Stranded
“Loki, we need to get help,” The Valkyrie says.
“I understand that.”
“I can’t walk, your brother is unconscious and needs help.”
“I understand that.”
“Our communications array is down.”
“I understand that.”
“Loki, you have to cross the bridge. You can’t just stand there.” Loki shuts his eyes, heart pounding in his chest. “I swear, if you say ‘I understand that’ one more time, I will kill you. Once I can walk again.” So instead he says nothing.
The bridge is only about two feet wide. There are no rails or sides of any kind, just a long strip of rock connecting this little jagged, half formed outcropping to the rest of the planet. The planet, originally no more than an asteroid, had been terraformed by settlers some years before, forcibly held in a habitable zone, its gravity fields artificially generated. This caused the planet to appear nearly like Asgard; a semi-flat disk suspended over empty space. But unlike Asgard, the artificiality makes it difficult to safely project when teleporting. It also interferes with electrical systems and navigation and was perhaps the cause of their current misfortune.
Their crash landing had been unfortunate. The shuttle had just sputtered and died on liftoff. Loki was the only one uninjured in the crash, escaping with only a few scrapes. The Valkyrie’s femur had snapped. Thor is unconscious, bleeding from a wound in his head and his breath sounds heavy and wet. A broken rib, puncturing the lung, seems the most likely diagnosis. The Valkyrie holds his head in her lap, pressing her cape to the head wound, as Loki stands and tries to will himself to cross the narrow bridge. He’s the only one who can, the only one who can walk across that bridge and get them help.
It’s just that he can’t.
He gets to the edge of the bridge and looks down and something in him breaks.
“Loki-”
“I know, I know.” Tears gather in his eyes. He takes a shaky breath.
I could have done it, Father, for all of us.
No, Loki.
-let go, do it, just let go, you have nothing left, just jump.
He gasps in a ragged breath, stumbling away from the edge. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.”
“Loki, you have to. We’re stranded here unless you cross that bridge. It’s the only way off this fucking rock. What? Are you telling me you’re afraid of heights?”
“I once tried to kill myself by jumping off the bifrost, into the Void.” He says very quickly. He laughs, a manic, wild laugh. “Well. I fell, it was an accident at first but then I let go and that was on purpose and…I’m not quite sure I ever really stopped falling.” There’s silence for a full minute. Loki is left alone with his thoughts and the sound of wind, pulling him towards the Void, echoing in his ears.
“Loki, highness, I need you to get it the fuck together right now and cross the bridge. Now is not the time to lose your mind.”
Loki nods. “I know.” He takes a deep breath and steps onto the bridge.
The Void pulls at him. He tries to keep his eyes forward on his destination, but occasionally his gaze slips downward. The abyss beneath his feet is a rocky crevice, dividing the planet neatly in two. He sees stars twinkling far beneath him and freezes. He struggles to control his breathing.
Keep going, you have to make it across, He says to himself, over and over. Thor and the Valkyrie need you to do this. He forces himself to take another step.
I could have done it…
His foot hits a rock, knocking it from the edge of the bridge. He makes the mistake of looking down as it falls, falling further and further…
Loki, no! That last one was Thor’s voice, desperately trying to reach for him. His head spins. His knees are wobbling so hard he doesn’t think he’ll need to decide to do it this time, he’ll probably just collapse and fall back into the Void, like he never left.
Eyes forward, forward. He locks his eyes on a fixed point on the other side, and bites down his panic. He starts counting his breaths, breathing in for ten counts, holding it for ten, then letting it out for ten. He thinks he remembers that their mother had taught Thor that trick to control his anger when they were young, but Loki’s found it more useful. Concentrating on the numbers empties the rest of his mind.
His feet reach solid ground, the other side of the bridge and he doubles over, panting in relief.
“Thank the Norns,” He gasps. “Thank the Norns.”
Then he runs.
“So. Can we talk about this?” The Valkyrie says, taking another sip of soup. They’re in the planet’s basic first aid station, resting until their shuttle is ready to get them back to the Ark. Thor keeps a hand on his side and his expression remains pained, but at least he is conscious and breathing easier and healing rapidly, as usual.
Loki sits on a stool between them, wound very tight. He does not want to talk about this. He wants to be back on the ship, where he can pretend he’s not floating through that horrible Void.
“What’s there to talk about?” Loki says, very nervous.
Thor frowns at him. “What is it? Are you alright?”
“I think we should talk about the bridge,” The Valkyrie says.
“The bridge?”
“Don’t worry about it, brother, you were unconscious for this part. I got across, didn’t I? I got help.”
“Yes, but you almost didn’t. You almost couldn’t. I just thought you might want to talk about why.”
“I meant what I said. There’s nothing to talk about. It was…well it wasn’t that long ago, in the grand scheme of things, but so much has happened since. I do not…I do not like falling. Or empty space.” Thor’s brow furrows. “The only way off the section we crashed on, was a rock bridge suspended out over…over nothing. Stars,” He explains.
Understanding dawns on Thor’s face. “Oh.”
“I had…difficulty. But I did it in the end so we don’t have to talk about it.”
“How many times have you fallen from the bifrost? ‘Cause, that’s how you got to Sakaar right? Hela threw you off?” The Valkyrie asks, incredulous. Loki laughs, a bit hysterically. His vision is blurred.
“Just twice. I’d rather not repeat it a third time.”
“And the first time was suicide?” The Valkyrie asks.
Thor’s expression splinters. “I’d rather not talk about this either,” He murmurs.
“Yes,” Loki says. “I tried to kill myself. I ended up meeting a far worse fate. Can we please drop it now?” He looks at his hands instead of looking at them.
“Okay, Loki.” She swings her feet over the side of the bed, testing her weight on her leg. It holds. She limps over to Loki, perched on his stool. And hugs him.
He stiffens, mostly out of surprise.
“I’m sorry you had to cross that bridge. But you did good, lackey.”
“You’re hugging me.”
“Yup, it’s generally a sign of affection and appreciation, one usually returns it instead of just sitting there.”
He tentatively places his arms around her back. A moment later he tightens his embrace, closing his eyes. He grasps onto her like a life preserver, clinging like a child.
He can name exactly two people who had hugged him like this in the last decade. Maybe longer. Now there’s three and if he expected it would come from the prickly, almost as emotionally-ruined as he was, Valkyrie…
Well. It was a nice surprise.
He holds onto her as his eyes sting.