Chapter 17
It was Wednesday. Wednesday meant Bucky was going to see Steve again. It had been less than twenty four hours since they’d agreed to a date and Bucky was already ridiculously excited. He had been waiting for what seemed like months to ask Steve out and the guy had beaten him to the punch. Not that he was pissed off or anything. He knew undoubtedly they’d still be skirting around each other if Steve hadn’t taken the initiative. He also realised he’d have to be way more careful about using sign language in front of Steve in the future.
For the rest of the day, Bucky was an anxious mess. He couldn’t sit still, waiting for Steve to come over. He even took Soldat on a ridiculously long walk, purposely not going past a certain coffee shop. He didn’t want to seem like a creepy stalker or anything. He’d have to wait until tonight to fawn over Steve. What was even better was he was allowed now. He desperately hoped he could kiss Steve later. He’d dreamed about those lips since he first laid eyes on them. Bucky shook himself as he realised he wasn’t exactly being subtle. Way to not be stalkerish, Barnes.
Pretty soon, it was time to take Soldat home and get a shower. Bucky was determined to make a good impression, worried Steve might change his mind if Bucky looked like shit. He was fully aware he was being ridiculous, but he couldn’t help it. Steve made him feel ridiculous. It was a problem, really. He jumped in the shower, scrubbing at his hair, making sure he cleaned his prosthetic as well. It was bordering on slightly obsessive, the way he was meticulously cleaning himself. After 45 minutes in the shower, he realised maybe he should call Natasha. He never recognised an anxiety attack until it was almost too late. He’d let himself get more worked up without realising what he was doing.
Natasha, of course, told him she’d come round immediately. She talked to him soothingly on the phone, and he could hear the background noises change as she ran out of her apartment and into a taxi, “I’ll be ten minutes. Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” Bucky tried to breathe slowly through his nose, fighting off the growing panic. It was a lot more difficult than he anticipated. He hoped Nat would hurry up. He needed someone to talk him down. Rationally, he knew he had nothing to worry about. This was Steve. He’d heard the worst of Bucky’s life and still decided to stick around.
When Natasha got to his apartment, Bucky had managed to get his breathing under control. He was sitting wrapped in a towel on the sofa, tears still silently falling down his cheeks. Natasha sighed softly, sitting next to him and gathering him up in her arms. It was a testament to their friendship that Bucky wasn’t bothered by his nakedness and all but climbed onto her lap. She ran her fingers through his damp hair, shushing him gently.
After a while, the tears stopped, and Bucky moved slightly away from Natasha, looking at the ground with shame. “Do you want to talk about it?” Natasha asked him softly, eyes filled with concern.
Bucky shook his head, then took a deep breath, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Nat. Steve is perfect, and he likes me, but I can’t seem to get my head around it. I don’t think I deserve him, still. I know it’s all fucked and I have major trust issues, but-” Bucky stopped when he heard the knock at the door. Shit. Steve was here. Bucky jumped off the sofa and looked at Natasha with alarm. She rolled her eyes slightly and shoved him towards his bedroom.
“Go get dressed, I’ll answer the door. I’m sure Steve won’t mind waiting for a minute. Do you want a coffee?” Bucky nodded and rushed to his bedroom, hearing Natasha greet Steve.
Once he’d dressed and removed any evidence of crying from his face, he felt a lot better. His newfound calmness immediately evaporated when he saw Steve. God, but he looked so beautiful. He had an oversized sweater on, the neck too big and exposing his sharp collarbones. Bucky was once again surprised he hadn’t spontaneously combusted. Or at least popped a very embarrassing boner. Those skinny jeans were doing a lot for Bucky, and it was even better because he was allowed to look.
He stuttered through a greeting, cursing himself internally. He looked at Natasha for help and realised she was going to be worse than useless. A little known fact about Natasha was that she thrived on Bucky’s awkwardness. If she wasn’t such a good and supportive friend (and didn’t know six ways to kill him with her little finger) Bucky would’ve ditched her long ago. He was on his own with this. Thankfully, Steve seemed just as awkward as Bucky, if not more. Despite how devastating his smile was, Bucky could see the underlying tension, and it strangely made him relax.
“James, I’m going now. I trust you have everything under control?” Bucky looked at Nat, feeling cold fear wash over him. He nodded anyway, not wanting to keep Natasha from her plans.
“Yeah, sure. Thanks Nat. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Bucky knew Natasha could see he still wasn’t alright, but she didn’t say anything, thank god.
