An Old Refrain
Steve had always enjoyed his alone time, always enjoyed his own lingering thoughts and working things out on his own. Lately however, he’s been craving company. Someone to bounce ideas off, and to just share his space with. Ever since James walked back into his world he had found himself longing the companionship of another person. He noticed more now how he felt when James wasn’t around; the ache of having to hold onto his thoughts or ideas until James was around; wanting to share certain things with him only. He itched to ask him an endless string of questions about himself, who James had been as a kid, about his family and how he had found himself in future as well. His mind was never quiet, he was always thinking of something new to bring up to James; the main issue being that James wasn’t always around. He was on mission most of the time or making his presence scarce in case someone was watching. James was always concerned that Hydra was going to learn of the Nomad’s location, so James would disappear for days at a time, all the while Steve was left waiting.
Tonight, he knew he had stayed up too late, fallen asleep on his love seat while reading The Absolutist; his mind swimming with thoughts of war time and forbidden feelings; his mind couldn’t help but bring forth trinkets of memories into his dreams. Swirling visions of a laboratory, filled with empty silver surgical tables and surfaces covered with tools. Voices on the other side of the doors, trying to gain entry. Rough, trained hands took his by his shoulders and spoke in a rushed, quiet voice.
“Steve, think about this for two seconds…” It was Sam, his trusted handler and his only friend. What more could he do but laugh at Sam’s words? He was already crying, crying for what was about to happen, crying for everything that had happened in his life. Everything that had been taken from him already, how was all this fair?
“…if you do this, you’ll lose everything.” Sam was pleading but they were running out of time. It was now or be captured, both enduring god-knows-what until their bodies finally give out. Steve laughed again through his tears.
“I lost everything worth having in 1944.” He said with a wry smile. Amid the chaos around them, Sam did his best to smile and comfort his friend by squeezing his small shoulders. It was the best he could do to convince him that this was a good plan. He helped Steve strap himself into the ice-like machine and hooked wires to his temples, making sure that the settings on the screen beside him were all set to the correct parameters. Once everything was in place, Sam looked to Steve once more to make sure that this was what he wanted. Steve closed his eyes, letting a tear fall down his pale cheek before nodding; a swift goodbye to a life he had always known.
The remembrances of incredible pain were enough to cause Steve to wake from his dream, screaming. Springing up in bed and feeling immediately lost. He was sweating, and it felt like his head had been lit of fire from the inside. As he struggled to catch his breath, he felt his mattress dip beside him. Strong arms surrounded him, he gripped them tight as he opened his blurry eyes and found James beside him. There was no time to be modest or embarrassed; he felt suddenly safe. Fresh, hot tears rolled down his cheeks as he rested his head against warm shoulders, feeling his breath begin to even out. As Steve began to calm, James lifted his arm hand to skirt through Steve’s light blonde hair; endlessly comforting.
His breathing became even, and Steve couldn’t help but focus on the intimacy of the situation. He had never had anyone in his room before, let alone in his bed. He could recognize the familiarity of James’ fingers skirting through his hair, he wondered if he did this often back in the old days. Although he realized it wouldn’t have been old for him, it would have just been another day in the life. Steve squeezed his eyes shut and begged himself to remember.
“I wish I could explain it correctly.” Steve said finally, his voice breaking. He pulled his head away from the comforting shoulder to look at James. His eyes looked dark blue in the darkness of Steve’s room. Even though they were face to face now, Steve still held onto James’ shoulders for support. He could feel that his left shoulder was stiffer than his other side, he assumed now that his metal hand was a metal arm; some time he would ask him about it but not now. The digits of his right hand still rested on the back of his neck, playing with the hair that resided there. Steve racked his brain for any memory of being this close to James before, but there was nothing. No matter how often he commanded his mind to recall the past, it was too difficult of his reset brain. All that surrounded him were memories from the last few years; surrounded by books and music, of Sam and Kamala and his simple life in Brooklyn.
“Explain what?” James asked, his voice was rough and hushed, the way you speak to avoid being overheard. There was no worry of that right now, they were very much alone.
“How my mind feels like it’s being pulled in two different directions. Near desperation to remember the past and remember any small detail of our lives, but another part of me wants to move forward from here. Learn as I go and continue to be this Steve. The Steve you all talk about, I don’t know him.” Steve’s voice was even, he understood what he was saying, what the weight of his words meant for James.
“We can leave him behind if that’s what you want but you still have to understand, there are people out there that are looking for you. You won’t always feel safe.” Steve understood that what he was saying was completely true, but it was a risk that he was open to accepting. Steve left one hand resting on James’ shoulder and the other reached out and grazed against James’ cheek; smooth fingertips brushed against wetness along his stubbled skin. He wiped it away. James was crying quietly, and Steve wondered why. He didn’t seem like someone who would show his emotions in such a way.
“James…wha-“ Steve started but James sniffled and stifled some laughter. As if he himself were surprised by his own tears.
