Chaos
Peter Parker was a very smart person when it came to things like chemistry, biology, physics and he liked to think he was smart when it came to crime fighting too. However there were (as many people would likely attest to) a few things he was pretty dense about. Included on this list were mainly things relating to social interactions. He was often described as the “awkward Avenger”, mostly by Tony Stark but it still counted. Every morning he woke up next to MJ was an exercise in disbelief and unending gratitude.
He was awesome with kids though, they loved his jokes and costume and web-slinging. At least that’s what he thought. He probably should have considered that he might not immediately be great at actually taking care of kids with zero previous experience.
He signed up for this, practically begged to do it in fact. Eddie and Venom didn’t even have any plans for tonight but he encouraged them to go out and do something so he could be here unsupervised.
Unsupervised.
That was the worst part of this whole thing. He did not think this through and he was not ready for it. He was getting dangerously close to losing his mind entirely. Everything he knew about these kids was from what he’d seen when they were with their parents. When they were under control. When they were behaving. That was not at all what they were like now.
Carnage, who in many ways was the leader of the horde as he’d learned, was currently standing on top of the kitchen table squeezing ketchup from the bottle onto the tile for three of the younger four who were finger painting with the condiment smeared across the kitchen floor. Peter had lost control of the situation when he left the table to put all the plates in the sink after dinner. He didn’t even leave the kitchen but when he turned around it was chaos. He had no idea where Lasher had gone until the little boy ran back into the kitchen so fast that he slipped in the ketchup and slammed his head into the table so hard he completely lost the shape of his body. As he tried to get Carnage, Scream, Agony and Phage to stop their unholy craft project he rushed to Lasher. The poor kid was a puddle.
In his history with Venom he had definitely seen the alien lose their own shape and become an amorphous, semi-fluid substance with sentience. The little puddle of Lasher shuddered and rippled as he tried to pick him up. Being less than a solid object meant the kid literally slipped through his fingers. Trying to hold onto him was like trying to grab a wet bar of soap. The other four kids were now watching and giggling at him. He soon realized that they were laughing because Lasher was evading him on purpose. Unable to keep up the game, Lasher regained his form a giggling mess. Peter was still rattled from the actual collision with the table but Lasher didn’t look hurt.
Oh yeah and through all of this Sleeper was wailing at the top of his lungs.
Sleeper had pretty much not stopped in two straight hours. His older siblings were apparently able to completely tune him out but the sound was wearing Peter down to his very last shreds of sanity. He couldn’t even fathom how the baby had the energy for this amount of bawling. How has he not passed out from sheer exhaustion by now?
The older kids ran into the other room leaving the mess in the kitchen behind them. Peter opted to follow them because he knew the mess would at least stay put. Of course when he got in there the Carnage, Lasher and Phage were tearing the cushions off the couch and beating the absolute shit out of each other with them. Phage’s cushion slipped from his hands and shattered a lamp. He couldn’t focus on that though because Scream and Agony were screaming in each other’s faces (it’s apparently where Scream got her namesake from because her voice was deafening).
“What’s wrong? Why are you fighting?” He wedged himself between them.
“She said she loves Sleeper more but I do!” Scream filled him in.
“No I do!” Agony screeched back, fangs and all.
Peter had never seen two siblings get into a fight over who loves another sibling more. It might even be cute if it weren’t contributing to his complete loss of control.
Scream lurched and shoved Agony hard making Agony shove her back.
“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, don’t push each other. You both love him.”
The two girls continued to verbally assault each other as loudly as they could, the other three kept rampaging through the whole house leaving a path of pure destruction in their wake and Sleeper was still having a total conniption. At his wit’s end Peter held Sleeper with one arm and dug in his pocket for his phone with the other and called the smartest person he knew.
“Hello?”
“MJ! I need your help! I can’t do this! I can’t!”
“Pete? What’s wrong?”
He could barely hear himself talk over Sleeper crying on his shoulder.
“Is that the baby or are you skinning a live cat?” She asked.
“He hasn’t stopped in two hours, MJ!”
“Then just call Eddie and they’ll come home.”
“I cannot call him. He’ll rub this in my face forever. I just need to rein them in and then it’ll all be peachy.”
“Well how about Flash? He’s their uncle, he spends lots of time with them.” She suggested.
“MJ you’re a genius! I love you so much!”
“Tell me something I don’t know, Tiger.” Her voice was alluringly sultry before she hung up leaving him flushed like that tone always did.
