Tony stood there, petrified, his breath short and unsteady as his sight started to blur out, once again. He knew what was about to come. He recognized the dark, starless sky upon the wasteland of blood and dust in front of him, he recognized the cold, almost frosty air that would make his hands numb and his lips chapped, he recognized the howl of the wind, sharp like a knife against his wounded and bruised skin, naked of his precious armor, defenseless, vulnerable.
He recognized that place and he wished he didn’t.
A shiver ran down his spine as a figure materialized right in front of him. It was blurry, faint, dust shaped in the form of a man, but Tony knew exactly who he was.
Stop.
A voice echoed in the dark, the sandman trembled and Tony closed his eyes.
‘Don’t do it… please don’t do it…’
Spare his life… and I will give you the stone…
The ground started to shake violently underneath Tony’s feet as screams and cries filled the air. Tony kept his eyes closed shut, arms wrapped around himself as he tried to block all those desperate, broken voices out of his head but he was never able to do so. Men and women calling out names, children screaming for help, louder and louder, as his chest began feeling heavy and his head began to spin violently. An horrible sinking feeling dragged him down in what Tony always assumed to be a pool of blood, but he never had the courage to open his eyes.
You could have saved us…
It wasn’t enough. In so deep to make it hard for him to breathe but not enough to make it impossible.
You could have saved us…
He screamed. He screamed at the top of his lungs trying to get rid of all the air that was keeping him alive, trying to escape that torture, he screamed out in pain, in fear, in anger.
-Tony.
And when his eyes snapped open it was still dark. But no blood nor dust was dragging him down. The room was silent, except for his heavy breathing and the ticking of the clock. Everything was so calm, so quiet, still and frozen, so perfect that it seemed unrealistic. His t-shirt was wet, his skin cold and yes, he was still breathing. But he wasn’t alone.
-Tony? Look at me…
Tony swallowed hard as he forced his eyes to focus on the figure that was laying on the bed next to him.
-Hey- Steve murmured, tiredness evident in his voice but he managed to smile up at Tony and the man reached out for his hand, an impulse that he couldn’t – and maybe didn’t even want to stop. Steve held his cold hand in his own, drawing small circles on the top of it, still trying to catch Tony’s gaze.
-It was just a bad dream- Steve said softly, Tony’s grip was strong, his muscles tense as if Steve could fade away in any moment. Well, how could you blame him after all.
-You’re alright, Tony. I’m here. Can you hear me?
Tony nodded but remained quiet, still not looking at Steve in the eyes. Steve pulled him closer, letting his head rest on his chest as his free hand started stroking Tony’s hair in a reassuring and shooting way.
-Same dream?- Steve asked softly, pulling the covers up and wrapping them around Tony’s cold body.
-Yeah…- Tony whispered, closing his eyes. But he suddenly opened them again, unable to stand the darkness, not that soon.
-He shouldn’t have done that. He shouldn’t—I was so close, so…
-Tony…-Steve breathed out, pulling Tony’s body closer but the other one didn’t react, he was just laying there like a puppet, a broken, useless puppet. That’s how he felt, at least.
-I couldn’t stop him… they died and it’s my fault…
-It’s everyone’s fault Tony—
-I was arrogant and selfish and stupid and people died because of me and I hate myself—I hate myself so much Steve– Tony was sobbing by this point, clinging into Steve’s shirt, shivering because of that coldness that no matter what, he was never able to get rid of.
The nightmares had started after some weeks Thanos had wiped away half of the universe, and that’s just because for the first weeks he hadn’t been able to sleep at all. It was New York all over again, but this time the price to pay had been higher. The highest they could have paid. Tony had tried everything, he had tried to stay awake for weeks, but eventually his body had started to suffer from it, his defenses had lowered and that’s when the nightmares had started. At first it was Peter’s death. At first, it was just sorrow, it was Peter’s eyes filled with fear and panic, it was his body turning into dust every night for weeks. Then the sorrow turned into self-loathing and that’s when the dreams started changing. That’s when he started dreaming about that trade, his life for half of the universe, a life that Tony didn’t want anymore, a life that had pushed him over the edge more than once, yet every time the fall wasn’t high enough, the damage wasn’t bad enough. The only difference between the other falls and this one was that in the past, Tony had always tried to pick up the broken pieces on the ground, he had always tried to put them back together, just for them to be smashed down again and again. Now, he laid there, broken, tired, tired of falling, and he didn’t even want to try to get up again. He was broken and tired of breaking up, but that was the point: he couldn’t break again if he was already broken. It was easier than building up fake hopes all over again, they wouldn’t last, it would hurt and Tony was so tired of hurting. Of course he had to survive. Of course, life had to make fun of him till his last breath. Tony didn’t know if that was some kind of fucked up karma or whatever, but he knew that he was tired of being a survivor.
-Tony- Steve breathed, his voice was soft but firm and Tony took a deep breath, trying to calm down –I know it’s hard but you have to stop this.
-I can’t—
-I’m not asking- Steve interrupted him and Tony froze, biting his lip –What happened it… it was fucked up. We’ve fucked up, every single one of us, for different reasons. We let arrogance and pride prevail, we let sorrow for our losses blind us, we had to make decisions, difficult ones, maybe the most difficult we’ve ever made while we were running out of time, we had to put our trust in the hands of strangers, we had to make sacrifices we weren’t supposed to make and all of this… all of this broke us. Look at me.
Steve tilted his head gently and he finally could see into those big doe eyes, he could see sorrow, he could see fear. His heart broke at that sight and his hand came to wipe away the tears that were streaming down Tony’s face.
-Strange knew what he was doing. He saw what was about to happen and Tony, if your life was worth an infinity stone then you shouldn’t even think of throwing it away.
Tony sighed softly and looked down, but he didn’t turn his back to Steve.
-I don’t think it is. Maybe he put his trust in the wrong man.
-But that’s up to you to decide- Steve told him –He made his choice. You can decide if it was the wrong one or the right one.
-And I don’t think I want that responsibility, Steve- Tony said, shivering again.
-I know-Steve said, kissing his forehead as he closed his eyes. –And I wish there was a way to make it easier. I wish I could just free you from all the pain and the anger and tell you that it’s all over, tell you that it will be alright and that there are no more decisions to make, no more sacrifices, no more fights. But I would lie. And a lie is so appealing, it has such a sweet taste at first, but then it only ends up hurting, because a lie is no more than a lie, a temporary solution that doesn’t change the fact that sooner or later, we have to face reality.
Tony wrapped his arms around Steve, gripping his shirt as if he was some kind of salvation, his lifeline.
-Don’t leave me.
And how much they hurt, these three words. How many times he had whispered them that day in Siberia, like some kind of desperate mantra, waiting for Steve to come back to him but he never did. He had tried to erase that memory, a memory that made him feel weak and vulnerable, but now… now he didn’t even try to hide anymore. He couldn’t trust Steve, that’s what he had told himself every time the thought of calling him had crossed his mind in the last three years. But he was far from caring, right now. Right now, he only wanted someone, he wanted him, his lifeline, a lie maybe…
-I won’t. I promise.
But was it, really? He allowed himself to trust Steve, one last time. And maybe he had just unconsciously picked up the pieces again, maybe that promise had cost him another try, another breakdown. He couldn’t know but he was tired of resisting, and he smiled, a tired smile that was far too genuine, far too broken, and far too relived to be a lie. And he knew Steve was smiling as well, but he didn’t dare to look up at him. Maybe was just too scared, too scared to know that he had made a mistake. Maybe right now, he just wanted his temporary solution.