Stay
They have been sailing on the Statesman for precisely one month. That means it has been precisely two weeks since Loki had finally confessed to stealing the Tesseract, finally confessed who had sent him to Earth.
Thor still did not trust him. Loki could still feel anger rolling off him, even when he was doing demonstrably kind things, like handing him food at dinner or steadying him when the ship rocked. He did these things with a begrudging, resigned look on his face. Like he claimed Loki as his burden but wasn’t going to be happy about it. It was slowly driving Loki insane.
Where he would once delight in solitude, delight in provoking his brother to such maddening frustration, he now felt himself unraveling in the face of his brother’s disappointment. He reached for him, desperate for connection he didn’t quite know how to ask for, only to let his hand fall when Thor stepped out of his grip. The nightmares had gotten worse. They had grown constant. Not a night passed in the last two weeks that he hadn’t woken with tears staining his face, body wracked with silent sobs. His bones ached, phantom pains of old torments. Thor cared for him if they woke him, but he did that in the same detached, resentful way he did everything else.
As Loki winds tighter and tighter, they land on the trade planet of Delkor-V and Thor asks for volunteers to go with him to find medical supplies.
“I will,” Loki says quickly. The brothers’ eyes meet. Thor looks uncertain. “I’ve been doing the inventory on the medicines, I’m the one who knows what we need.”
“Your majesty, Loki is right,” Heimdall says. “The two of you should go together.”
“Can I trust you?” Thor says quietly later, when they’re standing on the gangway, waiting to depart.
“Let me prove it to you, brother.” Thor gives him a small, sad smile that reminds Loki of Svartalfheim, when they had argued on the skiff. Loki stomach flips with nerves.
The nerves dissipate as they gather their supplies and begin to explore the market. They fall into a easier camaraderie. Thor teases him good-naturedly when he looks longingly at a bookseller, and Loki does the same when they pass a forge and Thor pauses. It feels comfortably familiar and the tight bands around Loki’s chest loosen somewhat.
Thor suggests they dine together before returning to the ship.
“We can take a break for a little longer, they won’t miss us yet.” Thor takes a deep breath, turning his face towards the sun. “Besides, we should use the time we have for some fresh air. The stale air on the ship was driving me mad.” Loki dares to hope that some of Thor’s mood the last few weeks had been his confinement on the dark, cold ship.
They separate in the large square, Loki purchasing bottles of water flavored with the planet’s light citrus fruit. He waits for Thor to return with food.
The market square grows more crowded and an uneasiness grows in Loki’s gut. Something feels wrong, though the sun is still shining, the air is still fresh and warm, and the people move around him chatting and laughing, relaxed. Breathing gets harder. There’s an odd buzzing in his ears.
Out of the corner of his eye, a dark shape passes. It’s tall and thin, with long pale fingers, hooded-
“Loki.” He starts, flinching away from Thor as he approaches from the side. “Loki, what’s gotten into you?”
“You startled me,” He says, surprising himself at how rough his voice is.
Thor gives him an odd look. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think - I didn’t mean to scare you.” Thor scrutinizes him and it makes Loki’s skin scrawl. “Are you alright? You seem…you look pale.”
Loki nods tightly. “Yes. Fine.” His mouth is dry, heart thrumming in his chest.
“Okay, let’s go find somewhere to sit.” They walk through the crowds, Loki trying to keep close. Someone bumps into him. The crowd thickens, and the gap between them increases. Another person knocks into him and his hand slips on the bottle. It falls to the cobblestones and shatters.
Thor turns at the sound, annoyance like thunder on his face. “Loki!”
“Thor, something’s wrong,” He gasps, grabbing his brother’s wrist. “Something’s here, they’re coming for us. Following us.”
“Loki, what are you talking about?” Thor looks around the square. “No one’s following us.”