Peter put Sleeper down and took his phone to the otherside of the house where he could actually hear himself think. He could still hear the noise and it felt like what he imagined a warzone might be like and who better to help in a warzone than a soldier? He dialed Flash’s number and prayed for an answer on the other line.
“Hello?”
“Flash! Buddy, I need you!”
“Flash is out doing Anti-Venom stuff. He accidently left his phone here.” It was Andi who answered.
“Andi?! Can you come over here? I’m at Brock’s house and I really, really need help. You watch their kids all the time right?”
“Uh yeah, I do. Kinda busy tonight though.”
“Oh please, I hardly did anything on Friday nights when I was your age.”
“Yeah, Flash has told me.”
He groaned, he literally walked right into that one.
“Please, Andi. Please, I’m begging you.”
“....Fine. But only because I fear for the safety of any child left in your care.”
When Andi arrived and let herself in with the key she had, she took a moment to absorb the situation Peter had created for himself. She was a little surprised that the place wasn’t actually on fire. Peter rushed to meet her at the door and her eyes immediately landed on Sleeper.
“Wow. I’ve never seen him dislike anyone this much before.” She stated.
Recognizing Andi, Sleeper reached for her with one hand and pushed away from Peter with the other. The vigor with which the baby struggled to get away from him was nothing short of embarrassing.
“Like ever in his whole life.” Andi continued.
“Okay-”
“No I’m serious. He likes almost everyone.”
“Thank you. Thank you for that.” He replied to her amazement.
“Aw, it’s okay Sleeper, Auntie Mania is here.” She took him from Peter.
Sleeper stuck to her like glue and his hysterics died down into little hiccuppy cries almost instantly leaving Peter feeling incredibly inadequate.
“Okay let’s assess the damage.” She walked into the living room.
She took note of the cushionless furniture, the broken lamp, a knocked over side table and two sisters still fighting about the same thing. Andi chose to address the girls first after Peter told her what they were arguing over. After hearing from both sides she asked them if Sleeper loved one of them more than the other. Agony and Scream thought about it seriously before answering that they didn’t think so.
“So isn’t it possible that you both love Sleeper the most?” She inquired.
They seemed satisfied with this conclusion and then asked if they could watch Beauty and The Beast. One problem solved.
They found the other three playing in the backyard.
“Hey, don’t you guys know that the Lusus Naturae is out here this time of night?” She walked out to them, Peter hot on her heels.
“The what?” Phage asked.
“The Lusus Naturae.” She repeated.
“What’s that?” Carnage’s interest was piqued.
“A monster. But don’t call it a monster because it hates that.” She answered.
“I’ve never heard of it.” Carnage narrowed their eyes in doubt.
“What kind of monster?” Lasher seemed less doubtful however.
“Oh it’s huge, Lash. Bigger than the whole house. It’s cry can shatter glass and it has seventeen mouths with fire breath. It can fly too.”
“How come we’ve never seen it before?” Carnage was still on the fence.
“Because it can only get you if you’re in the backyard at night and Venom always scares it away.” She told them.
“But Dad’s not here!” Phage pointed out.
“And you’re in the backyard.” She added.
“And it’s night!!” Lasher finished.
It would probably be a lot harder to get them to believe in a huge, devouring monster if their father wasn’t...well, their father.
“She’s lying.” Carnage crossed their arms.
“I wish. Peter has seen the Lusus Naturae, haven’t you Pete?”
“Uh, yeah. Yes.” Peter stammered.
“And you’re best friends with Spider-Man who’s seen it too, right?”
“Yeah!” Peter was catching on to what Andi was playing at.
“And Spider-Man is terrified of it, right Pete? Like pee your pants terrified.”
“Yes.” Peter sighed.
“Carnage come on!” Lasher pulled on Carnage’s arm trying to get them to come inside but they didn’t move.
“Okay Car, good luck out here.” Andi shrugged and led the other two back in the house.
Lasher and Phage were more than content to watch a movie with their sisters if it meant they wouldn’t be eaten by an enormous, fire breathing and totally real nocturnal demon.
Carnage was sticking to their guns but in an amazing stroke of good luck several fire trucks roared down the street. Rather unusual for a neighborhood like this but the noise was loud enough to cause discomfort to little symbiotes. The fear that Andi was right sent Carnage bolting into the house and locking the back doors.
