Chapter 1
Tony fucking hates anthropology, doesn’t even see the point in it but the teacher’s assistant is hot and he is nothing if not ingenuitive in his efforts to get in the guy’s pants. Rhodey had been all ‘you don’t even know if he’s not straight’ and Tony told him he best take another fucking look at that infinity scarf because straight men would think that, along with Bucky’s basic hygiene, is gay. Rhodey had no argument for that but that’s mostly because he’d gotten into an argument with some guy in the lab earlier about the apparent gayness of Rhodey’s lotion that ended in Rhodey yelling ‘not all of us are white, I don’t like being ashy damnit!’ Tony almost died laughing, honestly.
Point is he damn well knows Bucky isn’t straight and he also knows after three weeks of listening to wretched lectures that he’s absolutely not one of those few straight men who know fashion is an art that does not make you gay. He’s not very subtle in the way he looks Tony over and Tony soaks it in, always pleased to get attention. Everyone else in the class doesn’t like him for it but that could be because Bucky gives someone who’s so absolutely horrible way too much time to talk. Though to be fair that’s also because Tony doesn’t understand why studying this shit is important. Humans use symbols, big fucking deal. That’s not even cool or special. Too bad Bucky hadn’t been into biological anthropology, at least there’s actual science there and Hope told him they got to play with baboon bones while Tony watched people freak out about chickens because some people poisoned them thinking they were oracles.
In his defense when he pointed out their blatant hypocrisy given how cruel the poultry industry is it actually spawned a good debate. Bucky had even looked impressed and Tony had been eternally grateful because he’d just been annoyed that these idiots didn’t know how their nuggets got made. If they’re going to insult people they should at least know that they aren’t exactly less cruel. Also poisoning chickens thinking their going to reveal some kind of truth in an argument is fucking stupid and the only reason it worked in the damn documentary they watched was due purely to coincidence. Sure, the oracle was right, but it had a fifty percent chance of being right anyways. That’s hardly scientific. That spawned a whole new debate except that one was about culture and shit and Tony didn’t care about any of that so he sort of tuned out.
“Anthropology isn’t your thing, is it?” Bucky asks as he stuffs his notebook back into his bag. Normally he doesn’t need to write things down, math and science comes easy to him, but anthropology? If he doesn’t write it down with some detailed explanation he’s fucking lost.
“No. I’m doing a PhD in engineering and theoretical math,” he says. “Is it that obvious?”
Bucky laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, just a little. I know you do the readings, but you don’t understand them at all. No offense, but I don’t think I’ve met anyone who is this bad at anthropology, its all straight forward,” he says.
Straight forward? Fuck no it isn’t. Math is straight forward- you put in the numbers, you get a result. Anthropology is all guesswork, educated guesswork, but guesswork. “I think we have different definitions of straight forward. None of this makes any sense to me, you’re all making these absurd leaps based off nothing.”
“Its not nothing, you just aren’t seeing the something. Someone is too used to math doing most of the work for him,” he says and Tony makes an offended noise.
“Excuse you I will have you know that math is very difficult and does not do any work for me!” he says. What does that even mean?
“Oh honey, I know math is hard. I failed it like five times before my teacher took pity on the tear marks on my exam and told me he’d pass me if I never took another math course again and that was not a hard deal to take. But it doesn’t involve the same kind of analysis anthropology does,” he says.
Yeah, no shit. “Okay but like… what’s the point? We had an entire argument today about poisoning chickens like we don’t treat our chickens like shit, that makes no sense to judge other people for the same things we do,” he says.
Bucky nods, “ethnocentric is the term you’re looking for- judging other cultures based off your own assumptions of cultural superiority, usually. You did the same when you said using chickens as oracles is stupid and lacking a scientific basis. That and cognitive dissonance,” Bucky says.
Cognitive- what? “Buddy, you are speaking a language I don’t understand right now,” he says.
“It means holding an inconsistent set of values or opinions. Like people who are pro-life and also pro-war and anti healthcare. Makes no sense to be all three of those things at once. Or to criticize people for animal cruelty when you’re consistently complicit in cruelty to animals. Make sense?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.
“Huh. And I thought that was just idiocy,” he says and Bucky laughs.
“You’ll find social science has all sorts of words for things you haven’t thought about or had written off as people being stupid. You clearly need the help in understanding the subject though, do you want to grab coffee?” he asks and Tony just about starts jumping around.
“If I have a chance at passing this course yeah, that might be for the best,” he says.
*
Okay its such a fucking stupid idea, Steve is going to kick his ass when he finds out about this, and honestly two weeks ago Bucky would have kicked his own ass over this. Cognitive dissonance is right- you don’t go on dates with the damn students. Or he thinks this is a date, he’s not sure because Tony is kind of sending some mixed signals and he hasn’t strayed from anthropology questions. “Conspiracy theories? That’s what you chose to do a thesis on? Why? They’re all easily written off, obviously fake, racist, or antisemitic. What value is there in learning about that?” he asks.