“I’m sorry, you are just so much like him sometimes. Without even realizing, it’s like I’m back in 1936.” James said with a smile on his face, but Steve could see the sadness around his eyes. This was the most of any emotion and conversation that Steve had experienced with James since they had met; it was intoxicating and refreshing.
“Did you love him?” Steve asked. Without even realizing it they had started to refer to himself before the memory wipe in the past tense, it seemed to make sense to them both. He wasn’t that man anymore and even if some of his memories were trickling back to him in dreams, he wasn’t the man he used to be. James knew that man, closely and intimately and that was of interest to Steve. Their bodies were so close together now, they were practically on top of each other; either of them too tired and overwhelmed with other emotions to feel self-conscious. There was a small part of Steve that was telling him to pull away, that this was all too much too fast, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. There was a warmth surrounding him that he wasn’t willing to lose. The rough fingers moving delicately through his hair was therapeutic, he didn’t want it to ever stop. James only nodded in response to Steve’s question, now knowing if he could trust his voice to be steady.
Steve rose a bit onto his knees so that he could shift himself and settle into James’ vast lap. James’ hands left his hair and circled on either side of Steve’s small hips, pulling him as close as he could possibly get him. Steve felt so small in his arms, letting all of James surround him. Part of him thought for a split second that he should feel embarrassed by how small he was compared to him, but he felt nothing but warmth and lust; it surrounded both of them. Instead it excited him that he was able to be picked up and moved so easily; the thrum of excitement coursed through his veins. His leith ran through long locks of brown hair, their faces so close their breath mingled in the space between them.
“I’m not him.” It may not have been the thing that James wanted to hear in that moment, but it was true. He could feel James’ grip on his hips grow tighter, the only response that he caught from his words. It was such a long list of reasons that Steve felt himself drawn to James, even before finding out about their past and every moment they spent together only brought them closer together; those memories locked inside his brain closer to the surface. Steve looked directly into James’ eyes and saw years of pain and loneliness and yet, his blue eyes still held a softness. He could feel himself getting caught up in the emotion of it all, he wanted more. Clearly James had the same thoughts running through his head as he held his breath just as he was about to exhale; the air around them seemed to spark with static.
Steve never thought of himself as a risk taker, that seemed to him more like what he had heard about his old self but in this moment, he wanted to risk it all. Fall head first into James’ world, no matter what that meant for his life. He was ready to throw caution to the wind. Just as their lips were about to graze across each other, something out of the corner of Steve’s eye caught his attention. He pulled away from James to look at it again – a small, red dot whizzed around the room, seemingly following all their movements; it was coming through the window. When James opened his eyes after noticing that Steve had pulled away, he watched the floating red dot stop right against the pale flesh of Steve’s forehead. Steve may have watched in confused wonder, but James knew exactly what was going on.
“Steve, get down!” James lifted and pulled Steve off the bed and to the floor with ease. A crash of glass and sound of a bullet hitting the wall shook Steve back to his senses. Someone had just tried to kill him, and he had narrowly escaped, if it hadn’t been for James he would have been dead in an instant. Steve reached out for James when another shot cracked through the still air around them, a tiny bullet piercing the night stand right beside his head; wood cracking and breaking all around him. Steve tried to cover his head in protection and seek out James at that same time. He saw James crouching just below his bedroom window, a frantic look in his eyes and a gun in his metal hand. Steve thought about where the gun could have been hiding on James’ body, he had never even noticed it was there.
James rummaged through his jacket pocket for his cell phone, all he had to do was hit the number one on his speed dial and his phone was already dialing before Steve could even think to ask who he was calling.
“James-“ the low, serious voice on the other end answered. Steve recognized it as Natasha as another shot rang out, this one landing near his feet. Steve was running out of places to narrowly escape getting hit by a bullet.
“Nat, listen to me. They found him, I’m about to extract Steve but I need you to meet me at Prospect in fifteen minutes with the car, do you understand me?” His voice was both urgent and controlled, to make sure that Natasha would take him seriously but also to let her know that he had the situation completely under control. Steve wasn’t sure how, having a stranger shooting at you seemed to show a complete lack of control.
“I’m on it. Be careful.” Was all Natasha said before hanging up the phone. Steve got the distinct idea that they had talked about this being a possible outcome before and thus, had a plan in place just in case. James stuffed the phone back into his jacket pocket and turned his attention back to Steve, who was curled up in a ball on the floor, his hands covering his head to protect from any gun fire.
“Listen to me, Steve. I am going to get you out of here, but you have to do as I say.” James spoke in short, brief turns and Steve knew that he had to comply. Their eyes were locked on each other’s and amidst all the chaos surrounding them, Steve felt safe.
