It was a dull week, so Tony listened when Bruce called. A new result from his —ahem—experimental herb patch: Bruce was always looking for calming agents, and might have found a new one.
“How do we test it?” Tony was curious.
“Not on me,” Bruce said. “I may be prejudiced. Besides, let’s try a smaller test first.”
“Who’s the most uptight guy you know?”
“You.”
Tony snorted. “Yeah, not gonna try it. Who else?”
***
“You wanted me, Stark?”
Loki was on his best behavior these days: a condition of “parole,” meaning almost anybody could kibitz his life. This made him twitchy.
“There’s a room with a glass box in it. I want you to walk into the box.”
“Why?”
“An experiment. Non-lethal. We just want to see what happens.”
“We?” asked Loki. Bruce raised a timid hand from the far end of the room. “Oh. You and the Monster. What will it gain me?”
“What do you want?”
“Fewer observers. They contradict each other.”
“I’ll get a few SHIELD agents out of the loop. Will that do?”
“If you please.”
***
A well-lit, well-ventilated room, with a glass box in it that measured five paces in each direction and was quite a bit taller than Loki. A pile of green vegetation sat drying in the middle of the room. He stepped through the glass door, closed it behind him. “Now what?”
“Breathe deep for a bit. Do you feel anything?” Bruce asked through the microphone.
“I can smell your greenery. What should I feel?”
“Give it a minute.” Then: “Anything?”
“No difference.”
“Take of your shoes,” Tony said. “Walk through the herb pile barefoot.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“The sticks aren’t sharp, Loki. Just walk through it.”
“Very well.” Loki pulled off one boot, then the other. (“No socks,” Tony noted quietly to Bruce.) He walked hesitantly toward the pile, stepped gingerly into it on the edge, then walked through it to the other side.
“See? No sharp sticks. Can you walk through again?”
“I..” Loki’s comment was cut off. He walked into the middle of the pile, and suddenly sat down. Bruce muttered as he took notes.
“Loki?” Tony asked.
“These clothes are too confining,” Loki said as he stripped them off.
“Loki??” Tony asked again.
Then Loki was naked, rolling in the green leaves and smashing them down.
“Loki!!” Tony shouted.
“Here, Stark! Come here!”
Tony glanced at Bruce; Bruce looked back. They both walked slowly to the edge of the glass box.
“Loki?” This time it was a quiet question.
Loki was naked with his arched back in the leaves. His legs were widespread and his eyes half-open. “Plough me, Stark! Fill me with kittens!”
Tony looked at Bruce; Bruce looked at Tony. They mouthed silently at each other: “fill me with kittens?” Tony ran to the ventilation controls, setting them on high, then turned on the box’s overhead sprinklers.
Loki jumped up, sputtering like a wet cat, and glared at the two scientists.
***
Later, when a now-dry Loki sat in unfamiliar clothes with a towel around his head, he snarled at the two Science Bros. “You owe me a much larger favor, which I will collect later.”
Both men nodded.
“All audio and visual records have been destroyed?”
Bruce cleared his throat. “Yeah?”
“And you will never speak of this again.”
“Of course not,” Tony said insincerely.
***
Post script:
A week later, Bruce called Tony. “Well, the Jotunn catnip doesn’t work when it’s cold. It doesn’t release any volatiles. So we can’t use it as a defensive weapon.”
“Bummer,” Tony said. “Still, get me a big bag of it. I’ll send it to Loki for Christmas.”
“Tony…”
“Kittens, Bruce. Think of kittens.”