Ah, value of learning. Tony spends a lot of time on that and has written off social sciences as a whole pretty much because he doesn’t understand them. It’s not the first time Bucky has run into that from a STEM major, but it is the first time they weren’t really a dick about it. “Knowing how people use fear as a tool to turn people against minority groups is actually highly useful, and being able to understand their arguments to actually combat them is also useful,” he says.
Tony wrinkles his nose and Bucky knows its because he makes a point, this isn’t the first time he’s had this discussion either. “Conspiracy theories are still stupid and the people who perpetuate them are even more stupid,” he says, nose in the air.
“Eloquent,” Bucky says, laughing when Tony looks offended. “You aren’t used to being the one in the conversation who knows less, are you?”
He sighs. “No, not at all. I’m always the smartest in the room, except when you’re in it I guess.”
“Or anyone else who knows more about social science than you. What exactly do you do?” he asks, curious. Tony clearly hates social science, but he is curious about what kind of hard science he’s into.
Tony lights up immediately, “I’m fine tuning a secondary semi autonomous AI system that’s designed to learn from the first one I build a few years ago. JARVIS is great, but I’m curious if he can teach FRIDAY how to be more human. She’s a bit robotic at the moment,” he says and Bucky frowns.
“Well, they are technically… you know, lines of code,” he says.
“Lines of code meant to alter their coding patterns almost totally on their own based on what gets the best results. Like humans learning from experience,” he says.
Bucky raises an eyebrow, “that’s possible?” he asks. “Because that sounds like science fiction.”
Tony grins, leaning forward in his chair with a new kind of confidence Bucky hasn’t seen on him in class. Mostly because he always looks a little frustrated and confused there. ‘I got told it was impossible but I don’t like limits. I made it possible. And no, JARVIS is not going to take over the fucking world. Five minutes on the internet convinced him humans weren’t worth taking over, comment sections are cesspools,” he says.
He waits for the punch line because that sounds absurd but when it doesn’t come Bucky starts laughing. “You had your AI read comment sections to convince it not to kill humanity?” he asks. “That’s fucking hilarious.”
“Yeah, well. It did what it was intended to do and it helped JARVIS learn human speech patterns and slang. He’s not as good at teaching as he is a learning though, I’ve determined that FRIDAY is learning more from me and my interactions with Rhodey- my partner- than JARVIS,” he says.
Partner? Shit, of course he’d be barking up the wrong tree even if he guessed Tony’s sexuality right. Dude practically radiates chaotic bisexual vibes. But if he’s with someone already Bucky is even more in the wrong than he already was… “What’s he like, your partner?” he asks and Tony clues in right away before wrinkling his nose.
“Ew no, not like that. I mean I love Rhodey, but no. He’s with some other guy he refuses to let me meet because he thinks I’m going to scare Sam off or something,” he says and Bucky swears to god the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.
“Sam Wilson?” he asks. Because if it is Sam Wilson he will be happy to find another way into the man’s life to try and ruin it from the inside out. He doesn’t remember how their rivalry started, why its even continuing, but he fucking hates Sam goddamn Wilson.
“Yeah, you know him?” Tony asks, eyes bright like he’s going to get some information out of Bucky and hell yes he is. Time to ruin Sam’s budding relationship.
The rant he goes on is probably unnecessarily wrong but when Bucky describes Sam as the pineapple on pizza of people- in a bad way because anyone who enjoys pineapple on pizza is a heathen- Tony throws his head back and laughs. And then he throws out that as an Italian he agrees and Bucky feels totally vindicated because even the Italians agree and that’s where pizza comes from. And then, because Bucky thinks this has gone well, he invites Tony to a party.
*
Rhodey tries to drag Tony’s ass back to his room, citing that he’s not even old enough to drink and Tony thinks that’s stupid. He can legally join the army in a week but he can’t do shots? Stupid as fuck. How is dying less of a problem than drinking? So he sneaks out and goes anyways and also tells Rhodey that his choice in men apparently sucks so maybe stick to women. Bucky had been hilariously unimpressed with Sam Wilson and Tony likes Bucky so he’ll take his opinion on Sam, the pineapple on pizza of people.
He ends up finding Bucky by some big ass blonde who looks deeply unimpressed by Tony’s mere presence but Bucky steers him away fast to get drinks. Five of those later he’s sitting in Bucky’s lap with his hands curled around that infinity scarf dragging Bucky into a kiss. Bucky has his hands on his waist and damn; he’s skilled in the kissing department. “This is a terrible idea,” Bucky mumbles, nipping at Tony’s lip.
Yeah, probably, but what’s the fun in an idea that’s safe and easy? “Kind of what I’m known for,” he tells Bucky. Rhodey will so not be proud, Pepper may kick his ass, and he’s probably never going to tell his mother about this but its not like he’s looking for approval anyways.
Bucky leans in and kisses him again, “I think I like your bad decisions even if I’m probably going to get fired,” he says.