The silence following Natasha’s exit was uncomfortable. Bucky focused on sipping the coffee in his hand and not looking at Steve. He knew agreeing to a date was a monumentally stupid idea. It just made everything really awkward between them.
Steve cleared his throat, and Bucky looked over to see him hunched into himself, playing with his coffee cup nervously. A wave of guilt hit him as he realised he’d just completely ignored Steve for the better part of twenty minutes. He opened his mouth to apologise but Steve beat him to it. “I guess I should start by saying sorry. Uh, I’m not very good at this whole” he waved his arm, “dating thing. God, I’m making it so awkward. I really like you, Buck.”
Bucky grinned. “You like me, huh? Well that’s just fantastic, because I actually like you too. I don’t agree to dates with just anyone, you know.” Somehow, Steve’s blatant awkwardness gave Bucky the confidence to up his game. “To be honest Steve, I was shitting myself at the thought of you coming round. I haven’t dated since Br-” He stopped, realising what he was about to say, “well for a very long time, and I’m super nervous. But I just realised we don’t have to be nervous. We get on great, yeah?” Steve nodded, “so I think we should just go into the kitchen, you can teach me some art and then we can maybe order dinner and watch some TV. Sound good?”
Steve’s relieved smile was like the sun coming out. Bucky grinned back and they migrated to the kitchen, Steve explaining what they were going to be doing tonight as he got his sketchbooks out. Bucky listened to him with a bit of apprehension. Steve wanted them to draw each other to help Bucky with drawing people. It was a really daunting task, especially as Steve was a professional. He hoped he didn’t accidentally offend Steve with his drawing. He bit his lip and told Steve not to move.
After four screwed up attempts and a lot of coffee, Bucky finally managed to draw something that looked vaguely like Steve. At least it wasn’t a stick figure, which was a relief. He was still worried about Steve’s reaction, but decided to play it off as a joke if Steve got too offended.
Steve actually loved his drawing. He assured Bucky a few times that he wasn’t saying he liked it out of pity or anything. He genuinely liked it. It made Bucky feel a lot better about his abysmal art skills. This confidence boost lasted until Steve showed his drawing. Bucky felt like he’d been punched in the chest. All the air in his lungs left with a whooshing sound as he gazed at the likeness. It was beautiful. Steve had somehow managed to capture his best features while still keeping his flaws on display. His arm made him look powerful, which wasn’t something he’d ever thought about his disability before. He honestly never realised he could look so peaceful, but apparently that’s how Steve saw him. Bucky was honestly speechless. He looked up at Steve, focusing on blue eyes wide with nerves behind his glasses. It could've been his imagination, but he swore his eyes flickered down to his lips. He licked them on instinct and heard an almost silent inhale from Steve.
A wave of irrational panic swept over Bucky and he jumped up from his seat. “Right. I'm starving. What do you fancy Steve?” he cursed internally, hating himself when Steve's face dropped. Why was he so awkward? He closed his eyes, only opening them when he heard Steve clear his throat softly.
All he could see was golden hair. Steve had stood up at some point, and now he was really close to Bucky. His head barely brushed the bottom of Bucky's chin and Bucky struggled to not find that absolutely adorable. He could feel Steve's warm breath on his neck. He looked down slightly and let out a strangled gasp. Steve was beautiful up close. Like seriously gorgeous. His eyes looked massive behind his glasses, and Bucky thought he could drown in the blue. Steve had freckles. Honest to god freckles on his nose, which was crooked from a break earlier in his life. This slight imperfection made him all the more beautiful. Bucky focused on his lips and realised they were moving. Steve was talking to him.
“Sorry, what was that? I was a bit lost.” In your eyes, Bucky didn't add. He chuckled to hide his embarrassment at the thought and Steve smiled back.
“I said, did you wanna get pizza? I’m getting kinda hungry too, now that you mention it. Hey, do you have Netflix?” Bucky grinned down at Steve and nodded, “I know how much you like chick flicks so I suppose we can watch one of them.” Bucky scoffed and rolled his eyes. Steve grinned easily, “I know I'm extremely generous. You don't have to tell me.”
They decided to split a pepperoni pizza and Bucky grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. They got themselves comfortable on the sofa, sitting closer than was probably necessary but neither of them mentioned it. The pizza was hot and the beers were cold and Bucky was content. They agreed on a film and settled in to watch.
It was a few hours and two films later that Steve dropped off. Bucky only realised when he felt Steve's head on his shoulder and heard his soft snores. He decided against waking him and shifted carefully to get the blanket behind them. After covering them both up, he switched the tv off and shuffled down the sofa, closing his eyes and tipping his head back, falling asleep almost instantly.