Even though she couldn’t really take credit for the fire truck sirens Peter still stood awestruck at what Andi accomplished in less than half an hour. Five previously uncontrollable alien hybrid kids sitting quietly watching a movie and one alien hybrid infant not having a DEFCON 1 level meltdown.
“You’ve completely fucked up his whole bedtime routine by the way, you were supposed to put him down like two and a half hours ago.” Andi informed him nodding to Sleeper who was indeed still wide awake.
There was a routine. A specific routine. Eddie told him the routine. And he completely fucked up the routine.
Peter groaned and ran his hand down his face.
“Can you help me get him to sleep?”
“I’ve been doing everything else around here haven’t I?” She rolled her eyes and headed back into the kitchen.
“When was the last time Sleeper ate?” She asked.
“Um, when his parents left so like 4:00?”
“It’s 9:30 at night Peter. Christ, no wonder the poor thing has been screaming his head off.”
“But that’s only five hours!” Peter attempted to defend himself.
“And he’s half Klyntar and tiny.”
”How could I have known he has to eat so often without anyone telling me?”
”Gee, I don’t know. Maybe he was trying to tell you something with his nonstop crying. We might never know.”
“Has mean ol’ Peter been ignoring you, Sleeps?” She cuddled him before she took a bottle out of the fridge and warmed it up.
“I wasn’t ignoring him!” That kind of accusation was incredibly damning.
“Here, you feed him. Make it the one useful thing you do tonight. I’m going to help myself to some of Eddie and V’s secret junk food stash they don’t know I know about.”
Turns out Sleeper was a lot different when his little baby needs were being met. Peter felt really guilty for thinking the kid was being a fussy brat before when he was just hungry and overtired because of Peter’s own lack of knowledge. He could definitely understand now why the baby wouldn’t be too fond of him.
When Andi came back she started making a pot of coffee.
“I don’t think coffee will help him sleep.” He quipped.
He couldn’t help it, it was a stress reaction.
“Shut up. You stressed this poor helpless infant out so much that this is the only thing we can even hope might put him to sleep after the night he’s had. Now get over here, stand next to the coffee machine and sway your body.”
Peter leaned against the counter as the sound of bubbling, percolating, hot water floated out of the small appliance. She had to make two pots but the sound did eventually lull the him to sleep.
“Pacifier and coffee pot. Puts him out every time. I don’t think even Eddie and V know that trick.” She said smugly.
The front door suddenly opened and Peter felt his gut drop. Eddie and Venom would walk in and see that Andi had to come and fix everything for him because he was grossly unprepared and they would undoubtedly make fun of him for the rest of time, tell everyone everything and blacklist him from ever setting foot in their house again (which might actually be a decent idea if tonight was any indication).
But it wasn’t Eddie and Venom, it was Flash who was absolutely the last person he expected.
“Andi, there you are kiddo. I got home and saw your note that you were here. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s sunshine and rainbows, coach.” She gave him a mock salute.
Flash leaned on his cane, clearly relieved. Flash always had the habit of assuming the worst.
“He should be in bed by now, Pete.” Flash pointed at Sleeper.
God, did these two actually know everything about these kids?
“See Peter? Routine. Turns out he totally sucks at this.” She informed Flash.
Flash nodded like he completely believed her and wasn't at all surprised.
“Okay, you shouldn't able to screw this up from here. We’re gonna bounce.” Andi said.
They left and he was all alone again. He focused on cleaning up the various messes around the house first and then he sat on the couch to watch the end of the kids’ movie before things inevitably went to hell again. Phage suddenly turned around and looked at him with a serious face.
“Do you really know Spider-Man?”
“Uh, y-yeah. I do. I’m really close with him.”
The others all turned around looking curious and interested.
He started listing things he (and only he) knew about Spider-Man, giving no hints he was actually the wall crawler. They all gathered around him on the couch wanting know more as they excitedly asked him wild and unpredictable questions with huge fanged smiles that somehow weren’t at all scary or creepy like they were on Venom. Even Carnage was interested in what he had to say though they mainly asked questions about how to beat Spidey which was slightly concerning but he filed that away for later. As he regaled them with fantastic stories of heroism he periodically glanced at Sleeper to check on him. The kid looked more peaceful now than Peter thought he himself ever looked in his life. As he spent more time with the older kids and kept an eye on Sleeper he could kind of start to see why MJ would want one of these. Kind of.