Tony laughs, “we’re in a locked bedroom, I don’t think you can get fired for something people don’t know about,” he points out.
“I favor you in class, which is ridiculous because you’re fucking shit at anthropology. You’re hot, but you should stick to math,” Bucky tells him, laughing.
He’s offended, really. “Well you’re probably worse at math than the avocado I ate this morning if you cried on one of your math exams,” he says.
Bucky lets out a loud snort, “buddy, that avocado could totally do math in circles around me,” he says, leaning forward and kissing Tony again. His hands tighten a little on Tony’s hips, pulling him closer as Tony wraps his arms around Bucky’s neck. Anthropology is almost worth it too, even if Tony thinks he probably could have found a better way to get here. Not that he minds now with Bucky’s lips on his, quietly insistent in a way that’s entirely way too attractive.
*
When Tony wakes up the next morning Bucky is sitting beside him with a bunch of books spread out around him and his laptop sitting on his crossed legs. “Hey gorgeous,” Tony murmurs, crawling into Bucky’s personal space, “what are you doing?”
“Reading about Jewish people being reptilian lizards that are taking over the world,” he says and Tony wrinkles his nose.
“Ever been tempted to believe that shit after reading so much of it?” he asks. He knows how much reading goes into a PhD; people go nutty with less motivation than being steeped in bullshit theories.
Bucky lets out a loud snort, “hell no. Aside from these theories being fucking ridiculous I’m Jewish, so its an extra level of offensive,” he says.
He lets out a sigh of relief, “thank god, because I am not waking up one day to find you in a fucking tin foil hat,” he says. He has no patience for it.
A slow, deliberate smile spreads across Bucky’s face, “so this is more than a one time thing, hmm?” he asks. Shit, Tony hadn’t meant to say that. “Don’t look so panicky, I don’t tend to do one night stands. Not my style.”
It is Tony’s, usually. Maybe its his age, that’s probably what Rhodey would attribute it too even if Tony thinks that’s kind of offensive. Just because he’s young doesn’t mean he lacks perspective. Ok so he probably lacks a lot, but he’s pretty sure age won’t help with most of his lacking perspective, he’s just a born dumbass. “Good. Just know I have no patience for tin foil hats,” he tells him, nose in the air.
“Good to know,” Bucky tells him, pressing his face into Tony’s neck, kissing the skin there.
“So,” Tony tells him, laughing as Bucky’s teeth craze over his jaw, “breakfast?”
“God, yes. I ran out of leftover pizza yesterday, I’m starving,” he says.
Tony makes a face, “ran out of leftover pizza? Honey, who is feeding you?” he asks. He remembers the days where Rhodey ate left over pizza for three days. It was a dark time for them all.
“I’m feeding me, which is probably the problem,” Bucky says. “I think I might have waffles somewhere but I also have five roommates so those waffles might be Steve’s. Or Clint’s. We should write our names on stuff, I damn well know Rumlow has stolen my canned tomatoes.”
Canned tomatoes? God, that sounds like Tony’s version of hell. “No, I can’t allow you to live like this. Canned tomatoes? Disgusting, Bucky. Come on, we have some fine dining to do,” he says, pushing a textbook out of his way to climb out of bed. Fuck that thing is uncomfortable.
“One: the finest dining I can afford is McDonald’s on a good day. Two: I wouldn’t fit into a fine dining kind of place even if I could afford it,” Bucky points out and yeah that’s true. His hipster meets cracked out raccoon- which really isn’t a look anyone should be able to pull off let alone look hot in- would absolutely not fit in at a country club.
“Well, the good news is that your average well fucked, morning after rich boy doesn’t fit in either. Also who says you’re paying? I have more money than you would probably see in you’re entire lifetime, out of bed. Thinking of you eating maybe Clint’s waffles and canned tomatoes makes me sad,” he says. Hell, if he feels like causing a disturbance he’ll invite Rhodey out too. Actually, scratch that, he should prepare Bucky for that first before throwing him to the metaphorical wolves. Rhodey would absolutely eat him if Tony didn’t stop him first.
That earns him a laugh that almost sounds nervous, “uh, no. I’m not using you for your money,” he says and Tony shrugs.
“To be honest even if you did you’d have a pretty tough time finding the bottom of my bank account and I have it on good authority that when you have a shit ton of money you should use it to help poor college students who apparently eat canned tomatoes. Come on,” Tony says, throwing a shirt at Bucky from the floor.
Bucky frowns, “this is yours, I am not that small. It’d probably be a crop top on me,” he says.
Okay, rude, Tony is not that small. He’s just a little under average by like five inches and that’s not even a lot so ha. “You’d probably look hot in a crop top, just saying,” he says and Bucky laughs.
“You’re persistent,” he notes.
“Yeah, persistent enough to take an anthropology class because they TA is hot,” Tony says.
Bucky’s face lights up with laughter and surprise, “that’s why you took the class? Is this a movie scene? People do that in real life? You make things interesting, I’ll give you that,” Bucky tells him.
Hell yeah he does.