Loki blinks rapidly. But he can feel it. “I don’t-” Thor takes his elbow, brow furrowed, and guides him away. The touch of Thor’s hand on his arm grounds him somewhat. He starts to feel a bit foolish, but then out of the corner of his eye, he sees them again. Shrouded figures, one tall and thin, the other broader. A third moving in the shadows.
He has no doubt now, that the Children of Thanos have found him.
“Thor, stop.” He cries, digging in his heels. “Thor, stop, we have to go back to the ship, we have to run.”
“Loki, run from what? What are you talking about?”
“They found me.” Thor looks around the square. His eyes don’t stop on anything. He doesn’t see. “Can’t you see them, the figures in the shadows?”
“Loki, no.” Loki, no, and the feeling of the Void sucking on his bones. “There’s no one there.” The sun suddenly feels oppressively hot on his skin. “Let’s just calm down, here, sit.” Thor pushes him onto a bench. “I’ll go get water, just wait here.”
“No!” Loki grabs his hand. “No, stay, don’t-”
“Loki, stop! Enough. It’s alright. There’s no one there.” Loki looks and sure enough, the shadows where figures had been are empty now. This only makes his heart rate increase.
“Let’s just go back to the ship.”
Thor’s frustration spikes. “We’ve been trapped on that ship for a month. We need fresh air and sunshine. Just wait here. Once you’ve had some water, and cooled down, you’ll see that you’re being foolish.”
Bitter tears fill Loki’s eyes. “You’re right, I’m a fool.” Thor's brow wrinkles. His hand is unsteady as he squeezes Loki’s shoulder.
“Stay here,” He says and his voice is soft.
Loki lets his magic travel through the ground, permeating the square. He feels for anything out of the ordinary, the touch of any other magic or fury.
You were made to be ruled, something whispers in his ear and it breaks his concentration. The magic releases. The shadowy figures are back, floating indistinctly in the corners of his vision. Loki can’t breathe. He surges to his feet. He has to find Thor, he has to find Thor and run.
“Watch it!” Someone shouts when he bumps into them. People are staring and Loki feels stripped naked, flayed by their gaze. He curls his arms around his stomach and stumbles back. Reason flees from his mind, replaced by a primal panic, the animalistic need to survive. He can’t breathe.
“Loki!” Hands grasp his arms.
Loki meets his brother’s eyes. “Run, run, Thor.”
“Loki, it’s okay-” Loki bodily drags him into an alleyway and Thor lets him. “Loki, calm down, breathe-”
“I can’t-”
“Yes, you can. Loki, there’s no one here to hurt you, whatever you think is coming for you, they’re not here.” Thor presses him against the wall. “Loki, listen-” But he can’t. The buzzing in his ears grow louder. Spots appear in his vision as his world narrows to a pinpoint. The buzzing changes - it becomes the echo of his own screaming.
‘What a tool you will be,’ Thanos’ deep voice says. ‘Little Asgardian prince, made to be ruled. You will be my most prized soldier.’
The pain spiking sharp in his head as he looks into Thor’s blue eyes and doubts his mission.
The Tesseract’s blue glow, burning through his body as he uses it to make a portal, as he brings it forth from his secret pocket and sees the fury on Thor’s face.
He’s surrounded on all sides, hands grasping and tearing at his skin, devouring him. He is on Sakaar, he is on Sanctuary, he is in chains in Asgard, he doesn’t know where he is-
“Loki!” Thor’s voice breaks through the fog. “Loki, listen to my voice. You need to breathe.” He chokes on nothing, unable to draw breath into his lungs. “Just like me, come on.” His hand is pressed to Thor’s chest and it rises and falls beneath his palm. “Like me. Come on, breathe in…” It’s hard, but he does it. One full, shuddering breath. Vision and feeling start to bleed back in.
He’s sunk to the ground, knees drawn up to his chest. His hand is fisted tightly in his hair and tears drip wet down his cheeks. Thor is crouched before him, one hand gripping his bicep tightly, the other held over Loki’s pressed to his chest. He’s trembling, expression scared.
Rationality returns. “What…what just happened?”