“Crawl over to me, together we’re are going to make it out of your room, towards the front door. We are going to take the elevator all the way down to the lobby floor. Go out the back and take back alley’s until we get to Prospect Park, okay?” Steve nodded frantically with every word. “Natasha is going to meet us there with our getaway.” James had to shout over the loud ringing of another bullet crashing through the last remaining window pane. Steve felt helpless, his apartment was getting destroyed and there was nothing he could do about it. “Ready, Steve?” James called out to him, snapping him back to his reality. Just as Steve was about to crawl towards were James was crouching, something flew through the window and into the room. Steve just looked down at it for a moment, it was larger than a bullet, heavier as it landed and rolled in between both men. Steve felt frozen in place as he heard James cursing across from him. James jumped out of his crouch to pick up the dark, metal object and try to throw it back out the way it had come. The second it was out of the room, it exploded into the flash of incredibly blinding light. For a moment everything was white, and Steve couldn’t hear a thing; all he could feel was himself getting picked up off the ground and being rushed out of his room, down the hallway and towards his front door. James took him by the elbow and made for the front door, his gun in his other hand, ready to engage at any moment.
They were just about out of the apartment, Steve’s vision finally starting to come into focus again and he felt a panic set over his body. If they were going to escape from this place, his home, that meant that he was about to leave everything that he loved about his life behind. The thought brought a sickness to his stomach. James was about to fling the door open when Steve stopped and tried to wriggle is way out of James’ grip. He turned away from him and doubled back towards his living room.
“Steve, what are you doing? We gotta go!” James shouted back to him as he watched him quickly rush over to his book case. His fingers pushed some of his photos and trinkets out of the way until he found what he was frantically looking for. He pulled a book out of his collection, holding it as tightly as he could as another shot rang through his living room window; exploding glass everywhere and penetrating the bookcase beside him. Steve ran back towards his front door, James’ hand reaching out towards him. He took his hand and together they rushed out of the apartment, down the stairs until the made it to the back entrance. James looked out back to make sure everything was clear before they ran out into the night.
Hand and hand, they made it through back streets and alleyways, until they arrived at the edges of Prospect Park. James’ eyes were darting back and forth, looking for any sign of danger. A minute later, the headlights of a car broke into their field of vision. It started to make Steve feel nervous, but James didn’t seem to be affected by it. Steve found himself watching the gruff man for queues to how he should be feeling, he was calmed by the fact that James just stood, watching and letting the car approach them.
The car stopped, and Natasha got out of the car while the engine was still running. It was a relief for Steve to see her, even though they didn’t know each other well at all, he knew that she and James were partners and had a trusting relationship. Natasha approached them, looking relieved as well and she took James in her arms in a hug. Though James looked a bit uncomfortable, he returned the hug, it was the first time since their escape that James had let go of Steve’s hand.
“Jesus Barnes, what happened?” Natasha asked as she pulled out of the hug. She looked back and forth between him and Steve as she waited for James to answer. James sighed deeply as they moved away from each other and he went back to standing at Steve’s side.
“They must have followed me. They knew that I would lead them to the Nomad, so they followed me.” Steve could see the shame written all over James’ face. Natasha cursed under her breath and all Steve could think to do in that moment was to try and ease James’ guilt, so he reached out and took James’ hand again in his own, flesh to flesh. James looked back to him and his expressions softened.
“Where are you going to go?” Natasha asked, and she wasn’t sure if she was going to get a real answer. She handed the keys of the car to James and wondered if that was going to be the last time she ever saw any of them. James, the car or Steve.
“The Gorge. You’re the only person who knows about it. Don’t let anyone find us.” James said with serious words and kind eyes. He got into the driver’s side of the car, Steve got into the passenger side and within moments, they were driving away from the park, leaving Natasha behind. There was silence in the car and Steve’s could feel the incredible tension in his limbs. He had been clenching every muscle of his body since James had arrived in his bedroom and he wasn’t sure if it was safe enough yet to let his body relax.
He took notice that James had turned onto the New Jersey turnpike and was heading north, he didn’t want to ask him just yet where they were heading; all he knew was that they were heading somewhere safe. James wasn’t going to let anyone get to him that aimed to cause him harm, there was comfort enough in that fact. He was startled out of his thoughts by the sudden presence of James’ flesh hand moving from the steering wheel to rest in Steve’s lap, palm up in invitation. Steve let his left hand wrap their fingers in between James’ and squeeze. The comfort of contact.
“What did you go back for?” James asked, his voice deep and soothing. Steve could tell that his adrenaline was starting to wear off from the incredible excitement of their escape. Their heart rates were starting to rest at a normal pace and a calming quiet drifted through the car. Steve couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips. Locked in a vice grip in his other hand was his paperback version of Leaves of Grass. Resting inside some of the pages were the photographs and notes that James had been leaving for him before they had met face to face. Steve closed his eyes, letting all the stress of the night melt from his body. He felt James squeeze his hand again and he felt so much comfort in that. He didn’t know where they were going but he knew that it would take a long time to get there. He clutched his book to his chest with one hand, holding tight to James with the other. He let his eyes drift closed and his exhaustion took over as he listened to the steady rumble of the car engine. His last thought before drifting off to sleep was of leaving Brooklyn behind and wondering where they were headed next.