liked owning your business and being in control was one of the bigger reasons.
Unfortunately, you felt like that control had been slipping ever so slightly, day by day, this week. Bucky was quite literally driving you insane. Bucky hadn't been the same since the avengers visited. He'd been on edge, checking all the windows, doors, and even vents at your apartment every morning and night. Sometimes he'd come visit the café and just go straight up to your apartment to check and then leave again. You'd figured that with some time he’d get over it and so you tried to let it be but with each passing day it only seemed to be getting worse. He’d devolved into a ghost who wandered through the cafe and your apartment.
Even though he was around more often, Bucky was more and more distant than before. Even now, he’d stopped by around 30 minutes ago in the middle of your cleaning and barely said hi before he was heading to the back and up the stairs. Now, as you finally finished cleaning up and stashed away the mop and bucket in the closet, it took everything in you not to storm upstairs and cuss him out. You checked the wall clock to see it was 9:30 and felt proud for finishing up quicker than you usually would.
You turned off all the lights and made sure that the doors were locked and that the window security bars were pulled down and locked into place. ‘ He’s just worried about you. He’s got a dangerous job after all.’ As you climbed up the stairs, you tried to reason with yourself more and calm down. ‘ You may have only known him for a couple of months but he’s always tried to protect you in his own weird way.’
You used the key to unlock the front door but it was already unlocked. You shrugged your shoulders, knowing that Bucky had come up earlier and would’ve explicitly told you he was leaving. Even if he was in some sort of funk, he still at least said hi and goodbye.
“Bucky? Where are you?” You called out into the apartment. You were met with silence and sighed as you shut and locked the door behind you and kicked off your shoes. You dropped your bag as Napoleon came up to you, sniffing your hand. You’d managed to reason yourself out of cursing him out but it didn’t last long when you fully walked into your apartment to find it absolutely trashed.
“What. The. Fuck. ” Even Napoleon could tell that you were mad. Beyond mad. You were downright furious. Your poor dog snuck off into the bedroom and you felt awful for yelling and scaring him. It was hard to keep your cool though when you saw the state of your house. You were seconds away from screaming. “ James! ”
He was there almost immediately, looking for any signs of danger. He’d come from the bathroom and you didn’t even want to think about the mess that was in there. “What’s wrong? Did you hear something? Did something happen downstairs?” He was scanning the apartment for signs of struggle or something broken.
“James what the fuck do you think you’re doing messing up my house!”
The coffee table and rug were moved into the corner, your bookcases looked rifled through and your couch was on its side. Looking over to the kitchen you found that all of the drawers and cabinets were opened. Even your dishwasher was opened. When Bucky went to speak, you held your finger up and he immediately shut his mouth. Pinching the bridge of your nose, it took a long sigh and an even longer minute for you to calm down enough to have a halfway decent conversation with him.
“Listen, I understand that you have trust issues and that this - us - is a lot for you. I would be lying if I said that this wasn’t a lot for me as well. I’ve tried to be patient and kind to you while you do whatever the fuck it is that you’re doing. This has to stop though! I can’t deal with you treating me like air. I can’t deal with you acting like it’s the end of the world every single day. I definitely can’t deal with you fucking up my house! This needs to stop or I can’t let you come over anymore.”
When you were finished, you finally looked up at Bucky to find him devastated. You wanted to apologize immediately but realistically you knew that you’d said nothing wrong. Bucky moved to the overturned couch and put it back upright as though nothing had happened. If you weren’t so mad, you would’ve laughed at the outlandish fact that he moved the couch so easily. He sat down and patted the space next to him. Probably against your better judgment, you joined him.
“Look doll I- You’re just,” He fumbled for words, trying to find the right thing to say, “If anything were to happen to you, I’d never forgive myself.” Bucky ran his fingers through his hair and let out a deep sigh. “She was right y’know?”
“Wait, who? About what?” Now it was your turn to be confused.
“Natasha. When she asked if you weren’t scared of being with me? She’s right. You should be scared. You could get hurt or killed or tortured or anything else and it’d all be because of me .” You could see the fear in his eyes. When you went to take his hand, there was a slight tremble in them.
“Bucky, I knew what I was getting myself into. Sure I have to be more careful and sure it totally doesn’t help my anxiety,” you smiled playfully at that, “but I chose you. I choose you every day and that fear won’t stop me.”
Bucky was scared, lost, confused, and so in love with you all at the same time. He'd heard that love was confusing and you could never predict but that hadn’t prepared him for this. It hadn’t prepared him for this fear. It certainly hadn’t prepared him for you.
You, who time and time again showed him what real love was and what it could do. You, who sat here in your ransacked apartment trying to console him. Really, it made Bucky want to forget every single bad thing in the world and stay in the small bubble where the only thing was your calm love that was willing to go through anything, just for him.
But he couldn’t do that. The fear came back in full force when he thought of how much danger his love put you in. There was every chance that you could die and it’d be his fault.
“Doll, I need to protect you and I’m sorry you had to come home to a messy house but I can’t promise that I won’t do it again.” It was true after all. If there was even the slightest chance you were in danger, he’d rip apart the world to find you.
“Buck, unless you locked me in a basement under the ocean, there’s always gonna be the chance that I’ll be in danger.”
He practically deflated at the statement.
“But if it makes you feel better there are cameras all around the shop and we can talk about installing a home security system. We can work on self-defense for me too. Besides, it isn’t like you're not constantly here.” You smiled and gently dragged your thumb over the palm of his hand.
Yeah, okay yeah. He could work with that. He should’ve thought of cameras a long time ago anyways. The kind of cameras that no one can hack into and the kind only he and you have access to.
“Sure doll. We can start there. I just want you to know that I’ll always do everything I can to keep you safe.” Bucky smiled softly.
It was insane how easy it was for you to calm him down and make everything better. How easily he fell into believing such simple solutions. How easy it was to trust your judgment. There was no doubt about how deeply you’d wormed your way into his life and heart.
“Now that that’s figured out, I guess I should start cleaning up.” You let out a heavy sigh as you looked at the mess that surrounded the two of you. It made bucky feel awful; no one wants to come home from a long day of work to an even messier house.
“Don’t worry ‘bout that doll. I’ll get it all straightened up.” He smiled and got up to get to work before you could say something else. Unfortunately, that didn’t do much as you stood up and headed to the kitchen. You started to straighten up in there.
“We’ve still got a lot to talk about y’know. So let’s clean up and I’ll put on some tea. I’ve still got some plum muffins in the fridge for you.” Bucky was so glad that your back was turned to him. He wasn’t sure he’d have been able to hold himself together if you’d looked at him while you said that.
Bucky kept his eyes focused on the papers he was picking up. He tried to ignore the almost painful squeezing of his heart. If he thought too hard about how much you meant to him, it might destroy everything. Bucky already knew that he’d do whatever it took to keep this peace safe. To keep you safe.
Damn protocol. Damn the avengers. Damn every single law in this world. He’d kill anyone who had ill-will to you. Bucky knew that his hands were already bloody with sins that he couldn’t wash off. So who would mind a bit more? Not him. Not if it was for you.