Thor relaxes a little. He moves his hand to Loki’s neck and Loki leans in to the touch. “You were…insensible. You didn’t know me, you couldn’t hear me. You were barely breathing.”
“I thought I saw…” Loki’s breath is coming easier and it leaves him feeling floaty and weak, like a fever breaking. “The Titan called them his children. His generals. They obeyed him unquestioningly, in all things. They are…they are cruel and…they would…” He winces. The grief on Thor’s face tells him he does not have to continue.
“Loki, I didn’t see…”
“You’re right.” Loki lets out a watery, hysterical laugh. “I don’t think they were there at all. I panicked, like a fool.”
“No,” Thor says quietly. “Not a fool.” He settles down beside him, so their shoulders press together. “Loki, when you told me you had taken the Tesseract-” Loki winces. “I was angry. I thought you were planning to betray me, betray all of us. I did not think about how this was affecting you and I’m sorry.” Thor touches his cheek, turns his face towards him. “What Thanos did to you, whether or not you’re ready to talk about it in detail-”
“I’m not-”
“I know, and you don’t have to. But it’s affecting you. And I should have seen that. I have to do better for you, I know that. You really scared me, when you did not respond to my voice.” Thor sighs. “I was caught up in my own desire to escape the ship, to have some time outside. I was trying to bring logic to your fear, which only made it worse. I knew there was nothing in that square…but you didn’t. And I should have listened because it didn’t matter that there wasn’t anything there to hurt us, it mattered that you believed it. I should have protected you. I should have made you feel safe anyways.”
“It seems like I’m not as free from the madness as I thought.”
“You’re not mad. Loki, it would be truly madness if you weren’t hurt by what’s happened to you. And I promise, I’m going to do better. In the future, I promise that if you tell me that you don’t feel safe, I will listen and I will do what I can to make you feel safe again. Okay?”
Loki nods. “I know you’re trying your best, Thor.”
Thor looks suddenly weary, alarmingly old. “My best doesn’t feel like enough. And sometimes…I’m the one who wants to run.” He admits. “I gave up the throne and I spent four years traveling in search of the Stones and now I’m…I’m suddenly responsible for thousands of our survivors. I’m responsible for you. And I’m afraid too. I didn’t want…” He closes his eyes. “Just for one afternoon, I was selfish and childish and I just wanted to feel like it was in the old days.”
“I understand.”
“Do you?”
Loki looks at his hands, folded on his lap. “You know that I know what it’s like to want to run. But it seems like neither of us have anywhere else to go.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” They sit quietly in that alleyway for a while longer. "And truly, if you don't feel safe, even if you know it's not real..."
"I'll tell you."
It doesn’t make everything right, but it makes things a little better. Thor releases some of his anger. They settle into something like a routine on the ship. Their relationship grows a little bit stronger, a little more normal.
A few weeks later, Thor and Loki go with the Valkyrie to pick up machine parts on a satellite station in orbit around a moon. The station, crumbling and half rust and rock, feels a little too familiar. The proprietor is rough and rude and snarls at them. The Valkyrie is having fun, bantering with him. But the mechanic’s goons watch them with grim, dangerous expressions. There’s a loud noise from another part of the station, a metallic crash. It’s probably just something dropping, the normal noises of a station in orbit. But it’s enough to make panic stir in Loki’s chest.
He waits, swallowing it down, but then the proprietor slams his fist on the table and shouts in the Valkyrie’s face as she laughs and Loki’s whole body tenses. There’s the far-off sound of screaming in his ears.
“Thor,” He whispers, tangling his fingers together. “Thor, I don’t feel-”
Thor puts a hand on his back. “Okay. Come on.” He quietly lets the Valkyrie know they’re leaving, and the princes slip away. Thor’s hand doesn’t leave his back. The fear doesn’t go away completely, but it’s manageable and when he surrenders to it, letting the panic attack overtake him, he does it sitting on his own bed, with his brother’s hands cradling his. He feels safe.